Posts Tagged ‘Courage to Love’

To Kiss Him

 

My heart will not forget him. I try so hard to harden my heart as his heart is hardened to me.. I tell myself ” What is meant to be will be.” but oh how I miss him..

Spring..a warm day as we sat on the beach.. and I looked into his sparkling, diamond, green eyes.. to see his soul.. a soul so sweet that I was swept off my feet.. and the walls around my heart; they did crumble and fall.. leaving me vulnerable and weak.. oh, how I miss him.

And the words ” I Love you.” they wanted to cascade off my lips like waterfalls of bliss.. but I caught them before they fell.. before they made a sound..but my heart still yelled ” You love him.” and I wondered what it would be like to kiss him..?

I watched his lips then, as he spoke his words then ..and I wondered ” How soft they seem to be.. how sweet and tender .. how would he taste to me ?.” and my heart broke wide open.. weepy and sweet like honey at his feet.. yet he seemed not to believe me..and why should he? So many bitter and broken women had come before me..speaking sweet words that were just candied poison..and so he miss read me.. for my heart is true.. and I am truth.. and I fell in love with the god within him..

And so he cast me off as days went on.. thinking me like the rest.. like the women who whispered of love and passion but hid the blade until he feel upon it.. leaving him bleeding and broken. I saw the wounds .. I felt his pain and with all my heart I wanted to mend them.. to hold him in my arms like a newborn babe .. to give him love to heal them.. to bring him light and love..to bring him joy and bliss..but he thought me to- good- to- be- true..and so he pushed me away from him.. and he did to me what they did to him..and because I understand; I forgive him..because I love him.. like a mother loves her babe.. because I know the soul within him..

So spring turned to summer..and summer to fall..now fall to winter.. under the Christmas moon.. my heart longs for him..and I wonder ” What would it be like to kiss him?” and I felt his soul brush with mine..or was it just wishful thinking.. and I saw him in my imagination.. his fuzzy beard.. his wavy hair..and then I kissed him..

Unconditional love

I think I have discovered it.. for someone other than my children..

It’s been 6 months since I met him.. we hardly touched.. it was a spiritual connection.. a soul to soul thing that I really wasn’t expecting and that I have no control over..

He didn’t feel the same.. but the feelings haven’t left me..and so it isn’t an ego thing of expectations.. as romantic love is defined.. you see it has no definition at all..

It’s a letting of everything that love is supposed to be..

You know.. because we think it’s supposed to bring a future..but there isn’t one here… it’s just an energy thing..

My ego doesn’t get it.. because the ego needs to define everything.. and so I can’t but a finger on why.. or how it came into being.. what it is cannot be described at all..

But the feeling is total free fall into intense vulnerability .. there is no bottom..

It’s like your heart just being broken open.. just exposed, raw and bleeding gold.. it’s just like that..

It’s the feeling that makes you choke.. sob.. and contemplate the meaning of life..

But I suppose..as I am only guessing .. just maybe..that is the reason for it.. I don’t know..

Because it’s better to feel than feel nothing at all..

And then my ego wants to believe it’s a reflection of the purity of my heart..

But is it so pure.. or do I just want it to be.. or just maybe I want to hang on to the fantasy of what I think he is..or hoped he was..or wanted him to be..

Or maybe it is pure.. maybe I am just glad he is here.. somewhere just being..

I don’t know.. it’s just frightening ..and infinite ..so big that it makes me feel so small

I feel so tiny and fragile at the enormity of it all.

Stay Sweet

 

We all live in a world were everyone is pretending .. it’s just the way it is. It starts in high school. Everyone wants to fit in.. be popular.. liked and accepted. We are shown through media projections; by branded personalities how to be cool.. how to put on the social masks that everyone worships and adores. But by doing so we loose ourselves and our true identities and so we become bitter. We become bitter by fear.. fear of rejection.. we become bitter because we sell ourselves out.. for social acceptance, and we think social protection. But if one becomes popular and adored by many people for projecting a image that they want.. we are truly not accepted at all..because we are not really being ourselves. So you can have the love of many while not being loved at all..and worse… you not loving yourself.

The most difficult thing to do is to really be yourself and love yourself past other’s insecurities and social rejections… but it is the only way to stay sweet..it is to stay and be vulnerable; to be humble. Courage is putting your heart out there..while knowing far well, that you will probably be rejected. When you are truly authentic, open, raw and vulnerable you are a threat to those who wear the thickest social masks.. because you are their mirror. A truly authentic and raw person is clear and blinding truth to those who are in the greatest denial of the social mask that they wear; and so it is that the nerdiest, nicest, sweetest and strangest people are the most rejected by society. We make people uncomfortable..because conformity is comforting.. the sweetest and most loving people wear their hearts on the outside..so we are labeled as victims by those who would victimize the open hearted for the very fear of being open and vulnerable themselves.

In the worldly way.. being truly vulnerable is labeled as weak.. but who is really being weak? I think those who have lost themselves in groups of people and organizations have lost.. those who are vulnerable and have the courage to constantly lay their hearts on the line.. well this is true strength..to put your heart out, even though it is wounded..bloody and raw from being constantly rejected.. attacked for being open.. seen as a target.. this takes in credible strength.. people like me .. we are true spiritual warriors.. because we are giving the world and example of the compassionate heart.. even thought it is constantly being torn and ripped apart by those who fear true depth and feeling.. those who have been hurt and cut.. sometimes they are the one’s that will cut us the deepest. But being truly vulnerable, real, raw, authentic and open regardless of constant emotional, mental and spiritual attacks, takes the greatest strength.

We live in a very cold and plastic society.. not just in my city.. even though outsiders confirm that their is a higher than normal concentration of assholes in Kelowna BC.. but the only way to open other’s cold and fearful hearts is to stay open and brave.. to stay vulnerable .. raw.. broken .. and compassionate.. it is to do our very best to forgive them..because in their, inner terror, they are lost..lost to themselves.. washed away .. in the conformity of fitting in..rather than standing brave.. being nerdy.. goofy.. making mistakes..failing..being perfectly/imperfect ..

Stay sweet.. stay open.. an love no matter what.. because love favors the brave.

Don’t let fear and bitterness make you bitter.

In love

 

I didn’t expect it to happen.. I don’t know exactly what happened.. I thought you would just be like the rest of them.. just another guy but you have something so special inside.

It was like an inner, tiny, micro explosion when your eyes locked with mine.. all of the walls that I carefully kept up..that I had built with fear and apprehension.. fell to dust… when your soul met mine.

And now I am confused..so powerful and supernatural ..so transcendental is this transformation of my heart from caterpillar to butterfly.. that I feel so humble as the holy light of dawn rushes in were only darkness once lived.. the melancholy turned to bliss..but a bliss that is so fragile.. leaving me weak and vulnerable.. such is the love of words not yet spoken.. held tenderly in the heart so fearful of once again being broken.. how you have me under your spell.. that I can not believe that you could also love me like this? Could you? Could you love as the moon loves the sun’s first morning kiss?

Could you love in the dreamy dream of the moonstruck madness of love not yet spoken of.. not yet spoken of between me and you.. as a candle freshly lit.. the flame yet to breath in the reality of its own existence.. the miracle of what it is just becoming.. a light to light the world and many candles yet not knowing the joy.. the joy of you ..of your eyes.. the light of your soul that I see dance beneath your diamond irises .. how could you be so beautiful? Could you love my soul as I love yours? Oh how we have lived such parallel lives.. how we walked the same roads and talked to the same people.. never to meet but suddenly to meet like this.. how could you love me as I love you like the beat of my own heart?..  others will divide us.. even though our souls are of the same light.. we are kindred in spirit .. we beat with the same heart..but our lives are so different.. they will tear us apart. But even so.. I love you anyway.. for your love has opened my heart.. your love has set me free.. your love has softened me.. from the brutal cold hearts; the mean and the cruel.. you have given me back wonder and innocence.. wings to fly.. you have unlocked the prison that they trapped me in with their cruelties .. you are poetry..the painter of my soul…you have given my wounds sweetness and balm.. you healed me instead of injuring me.. you my love pulled arrows from the breast of the swan.. you are my song.. music and delight.. you are a pleasure just to behold in the sun’s golden light.. I see your soul glitter through your eyes.. your voice like the warm summer breeze.. sounds so soft as madrigal poems.

But I know this.. meeting you has made my heart so delicate.. like rose petals and gossamer wings… like silken threads of spider’s webs.. my heart it is so sensitive… and so I weep of words I dare not speak should you not feel the same for me..should I break the spell of love so sentimental that the luxuriousness will be lost by your denial..and so I write here.. my heart sequestered .. I hide away in this secret place least the fairy dust should settle.. the fall to earth would be more than I can take..for my heart has already been shattered, I know I would break.

Could you love like this too? Could you love me like such a childish fool? Of all the things I will dare to do.. of all the dangers that I willingly face.. I cannot tell you to your face.. that I love you..

Yes there is love at first glance.. you are the one who showed me that.

Manifesting My life Partner

My sister 1986 at 17

I should start this with the dream visitation I had from my dead sister last night.. but I am going to start with the Instagram conversation I had with a relationship coach; who is in a great relationship..and tells people how important it is to have great sex everyday. I told her that I don’t have a soul mate to have sex with everyday..and that it’s getting on my sexual frustration nerve that everyone is bragging online about the great sex they have. She suggested that I am responsible for my own lack of manifesting my soul mate. I found this pretentious because ( it is ) and because of all of things that I have done to manifest said soul mate.

First I had professional counselling to help me heal from the affair and the abandonment of my ex husband ( because it’s important not to be bitter when manifesting love )

Then I made up a manifestation board suggested to me by a relationship coach who gave me a reading using love cards.. So I made up this poster board full of pictures of how I wanted my next relationship to be. Lots of travel and spontaneity; I want to live in sin and be like gypsies. I want him to be kind, funny, talented, passionate and eccentric.. spiritual and romantic.. someone who would be great to my kids but know that he didn’t have to pretend to be their daddy.. someone who could handle my passion, temper and fire.

Then I had some professional boudoir photography done; to help me get in touch with my inner Goddess.. my Divine Feminine and this led me to using boudoir photography in my book and then writing about the Goddess.. ( You think that would of been enough to manifest a great man right there! )http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx  link to my book

I purchased loads of lingerie.. I have a drawer full of it..

I hit the gym hard to ground myself into my flesh and sexuality ( and because I love to be fit just for me ) I took belly dancing, pole dancing and burlesque classes.

I decorated my bedroom using feng shui colors and placements to bring love and money into my bedroom.. I have two treasure chests by my bed .. one is for me and one is for him..one full of feminine decorations and one full of masculine decorations. I did paintings with romantic ancient symbols for lovers .. so many paintings that they are all over my home.

I purchased crystals and tantra candles..and with two heart shaped candles I did a ritual for manifesting my soul mate.. in my bedroom is a brass cupid with a crystal in his bow and arrow.

I purchased angel love cards.. and from Italy I purchased the heart shaped tarot..so I could place the lovers card by my bed with a rose quarts heart on it..to manifest this soul mate..

It has been six years and he hasn’t manifested.

I took action by joining several different dating sites.. sometimes I would go on fifty quick coffee dates in sixty days.. but these dates were funny, sad and even sometimes creepy.. after a couple of years of trying to date online and meet someone at local events.. I just went off line and stopped trying..because it was all the same guys.. just pointlessness..

So either manifesting doesn’t work..or I just suck at it?

But now to the dream of my sister that I had last night.. in the dream…

( My sister who had died of cancer was somehow in my bed; she held me close as I wept on her chest.. I cried so hard because I knew it was just a dream.. I was lucid dreaming. I wept because as she held me I could feel how tiny the cancer had made her.. how weak her muscles were..and in the dream I relived in an instant the terror of loosing her..of feeling helplessness towards a disease that had complete control of her body..of me keeping her safe ..” I just didn’t want you to suffer .. I just didn’t want you to suffer.. It isn’t fair how you suffered and died like that ” I bawled in her arms.. she said to me ” You did everything right Gracie. Everything we talked about when I was dying.. you lived your dreams.. the dreams I didn’t get to live because I was afraid.. you were so fearless writing your book.. doing what you did to help all women..it was a true sacrifice and the karma has been building over here in the spirit world for you.. you have good karma on the way..great karma Gracie.. just hold on a little longer. Did you feel me on your walk yesterday? In the wild roses? I was the roses that surrounded you to remind you of your childhood dream.. you know they are my birth flower.. and my birthday is on the 2nd of June..it’s my birthday soon.. I used the roses to show you how much love there is for you.” and then in my dream I cried harder knowing that I was going to wake up soon..I could feel it..” but they all hate me now for writing my book.” I wept.. tying to hang onto the dream..to her.. ” Just a little longer Gracie… just hang on”

And then I awoke in actual tears.. but I felt her spirit and the dream linger… ” just a little longer…”

So just maybe this manifestation thing might work after all.. or maybe I am just dreaming?

Love is all powerful

 

I met someone and I thought that we had clicked… but I was wrong again. I was wrong because it appears that he didn’t feel the same way. I was so sure; that when he didn’t respond like I thought he would.. I cried and I cried tonight. Of course when these things happen I feel so foolish and silly.. I feel so vulnerable and damaged..and I am really. My heart has a million scares and wounds.. I am a bleeding heart.. I am mush. It’s especially sad because it isn’t often that I feel that click with a guy..because I am so different and picky. But I opened up my already broken heart that never really seems to mend ( because I am a sensitive soul ) and once again I found myself in my own pool of tears on my pillow.

It’s a constant craving.. this craving for ” The One ” that I have apparently never met..and then it is a continual heartbreak when I dare hope that maybe this someone new could be him..and then my heart is dashed against the rocks like a ship lost at sea.. and all hope seems lost again..and I must grieve the loss of a love that never blossomed.. a light.. like a lighthouse that seems so faraway .. he is so far away from..so far that I just can’t see.. why is he so faraway from me?

And I say to The Angel of Love..” Why do you play with my heart like this? Why can’t you send me somebody to love? Send me someone to heal my broken heart.. to protect me from others who would see me suffer?”

It is such a dangerous thing to feel.. to open up your heart.. to be exposed to others.. to cry..even alone.. to truly allow yourself to be in sorrow..

Love is all powerful.. men and some women they want money and fame and they think that is powerful.. but you can have all of those things but to not have someone truly love you for all of your faults and strengths.. everything else means like nothing at all.. so love is all powerful.

Love is the muse for the artist.. it is the creative force.. without love the world would be gray and barren.. emotionless and pale.. love is everything..

But even though I feel him in my heart.. I cannot find him..

The craving will never leave.. the longing for his strength and touch.. the sound of his voice.. his scent .. his presence .. this will never leave me..

Until I find him I will be raw..

And the tears will fall..

Like rose petals on silk sheets..

My heart like crushed fruit.

 

Core

 

I exposed my heart to you now what are you going to do..

I am vulnerable, soft and sweet a tender treat..

I shared my secrets; my deepest demons and my angels too..

but I have no regrets in telling you that I love you..

I now that you know that I am broken what will be my punishment..

will there be vengeance from you my darling nemesis?

I am torn in shreds and that I don’t regret, because I have spent all my rage..

my heart is out of it’s cage..

I am crushed like ripe grapes..

my heart is pulp, bloody red and raw..

but the ecstasy has transported me to deep euphoric harmony..

I am enraptured in the depths of ravishment that overpowers me..

how exquisite this emotion like a fine wine drizzled on my tongue..

I am undone; the art of ripping a heart apart..

to the core, to the essence of the center open and sore..

abraded, inflamed by a passion untamed,  that has bewitched me..

but my heart is free from rationality that imprisoned me..

I didn’t know I was ravenous and starving for lust..

so devastate me, plunder and dissenter to liberate me..

break me in pieces so beautifully to be enchanting and ravishing..

I surrender willingly..

Sensitive

 

Love is so painful and raw; no matter how down-to-earth I try to be I cannot help but be swept off my feet..

sensitive

My heart is tender and compassionate and so my passions run free towards sentimentalities..

sensitive

This sensuousness in me stimulates me to deliciousness and it brings me to my knees..

sensitive

So much pleasure brings so much pain but I cannot help but love the sweet punishment that it brings..

sensitive

Exposed, open and bare, ravished by a a hunger that leaves me famished I am engorged for more..

sensitive

There is no rational, no lucid or logical for I am sensual, captivating, eager and willing for the taking..

I am sensitive

I am deep, and awaiting penetrating of his piercing, sharp gaze into my soul he breaks though my defenses..

sensitive

My fragrance is the essence; carnal surrender as I give the core, the thrust towards the sweetness within..

sensitive

I am overwhelmed and overwhelming by the breathtaking way  he plunges in with resolute desire  to enslave..

sensitive

He descends and submerges in his urges as I shiver with pure concentrated pain that becomes my pleasure..

sensitive

And as I quiet, as I sink into the bliss he begins again to take with earnestness what is oh so juicy and tender..

sensitive

I made it all up

 

I made you what I needed you to be..

But it was all my own make-believe..

I told myself that you were like a living daydream or a falling star..

So I could get through another day..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I made you into my Prince Charming; so disarming my fears..

So that I could have this Never,Never Land inside my head..

I needed to lie to myself so I could get bye..

I didn’t want cry and cry..so I..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I lived in fancy place inside my head..

I made you my saving grace to save face..

I didn’t want to face the truth..

That world is cruel full of cruel ones like you..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I needed to spend time in this magic place just for while..

I enjoyed the magic spells that cast even though they didn’t last..

I just needed a rest from the real world..

But eventually reality found you and me..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I am so sorry

 

I am so sorry for the harsh words that I said in anger..

I am so sorry for the way I looked at you when I was mad..

It wasn’t even your fault but the words spit out like hot burning coals of fire..

I forgot myself and I fell into the deepest pit of my humanity.. so many mistakes I made, when I should of caught myself.. there is no excuse for hurting you..

And to see you crying because of the words I used with abandon and abuse..

I am so sorry..

I adore you .. and when I hurt you I hurt myself too.. you are the other half of my heart.. the reason that I breath.. please don’t leave..

The thought of loosing you because I lost my cool is more than I can bear.. I can’t spare one single day without you here..

Please ,, please forgive me… I am so sorry..

I humble myself.. I am on my knees.. begging you to please see I was just in pain and acting out that way was my release..

I am so sorry..

I hit the bottom now.. not knowing if you will forgive me baby..

I am so sorry..

How could I hurt such a warm and tender heart.. you’r so devoted and so caring.. I was hateful and so mean, please.. please forgive my brutality..

I am so sorry..

I am lucid now that the heat has cooled in me and I comprehend that I need to mend this rift between you and me..

I am so sorry..

I am so blessed to have you dear.. you are priceless and I cherish this love so much so that I can admit I was wrong..

I am so sorry..

Baby please forgive me

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