Posts Tagged ‘courage to be yourself’

Chiron Tears

 

Sometimes there is a gift or two in sadness, suffering and sorrow. We are a society that is constantly searching outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment. But what if it is the constant searching that makes us unhappy? We are always waiting for a better tomorrow and a brighter day but when we do this, we are not being in the moment or being present in our truth ,and the reality that we are currently facing. I have been doing this by telling myself that when I meet my soul mate my life will begin again. I have put myself in a frozen holding pattern by telling myself I will not be fulfilled unless a man loves me romantically again. I have wanted to prove to my ex husband that I am lovable by finding a man to love me the way he refused to do. But then if I believe this I am not loving myself and I will not be loving the man I could be with. I would just be in love with love or romantic notions rather than with myself or with the person that I am with.

I have been doing this with my book as well. Telling myself my life will begin as soon as I reach the success of having a publishing house publish me, and by reaching public notice, that my life will then begin. But the truth is my life and I have always been here this entire 8 years since my husband left me with our three kids. The truth is just the fact that I wrote a book and self published the bo0k has been a level of success that few people ever reach. The truth is that happiness has not evaded me but I have been finding excuses to ignore it.

I learned this lesson from the last man I dated just a few days ago. I fell into the online fantasy again and did what I said I would never do. That was texting and face timing with a man for hours before meeting with him in person to see if there was a physical connection. In the last 8 years of my single life it has always ended badly. You see it is easy to construct a romantic fantasy online. It is easy for men and women to profess to be much more online than in person. It is like building a castle in the clouds. It is nothing but fantasy that cannot be in reality. When I was on my way to meet him I felt a deep sadness because inside I knew what was going to happen. It crashed and burned. He told me he didn’t find me attractive by text message afterwards. I felt the fall again. The fall from the castle in the clouds. I went over everything he said to me in my head ” I really feel like something amazing is happening between us, something very special.” that’s what he said; and I fell for it like a total fool. Like I said, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I have had so many of these meet up dates over the last 8 years I can’t possiblily remember them all, it must be over 100. Yet here I was falling into the same patterns of longing and yearning for the fantasy man who would ride in on his white horse and save me from loneliness.

One of my worst fears is dying before I am loved by a man

But then what if I drop the false hope? What if I drop the yearning and the longing and I let myself fall deeply into the wound of loneliness? What if I stay in the wound for awhile and explore the pain? What happens when I just allow myself to be in the reality of being alone? What if there is never going to be anyone? Can I be happy just being alone? Can I learn to except myself as the loner, weird artist, spiritualist that has always never fit in? What if I just accept the reality of the place that I am? It’s drinking my tears to heal my wound because the wounds of abandonment cannot be healed if I keep abandoning myself in this loneliness. And that is the gift in the suffering, itis  learning to accept myself as I am, it is learning that real love isn’t a fantasy and anyone that tries to sell you on a fantasy isn’t looking for the real thing; and wouldn’t know the real thing if they think a fantasy is love. Because real love is accepting yourself and others for all their imperfections and wierdness. I was willing to look past his imperfections but he was not willing to do the same. Sometimes it is better to be alone. I felt myself fall and get pulled down by crashing reality because I allowed the fable.

Sometimes being hopefull is actually being in denial because my heart knew and my intuition knew exactly what was about to happen because my subconscious was waking up to my denial. So there is no fairytale ending but there is a real and honest happiness in facing the truth. No one can make me happy but me and no one can heal my emotional pain and wounds but me. My happiness is my responsibility, moment to moment because the moment is all we have.

My book is available on amazon.com ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ by Gracie Ackerman

Free Goddess Coaching

 

 

Being a Goddess or your best self requires that you be yourself. I know a lot of women will seach this up on the internet looking for a step by step guide as to how to be anything but themselves. That is what society has brainwashed women into believing. You are probably wanting to know what you can wear, how you can act or special places you can go to to find your Goddess. I have seen women in Goddess Cirlces dressed like fictional Goddesses and acting in fictional ways that they think will make them more attractive to men and spiritually enlightened in spiritual societies. But honestly this is just role playing or pretend they haven’t actualized their Goddess or their best selves.

If you are looking for a tend or a concept to lose yourself in then you might not want to read this.

A woman who is truly empowered isn’t seeking the approval of others. A woman who is empowered is a Goddess as she is whole to herself. A woman who is being a Goddess is being in her own skin and is seeing herself through her own eyes. You see the patriarchy has brainwashed us through the media towards seeing ourselves and our value through the male gaze. There are many Goddess teachings by female or even male coaches and writers that promote a false Goddess understanding by teaching women becoming a Goddess is to become more attractive or alluring towards male approval. If a woman is not being herself she will not be able to sustain the ACT  and the relationship or courtship that she attracts with her ACT will fail over time because eventually the mask becomes to much of a burden to wear.

Being an empowered woman or GODDESS is not a trend, it is not a fashion nor need it be a spiritual statement; becoming empowered is simply for herself, for yourself.. it is hedonistic as it is simply for the pleasure of being you. It is for the pleasure of exploring you.

A Goddess or an empowered woman is a feminist or believes in equality because she loves herself; the only way to true empowerment is to love and respect yourself.  A Goddess owns herself, her mind, body, reproductive rights, she speaks her mind and gives her opinions. A Goddess is not a damsel in destress, she saves herself but when she needs help she will seek it out because she loves herself enough to know when she needs help. A empowered woman or a Goddess empowers other women, she helps other women by giving her wisdom freely to other women and girls who cannot afford to pay for it. Like I am doing here; but she also knows her worth and isn’t shy in asking for what is due her.

A Goddess is not a brand, just like I said it is not a trend or a fashion statement; an empowered woman and empowering other women is timeless; but, except for a select few men who are more intouch with their inner feminity most Goddess Work must be taught by women who have lived as women; because you do not know what you do not know.

As an empowered woman I do not seek out fame and fortune because I know these things are fleeting; but I seek out a medium on which to share so that all women can become empowered by the message. I don’t and nor should you need the world’s attention or approval. Fame is a vehicle and money should be a shared resource to further empower others.

A Goddess or an empowered women owns her own sexuality past shame, past religious dogma that is the male gaze or perspective, she owns her sexuality past societal norms as they are not normal. A Goddess decides what and how her body will be shaped; but because a Goddess loves herself her health and wellbeing are her main goal. A Goddess choses if modesty or nudity is right for her and doesn’t slut same other women for their own unique choices as to how they express their sexuality.

You become a Goddess by being brave enought to step into your unique and special self. You become a Goddess by loving you as you are and by loving life. You learn to love life by being grateful in the moment, by honing in on your own special gifts and talents; these special gifts and talents become your purpose. A Goddess lives into her purpose and makes life meaningful by doing so.

A empowered woman or a Goddess listens to her own intuition or inner priestess or guides. She is her own spirituality and forms her own religion on around love and compassion to herself and others.

Being a Goddess or empowered woman takes intense bravery as the world wants to constantly drag women back into the male gaze or dumbed down patriachy model of a weak and meek woman, that should be seen and not heard. I Goddess ROARS..

I am not sorry that I didn’t give you a trendy and stylish version of becoming a Goddess that you are probably used to reading. What I hope I did was help you to go deep inside of yourself to invision the greatness of you becoming more of you.

You can find my book on Amazon.ca ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) ~  by Gracie Ackerman

Please go to the front page of my website www.sexassacred.com for further information

Deeply

 

I looked into the abyss and it looked back into me; and I found that I didn’t like what I saw or what I had become. When you fight monsters you do become a monster yourself.

I wrote about the monsters; and I thought by doing so I would expose them and bring them to justice but instead I hooked them on a line to myself and my ship..and as I reeled them in I brought the darkness to me. I brought the dark energy right to me and into my heart. Their darkness painted me with a dark lens; and their energy merged with mine..and I became egocentric like them..

I was a dolphin swimming with sharks pretending to be a shark so that I wouldn’t get eaten..but they still took bites out of me and chunks of energy from me.. until this last time.. the last time that woke me up from my own denial.. that dolphins cannot swim with sharks.. I am not a shark. I never wanted to be a shark.. yet to survive in shark infested waters I had to deny my basic nature.

This last attack was an awakening to my psyche; as it was a direct attack on my spirit or the essence of my soul..and it was the Universe saying listen to what they are saying to you ” You do not belong here and you do not fit in here because you are not meant to be here..so leave.. leave and never look back.. go and find those who match your soul.” My bleeding out confirmed the fact that I cannot survive in a place that is ruthless…for my nature is not ruthless but loving and peaceful..

So I cut the ties that bind me to them. I took down all of the blog post that I wrote about them; like cutting the lines to the monsters under my ship, awakening me from the nightmare. I left the battle that cannot be won as there are no winners..to leave them to compete and fight among themselves; as sharks do for blood in the water. Monsters consume each other in a world based on material wealth and not the abundance of the heart or of love.

I cut the lines to free my soul; to free my ship and I set the sails into the wind to go towards peace, serenity and beauty. The little dolphin swimming on her own to find her own kind.. to find those who create love and bliss.. rather than those who consume and compete, who destroy themselves by destroying others.

I will find my home and my soul family.. I have awakened from my own denial.. I am waking from the nightmare.. and leaving the monsters behind me.

Goddess of Love

 

 

It’s Valentines weekend. It is very easy to get caught up in all the fuss. Valentines Day is supposed to be a day of love or a day for lovers; but actually it is just a great day for retail. Lovers should share their love everyday, and single people should love and value themselves as singular people everyday..  I think it is important to keep grounded and real during the hype.. if you are in a relationship or not, because Valentines Day can make people feel bitter and resentful, jealous and stressed; rather than loved and grateful. It is  important to stay in the moment and to take stock of what is truly valuable and meaningful.. like the simple things..as love is beautiful simplicity .. it’s human’s that make love complicated.

As a woman it is very important to value and love yourself first before ever getting involved with any one romantically. Why go on a date with someone who isn’t worthy of you just to go on a date for Valentines Day or any other day for that matter? I know so many single women giving their time and energy away to men who don’t deserve it.. the players, cheaters and the men that don’t actually want to commit ..the game players.. a woman who is in her Inner Goddess or Queen, Diva etc .. wouldn’t and will not put herself in that position. Using myself as an example; I didn’t haunt dating sites or pursue men.. because what is meant to be will be.. instead I focused my attention and energy on myself and my kids.. I focused on being grateful for the beauty that I have already in my life.. and like a true Goddess I create and am creating a beautiful life all around me.

To become or come in contact with your Inner Goddess.. is to simply be more and more of yourself everyday.. to love and honor yourself, spiritually and physically.. to express your sexuality on your own terms.. whatever that may be to you. To become a Goddess is to be authentic, real, raw, brave and unique. A Goddess is iconic.. not like what the fashion or media world would like us to mimic.. because Goddesses come in all shapes and sizes..all races and ages..as she is timeless and infinite.. if a woman tells you that you must behave, look or act like what she thinks a Goddess is; don’t follow her because she is speaking from ego and conceit, not from the Divine.. because SHE  ( The Goddess ) wants you to be you.. the Great Goddess..the MOTHER of all Creation whats you to be as she birthed you..because you were born that way! You were born to be you!

There are many misconceptions as to why I do this.. many men think that I express my sexuality and use my image to get male attention and many women think I do it for the same reasons. A Goddess expresses her sexuality for herself.. that is what makes her a Goddess.. she doesn’t pretend or become anything for anyone else and she doesn’t give a fuck about what other people think about her being herself. A woman’s sexuality is as much apart of her as is her personality or name.. she is what she is..and a Goddess is whole unto herself… and yes this is intoxicating and powerful..and frightening to many people..because it is rare.. society teaches both men and women how to behave..and women are taught to become what men judge as sexually pleasing as men are taught to become what is sexually pleasing by mainstream media.. and so then we wonder why women and men cannot connect intimately or why both men and women are so confused in relationships. It is because we can only pretend for so long..and then the mask falls off .. when a woman or man is authentic and unique it is powerful and potent.. it is awe .. he becomes The Divine Masculine and she The Divine Feminine.. when both a man and a woman carrying their Inner God and Goddess come together the Earth moves.. And so I am waiting for my God.. he is simply a man that takes no shit..and is himself.. he doesn’t give a shit what you think.. he is a man that cherishes and protects women.. he hasn’t any need to compete or control.

As a Goddess I love and cherish myself the way I want to be loved and cherished by a man. Giving myself this type of photography makes me feel sensual and beautiful. Giving myself roses on Valentines Day is my way of telling myself that I am worthy of love..I am worthy of a great and powerful love..and that love already lives inside of me..because I am me.

It is my hope that this blog post inspires you to be uniquely you.. I hope you find away to pamper yourself and cherish yourself.. and when that special person comes along may you both pamper and cherish each other

Happy Valentines Day

Love

Gracie

Stay Sweet

 

We all live in a world were everyone is pretending .. it’s just the way it is. It starts in high school. Everyone wants to fit in.. be popular.. liked and accepted. We are shown through media projections; by branded personalities how to be cool.. how to put on the social masks that everyone worships and adores. But by doing so we loose ourselves and our true identities and so we become bitter. We become bitter by fear.. fear of rejection.. we become bitter because we sell ourselves out.. for social acceptance, and we think social protection. But if one becomes popular and adored by many people for projecting a image that they want.. we are truly not accepted at all..because we are not really being ourselves. So you can have the love of many while not being loved at all..and worse… you not loving yourself.

The most difficult thing to do is to really be yourself and love yourself past other’s insecurities and social rejections… but it is the only way to stay sweet..it is to stay and be vulnerable; to be humble. Courage is putting your heart out there..while knowing far well, that you will probably be rejected. When you are truly authentic, open, raw and vulnerable you are a threat to those who wear the thickest social masks.. because you are their mirror. A truly authentic and raw person is clear and blinding truth to those who are in the greatest denial of the social mask that they wear; and so it is that the nerdiest, nicest, sweetest and strangest people are the most rejected by society. We make people uncomfortable..because conformity is comforting.. the sweetest and most loving people wear their hearts on the outside..so we are labeled as victims by those who would victimize the open hearted for the very fear of being open and vulnerable themselves.

In the worldly way.. being truly vulnerable is labeled as weak.. but who is really being weak? I think those who have lost themselves in groups of people and organizations have lost.. those who are vulnerable and have the courage to constantly lay their hearts on the line.. well this is true strength..to put your heart out, even though it is wounded..bloody and raw from being constantly rejected.. attacked for being open.. seen as a target.. this takes in credible strength.. people like me .. we are true spiritual warriors.. because we are giving the world and example of the compassionate heart.. even thought it is constantly being torn and ripped apart by those who fear true depth and feeling.. those who have been hurt and cut.. sometimes they are the one’s that will cut us the deepest. But being truly vulnerable, real, raw, authentic and open regardless of constant emotional, mental and spiritual attacks, takes the greatest strength.

We live in a very cold and plastic society.. not just in my city.. even though outsiders confirm that their is a higher than normal concentration of assholes in Kelowna BC.. but the only way to open other’s cold and fearful hearts is to stay open and brave.. to stay vulnerable .. raw.. broken .. and compassionate.. it is to do our very best to forgive them..because in their, inner terror, they are lost..lost to themselves.. washed away .. in the conformity of fitting in..rather than standing brave.. being nerdy.. goofy.. making mistakes..failing..being perfectly/imperfect ..

Stay sweet.. stay open.. an love no matter what.. because love favors the brave.

Don’t let fear and bitterness make you bitter.

Competition is for the weak

 

The reason we compete is to gain the approval of others and to qualify ourselves as better than others.. the truly strong or empowered know they are their own competition. I am not just talking about sports.. I am talking about life. Since writing my blog and website I have had many women assume that I put my topless pictures online and have written about my sexuality simply to get male and media attention. I understand the assumptions and the confusion as many women and men use their sexuality online to compete against others and simply for the sake of attention.. like getting 15 min of fame.. like making stupid people famous.. becoming famous for showing tits and ass.. with no other reason except for the sake of deep rooted insecurities and immaturities. I used my nudity in a very calculated and intellectual way to promote natural sexuality and sexual health… to out sexual repression. Quite frankly when another woman poses herself as my competition online or in my daily life I think it is a ridiculous waste of her time and energy.. if she truly wants to be great she should just be herself.. if she truly wants to be great she should do something for humanity outside of herself.. and I think when other women compete against other women they are comparing themselves..if you are truly an empowered woman you know no one can compare to you..as you are unique.. I truly empowered woman is not a brand she is an icon.

In a competition you compete were your so called competitors are competing .. and you have accepted them as your competition by allowing it and accepting them as such.. the iconic run their own race..and metaphorically speaking; it’s a jump off a very high cliff..and they build their wings the way down… this isn’t a race against any competition.. no one else has racing numbers pinned to them.. running beside them ..with a predetermined start and finish line.. you see; for the iconic the finish line is their last breath.. it’s a risk of falling from grace.. to climb all the way back up to the top with a pack full of lessons.. when they plant that flag.. the flag of ” Fuck you ” fuck you.. to the ordinary.. the daily grind.. fuck you to the I wanna be just like them so I can fit in.. fuck you to coloring in the lines..fuck you to rules..fucking stupid rules that keep you on a track already defined by others.. defined by fear..and fuck you to fear.. NO FEAR!

I am not going to stand up in a line up of bikini clad women..who have stripped all the fat off their bodies to see who can look most like the mold ( white ) by white I mean the white entitled definition of beauty were every single women in a beauty contest has to try to look as European as possible.. break that fucking mold.. why the fuck do you want to look like everyone else? Why the fuck do you want to look like the most polished version of plastic crap? Real empowered women don’t compete against other women..they don’t do fashion shoots all lined up with their asses sticking out.. looking like a dime-a-dozen.. looking like they blend one into the other..” Take your pic..or fuck them all” nothing new here.. nothing different.. nothing exciting.. take a good look then move along and forget about it…nothing to remember here.. just the same old..same old ..same as it always was.. women dumbing themselves down to fit into the box.. to fit the mold of beauty lost..the beauty of imperfections and character.. it’s just plastic perfection and the projection of insecurities of women clawing over each other fake eyelashes and nails.. bleached blond, crunchy.. overly processed hair..

But you did something.. or so you think.. you got a trophy and a plastic crown to go with your plastic perfection.. you showed those other bitches who the best and biggest bitch is.. but you are lost.. lost in a rat-race, circle of competition.. lost your true self or any real message.. lost yourself in comparing apples to oranges.. trying to be one.. when you were a peach… but peaches are not trendy right now.. so you had to make yourself into what you are not… and so you blend right in.. all the magic in you lost for nothing… and what you won was the same thing the next girl will win..and you will blend into the pictures on the wall of tinsel fame..that means nothing at all..

It’s degrading.. it’s downgrading … it’s a chipping away of the perfectly/imperfect Goddess that you are..

To take this post in another direction.. I have recently been reading post on The Globe and Mail that feminists are starting to wear granny panties vs thong panties and they are not shaving their legs or arm pits..seems to me that feminist are also being placed into a box by media… it is to say that you have to follow this look of going against what is seen as typical beauty to be a feminist..as if being a feminist means being ugly .. like would you stop showering if it labeled you as a feminist by the media and the world? It is to say that you have to look like this mold or version of a feminist to be taken seriously in the world as a feminist.. well fuck that shit.. A feminist is who the fuck she wants to be.. a feminist is herself..

So write your own story.. create your own art..stop stealing from others.. be original..be an icon.. break the mold..color outside of the lines..wear your freckles with pride.. rock your curves.. be proud of your sexuality.. your own body.. take a leap of faith.. get off the beaten path.. free yourself of mediocrity..don’t be a carbon copy.

http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx link to my book

Comparison is the thief of joy

Or it is an examination of reality..and reality bites.

” Be like water.. flow” Or ” Only dead fish float”

Success .. how do you define success? Is it to rise above others.. to stand out from the crowd by having more than what others have..be it fame or money? I define success as helping others rise.. this is my calling and this is me being truly myself. I have seen the inequalities by comparison my entire life.. from a small child I could see the entitlement of men over women..and racists attitudes and beliefs in our cultures.. I could see from the time my feet hit the earth.. how religion and other organizations brainwashed society into these unequal patterns ..that we act out daily against one another.. and so I rage against the machine.. I rage against the bullshit.. break out of the box and raise my fist against it..and I expose it..I write about it.. to help society rise.

Yes comparison is the thief of joy.. but it is those who place the comparisons that are the true thieves of equality.. they are the black magicians.. the wolves in sheep’s clothing… the lions that seem to be tamed.. the capitalist that calls himself a philanthropist.. is really the wolf hunting the sheep.. in the camouflage of the sheep’s skin.. of the last one he ran through with his hidden agenda.. ” Welcome to the Jungle it gets worse here everyday, ya learn to live like an animal, in the Jungle were we play, if you got a hunger for what you see, you will take it eventually, you can have anything you want but you better not take it from me ” Guns N’ Roses mentality..but the truth will set you free.

If we stop comparing.. we will become food for those who eat people’s faces off.. the lion that you thought you had tamed.. but you loved the lion..you fed the lion.. you even coddled the lion.. and the lion was like a child to you..but when you were alone with the lion.. were no one could see.. the true nature of the lion came out to play..and the lion ate your face off.. this is the nature of the beast.. the nature of greed for those who define their successes as having others bones beneath their feet… it is in the lion’s and the wolves nature to feed.. because this is the Jungle.. and the laws of nature apply.. so you better get wise.. you better watch them for what they do..not for who they say they are.. you better fucking compare sheep to lions.. wolves to rabbits.. victimizers to victims so that you be neither .. these are street smarts .. required by those born into the Jungle.. were you learn to run before you walk.. you learn to get the fuck outta there when the air gets heavy and hot.. you trust your instincts..when the hair raises on the back of your neck you know your being hunted.. you know your being stalked.. to not become the cruel flesh eater.. you don’t join in the feeding frenzy.. you don’t move with the pack.. you become the lone wolf.. the one that goes against the nature of the beast.. to not become the victim you get wise to your own nature.. your own inner beast is the one you tame.. not the beasts outside of yourself.. you don’t walk away you run.. you get gone when the air gets think with blood lust.. this is the wisdom of the lone wolf..of the lion that has truly become the King of the Jungle.. he/she moves at their own pace.

But if women stop comparing inequalities of the 77 cent dollar compared to %100 male dollar the beast will continue to feed on the flesh of the weak that choose to go belly up and float.. if African American’s don’t compare white justice to true justice .. justice will never be manifest.. it will stay The Jungle..and the saints and angels will always be portrayed with white skin..and those of color will remain less than.. this is reality and it bites.. it bites down hard with the intention of tearing flesh down to bone.

So joy walks hand in hand with sorrow.. so we can know joy by comparison towards the depths of deep sadness.. this births wisdom.. because in The Jungle only the prey go belly up.

” In The Jungle, Welcome to the Jungle, watch it bring you to your..It’s gonna bring ya down – HA!”

Too fat and fucked up to be his girlfriend

 

Doesn’t seem to matter what a woman does, it’s just not good enough for many men. It seems to me many guys have this make-believe perfect, weird science bitch living in their heads. I think she is different for most men; but she has similar traits expressed by most men. First off she is calm and kind ( a push over ) and she has the perfect body type. She isn’t too tall or too short; she isn’t too muscular or too thin.. and she never ages. She never gets mad and she does what he expects her to do without having to be told what to do.. she just knows exactly what he wants ( mind reader ) she is a lady in public but a sex freak in private for him.. but not too freaky least she should make him feel insecure ( that she may of had better than him or that he isn’t enough to satisfy her ). She doesn’t ever upstage him.. she gives him all the glory and the limelight .. she worships him and treats him like a GOD.

I am not her. I have my good moments I guess ???…but I have a temper..my temper is like a summer storm; it’s hot, fast and then it blows over just as fast.. makes you wonder if it even happened at all. I am short, I can be shy and then I can be a show off. I like the little bit of fat on my tummy.. it’s just a little bit..but I find it feminine. I am fit and I think fabulous but I am not a bodybuilder chick.. I train for strength and conditioning..but I am the one who will save us all from the zombies when they attack. I am not going to starve myself or go on ultra strict diets to please men or any man.I like my curves and my muscle.. I am aging and I am going to do that gracefully. I am not going to lie about my age and I am not going to feel shame about my body changing.. I am not going to compete with other women for a man’s attention of affections.. I have too much dignity and self-respect to jump through hoops like a trained poodle to coddle some guys ego.I am strong willed and strong minded.. I don’t want some guy in my head taking up all my intellectual space .. I have better things to think about then what the fuck he might be thinking about..

It’s so ironic that people preach about being authentic when they are too chicken shit to be truly authentic..being authentic means accepting your imperfections.. if they be physical or personal..

I just cannot imagine ever being in another relationship with a man who has to pick me apart to feed his own fragile ego.. I was married to a guy like that.. always looking over the fence to see how much greener the grass was.. because he wasn’t taking care of our relationship or putting his full intentions into our relationship..and I find that most of the single divorced men my age still haven’t taken full ownership of doing that themselves in their last relationships.. yet they say ” My ex wife was a bitter angry woman ” my thoughts on this ” Yes I bet she was since you were always comparing her to that make-believe, weird science bitch that lives in your head.. and you were always comparing her to every perfect looking or seemingly perfect woman that walked by.. yes I bet she was right pissed off at your shit ” I am thinking as he sits beside me on our coffee, meet up date..and he weighs and judges me with his eyes.. seeing something or hearing something from me that just doesn’t look or sound perfect enough.. because I am too short.. or my hair is the wrong color or length.. my boobs are not perky enough.. my teeth are not strait enough and I have a blemish on my chin… I am bloated because it’s the first day of my period..and no, I don’t want to body build and shred my body fat to look like the bitch in his head…

I wonder how many men have passed up some pretty damn amazing women because they can’t get past their own bullshit and insecurities..because they are getting older, and fatter and shorter.. because things are sagging on them…and their male hormones are making them softer..they just ain’t as hard as they used to be.. I think if they came to their own acceptance and grew the fuck up.. they would find that imperfections are uniqueness ..and character.. imperfections are endearing .. and imperfections are sexy ..

So I guess I need man who just as fucked up as I am… I am sure he going to be sexy as hell.

Change Your Stars

 

There are always people who don’t want to see other’s dreams come true; especially the dreams of people that they think are beneath them. When people are born into privilege often times they lack in character and spirit.. so they hate to see someone with character and spirit come to access success or victory. They haven’t ever been hungry for it; they haven’t ever had to truly strive to make their mark or path, because it was already set before them. Often times they don’t really have a dream.. a real dream .. I dream that is a paradigm shifting, catalystic force. The privileged see fame as away to personally promote their own selfish means, rather than as tool to give birth to a message that brings wealth and success to all humanity.. so because they don’t have that drive, talent or even the ability to dream such a dream they will use their privilege to crush the magic before it ever reaches victory.

I am that dreamer. I am one of those; and maybe if your reading this.. if you searched up this topic; so are you.

We are the ones that come from the wrong side of the tracks; the ones born into poverty.. yet we still dare to change our stars.. dare to build our own worth.. to re-create ourselves into what we are told by the privileged we have no right to do.. But there are many who have succeeded us.. many paupers that became Kings.. many a maid that became Queen.. they are the ones that had heart..

It is that HEART..and that courage that those born to privilege will never understand.. it is what they are envious of.. It is that spirit that they wish to crush because they simply don’t walk within it themselves..and even though they walk on a gilded path.. they will never know the drive and the ambition of those that wish to change the stars they were born under..they will never understand true pride in the positive stance.. what it is like to be hit over and over again..but to keep getting up.. no matter what.

They are so jealous of the dreamers that think outside the box..that don’t color in the lines..that write their own music and the lyrics.. that dance to the beat of their own drum.. that pave and blaze their own trails..

The dreamers.. the rebels .. they think we are crazy, outcasts, weird and strange.. because our reality is a new reality.. we don’t live in their rules, we break them because they are stupid rules.. that tell us ” You will never be ready, don’t even try, you need to be certified and approved by the privileged few, before you can fly.”

But the dreamers, we don’t listen.. we take a huge leap of faith..and we build our wings while we fall..and we fail..and we fail..but by god we learn..

Some of us will not make it.. but what a beautiful, courageous story still.. making even failure into art.. but some of us.. will FLY

 

Just be yourself..

 

 

 

 

It’s so simplistic; something we are told to be from grade school and up .. yet so difficult to do.

People project their insecurities onto you; but also we learn through other’s, being our mirrors where our strengths and weaknesses are.. the difficult part is figuring out which is which.

The only way to be successful in life is to take responsibility for yourself; your issues and weaknesses. Taking responsibility leads us to possibilities; the possibilities lead us down the right path to success and discoveries. But unfortunately we  have to go through the trial and error process; or learning it the hard way. Learning the hard way is the best way, the most painful way seems to nail home the lessons.

My lesson has been that I have been attempting to promote a controversial book;  the controversy of educating the public about the sexual repression of women by religion, by stepping out of the paradigm by being sexually liberated and by expressing this feminine sexual liberation in my book and on this site, I have exposed the lack of it in society. Simply I have learned that I cannot function within the paradigm .. ( that is also within the media or business world ) since I am setting up or living within the new or more functional paradigm. My lesson is that it was silly to try. How could I have thought even for a second that I could be in that world when I am basically not of that world..but attempting to lead or show that world the way to the new society.. a world of true equality? Since women who are sexual or sensual are not to be taken seriously, seen as immoral or even evil in the old existing paradigm I am not justifiable. Until my book or message hit mainstream media or it is somehow excepted in mass it and I will remain on the fringes of society..

You see society says ” be yourself just not that way”

And so to stand my ground ..to just be myself.. I have to be by myself.. to see myself through my own eyes.. not to allow the old paradigm concepts of behaviors drag me down into the old and dysfunctional. To truly love myself and to have others in anyway accept me I have to totally accept and love me. So now I am flying solo.

This time of being just with myself is a time of great introspection .. a time to sort through the recent past.. to keep the lessons that were mine and to let go of the lessons that belong to others.. that were projected onto me by them.. it’s a unpacking..an organizing of the heart, mind and soul.. time to lighten the load.. let go of what has held me back.. find the doors that are locked shut.. to move onto open doors that maybe available now or in the near future..

When someone is being or doing something dramatically different they are usually pushed to the fringes of society out of fear and ignorance.. it is my responsibility to accept this for what it is..and to do my best to make the best of it.

My weakness has been to bash my head against doors that will not open.. my strength has been to dare to do so..

But now it is time to quietly gaze within.. to quiet my own fears.. to relax and wait upon the still voice that speaks in silent places..

I will just be myself now..

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