Posts Tagged ‘be strong’

I am Strong But I am Tired

 

Being the bigger person is exhausting. Always having to relent over other people’s selfishness, lack of consciousness, greed, lies, meanness, manipulations and power-trips is absolutly exhausting. Being a nice person or a caring person, and emotional or empathetic person gets you taken advantage of. This is reality and the reality that I am living in. I am tired. I am so tired of being the first one and sometimes the only one to say sorry. I am tired of being the first one to say I love you. I am tired of doing favors and nice things for other people and not having the due respect being returned to me. I am tired of being the one to understand others and their problems to have others not bother to attempt to try to live in my shoes.  I am exhaused of people not giving me just common courtesy of respecting my privacy and personal space and then expecting me to respect theirs. I am exhaused from people power-tripping over the fact that I am a single mom without any family or man to protect me from their bullying and abuse of power over my unfortunate circumstances. I am tired of people returning kindness for cruelty and then blaming me when I get angry or for defending myself. I am totally exhausted for fighting for or defending my space in this world. Sometimes I feel so defeated and hopless that I get depressed and wonder why the hell I am even in this world, if I just can’t seem to move forward in it because other people cannot be kind and most of all; have some freaking manners!

I am exhausted from people posting about their personal virtues while not living up to them unless they can get socially recognition for being charitable and kind; because when no one is looking they have thrown me under a bus!

As a single woman and a single mother I am tired of weak men; I am tired of men comimg to me looking for me to save them and mother them, while I am saving and mothering three children against a cruel and ungiving world and battling my ex husband who would love to see me fail so that he can feel good about failing as a husband. I am tired of men coming to me who cannot finacially support themselves and who have no ambition towards making their own lives better. I am tired of cheaters and liers; I am tired of men bringing their unfinshed relationships towards me with their jealous ex girlfriends yipping at my heals ( I don’t want him ) I am tired of not being intimate with a man in 4 years because of all of the above stated reasons for being emotionally exhausted by lack of kindness and empathy in all of society and humanity.

I am emotionally drained of not having anyone to buffer the blows of this cold, cruel and selfish world; yet I see many married couples who are cruel and selfish to each other within the marriage and I suppose it is better than sleeping with the enemy as many of you are doing. It is better for me to be alone and tired than to be with someone and be lonely and used by them; and that is what makes me STRONG!

Yet I am tired of tring to hang on to the possiblity of the RIGHT ONE…. as the years have gone bye… 8 years of living on my own being a lone warrior for myself and my children. Keeping the home fires buring and the wolves at bay.

I am tired of being strong today.

But don’t you dare think that because I am writing this in this moment of emotional exhaustion that I will stay in this place of hoplessness.. because I will rise up again. I will cry.. and I did today.. I cried hard.. and I will cry some more today. I will pray. I will write this and maybe paint.. and then I will get on with life and hope the fates will hear this as my prayer and give me someone good and decent to love and that will love me in return..and the fates will bring me good people to share my life with..

And that is STRONG.. it is strong to admit I am only human and I need love too.

A conversation with my daughter about beauty

 

Just when I thought I was setting a good example for my children with my bodybuilding training the tables turned on me.

My 15 y/o daughter informed me while I was cooking dinner tonight that she wanted to go on a strict diet. She isn’t overweight at all; she is healthy, rosy cheeked and very opinionated. She told me that there were parts of her body that she didn’t like ..she said ” I want my tummy to be concave mom. I want my skin to be perfectly clear so that means no fat or sugar in my diet.” I told her that restricting her diet would lead to a lifetime of an unhealthy relationship with food.. that it would be best to just moderate fat and sugar and workout some more..but she had been watching YouTube ..she wanted instant results.. I felt myself becoming very sad and emotional at the fact that she had said there were parts of herself that she didn’t like..but I felt she needed some space to eat her dinner and then be alone in her room for a while..and I needed to get my emotions under control.. it was then that I approached her alone in her room..

I sat on the end of her bed and said to her ” I want you to know that you are an amazing young woman. I brag about you all the time to the ladies at the gym. I brag about how driven you are. I brag about your 4.0 and your honors courses.. I brag about how healthy and rebellious you are in the right ways. You are a strong minded, head strong girl with leadership qualities..it takes a very strong girl to put up with a very strong mother and forge her own way and identity. I want you to love yourself flaws and all.. I am so proud of you as a person and I am so blessed to have you as my first born daughter.” we both started to tear up..and she said ” Mom you don’t have to say this.” and I said ” I really want you to hear me and to take this into your heart.. outward beauty is nothing without inward beauty..outward beauty fades but a strong mind and spirit only get stronger.. you may not see yourself as Hollywood beautiful but you are the whole package of beauty.. the world needs more girls and women like you in the world.” and then I kissed her as she sorta, kinda pretended to push me away.

I then I told her from the end of her bed ” I am doing the bodybuilding to get my mind off of not being able to get through people’s ignorant thick heads about the sexual repression and inequalities towards women.. it’s so they don’t drive me crazy. I see it as a sport and a spiritual practice on sobriety.. not a beauty contest; although if I do compete; it is a beauty contest to many of the other’s competing..and to them it maybe only superficial. To me it is to make me more mentally sharp..spiritually balanced and centered.. I don’t want you to think that I see outer beauty as a means of myself worth and I don’t want you to see me as setting an example of that for you.” and then I took a breath between tears of love and adoration for my daughter.. ” The most beautiful people truly love themselves and that is how they can love others..that is the most important thing you need to do in your life..and a well cultivated brain is ultra beautiful.. there are so many outwardly beautiful people that do nothing for humanity but stand as ornaments ..the most important thing you can do with your life is to do something with your life that will help humanity evolve.. it will be a girl like you that will change the world.”

And with that I gave my daughter another hug and went into my own room to wipe away my proud mommy tears.

Realistic Weight Loss and Fitness

me 9 months pregnant with my son.. I was toxic and very bloated. But after loosing 4 pregnancies I was victorious when he was born..a true miracle.. one of my greatest challenges..

 

In point form

1. It’s a mental game. It’s all mental. You have to decide to do it and then take the actions to do it.

2. Educate yourself on health and nutrition.

3. KISS keep it simple stupid. You don’t need to purchase expensive supplements or equipment.

4. Create realistic goals. Rome wasn’t built in day.

5. Love and accept yourself first so that you can love and accept yourself more.

6. Weight loss and fitness are a journey, so enjoy the journey and transformation process.

7. The most important.. do it for you; do it for yourself first and foremost. This will give you the power to follow through.

8. Create more fitness goals once you have reached a peak..keep spreading your wings.

Everyone is looking for a quick fix and instant gratification.. sorta like going to the fridge and getting your favorite treat.. real lasting weight loss takes time. Starvation diets don’t work because you can only starve yourself for so long. Not feeding your body slows down your metabolic rate..or the amount of calories you burn while resting. Your body is furnace; to keep it burning at a higher rate you need to eat 6 small high protein meals a day. You need to sweat to burn calories.. you need to sweat to cleanse your body. Scientifically speaking NOTHING works better at cleansing the body than a clean organic diet.. with lots of filtered water.. and a good solid half hour sweat at least 5x a week ( then you can work your way up ). Nothing else is needed to cleanse your body..to help your body burn calories and fight ageing. Nothing on the market can do for you what Mother Nature can do for you..or the natural nature of your own human biology. We were not meant to sit on our asses in front of screens all day and eat processed foods. It is just that simple.. stop eating garbage if you don’t want to feel like garbage..increase your energy by expending energy.. this creates more energy over all..

THE MENTAL GAME  – it’s about pinpointing and breaking bad habits. Like eating ice cream in the middle of the night; the mental game is about holding yourself accountable. The mental game is about taking responsibility for your choices. To get yourself prepared to do the actions of loosing weight and getting fit.. you have to change your mind set. For example; while I was pregnant and unable to work out due to my high risk pregnancy I would watch a show called X Weighted on Slice Networks. A Canadian show about trainers and nutritionists going into peoples homes to show them how to clean out their kitchens and minds of garbage. I was preparing to hit the ground running when my son was born..but I knew it was going to take years to reach my fitness goals of being ultra fit.. because it had taken 7 years of being pregnant 7x ( I lost 4 of the pregnancies due to complications and miscarriage ) but I knew from being super fit in my 20s it would take even longer to get it back in my 40s..so my goals were reasonable.

The most important thing about weight loss and fitness is that you keep eating.. you cut your portion sizes in half or into thirds if you were really over doing it..and you make 3 large meals into 6 small meals..or even 8 small meals. You don’t eat before bed.. you do not go to bed with a full tummy..this slows down your metabolism ..and causes your body to store those calories as fat over night.

The mental game comes into play when you fall off the wagon.. you don’t give yourself permission or EXCUSES to stay off the wagon..get back on that fucking wagon.. I don’t care if you binged for 3 days..get back on that wagon. The mental game; there are no perfect conditions, you will get colds, headaches, your kids will drive you nuts.. your husband.. wife.. boyfriend or girlfriend will piss you off.. but that just means you use it as fuel..as a challenge to continue..you remember why your doing it..because of point #5 and point #7

Start slowly if you are really out of shape.. start with walking, swimming, yoga..soft movements that help you shed the weight so that you can increase your level of fitness when you become more comfortable by removing the bulk. If you over do it and hurt yourself, you will not enjoy it.. you will quit. Allow yourself one cheat meal a week.. so that you don’t feel deprived..but remember you are a food addict.. so you must be honest .. keep a food diary to keep you honest with yourself. I know many people who say ” I don’t know why I don’t loose weight .. I eat so healthy..it’s just genetics?” but they have frozen cream puffs in their freezer..hidden away from friends and family… or sometimes they say that to me while eating a bag of processed potato chips.. be honest with yourself..take responsibility.. keep it real with you..to prove you love your spouse or family/friends .. you are honest.. love yourself and be honest.

As you begin to loose weight and you become more comfortable with your body in action you can increase your training.. you can become fit rather than just thin.. it’s about health..not the thigh gap.. you can go to #8.. get training.. push yourself over new peaks to greater levels.. you can feel like and look like a super hero.. you can become more youthful..

The #1 excuse that people use ” I don’t have time ” but they have time to watch TV every night and be on Facebook constantly..so yes you do have time.. you can organize your time to make the time. I am a single mother of three. I get up hrs before my kids to have my coffee and breakfast..pack my gym bag and go and do it. I don’t watch TV.. I took the Facebook app off my phone. I don’t bring my phone into the gym or to the track or trail..but I check my phone in the change room now and then to make sure my kids are fine. I have the energy to keep up with my kids, the house work, my part time job and my own big dream as a published author; of beginning a movement towards freeing women of sexual repression..because I give myself ..self love and care. I make the time for me. When my kids were smaller I put them in the gym daycare…bright and early.. brought their breakfast and sippy cups.. and took full advantage of my 2 hrs. You can do this if you WANT IT.. you can reprogram your mind to tell your body to do what it wants it to do.. you have the spirit to tap into if you choose it.. you can be healthy, fit and athletic if you really want it..

You have to organize your mind to organize your time..and to organize your life..

Sometimes you have to loose old friends to loose old habits.. because they will pull you back into those habits..but you will make new friends by joining a gym or fitness organization..

But remember.. the longest journey starts one step at a time.. a clean body starts one bite at a time..

For your body to be the temple it is meant to be.. treat it that way. Don’t wait for tomorrow start TODAY!

7 years later.. sweat; grunting, early mornings.. running. Don’t skip the cardio .. lifting things up and slamming them down.

7 years later.. no short cuts, no fancy diet.. just organic food, water, whey powder, going to bed early and working my ass off at the trail, track and gym

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