Posts Tagged ‘arts’

Art 4 Love

Over the last several years I realize many of my paintings have been inspired by love; or the lack of it. I did some of my paintings in an attempt to stop my ex husband from leaving me.. trying to cast a magic spell of love and understanding. Of course it didn’t work..by the time we were done renovating or building our new bedroom that I created the art for; I ending up sleeping alone in it. I slept alone totally heartbroken and suicidal, hoping and praying with all my might that it was his truck I heard pull up in the driveway.. of course it never was… I was so cold sleeping alone for the first time in 14 years.. my heart was totally broken..

Then as I went on to date, after being celibate for the first year…to give myself time to heal.. I met many men who played with my heart and emotions.. I didn’t sleep with all of them..( but I did paintings in memory of them..) I just trusted them to be honest, open and caring..but all of them were incredibly selfish..so incredibly self absorbed.. while I was pining over them they were traveling .. hanging out with their friends..seeing other women..getting laid.. living it up in their selfish worlds.. while I was feeling too much.. caring too much.. thinking too much..blaming myself too much..

The guy that I recently fell for and that I am still getting over..same thing..same as it ever was.. they come into my life and pick me apart.. because they are so perfect and untouchable..more like so selfish.. and silly me.. silly dumb me.. I give them room in my heart..I make magic out of bullshit.. I make princes out of bullshitters..

Of course I am stupid. I cannot believe how stupid I am..as I am crying on my pillow..my heart ripped wide open and bleeding like a silly fool.. me painting pretty pictures of love that doesn’t exist ..but in my own head ( making love out of nothing at all ) he is out with his friends.. my heart on the tip of his sword as trophy… just like the rest of them..basking in the glory of my foolishness.. so I guess he was right I am a victim .. for who else would leave their heart open for a good solid kicking..but a silly little victim..

 

I am a silly stupid girl..to be vulnerable..and open to those who wish to steal what they don’t deserve and that is my heart and affections..

When will I ever learn?

I am so lonely

 

I am so lonely because I am just not good with people; I am not good with people because I think to much. I am not good with people because I feel to deeply. You would think my curses could be blessings.. but it’s been out of balance. I am too different. People say ” Be unique ..shine ” But honestly people don’t like it when you do.. it makes people uncomfortable so when people are uncomfortable they get annoyed; when people get annoyed they lash out..and because I am very sensitive and I over think everything..I take it too hard I guess?

I have learned freedom is an ideal and that there is a price to pay for real freedom.. it means you will not be accepted; sometimes you will even be hated.

Artist are often not acceptable; unless they are creating works of art for mass market production.. like nice coffee table books, or singing already popular lyrics.. because people have already become comfortable with the ideal.

I don’t know.. maybe secretly I purposefully pushed people away from me.. writing the book that I have written; about women’s sexuality.. pissing people off using my own image in the photography.. taking apart religions?

But even if people don’t know me for my book.. maybe I give off ( Don’t touch me ) Don’t touch me because I don’t want you to hurt me. Don’t look at me that way… because it hurts me ” Wtf are you looking at?” ‘” Stop judging me with your glares and stares because I don’t look like you; move like you, think like you or talk like you” ” Just leave me the fuck alone if your going to be a fake asshole”

Of course I do the same thing to men.. I mean it’s not like I haven’t tried to let a few into my heart and bed.. but they lied and they hurt me… They say whatever you want to hear.. or they get insecure and the judge me.. because how dare I take such good care of myself.. it must be because I want lots of men..not just one good man. I must be a slut or fucked up somehow.. it’s like that.. I scare the good guys with my ambitions and attract the bad guys with my ambitions.. so now I don’t trust any of them.. the good guys say things to hurt be because they are being defensive and the bad guys tell me what I want to hear just to get laid.. so I am touch deprived.

It’s only human to want affection and attention.. it’s only human to want to be social and to socialize.. but I just don’t know how to do it. I can meet people and carry on conversations but I go too deep after a while.. I am too deep.. I am too much. I am too smart..and they say it most of the time like it’s a bad thing for a woman to be that smart.. for a woman to be intellectual and philosophical.. to be that into health and fitness.. I annoy people.. I make them uncomfortable..

But I get so lonely from time to time.. when my kids go to their dads..and I have time to realize how alone I am.. I see couples every where I go.. I see groups of people with tons of friends.. they are all so normal.. and they are happy that way..

I guess the only hope for me getting a man is to meet another weirdo like me.. another eccentric.. freaky, overly sensitive artist.. that needs to be alone sometimes.. and then needs love and affection sometimes..

Another gypsy perhaps..

Or maybe I am just being a delusional dreamer again.. that cannot spell..has horrible grammar.. who goes from highs and lows.. because artist are not too horribly stable sometimes..

Until then I will just keep myself from the desolation of horrible loneliness by writing and taking selfies. ( that will piss some people off I am sure )

Change Your Stars

 

There are always people who don’t want to see other’s dreams come true; especially the dreams of people that they think are beneath them. When people are born into privilege often times they lack in character and spirit.. so they hate to see someone with character and spirit come to access success or victory. They haven’t ever been hungry for it; they haven’t ever had to truly strive to make their mark or path, because it was already set before them. Often times they don’t really have a dream.. a real dream .. I dream that is a paradigm shifting, catalystic force. The privileged see fame as away to personally promote their own selfish means, rather than as tool to give birth to a message that brings wealth and success to all humanity.. so because they don’t have that drive, talent or even the ability to dream such a dream they will use their privilege to crush the magic before it ever reaches victory.

I am that dreamer. I am one of those; and maybe if your reading this.. if you searched up this topic; so are you.

We are the ones that come from the wrong side of the tracks; the ones born into poverty.. yet we still dare to change our stars.. dare to build our own worth.. to re-create ourselves into what we are told by the privileged we have no right to do.. But there are many who have succeeded us.. many paupers that became Kings.. many a maid that became Queen.. they are the ones that had heart..

It is that HEART..and that courage that those born to privilege will never understand.. it is what they are envious of.. It is that spirit that they wish to crush because they simply don’t walk within it themselves..and even though they walk on a gilded path.. they will never know the drive and the ambition of those that wish to change the stars they were born under..they will never understand true pride in the positive stance.. what it is like to be hit over and over again..but to keep getting up.. no matter what.

They are so jealous of the dreamers that think outside the box..that don’t color in the lines..that write their own music and the lyrics.. that dance to the beat of their own drum.. that pave and blaze their own trails..

The dreamers.. the rebels .. they think we are crazy, outcasts, weird and strange.. because our reality is a new reality.. we don’t live in their rules, we break them because they are stupid rules.. that tell us ” You will never be ready, don’t even try, you need to be certified and approved by the privileged few, before you can fly.”

But the dreamers, we don’t listen.. we take a huge leap of faith..and we build our wings while we fall..and we fail..and we fail..but by god we learn..

Some of us will not make it.. but what a beautiful, courageous story still.. making even failure into art.. but some of us.. will FLY

 

Madonna/Bill Maher and 50 shades of WTF?

 

I am going to write this like I am addressing Bill.. just explaining myself cause some people are a step behind ( slow )

I was thinking about ageism today too Bill.. before I watched your vid on your Facebook page about your take on it.. and it’s true ..age is just a number when it comes to wisdom, looks, talent and most abilities.. Lets take Madonna’s performance at the Grammys.. she was incredible. But guess what? Lots of conservative 50 shades of beige thinkers say she is too old to pull off sexy and sassy anymore. I have been reading jerk-offs comments on many media feeds and their ageism reigns supreme.. because according to said douchbags she is an “Old hag; without class, with a saggy ass that is an embarrassment to herself and the music industry.. ” So yes Bill your right.. our western culture is very much at the maturity level of high school.. promoting youth and stupidity over talent and progressive art.

Now lets look at 50 shades of What the fuck did I just read and why the fuck did they make that crap into a movie? Why the fuck is everyone reading and watching that shit? How the fuck does that shit get promoted? What is the fucking angle by the media machine?

I really tried hard to read the first book.. but as a smart, well read person that actually understands what the fuck I am reading; that has studied sexuality, intimacy, sociology and other heavy similar topics; it became clear I was reading a brainwashing tool for stupid people. The most frightening fact is that many young girls will sneak this book out of their mother’s night stand; like my daughter did without anyone explaining the sexual and social implications perverted in the book..and it’s not a good perversion either.. because it puts puritan and porn together…and that’s just fucking lovely.. the worshiping of virginity with the degradation of pornography.. a female character that hasn’t explored her own body at the age of 22, had a drink or figured out how to self care.. but needs a man to teach her about her body.. her sex, and tell her when to basically take a crap..and young girls are reading that crap and thinking it romantic.. looking at how sick society is.. we have a mature woman like Madonna expressing her sexual freedom with artistic talent being called down by the masses as a nasty old whore.. but I bet most of the loosers read 50 shades of ” I am fucked up” but cannot handle the empowerment of women taking charge of their own sexuality.. so yes Bill your right.. America is fucked up.. how fucked up are they?

The movie..50 shades of dysfunctional sex .. ( this makes me laugh at just how fucked up this is) was premiered on Valentines Day.. a day of LOVE not Obsessive LUST.. how about that? How fucked up is that? If it was honestly promoted and written by; say a psychologist .. it would have the title of ( The Co-dependent and the Narsissist; everything wrong in relationships today) I mean fucking seriously.. or ( Fucking is more important than love) or ( Train the bitch to love the word whore cause she is a slut anyway).. ( beat the bitch she has it coming ) ( your orgasm matters more than hers) ( Virgins need to be trained by your dick ) ( Fuck love just fuck) ( if she doesn’t listen cut her off) ( don’t love her just fuck her) ( she doesn’t have a brain anyway.. so why love her) etc.. etc.. etc..

I know you know this Bill.. that if we take a intelligent look at society..we can see we are pretty much doomed to another 100 years of this shit! As a society we make stupid movies and books like this famous that promote patriarchal thinking with the glorification of virginity ( youth ) with the love/hate of the whore.. it’s so fucking unhealthy.. we are a culture addicted to LUST.. we want fame and riches, we want the fucking rush all the time.. but we haven’t anything substantial like meaningful relationships because western culture is so fucking immature we cannot commit to anything long term or truly intimate.. so forget brains or talent..fuck that? That isn’t entertaining..bullshit and quick sex, fast money and hot young ass that isn’t anything but dumb young hot ass; that is were it’s at in America.. and then we go to the other extreme..because we are so fucking immature..so lets be all conservative and repressive and try to pass laws that ban yoga pants.. it’s so fucked up. We are so out of touch with our natural nature.. with our bodies, with true relationships.. ( I just did a face palm with both hands) Lust isn’t bad.. but it needs to be balanced with love..and it’s not that all relationships will end up being loving relationships.. just that the majority should to help promote a healthy society.. lust is the beginning stage of a relationship.. that can lead to love; but the way our society is functioning we are loosing love and compassion in many aspects in many different types of relationships.. even in the work place. We are loosing our humanity in our pursuit of mostly lust and lusty behaviors.

We cannot be intimate in our arts and culture cause we cannot be intimate in our society..isn’t that the bottom line? It’s like in seeing Madonna being a beautiful, talented older woman owning it !!! We fear it.. we fear the intimacy in ageing and ultimately facing death.. that is western culture.. we repress reality like a bunch of fucking kids spending the rent money to go get drunk and get high on a Friday night.. Imagine if people actually got off their asses and educated themselves and questioned the shit they read..the movies they watched.. TV.. the media fucking feed of dribble ..it’s all just fucking sugary lust ( sugary lust ) it doesn’t feed the soul or challenge the mind.. it’s just instant gratification… people wanna believe their Government’s got their back.. and it’s all about young ass crack.. and meanwhile life is passing them bye.. the good stuff.. like a good conversation..a deep book or poem.. someone who is emotionally healthy and will be there for them when things turn shitty..

No western culture wants the unhealthy highs and lows of the sugar rush..

Done my rant now Bill..

I wrote a book about this ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine)

May Madonna rock on ,,they can kiss her talented ass!

Madness, Madness, Madness

Madness, Madness, Madness

How I love thee, take me so deeply into the untamed seas,

Madness, Madness, Madness

Oh suffering so sweetly, completely engulf me in sultry,smokey sorrow like honey,

Madness,Madness, Madness

I give into you, I submit my will to you,I sink so deeply with the melancholy,

Madness, Madness, Madness

Oh tears fall like diamonds, tears like falling stars, oh how mysterious you are,

Madness, Madness, Madness

Blood red moon, oh how I swoon, black swan swimming on the rain soaked pond,

Madness, Madness, Madness

You bring to me what happiness cannot see; sorrow is so bitter sweet and heightens creativity,

Madness, Madness, Madness

In you all sensuality, sexuality, love and lust, romantic thrust in you, I trust in you,

Madness,

Madness,

Madness

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