When I wasn’t even fully awake this morning; my eyes not yet even open, the thought that came into my consciousness was ” No more assholes.” I was waking up in the country to open my drapes to see the snow covered mountains to the sound of the early morning train. I love the sound of the train at night and the coyotes. The coyotes sound so hauntingly beautiful and mysterious on the cold and snowy winter nights. I woke up to waking up; to a feeling of coming back to my senses or the center of myself. It was a peaceful yet a radical awakening as I realized I didn’t ever have to fight anyone for anything when I was living in the city of Kelowna. I realized I didn’t even have to move to Kelowna to create my book and I realized, I can and I will, create whatever the fuck I want, whenever I fucking want to. When I left the city I left them to their own devices and I realized upon awakening that I always should have. I should of never cared what they thought of me or how they labeled me to suit their own purposes and insecurities. There ignorance was theirs to own not for me to trouble myself with even addressing, towards giving them or their issues any of my time.
My soul feels nourished once more and I do feel whole once more and reborn into myself and my own internal power. It is like I walked back into a mirror to walk into myself. All the names that they called me and all the things that they would have me believe myself to be, have fallen away and they are with them in Kelowna.
Before I awoke to my thought of ” No more assholes.” I had a dream. In my dream I was in a hologram and I was erasing parts of the illusion until it was gone. I stepped out of the hologram and back into my own life.. and so it was that Kelowna, I was in a 6 year bad dream that I allowed to be real by accepting the illusions that others projected towards me. My dream was my subconscious becoming conscious and awakening me to myself while I awoke. It was a dream of everyday magic; and that my friends is true awareness.
I have a new attitude towards my life now, I have a new attitude towards others who question my life and me as a person ( You are not my problem and I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you about my choices or my life )
I don’t need to fight anyone to be heard. If you don’t want to hear me that is your choice and it’s my choice not to give a damn and my choice to move towards life and happiness and way from assholes.
I am not going to waste my life and that is my time here on this planet, attempting to be the asshole whisperer. I am going to walk towards the light and happiness and teach my children to do the same. I am going to spend my time and energy on people who respect me, love me and who want to hear my message. I am turning my attention towards love, hope and joy. I am being fully emotionally present with my children, as in the past asshole’s nasty energy took my energy and time away from my kids. Not anymore. I am turning my back on all those who don’t matter and giving my love and attention to those who do..including myself.
I know logically it will take another 100 years or so before women have the same sexual freedoms and rights as men. I have done my part for society and for the human race upon writing my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) available on Amazon.ca
So now I am going to let it ride on the hands of fate. I will keep writing, but I am not pushing and I am not fighting.. what is meant to be will be.. I am going to enjoy my life and peace.
The Photo Shoots
(From the book ~The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca
First off I am not a model; but that is the point. Through the sensual photography I am trying to show a softer side of sexuality; really if I had my way, I would do away with pornography for obvious reasons. I don’t see anything wrong with erotica because it usually benefits both the sexe’s sexual appetites; but porn shows women being degraded. To me erotica shows sex and romance; love and lust, something both sexes aspire to in the pursuit of love and lovemaking.
Anyway I am not what would be considered model material at all; I am 5ft tall, 120 pounds and I am 42. My body has conceived 7 times but I have given birth to three children; but this is the reality of being a woman; our age; weight, height don’t make us any less sexy; that is media hype to sell us youth and wieghtloss products that don’t work. Only healthy diet and exercise work. I am very healthy and fit; not skinny or fat, I have curves and real breast, and even my nails are real. The point in using me as the model is to bring back real beauty and health for women and no one else would do it!
I met Claire and Joan of Miss Sassy Pants Boudoir Photography in the summer of 2011; my ex had left me for another woman; I believe in my heart that the affair started while I was pregnant with our son. I needed a self-esteem boost; I had lost 40 pounds of baby weight, I was single again and I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. The photographs turned out beautifully. I used them on my blog to post (The Divine Feminine 1 through 6). I use them on my facebook as well.
I had the greatest Idea ever! I decided to write a book about the Goddess and as a very visual and artistic person, I knew in my heart that having Claire and Joan do the photography would make the book like sensual eye candy. It was hard to use myself; I know that there are some people that know me (especially family) who will think that I am conceited, crazy and glorifying myself through the book. Yes I had to use myself; I couldn’t afford to pay someone else and I couldn’t find no one who had the courage to do it. The message of the book is so important to me; that I decided to take the leap of faith and risk it all myself and I am risking it all. Everyone will know me as the woman who posed in this book, not just the author of the book but the model; everyone who looks at and reads this book will know my body in a lot of detail. This does take away from my privacy; I chose not to have any shots with frontal nudity below the waist as that is very private to me, I am saving that part of me for me and for the man I will love and who will love me.
As a mother; it made it harder to come to the decision to do it; but as a mother I had to do it. I want to show my young daughters and my son how wonderful women really are, how real and beautiful, how sensual and strong real women are. I want to bring back romance and love; true equal partnerships between men and women for all of us and our future generations. It will be very interesting for me when the book is published and my nudity is made public. I can only hope that most people will have the maturity to see the beauty and the art for what it is; I can only hope that I will not be judged as a bad mother and a tramp. I can only hope to spread hope; and a new kind of liberation for men and women. I can only hope to build upon the equality of the sexes through this work.
The funny thing is that Hugh Hefner and I have the same birthday; April 9th. Both of us working with sex; but I am different as I do not want or wish to use sexuality to build an empire on; I wish to set us free from the bondage of the extremes. I wish to show true sexual freedom; that is not to hurt the other sex or the self in sexual expression; I want to help build upon the sensual, erotic art form of making love, not just having sex.
The first photo shoot was outside at Bertram Park in Kelowna B.C; I wanted to get Okanagan Lake in the photos, I love where I live and being Canadian. I do want to travel and see where all the Goddesses originated from though.
It is a public park; it was secluded enough in March, that we could take the nude photos; but of course really cold, it was below 10 degrees when we took the shots. In the shots of me as Athena; you can see Kelowna’s floating bridge in the background; I just love it!
We worked fast; it was very cold, for 2 hours I was near naked most of the time, but we were so into our creative adventure I hardly noticed the cold, I just wanted the shots! The rocks on the beach were the worst though; they were so COLD and Sharp. Claire and Joan were amazed at my tenacity; when I set my mind to my work, it will happen.
Standing on the cliff as Athena was hard; I kept getting dizzy because I was looking up at the sky, it was giving me intense vertigo, and cars along the road could see me, they were slowing down to look, I kept having to cover my naked breast with my shield. It was kind of funny.
Lying on the ground as Mother Nature felt great; that spot on the ground was really quite warm and I love the smell of the earth warming up; that was my most relaxed shot; they were quite quick.
Artemis was my favorite; I loved the bow and arrow; I loved the costume and I loved who she was. With every Goddess I had to get into character; Claire helped me with Artemis she asked me to hunt and to stalk my prey, it really helped. I just love what she stands for; later after the shoot I had a dream of her, not of me as her but actually of her. In my dream she had light red hair and grey/green huge eyes. She had an infant strapped to one side of her back and her arrows on the other side; she was rapid firing her arrows at her pray. It meant that she would be successful as she left no room for failure. She made sure all of her arrows flew straight and true. This is the Goddess of the brave; the mother bear protecting her young. I just loved stepping into her character; I can only hope to emulate her through my life.
When we walked out of the park; we passed the park keeper, he was cutting and chipping trees that had fallen in a storm. He was close to my age; it’s funny he must of seen something cause he just kept looking at us like he couldn’t believe it! So funny!
The next photo shoots were Isis and the High Priestess; we did the Priestess first. These shoots were harder for me as the costumes and makeup were more elaborate; wearing wigs drives me nuts! But to make the Goddesses look different and authentic it had to be done. I don’t mind dressing up once in a while; but the more natural Goddesses were more my style. It’s comical that when I was doing the dancing shots my wig flew clean off my head! Claire reached her limit when the Runes fell between my butt cheeks; she drew the line at fishing them out! But The Priestess is one sexy Goddess; she was very cat like, very sleek and sexy.
I read the Runes later on after looking at the shot; this is what they meant: the first is the Rune of PROTECTION – I give myself protection through the awareness of my emotions; by having self control over my emotions and living in the moment. This is how to handle change and transition.
PAIN – some pain is necessary as the darkness teaches us about the light and the power of the self. We are initiated through pain to spiritual awareness. Keep faith and good temper to move through the pain of darkness into the light.
BREAK AWAY – break away from constricting beliefs. Experience the world of the archetypal mind.
PARTNERSHIP – Partnership with the Divine and personal relationships; gift of freedom from which flow other gifts.
I took this interpatation from “The Book of Runes” from Ralph H. Blum.
It has come true so far; the pain has manifested as people in my neighborhood that judge me for my blog and my work; the breakaway has shown up as me moving away, so that I have privacy from the judgment of people like this, once the book comes out it will get even worse because of my nudity. If they judge me now, well, I am sure it will get much worse.
I have yet to experience the last Rune of Partnership; I hope it is with the Divine and a relationship with someone special, kind and loving. That is long overdue!
While I was trying to stay in the character of Isis; Claire was joking around about my tits; it was so funny because Claire has and English accent, it was the way she said it I kept bursting out in laughter. You can see me smiling a tiny bit in the shot of me with the wings up in the air. That was because of Claire! Another thing that was really neat was that Joan and Claire decided on their own to put the blue misty effect in the Isis photos; they down loaded them to me at home that way; the interesting thing is that Claire and Joan had no idea that in mythology Isis is a star in the heavens. Claire and Joan added the effect by just following their creative instincts. I think that deep down in each woman’s soul, she understands the magic of the Goddess.
Isis was so regal; I did love stepping into the character of Isis; she is a Queen, she so royal. I can’t quite describe her. Isis is more of a Queen and more royalty then any earthly Queen could be. Isis is the star. I can’t believe how I would dream of every Goddess; they came to me in dreams in their true glory, mystery and magic. My dreams cannot be described in words; but I truly felt led in a spiritual sense. I felt the deep purity of the Divine Feminine; it truly has been a gift.
The white Goddess was the hardest; I really felt like a real bride does on her wedding day; I wanted everything to be just perfect. Not only did the flowers come on time but the Owner of Kelowna Rose and Garden, came early! The flowers were beautiful and to thank Joan and Claire I sent them home with a dozen roses each as we had three dozen and the little wedding bouquet. I didn’t feel pretty that day; I just didn’t so I had to get my head around it and get into the character of The White Goddess. The shots of the side of my body with the jewels were very hard for Joan and I; she had to get up on a step ladder and take the shot without looking into the camera; so we had to take many shots with me on my knees. It was tough and it hurt! The candle shot was hard too; we couldn’t get the light right. I forgot the matches and Claire searched the building for someone who would have a lighter, thank goodness she found one. The candle shot was the most important to me as it shows The Compassionate Heart. In mythology and in many ancient writings the bride is ready for the groom when she lights her lamp or candle. It shows purity of the heart. It was a painful shot as the hot wax dripped on my fingers over and over again until we got it right; but the bleeding heart, is a feeling heart, so that symbolism was worth the pain.
So by this time, it was really starting to feel like work; as a mother of three it took a lot of juggling and planning to get the costuming and the babysitting just right. I couldn’t of done the costuming without Calowna Costumes in Kelowna B.C.; this store I made up 90% of the costumes. They were great; I had to bring my kids with me to pick out and shop for the costumes; they were wonderful when it came to putting up with my 5 year old son running around the store like 5 year old boys do. They gave the kids free goody bags full of cool stuff one day.
The photo shoots have brought me memories that I will treasure for a lifetime; it was an adventure!
Over the last several years I realize many of my paintings have been inspired by love; or the lack of it. I did some of my paintings in an attempt to stop my ex husband from leaving me.. trying to cast a magic spell of love and understanding. Of course it didn’t work..by the time we were done renovating or building our new bedroom that I created the art for; I ending up sleeping alone in it. I slept alone totally heartbroken and suicidal, hoping and praying with all my might that it was his truck I heard pull up in the driveway.. of course it never was… I was so cold sleeping alone for the first time in 14 years.. my heart was totally broken..
Then as I went on to date, after being celibate for the first year…to give myself time to heal.. I met many men who played with my heart and emotions.. I didn’t sleep with all of them..( but I did paintings in memory of them..) I just trusted them to be honest, open and caring..but all of them were incredibly selfish..so incredibly self absorbed.. while I was pining over them they were traveling .. hanging out with their friends..seeing other women..getting laid.. living it up in their selfish worlds.. while I was feeling too much.. caring too much.. thinking too much..blaming myself too much..
The guy that I recently fell for and that I am still getting over..same thing..same as it ever was.. they come into my life and pick me apart.. because they are so perfect and untouchable..more like so selfish.. and silly me.. silly dumb me.. I give them room in my heart..I make magic out of bullshit.. I make princes out of bullshitters..
Of course I am stupid. I cannot believe how stupid I am..as I am crying on my pillow..my heart ripped wide open and bleeding like a silly fool.. me painting pretty pictures of love that doesn’t exist ..but in my own head ( making love out of nothing at all ) he is out with his friends.. my heart on the tip of his sword as trophy… just like the rest of them..basking in the glory of my foolishness.. so I guess he was right I am a victim .. for who else would leave their heart open for a good solid kicking..but a silly little victim..
I am a silly stupid girl..to be vulnerable..and open to those who wish to steal what they don’t deserve and that is my heart and affections..
When will I ever learn?
You can tell its a rainy stormy day because this is my second post today…
I am not a groupie fan.. even though I am a fan of some other artist and media personalities work. But I am too much of a free thinker and an artist myself, to follow someone with my head up my ass like many groupie type fans do. I don’t respect the groupie type fan because for the most part they are stupid; they live vicariously through their star of choice rather than just seeing them as a real and fallible person like the rest of us. It’s a big mistake; because the higher up you put someone and the higher up they allow themselves to be worshiped .. the harder the fall..for them and their fans.
I really have very little respect for celebs that turn their fans on to people who question their motives; I find it immature; irresponsible and cowardly.
I have come up against some celebs by questioning their motives or intentions.. to have them turn their fans onto me.. I guess it’s a lot easier than actually having to question themselves. I think the greatest fault is actually believing that your invincible or above humanity.. the universe always has away of giving a person like that sudden smack in the face.
I think the fans that question you hold the most valuable lessons for you..and that is why, when my followers question me.. I let them. It’s a very hard thing to do; because you have to weight the truth of the statement from other’s issues that they may or may not be projecting onto you… but listening and humility is the key to personal growth.
I don’t want to come off as a conceited jerk; or a shallow selfish person.. and so if anyone says to me that I am giving off that vibe I want to hear from them as to how and why. Many people have said to me ” Why don’t you block that jerk.” and I say ” Because it’s fascinating how people perceive me.. I could have something to learn here..but if they get down right abusive I will block them”
I never allow anyone to call down other people on my Facebook or on my other online profiles; I let them speak their truth and stand up for what they believe in.. but I don’t allow gay bashing, sexism or physical threats or if possible character bashing..because I am responsible for my profiles.
Of course I am not famous.. not by a long shot.. but if I was I wouldn’t have anything to hide..and I wouldn’t allow or use my fans to hide behind..
I think if your a celeb people have a right to question your motives; if you say you stand for something you damn well better stand for it.. or get off your high horse and off the red carpet.
Like Madonna says to her haters ” Bitch please your a fan.” and they are.. I feel that my haters..or what some people might call trolls; have taught me some very valuable lessons..
I think that questioning yourself; your integrity, your path, your message, your talents..and if your putting anything new or relevant out into the world is the key to true artistry ..
I am sure that’s just too fucking humble for some celebs.. but that is exactly what is going to keep them from breaking boundaries..from writing lyrics ..singing new songs or doing anything that will change society for the better.. if you keep your head up your popular ass and don’t listen to the public.. your just going to keep your same boring, plain Jane groupies.. sugar coating it for you.
But hey if that’s what you want.. keep it comfortable.
I am so lonely because I am just not good with people; I am not good with people because I think to much. I am not good with people because I feel to deeply. You would think my curses could be blessings.. but it’s been out of balance. I am too different. People say ” Be unique ..shine ” But honestly people don’t like it when you do.. it makes people uncomfortable so when people are uncomfortable they get annoyed; when people get annoyed they lash out..and because I am very sensitive and I over think everything..I take it too hard I guess?
I have learned freedom is an ideal and that there is a price to pay for real freedom.. it means you will not be accepted; sometimes you will even be hated.
Artist are often not acceptable; unless they are creating works of art for mass market production.. like nice coffee table books, or singing already popular lyrics.. because people have already become comfortable with the ideal.
I don’t know.. maybe secretly I purposefully pushed people away from me.. writing the book that I have written; about women’s sexuality.. pissing people off using my own image in the photography.. taking apart religions?
But even if people don’t know me for my book.. maybe I give off ( Don’t touch me ) Don’t touch me because I don’t want you to hurt me. Don’t look at me that way… because it hurts me ” Wtf are you looking at?” ‘” Stop judging me with your glares and stares because I don’t look like you; move like you, think like you or talk like you” ” Just leave me the fuck alone if your going to be a fake asshole”
Of course I do the same thing to men.. I mean it’s not like I haven’t tried to let a few into my heart and bed.. but they lied and they hurt me… They say whatever you want to hear.. or they get insecure and the judge me.. because how dare I take such good care of myself.. it must be because I want lots of men..not just one good man. I must be a slut or fucked up somehow.. it’s like that.. I scare the good guys with my ambitions and attract the bad guys with my ambitions.. so now I don’t trust any of them.. the good guys say things to hurt be because they are being defensive and the bad guys tell me what I want to hear just to get laid.. so I am touch deprived.
It’s only human to want affection and attention.. it’s only human to want to be social and to socialize.. but I just don’t know how to do it. I can meet people and carry on conversations but I go too deep after a while.. I am too deep.. I am too much. I am too smart..and they say it most of the time like it’s a bad thing for a woman to be that smart.. for a woman to be intellectual and philosophical.. to be that into health and fitness.. I annoy people.. I make them uncomfortable..
But I get so lonely from time to time.. when my kids go to their dads..and I have time to realize how alone I am.. I see couples every where I go.. I see groups of people with tons of friends.. they are all so normal.. and they are happy that way..
I guess the only hope for me getting a man is to meet another weirdo like me.. another eccentric.. freaky, overly sensitive artist.. that needs to be alone sometimes.. and then needs love and affection sometimes..
Another gypsy perhaps..
Or maybe I am just being a delusional dreamer again.. that cannot spell..has horrible grammar.. who goes from highs and lows.. because artist are not too horribly stable sometimes..
Until then I will just keep myself from the desolation of horrible loneliness by writing and taking selfies. ( that will piss some people off I am sure )
Because I am Canadian I was born free. In this post I am going to concentrate on all the wonderful things about being born a Canadian or being Canadian. I am very blessed that in this lifetime my stars brought me here, to this place and into this time. I believe we all originate as stardust and that we are the energy of the Universe concentrated into human life forms. I have a purpose in this lifetime and I have had a purpose in all my past lifetimes.. in this life time I was born a Canadian to practice the freedoms given to Canadians. I am an artist; and by being an artist it is my souls calling to help liberate humanity. I help to liberate other women by speaking out through my book, blog, and website.. through all my online profiles.. through all my creativity to help liberate other women in other countries that don’t have the freedoms of speech and artistic expression that I do as an artist living in Canada..and as a person or woman born onto Canadian soil.. and for that Canada.. I am eternally grateful for.
As a Canadian I feel my solidarity for my country deep within my soul; within the very fibers of my flesh..within every passionate beat of my heart… Canada I love you so much.. I love the land.. I love the majority of the peace-lovers of Canada.. I love the diversity within our country and the spirit of the Canadian people for wide open spaces.. for big sky.. big mountains..big lakes .. for the love of our fresh air experiences. The maples speak to me; they whisper of native lore and traditions ..of spirits that cannot be seen only felt and dreamed of. The sound of the rain on the spring maples.. the whisper of the leaves as they fall.. to the changing seasons of the romance and the brutality of Canadian winters… Canada you are in me..I love you.
I think it is the Canadian wilderness; that speaks of adventure.. it gives one the longing to be as the wind.. to be swept away by the rugged landscape.. to want to walk for miles and miles and miles.
Even when I was a little girl I would disappear into the land.. I would become one with the nature of Canada.. I would ride my horse bareback .. nothing but a backpack ..and just loose myself in the wind.. in the water of the lakes..in the reeds.. my horse and I would travel.. no destination .. no expectations, except to taken in by the sound of loons.. the sound of sweet sadness.. of lovers calling out while the crickets chirped their own melody.. and the frogs sang along.. the fish jumping.. making silver liquid ripples.. to dance an ancient dance.. my hair the color of wheat.. my horses mane entwined with my mane.. as I lay back on her back.. to smell her scent of sweet hay and oats, her warmth and strength and.. nothing but Canada.. because I am Canadian ..
And then I as rode back home my grandfather would meet me at the creek along the road.. he would be tickling trout ..and he would wave to me silently to dismount.. quietly I would wade in beside him.. and watch as the fish fell asleep in his hand as he stroked their underbellies in the sun kissed, pure water.. He would flip then out.. onto the banks ..it was my job to scramble and get them alive into the bucket, so we could take them home fresh for Nana to cook.. Then Gramps would play the spoons.. and in his Newfie accent he would demand ” Gracie give us a jig !” I would do my best..as he laughed and sang ” Barney Goggle.. with the gooo gooo googly eyes.. Barney Goggle with the goo gooo googly eyes.. now he is sleeping with his horse and his wife is suing for divorce.. Barney Goggle with the goo goo googly eyes! ”
He would talk about farming ..and the lighthouse he owned in his youth..and talk about his favorite horse and their adventures.. and my Nana would sass him.. and the loon’s sad melody would sing us all to sleep..and the wolves howled in reply so very bitter sweet…