Posts Tagged ‘a woman’s heart’

I am Strong But I am Tired

 

Being the bigger person is exhausting. Always having to relent over other people’s selfishness, lack of consciousness, greed, lies, meanness, manipulations and power-trips is absolutly exhausting. Being a nice person or a caring person, and emotional or empathetic person gets you taken advantage of. This is reality and the reality that I am living in. I am tired. I am so tired of being the first one and sometimes the only one to say sorry. I am tired of being the first one to say I love you. I am tired of doing favors and nice things for other people and not having the due respect being returned to me. I am tired of being the one to understand others and their problems to have others not bother to attempt to try to live in my shoes.  I am exhaused of people not giving me just common courtesy of respecting my privacy and personal space and then expecting me to respect theirs. I am exhaused from people power-tripping over the fact that I am a single mom without any family or man to protect me from their bullying and abuse of power over my unfortunate circumstances. I am tired of people returning kindness for cruelty and then blaming me when I get angry or for defending myself. I am totally exhausted for fighting for or defending my space in this world. Sometimes I feel so defeated and hopless that I get depressed and wonder why the hell I am even in this world, if I just can’t seem to move forward in it because other people cannot be kind and most of all; have some freaking manners!

I am exhausted from people posting about their personal virtues while not living up to them unless they can get socially recognition for being charitable and kind; because when no one is looking they have thrown me under a bus!

As a single woman and a single mother I am tired of weak men; I am tired of men comimg to me looking for me to save them and mother them, while I am saving and mothering three children against a cruel and ungiving world and battling my ex husband who would love to see me fail so that he can feel good about failing as a husband. I am tired of men coming to me who cannot finacially support themselves and who have no ambition towards making their own lives better. I am tired of cheaters and liers; I am tired of men bringing their unfinshed relationships towards me with their jealous ex girlfriends yipping at my heals ( I don’t want him ) I am tired of not being intimate with a man in 4 years because of all of the above stated reasons for being emotionally exhausted by lack of kindness and empathy in all of society and humanity.

I am emotionally drained of not having anyone to buffer the blows of this cold, cruel and selfish world; yet I see many married couples who are cruel and selfish to each other within the marriage and I suppose it is better than sleeping with the enemy as many of you are doing. It is better for me to be alone and tired than to be with someone and be lonely and used by them; and that is what makes me STRONG!

Yet I am tired of tring to hang on to the possiblity of the RIGHT ONE…. as the years have gone bye… 8 years of living on my own being a lone warrior for myself and my children. Keeping the home fires buring and the wolves at bay.

I am tired of being strong today.

But don’t you dare think that because I am writing this in this moment of emotional exhaustion that I will stay in this place of hoplessness.. because I will rise up again. I will cry.. and I did today.. I cried hard.. and I will cry some more today. I will pray. I will write this and maybe paint.. and then I will get on with life and hope the fates will hear this as my prayer and give me someone good and decent to love and that will love me in return..and the fates will bring me good people to share my life with..

And that is STRONG.. it is strong to admit I am only human and I need love too.

A New Life

 

It has been about a month now since I moved out of Kelowna. I know it’s very hard for nonspiritual people to understand this; but it was my guides or my Angels that guided me out of Kelowna. I was told by them under the full moon light, to go north. I was shown clearly in a vision and in dreams that north was home; I was shown that I was supposed to be close to nature so that I could heal from the pain of the many rejections that I experience in Kelowna. You know the spirit works in mysterious ways, very much like the 12th Lord or the 12th house in astrology. These mysterious spiritual ways are very Neptunian, dream like, like mists of figures that you see out of the corner of your eye, or when you hear your name called out just before waking.. and so they called to me to follow the north star home. I completed my spiritual purpose or mission in Kelowna. I created my book and I did all the things I had to do to set the hands on the clock of fate.. and such is divine timing..but they haven’t let me know much about that. Somethings like divine timing are mysteries to those of us in the flesh, and that is why we have faith. But I was told to lay it all in their hands and go into obscurity, to set my ego down and let go and let God. And so I have. I pulled these runes to let them tell you and me as to why I had to do what I did.. when I moved back into the country.. were you can leave your doors unlocked and walk around naked with your drapes open because there is nobody to see.

 

Ansuz ~ To be with the Divine and know the true nature of my own divinity, to give my children peace and a stable home.

Inguz ~ To find harmony and balance through better personal relationships with more grounded and centered people. To clear away old relationships to bring in people into my life who are real so that I can experience the wholeness of myself by being able to be my true self around them. By being able to be my true self without other’s inhibitions being placed on to me; I will come to wholeness and then meet a mate who will love me for my true self.

Sowelu ~ My life force returning by my regeneration of not giving my energy to others who refuse to see me or respect me for who I truly am. The retreat was a retreat of strength as I no longer will be present for others to drain me of my energy because they cannot find their own light within. Many mistake the light in others as a way to drain and feed their own egos with it; by my leaving such people or such a society I am now keeping my life force to myself. I will grow stronger as I become more and more of who I am by not allowing them my time or the space to ego feed off of my light or spirit. I will regenerate and heal my aura or light body. I will develop the art of doing without doing.

 

Kelowna or the city life was a rat race. Kelowna’s society was highly competitive without completion; in other words all their striving was for nothing but to say ” I am the most popular.”  If  I would of stayed in Kelowna I would of lost my freaking mind. I just couldn’t make sense of the fake business world that was not professional or the fake spiritual world that was based on trendy clothes, popularity, ass kissing and PURE EGO. My sensitive soul simply couldn’t tolerate it.

When I fell in love with a man named Matthew Cipes upon our first meeting it was just that, it was me seeing his soul and loving him unconditionally. I still do. But even though he is apart of the spiritual community he couldn’t trust me or that love. And I forgive him because it is uncondtional. But many in the spiritual community came at me to hurt me for daring to feel that way ,to tell him about it and to write about it. That is what is maddening about Kelowna and Kelowna society. I wasn’t considered good enough or pure enough or something not enough to dare feel love for someone who was considered to be way above me by societies standards or financial standards. He and they wanted me to feel ashamed for my feelings, he and they were so intentionally mean. But so many things about Kelowna are just awfully mean.

The thing is this; the refection of how I feel about him is a projection of the love that I have inside of me…and so doesn’t it make sense that the cruelty that they showed me is a reflection of how they feel about themselves or what is inside of them? I have absolutely nothing to gain here by saying that I loved him instantly upon laying eyes on him almost 2 years ago as I have left the city. I am sure I will never see him again. I have nothing to gain but to attempt to alchemize or transmute hate into to love.. but then I am not responsible for how others react or how they behave towards me; as that is their own perceptions to take responsibility for.

He or many in the spiritual community would say to me ” How did you attract this situation into your life.” it is a spiritualistic way of not taking responsibility for how they or he treated me. I didn’t attract other’s willful ignorance they are responsible for their own humanness or shortcomings. The point is I saw through the lens of love it was their bitterness that I allowed to eventually taint me.

But now I am free of that energy and I have cleared the way to let love, love through me once again and I will open up my heart wide again to let the light shine through me .. to let love find me as I find love once again in my new life.

Through a spiritual lens again; I have 6 major planets in my 1st house. This is the house of individuality or identity and that is what I played out in Kelowna. I found my identity and I used my identity as art or expression in my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine) I used my image in the photography and I used my own life story to express the story of womanhood. My north node is in Pisces and now 6 major planets are going into the house of the 12th Lord and this is about me loosing my identity or my ego to find my pureness or higher-self. According to my chart I will be reborn spiritually by the 3rd of January. My north node was my coming home to my guides or moving north on and in this earthly reality. It is a beautiful spiritual mystery as towards what will happen. But I know this I just have to let go, let God and flow.

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