My sister will not piss off.. she is such a relentless, hard ass bitch. She is so selfish and jealous and I think she is the one that needs drugs.

My ex did not pay the child support this month. I had to take my 5 year old little boy with me to Family Justice to get the proper authorities after his daddy, so that his daddy would pay for him and his sisters to have food, shelter and clothing.. it just makes me fricken watch my little son play blocks innocently while I scrabble because of his daddy.

How do I not hate his father???

Then the book has been delayed.. another 10 days.. the stress of that alone is killing me. I just want it out already.. it is all I have to look forward to.. it is my happiness and my spark!!!

Then the last guy .. Mr.B telling me I am a fatal attraction.. telling me I need to see a doctor..telling me that I could risk having my kids taken away from me if I write about him.. and I thought he cared about me..I slept with this man, who basically rejected me and it seems for the very book and work I live for.

Everything I write about I worry Mr.B has told me I have to worry about my online How am I supposed to be creative if people are constantly threatening me with having my kids taken from me.. like my own fucking sister.

I feel so bullied and used.

So many of these people in my head tonight.

Who the hell would not be stressed out if they were me.. just the book alone is enough stress.. but so many things.

I took a risk and looked for love; I was once again rejected for being me, but it was still ok for him to have sex with me.. I just don’t get this shit??

It is like he wants no one in the world to know he slept with the likes of me.. is that it?? Is it just his personal life or is it who I am that he is ashamed of???

I just don’t understand???

How can my ex do what he is doing???

How can my sister keep being such a bitch?? It is like she haunts the blog and as soon as she finds me writing about something that has hurt me she has to rub salt in it! GAWD SHE IS A BITCH!!

And then there is Mr. Ice at my gym.. he treats me like a freak because he is so frigid.. I want to go and work out tomorrow to run into.. we dated and I treated you like a dirty whore and didn’t touch you cause your pussy must be infected so now I am going to pretend like we never met.. WTF???

Has the world gone mad???

Why the fuck do these people call me crazy??? They are all fucking nuts!!

If you consider the stress that I am under.. the way that they have treated me and the way that I have treated them is quite awesome.

I am not perfect.. but I try so hard to be.. I try so hard to be even painfully honest with myself.

I want to know what my pure motivations are.. do I lie to myself?? I want to know if I do.. I don’t want to be like my ex and believe my own bullshit.

Thing is I am in a really dark place right now. I am treading water big time..

I just wish people could be kind.. why is that so hard?????