I was writing this email to someone that I dated.. it didn’t workout as usuall.. but this time for the first time in my life.. I know why.. as the old saying goes ” know thy self” and ” To thine own self be true.”.. I just figured out a big one!.. here is the email.

I figured it out! I figured everything out!

I want you to read this but I am writing it more for myself.

IT IS ALL MY FAULT!

IT REALLY IS!

I SABOTAGED EVERYTHING, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING!

Here is why.

I am afraid of love cause I don’t know what it is!

Since my father didn’t love me, I don’t know what healthy love is from a man.

Since I don’t know what it is I am afraid to experience it so I sabotage it!

I did it right when we first met. When you didn’t respond to me and I panicked and wrote you a nasty email.

I did it right there and then!

But it didn’t start with you. It started with my very, very first relationships with men. I chose men that I knew wouldn’t love me the way that was healthy and true because that would make me accountable to myself.

I HAVE GOT IT!

If I didn’t have to put all my attention on the drama and the crap of an unhealthy relationship then I could put that energy into me!

I could put that energy into being accountable and responsible for myself!

Oh My God.. you were right!

I have pushed love away from me.. you were not the one at fault at all it was me!

It has always been me!

The night that I met my ex.. he was going on and on about his ex girlfriend.. I felt the flags go up..but I went into a relationship with him..because it was all about the self sabotage… OMG.. I am my own worst enemy.. it is all my own fault.

With Adrian my neighbour.. I knew he was a shit..but I messed with him anyway.. cause I am afraid to be loved by a good man.. because that would make me accountable and I just didn’t know how to do it!

Same with Doug.. I suspected he wasn’t over his ex and that he was a jealous control freak..but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.. I was hiding from true love… I WAS, I WAS HIDING!

OMG.. it has been me the entire time.. me! I did it!

I HAVE HURT MYSELF… it wasn’t you hurting me or being hurtful.. it was me the entire time..

I have wrote myself into awareness… my deepest darkest secret..so deep I kept it from self!

I have been hiding from love.

Every time I write you.. I push you away and then I blame you..but it’s me.. it has always been me!

This is the KEY!… now I can set myself free.