I am Strong But I am Tired

 

Being the bigger person is exhausting. Always having to relent over other people’s selfishness, lack of consciousness, greed, lies, meanness, manipulations and power-trips is absolutly exhausting. Being a nice person or a caring person, and emotional or empathetic person gets you taken advantage of. This is reality and the reality that I am living in. I am tired. I am so tired of being the first one and sometimes the only one to say sorry. I am tired of being the first one to say I love you. I am tired of doing favors and nice things for other people and not having the due respect being returned to me. I am tired of being the one to understand others and their problems to have others not bother to attempt to try to live in my shoes.  I am exhaused of people not giving me just common courtesy of respecting my privacy and personal space and then expecting me to respect theirs. I am exhaused from people power-tripping over the fact that I am a single mom without any family or man to protect me from their bullying and abuse of power over my unfortunate circumstances. I am tired of people returning kindness for cruelty and then blaming me when I get angry or for defending myself. I am totally exhausted for fighting for or defending my space in this world. Sometimes I feel so defeated and hopless that I get depressed and wonder why the hell I am even in this world, if I just can’t seem to move forward in it because other people cannot be kind and most of all; have some freaking manners!

I am exhausted from people posting about their personal virtues while not living up to them unless they can get socially recognition for being charitable and kind; because when no one is looking they have thrown me under a bus!

As a single woman and a single mother I am tired of weak men; I am tired of men comimg to me looking for me to save them and mother them, while I am saving and mothering three children against a cruel and ungiving world and battling my ex husband who would love to see me fail so that he can feel good about failing as a husband. I am tired of men coming to me who cannot finacially support themselves and who have no ambition towards making their own lives better. I am tired of cheaters and liers; I am tired of men bringing their unfinshed relationships towards me with their jealous ex girlfriends yipping at my heals ( I don’t want him ) I am tired of not being intimate with a man in 4 years because of all of the above stated reasons for being emotionally exhausted by lack of kindness and empathy in all of society and humanity.

I am emotionally drained of not having anyone to buffer the blows of this cold, cruel and selfish world; yet I see many married couples who are cruel and selfish to each other within the marriage and I suppose it is better than sleeping with the enemy as many of you are doing. It is better for me to be alone and tired than to be with someone and be lonely and used by them; and that is what makes me STRONG!

Yet I am tired of tring to hang on to the possiblity of the RIGHT ONE…. as the years have gone bye… 8 years of living on my own being a lone warrior for myself and my children. Keeping the home fires buring and the wolves at bay.

I am tired of being strong today.

But don’t you dare think that because I am writing this in this moment of emotional exhaustion that I will stay in this place of hoplessness.. because I will rise up again. I will cry.. and I did today.. I cried hard.. and I will cry some more today. I will pray. I will write this and maybe paint.. and then I will get on with life and hope the fates will hear this as my prayer and give me someone good and decent to love and that will love me in return..and the fates will bring me good people to share my life with..

And that is STRONG.. it is strong to admit I am only human and I need love too.

Comments are closed.

Links