GRIEF Chapter 4

This is what I wrote after he just left me, when I was still very suicidal and vulnerable.

When I lost my mother to suicide I was 13; when my father told that she had actually succeeded this time I felt like someone had opened up a trap door underneath of me and that I would never stop feeling like I was falling. As my life continued I experienced her loss over and over again with each momentous moment in my life. Like my wedding day, the birth of my three children, and the death of my Sister Sharon. When my unborn baby died as 4 1/2 months gestation inside of my body I needed my mother more than words can say, I longed for her and I grieved for her again. When Sharon died I grieved for my mother again too.

Today I packed up my husbands clothes for him; I did it when the kids were with him; I didn’t want them to see me taking daddy’s clothes out of the house. I cried like a small child lost in the grocery store, I wanted my mommy so bad, I wanted her to help me watch the children while I grieved their father’s leaving and the potential that he may truly not love me anymore, that he may never come home again. I wept like life it’s self was over and as if not another day would come after this one; my tears sounded rude and vulgar as they burst out of me in complete and utter lack or control or care. I love him, I am so sorry, please, please come back and love me like I need you to.

It is hard to breath, it is hard to sleep, I can’t eat and I can’t think. the pain is physical, spiritual, mental and emotional; it comsumes my entire being; this is what grief looks and feels like. Every day is a challenge to say the least, sometimes it is just pure torture in just existing. When you are here like I am and have been in the past this is what it is; SUFFOCATING!

Here is the part that I wrote before he left and I had experienced the loss of four miscarrages and my sister Sharon.

This is what grief looks like technically; grief is the expression fo loss; the loss of a loved one, the loss of health, the loss of marriage, of friendship or the loss of a job. this grief is a sign of emotional upheaval and the need for emotional healing. Grief is telling us that we need to stop and take the time needed for reflection and feeling; messy as feelings can be to some; it is by feeling that we find our way through grief.

It seems that in today’s society grieving has all but been ignored, it is as if by ignoring grief we seem to think the need for facing death and loss will magically go away. In our superficial pursuits we have lost our respect for the grieving and for grief itself. In days gone-by the grieving showed thier grief by wearing black and by hanging a black cloth in the window of their home. It was when they shed signs of grief that thier community knew they could return to everyday living. Today black is only worn at funerals and then the grief stricken are expected to get on as usual. What has happened to the respect and empathy of the past? Maybe we have become too selfish to uphold our grieving friends, family and nieghbor and we have become to insecure in admitting our own grief? It is by grieving that we are allowing ourselves to let go of what was and live with what is. Our loved one once lived but is no longer. the marriage once was but we are now divorced. I once was healthy but now I am not. By grieving we are moving forward into the present moment.

Grief is the common denominator in the human existance. to live will be to have lost. When we are faced with grief it comes as a devastating blow that is usually met with shock and rejection of the event. We feel great resistance and disbelief at the huge life changing event that has been forced upon us. We will tell ourselves that it can not possibly be true, that this can not happen to us, because the shock is so great we may find ourselves unable to cry or even begin to know how to grasp the concept of what has happened. It feels as if we are living someone else’s life and everything moves in slow-motion yet we can not top it from happening. This shock is a defense mechanism that helps us from becoming completely undone; because to absorb all of this sorrow at once would be too much for the heart and mind to bare.