Since the start of puberty.. one feeling that hasn’t entirely left me is that I never feel quite good enough.
It seems as women we are constantly scrutinized over.. over every visual detail.
When I was younger.. I had freckles and chubby cheeks .. I was told I was cute but not considered to be really pretty like some of the girls.. I was a tomboy and that was OK but not as OK as being the cheerleader type.. I was not that type.. not quite good enough.
As I grew into a woman I was told I was pretty in different way but my waist was a little to thick and my boobs were a too big and I was to short to ever be considered a model..and I had a bit of an over bite and it was cute..some guy might like it…but not good enough to be considered to be as beautiful as a model..
It continued into College.. I was different..I was too smart.. most men would be put off by that so I should try to be softer inside and out.. not so blunt and demanding so that I could get a husband.. It took me awhile too.. my grandmother was concerned that I wasn’t quite good enough ..
And then I wasn’t good enough to keep my husband.. I was too smart.. too driven.. I didn’t feed his ego enough by playing myself down to help him feel more like a man.. he had an affair as I worked on my writing and my art.. I didn’t make him the center of my life.. like his mistress did.. according to many people .. I wasn’t a good wife.. I wasn’t quite good enough..
Now as I try to network and promote my book.. I am too blunt.. I am not kind enough.. I am unacceptable and inappropriate if I speak out about being left out.. I am not socially connected enough.. I am not wealthy enough.. and if I had a husband I would be seen as a good enough woman.. but without one there must be something wrong with me.. I am not good enough on my own..
Attempting to date I found out again I am not enough.. they want a simple woman who will not make their life complicated.. they want a hot woman without flaws.. I am too flawed.. I am to difficult and complicated.. once again to smart and willful .. just not quite good enough..
Standing naked in front of the mirror looking at my C-section scar.. my stretch marks.. my ageing skin.. all my faults that fashion magazines tell me I must get rid of.. my real breast.. my real nails and my real hair should be replaced by implants and hair extensions and fake nails.. It seems no matter how much I work out.. and I love my body there is a little voice ..sometimes a very loud voice telling me.. ” your not ever going to be good enough for him” ” Your not ever going to be good enough for them ( the world)”
I know many other women feel this way..and it is a shame that many other women do things to other women to make them feel this way..
So I just decided I am not going to compete for male attention..I haven’t for awhile now.. why bother your not ever going to be good enough anyway..
Or so the world thinks and wants all women to think ” your not enough”
I am just going to go to the gym without my make up on and I am doing it for me..
I have had enough..