Despondent means deeply depressed, filled with despair, despairing, miserable, downhearted, inconsolable, melancholy,forlorn,sorrowful,disheartened,glum,bummed out, heartbroken, down in the dumps,suicidal.

The suicidal part..well I am not going to take my own life but I sure don’t want to be living this life..I wish I had the guts sometimes.

The top reason I am feeling so hopeless is that I have discovered that I can not love again.. not like I did before. It isn’t that I am in love with my ex-husband anymore but rather what happened to me when he betrayed me. I became very suicidal.. I truly had to fight to live for months. To see what he did to our children as witness such intense selfishness was just to much for my soul.. I can not trust a man again. I can not have nor can I let myself be vulnerable in love again..because I don’t know how to love without giving myself to love completely..and because of losing my very will to have had such torture go on inside of me.. invisible as it was to others.. it was a pain like I would never wish to inflict on others. Of course upon reading this.. if anyone does they simply will not understand.. only those that have been in this state will get it at all..for it is like childbirth.. until you are there.. you will never know this pain.

I am not posting this on facebook.. people judge so harshly..I have had such a hard time with men on facebook.. sending me private messages telling me that I will never become anything..that I have not done anything with my life.. I have men on facebook..( saying they are joking) calling me a crazy bitch. I have had men on facebook hound me for sex.. wanting to have me as a trophy.. just to say they ( tapped that bitch)..I have men tell me they love me but they do not mean one word of it.. it makes me hopeless and yes despondent…this has all been in the last couple of weeks.

I am also very forlorn about my book.. it seems it is just to different and just to much.. I was invited to a Goddess Party… I read out of my book only to be shhhhosshed..because some found it offensive. I wanted to leave the party.. right then and their but.. my pride wouldn’t let me. I just wanted to cry..but I stayed and put on a concrete face..and listened while other’s read their full piece from beginning to end..and they sang..nice songs and said nice things..but mine was to raw.

I cried the entire next day.. it was hard to get out of bed as I was shamed..and I thought to myself ” I will never has not happened yet and it never will” I felt total despair.

I have been so concerned with the world Governments as well..watching it seems world war 3 starting to take form..seeing images and video of dead and dying children..watching human rights violations in the name of what some feel is right.. and I felt shear panic.. I felt miserable and stressed to the max.

At this time.. My car went into the shop and being alone in the world with no family for help.. I felt more panic.. I started to get numbness and headaches and pains.. my entire body went tense..everything hurt.. my kids got sick and needed me..the car was stalling in intersections.. I couldn’t get a strait answer from the dealership..and the mechanics were playing me with prices and parts.. I was a victim.. I was and it had nothing to do with me giving them my power.. how can I be everything and a mechanic?? How can I do everything? How can I raise three kids on my own… how can I fix a car..let alone fix the entire world??

I thought maybe I can help some families..maybe if I do something for others it will help me feel better.. I mean that is what they say help others to help yourself..and so I thought with my local Arts Council..we will get a food drive together.. I talked to the representative and she thought it was a great idea.. one she had been thinking of doing but she didn’t have the time..the food bank thought it was a wonderful idea and we threw ideas around over the phone and I thought to myself ” Finally some hope!” but first it had to be put to the Art’s Council’s Board.. and when I got the email.. it was a NO.

Why had it gone from being such a great idea to a NO? I was willing to do all the work and willing to give them all the promotional credit.. all I could gather is that it was because of me..because my website and book are just to fringe.. I am a risk to their reputation.. just like I was at the Goddess Party.. I offend people I am offensive..and so this leads to even greater misery for confidence is gone.

I am so heartbroken..

I see on my facebook that many think they are ascending..those who are intensely spiritual.. they think they have all the answers I guess?

I don’t think anyone is ascending..not until you can admit you know nothing..that you are nothing better than those around you..that you are just as responsible to some degree or another that you made this mess right along with the rest of us all.

They say the have looked into the face of darkness..really have they looked in the mirror?

Other’s like to feel they are intellectually superior..really? Have we not believed in our bullshit long enough..have we not learned that having to be right above others makes us nothing but very wrong?

maybe I am wrong for ever trying.. maybe I should just accept the fact that we are going to blow ourselves to high heaven with atomic bombs.. because we just can’t get down to reality..we don’t want to hear reality..we don’t want to live reality..and love is is the only reality..

But I can’t what the fuck do I know

I can’t love because

People hurt people

Even if it is just by turning the other check in the ascending business.. why bother to fix the world if your ascending out of this reality..but is that love because love is reality so how do you ascend out of it?????

Or people hurt people by killing children and innocent families in the name of religion and war..

So people…were is the love??

I can’t love this.