Dignity

 

 

 

 

 

One commonality through my dating experiences this summer was control. Looking at the word <CONTROL> means to command, rule over, run, DOMINATE, call the shots, DICTATE *be in the drivers seat**rule with an iron hand* MANIPULATE.

This pinpoints every date.

The first this summer with a guy off match.com whom I invited into my house to see the pictures and some writing from my book by emails that my publisher sent back to me. The game of control started with making me feel shamed or dirty for my book and work. Then it started at the gym were he chose to ignore some times and say hello when it suited him.. I tried to be reasonable by emailing him asking him what was going on but it didn’t work.. I regained my dignity by telling him not to bother me at all. No games no problems..keep it simple please. By his hot and cold interactions with me he was controlling my mood and feelings..it was a control game.

Then my next experience with Mr.B.. basically he made me his escort. He had viewed my website and liked what he saw..invited me over knowing in advance that he had no intentions of making me his girlfriend. He ordered up a side of Gracie.. he fed me bullshit about looking for the “ONE” and wanting a relationship knowing that I wouldn’t sleep with him; without that intention. He was manipulating and lying. He planned to feast on me and the nice dinner, and the wine that he had set out for himself. It was very underhanded and undignified of him. He then confused me by email and by text messages manipulating me into thinking that on second thought we could start a relationship..he asked me to send him sexy pictures by text on this precedence ..but of course he only wanted to further manipulate me as to strip me of even more of my diginity.. I regained my dignity by posting his emails on this blog to scare the shit out of him.

Just this last weekend I have had a hell of a time with men..first a man that I had dated back in the spring wanted to have a second chance at me. I had ended things with him on a very angry note as he had stood me up on my birthday. He manipulated me into believing that it was all just a miss-understanding and so I gave him another chance to come to my place. I shopped for and prepared a fancy cheese, chocolate and fruit platter..and he was to bring the wine. When he was supposed to show up he emailed me saying something had come up and he was going to be 2 hours late! My response was simply NO. He then tried to tell me how wrong I was..but I suspected he had simply put me on ICE just for the sake of control and having the upper hand. He has money, and he has told me how he treats his ex girlfriends..offering them a tiny bit of hope.. having them fight over him..and the promise of him settling down with one of them with his money. I just told him.. “you just want to fuck me” ” I am not falling for this crap of chasing after you.. if you want to fuck me then just get over here and do it..stop playing bullshit head games.” but of course he didn’t after I called the game out because the game and the manipulation is the turn on. He loves the fact that he can dictate to a woman or women and have them jump through hoops.. he loves being the puppet master..if I see through it there isn’t the power rush for him…so that was Friday night.

Saturday night I went out to run into a guy that I know has the sweetest loving girlfriend..he is all over her in the clubs when I see them out together and she is all over him..they seemed in love..but as soon as he isn’t with her..he is all over me asking me to go home with him..( fucking jerk).. Like want the upper hand much?

Than another married guy.. yes he wants to go home with me.. yes he has fooled around on his wife before..no he doesn’t want to talk about it or his kids.. I tell him” I have gold body glitter all over me” ..and I ask him ” How will you explain that to your wife..it will get all over you too?” He simply says ” I just say the guys and I went to watch strippers.”.. WOW! I am thinking the wife knows and she has decided to turn a blind eye..but I am also thinking “GET A DIVORCE” ” why live a double lie..why live 2 lives?”

At the club I was giving some people my business cards that have the link to this website..some guys asked me if it was a card for an escort service..and it gave me a brilliant idea for this one guy that was a jerk to me.. He was also off of match.com and he had told me he didn’t want to sleep with me at first only be my friend..then on the second date he did want to sleep with me but he didn’t want a relationship with me… he just wanted to have sex with me until he met the woman he was going to marry. Of course my answer was “NO”..I can’t just sleep with someone over and over again with out developing feelings for them and he would just be using me. So the guy who said he was my friend told me he didn’t want any contact with me at all and he stopped text messaging me.. I regained my dignity this way..

I emailed him off of match.com and asked him if he was still interested in fucking me..and that we just had to reach an agreement first.. He asked me to come over to his place to talk about it.

Entertaining the idea of the escort service in my head and just to see what would happen if I turned the game of control onto equal footing I told him that if he wanted to just fuck me..and not offer me any true intimacy, or any sort of future together that he had to make it worth my while to pay me for sleeping with him..after all my time is worth something I am worth something.. I am worthy of being given something back in return for my services and care to him.. but guess what..he had no trouble with the thought or trying to take the action of cumming in my face..and demanding that he should..but he said that he ” couldn’t let me demean myself by taking his money for sex”

Total dictation and control

Needless to say.. I left his apartment before he knew I was really leaving

I have learned something about sex this summer.. it seems through different men from all different cultures and ages.. control and domination of a woman is central to their sexual arousal.

It seems that attempting to take away a woman’s dignity and pride is a power rush..but I feel it takes away from their integrity and their own dignity it is undignified to lie, cheat, shame and manipulate others for external control..

I hope..and all I have is hope.. I hope to meet a real man one day.

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