Chapter 3 continued

I went to hairdressing school and then to computer college, I started to explore my writing and my artwork and recieved a student of the month award. My self-esteem started to rise as I moved away from his world of partying and drinking; I was growning up and into a stronger person. I left him cold turkey; he didn’t know were I went or who I was with and it was only when I was gone for 6 months that I called him to tell him why I left in the way I did. You probably can guess as to why? I wanted to have enough distance so that he couldn’t talk me in to coming back.

I met my husband 2 years after this relationship, it was like love at first sight for me, I saw him across a crowded dance floor and I was drawn to him. At first I spoke to his friend and much to his friends dismay I asked be introduced to him. We danced, he sure couldn’t dance, he danced like a chicken, yet he was just so damn cute, even if he was to skinny.

We had some troble with his ex girlfriend not leaving him alone but it was just so beautiful in the beginning, it wasn’t perfect he was very stubborn and I have a temper, he had trouble with me expressing my anger right fro the beginning of our relationship. We had fun though, we loved the outdoors and gardening, we loved animals and home life and we liked being active and being around people. We liked being together and enjoyed each others company.

Then came the big wedding day and it was difficult for me as my sisters were being difficult. I think a big wedding was overwhelming for them, but it still turned out to be wonderful. Then our first child, and then I was home watching the baby and my husband was working. There was a girl on his crew and it seemed to me he enjoyed her company just as much as he used to enjoy mine when we worked together. I would listen to them outside in the morning flirting with each other, she bought a hat to match his and then she bought him a coffee mug to match hers. I was very hurt and with post partum depressin I became suicidal, thinking in my foggy depressive state that maybe he and this other woman could raise the baby without me. In the evenings after work my husband and his brother would rave together about how great she was. He says that he hadn’t any intention of hurting me in this way and that she was only a friend, yet my abandonment issues have corrupted my perspective on this. I thought because I gained 50 pounds in my pregnancy that he was trying to teach me a lesson on how he wanted me to look again by having her around.

Then came the loss fo the baby, I had already lost 2 pregnancies earlyon. then at 4 1/2 months along I started to bleed. My husband had never seen such grief and I had never known such anger; I was so ANGRY at God! How could God do this to me!!! what the hell, hadn’t God taken enough away from me!!! I wa filled with rage, RAGE!!! My husband ran away to work, and he avoided me. Then he asked me when I was going to stop grieving, tht it wa affecting him and girls and that it just wasn’t fair that everyone should have to suffer with me. As far as he was concerned it wasn’t really a baby anyway, we didn’t need a service andit didn’t need to be cremated or named. He was trying to logically talk me out of my emotins; he just didnt get it, as he had never had experienced grief like it. what did I feel when he did this? ABANDONMENT!!! the abandonment that was fueled by fear turned int anger that was evenmore directed at my husband.

Then finally we had our beautiful baby boy and all would have gotten better if I hadn’t been struck down with more post partum depression. I had suspected that he was having an emotional or out right physical affair with a woman on our mow crew; but with the other miscarrages and the post partum I couldn’t adress it. My husband hit the work trail even harder this time and he also had an addition tht he was building on to he house, it was he perfect reason to aviod me and my depression. Then my sister did and then my health faultered and then he started to really pull away from me. He resented me for nagging and controlling him and I resented him for not wanting to be around me and for ignoring me.