When I fall in love.. I fall hard.. it scares me because I want to trust him completely. When I fall in love I am loyal to a fault. I will fight for him, I will let no one hurt him. When I fall in love, I love him; not his money, not his social status, not his things, his friends or his family.. When he falls I want to be the one to pick him up. I want to nurture him.. heal him .. I want to be the one he vents all of his fears and frustrations to..and then I will be the one to keep every one of his secrets.. I want him to know I am safe for him to be who he really is.. I will be his best friend.
The world is so broken to think it is all just about sex and money.. when it is the heart to heart connection that I crave ( it is why I am still alone.. I have not found a man brave enough to let me into his heart ) I have not found a man that can love with the vulnerability that I can.. I have not met my partner.
What I fear the most about love is simply that the world has forgotten about love. The world has made sex so dirty. The relationships between men and women so empty..
I fear being in a relationship just for money.. I fear the control and the coldness..the lack of self respect leading to no respect in a relationship based on finances and sex.. I fear being with the broken down cold hearted majority.. I can not live that way.. I would rather be alone.
The thought to being alone for the rest of my life also scares me..because the ghost of the man I long for would follow me..but like a dream..fade in the light of day.. leaving me longing for what might of been.. this also makes me sad.
But after years of being married to an empty man I can not allow coldness back in..as my heart is finally warming.. filled with passion and life again.
I would rather be alone and dream of the man that would make me feel loved and safe again.. I would rather struggle on my own with lack of money and the finer things.. then let someone else’s ice settle around my heart again..
I would rather be alone and dream of my dream of him than settle for anything less than true love again.
My girlfriend and I have the most honest and amazing talks about sex.. this time we were trying to figure out what went wrong with our ex husbands..and of course it boiled down to the fact that we were poorly sexually matched with our exes.. anyone who tells you that sex is not a foundation of a relationship is deluded..
My friend married her ex because he offered her stability and safety.. even though she knew that she was not turned on my him..
It was the same for me too.. He turned me on but his sex drive wasn’t as high and he had no sense of adventure in the bedroom.. our energy was not compatible ..but he wanted to get married and have children.. and so I thought I could suck it up..
My girlfriend told me stories of her weeping in to her pillow as he made love to her..
My story was similar .. I would dress up as a french maid to meet him at the front door as he walked in..to be told he was not in the mood and that dressing up and role playing didn’t do anything for him.. I too would end up weeping in my pillow ..alone
It seemed I couldn’t initiate sex without being told by him there was something wrong with me.. but I was hot and young..fit and beautiful.. I only wanted to explore him.. I know now that we were not a FIT.. at all..but how it hurt to be shamed for being sexually healthy.
My friend entered into an affair.. but even in the affair she found that she was being manipulated by a man that needed to have control over the sex..he had to initiate or nothing.. it had to be on his terms..and so we nick-named him Broke-back-Dick..because sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn’t ..what the hell..?
My friend stated ” I just want to find a decent guy that turns me on that wants to have sex every fucking day.. even every second day.”
I said ” I know! I wish I could find a guy that would go all marathon sex on me once in while..I mean a day of sex.. why does it seem like guys talk about being all ready for this shit but you can’t find a guy that is?”
My Friend ” We should just go all COUGAR.. I mean fucking hell.. those young guys fricken crawl all over us..and they are hard everywhere!”
Then we started on the fantasies.. fantasy #1
The Job Interview..
He says ” show me how bad do you want this job” and you show him!
Or you could flip this fantasy around.. You could be the interviewer and he could show you how badly he wants the job..
Fantasy # 2
Sex in public on a pool table.. we both agreed this one is hot!
Fantasy # 3
Being the cougar and and doing some S&M on a young hot boy/man
Or you could flip that one around too..
Fantasy # 4
The cop.. enough said!
Anyway you get the picture..we have both been so deprived of hot sex.. love and affection we are starting to doubt the existence of it..
Then we both agreed I should sell sex toys ;)
Before there was Christianity the first holy couple were Isis and Osiris.. and their son Horus.. many of the mythical ways in which this holy family came into being are expressed in the Christian story of the Holy Family.. and isn’t amazing that the Jewish people were the slaves of the Egyptians and their savior’s story expressed in the biblical old testament are almost exactly the same?
Before I go into the birth and life of Jesus I would like to explain to you through a history lesson how the bible was constructed.. it was in 325 AD that the Council of Nicaea was held by the Roman Emperor Constantine.. you see the Roman Empire was in dire straits due to the fact that everyone was fighting over the sake of religion.. Pagans and the Christians and all the other sects could not get along.. this was causing Constantine much grief.. I mean who do you kill and punish when there are so many to kill and punish to get control..and of course the first order of any empire is to support it`s self off the surf.. it`s really hard to collect taxes when people are fighting and not working to create a taxable income..and so it was that they decided the majority of people in Rome were following Christianity so lets make it a legal religion so we can get some control here and make some money to buy more gold and create more trade..
They left some Paganism in to help smooth things over.. like holidays sounding similar and practicing some of the same traditions on those holidays..and so it is that we do this today..we are both pagan and christian in our western society..when most call themselves and think of themselves as only being christian..
They added the virgin birth..and paying out of purgatory to create and functional guilt machine..that produced lots of money!.. They made the society a patriarchal society..taking women out of spiritual roles..and there by giving men all of the power..by making the Mother of God a virgin they induced shame towards women`s sexuality to further the control over the weaker sex.. shame and guilt were and still are the big humdingers that keep people in check..and keep them PAYING INTO THE CHURCH..
Even the bible it`s self was created in that many Gospels were kept out of the bible..many of them feminine books that included female prophets, the words at the end of the bible..saying that nothing more can be added or taken away or this would be seen as blasphemy ..was indeed away of putting owner ship on GOD..and making sure that no one would dare defy the power`s that be..and of course a MAN the POPE had the final say as to how the world at large could and would hear and understand GOD..and so it was we were taught intense separation and the ego took hold of the world..and the TEMPLE OF THE EGO .. ORGANIZED Religion.. they thought they had all the books..but later on in the 1800s what is known as the Gnostic Gospels survived through the passages of time The Gnostics predated Christianity..the Gospels of Mary of Magdalene, Thomas.. The Gospel of Truth, of Philip and even Judas..but of course these were not seen as biblical by the ROMAN Catholic church.. or the CHURCH as a whole..because Mary Of Magdalene can be understood as The True bride of Christ.. Imagine sex in the holy family.. there would be no SHAME AND NO CONTROL OF THE MASSES..
If we look at the story of Jesus`s mother Mary in a realistic way..we could easily see that at the time in history she was probably raped by a Roman Soldier..to save her from being stoned to death Joesph stepped up and married her.. I really do not think they even had to tell anyone that she was a virgin carrying the son of God.. but they may of had to if word got out by rumor to save her life…even to this day in the middle east women are still stoned to death for this reason.. ( have we evolved people) I do not think so..we are still shaming women and holding them accountable for rape even in what we consider civilized society.. we say did she deserve it..was she drunk..how was she dressed.. slut. This is what the virgin birth has done to society.
Jesus was a man that was a savior; if not just by the way he lived and that he saw through the ego.. this is the understanding of the ( Christ Consciousness) He wanted to TEAR THE TEMPLE DOWN..the EGO.. the was sent to cleanse the TEMPLE and he taught the TEMPLE WAS WITHIN.. he taught us that we are directly connected to God or the HIGHERMIND..and He was in direct connection to the HIGHERMIND or GOD..He had a wife.. Mary of Magdaline..that the CHURCH made into a whore to shame women..but their story was a love story..she washed his feet with her hair and tears..telling him that he was her lord that she loved him above all others.. when he told her to go and sin no more.. he was saying..be with no other but me..and of course this is what she wanted..no other but her beloved lord.. his friends were a jealous ..as they knew he wouldn`t come fishing as often..he would and did favor her above all others.. he would of shared more meals with the woman he loved..and in the Gnostic Gospels..her Gospel you can read that she was his equal in being a prophet and knowing the GODHEAD or HIGHERMIND..and this is why they belonged together.. when they murdered him for being a rebel against the organised Jewish religion the Pharisees ..she dressed his body with his mother.. only a wife and a woman in deep love would..and she was the one asleep at the entrance to his tomb..when she saw that his body was not there she wept at the thought of them taking her beloved`s body away..it was she who spoke to the Angel that told her not to cry as he was risen.. it was she whom he came to first in spirit..and it was she he told not to touch him..not because she was dirty but because he was not of the world anymore..he was pure spirit..but she was his beloved and this is why he came to her..and he left for her the work of the spirit.. to make the world as one.. This was their love story.. hidden in shame.. hidden away the key to all of this ego density that we all suffer in..the hell that we have made for the sake of greed and control.
Jesus and Mary were humble.. the lived simply and the lived for LOVE.. we are told through them that the temple is within..that we are all one in the same..bother`s and sister`s in the Christ Consciousness.. we are the same as them..the key has been in true equality and the purity of letting go of greed and control..
The key is knowing that the Royal Couple has existed throughout time..that sex is sacred in the TEMPLE OF LOVE
She is the Goddess he is the God in every man and women.. it is time humanity that we evolve and grow up.. you see this Royal Couple exists in every spiritual understanding through out the ages.. we just hid them behind shame.. Every man and women in deep love..they are this couple.
It is time to turn to love again to be saved..
To Pasteurize sexuality..
Some seem to think it makes them saintly .. I think it is self-denial…as to ABSTAIN in the dictionary means to deny the self.
This state of PIOUSNESS leads to being hypocritical and behaving in condescending way to others as to have a “holier-than-thou” attitude..
What I have found by the actions of those that abstain from sex until marriage or until a relationship is months into being established as “stable” is that they have a higher rate of divorce, mediocrity in their relationships, and years of unhappiness due to a unfulfilled sex life. One partner usually cheats..be it emotionally, sexually or in both ways.. there is almost always a power struggle..as the relationship was not balanced in the first place.
Sex is the foundation of any relationship.. you can have many things in common, you can have an intense friendship and love..but if there is not that spark.. or passion it can not sustain it’s self..as the foundation with in the body is based on the ROOT CHAKRA .. if those roots are not deep within the relationship..the relationship will fall like tree by the intense winds of change and destiny.. both partners must be equally matched in the root chakra for the relationship to be enduring..there is no other way.
But if you have a low sex drive and meet someone that is of the same energy than of course it will work..but to expect someone to stay with you that needs sex..it is selfish and childish..
I am not saying that we sleep with every person that we meet to find out if we are a sexual match..but I am saying to wait to find out after marriage or after months an months of dating is a waist of time and energy.. time and energy you could of spent on your own life and with the right partner.
Those who think that abstinence makes them somehow more pure of spirit are truly only feeding the ego with this saintly persona.. and they use it to control and manipulate other’s due to the fear within themselves of letting go of control and simply understanding the wisdom that LIFE IS THE EXPERIENCE ..they are indeed being cowardly.
Back to the word and the meaning of the word PASTEURIZE..means to sterilize..when we disinfect sex..we take away from it’s organic nature..as we do so in our society and with the very food we eat..we take away from the natural medicine that is inherent in it’s natural state.. we take away the magic.. because we fear contamination.. yet by our fear of contamination we strip away what was natural and good in the first place..the truth is you can not take away risk.. such is the nature of LIFE.
I suggest that you listen to the music above to submerge yourself into this writing.
It is now that we are being asked to surrender ourselves, to dive deeply into powerful emotional, sexual and spiritual waters.. it is now that all the energies are merging into the unification of the sacred marriage of the light and the dark.. it is the time of the New Golden Age as all of the most ancient of memories and wisdoms combine upon us.. and yes it is the Masculine and the Feminine that Unite.. as Mother Earth rises to her Groom.. Father Sky and we are the re-born children of this sacred submission and surrender..as they both..both of these energies surrender and submit in their sacred love to one another.
We are over taken by the flow of this energy as it is like two rivers converging upon each other in a new ocean of divine understanding.. we are taken over by emotions.. by passions..of the need to express love and compassion.. this we do when we ourselves are expressed in the postive.
Those that I am concerned for are those who are living in the negative as the negative expression of this is hate towards the opposite sex.. it is expressed in the need to do harm to other’s or to the self.. this is an important message to those who are heart-sick with bitterness, revenge .. those who live for only money wealth or greed.. it is time to put yourselves in order..as these feelings will only intensify as we approach the middle of this month November 2012.. as all will come to to a climax then.. it is important that you reach a stage of forgiveness as this hatred will not be felt by those you will not forgive but will manifest it’s self 100x within the self.. as it is never those that we hate that feel the hate.. it is only you that feels the hate within your heart.. it is you that will sink under these emotional swells.. these huge waves of intense emotion that are beginning to gain momentum right now.. you must unload your burdens are you will drown yourself.. as all that you carry now must be let go of.. it is sink or swim.. or better yet float with the current..
It is important that we ground our root chakra deep within.. deep roots to maintain balance..take care of body and soul.. as the roots need to anchor you so that you are not swept away in what feels like madness..express your sexuality.. eat healthy..get outside.. move your bodies.. and then go deep within..
This the age of wisdom.. and so it is this month we will feel it rushing in.. those who are sensitive to spiritual energies..will feel down loaded.. we will share our message..we will make new connections..and we will keep connecting out..as the hive of the mind buzzes with new life and new thought..as the DNA is re-connected..and the passages of the mind that have not been of use in the past..will take up life..the will make connections..and a new awareness shall take up like never before..or it will simply be understood by that of memory..we will remember of the time before this time..were we will know our divinity and that we are all indeed Gods..the Christ Mind takes up..all and everyone a divine spark..we come together..and the Divine Fire.. explodes.. THE AGE OF WISDOM.
Wisdom from each and every culture from every understanding upon the Earth..and then the Wisdom of the Heavens shall flood the Earth..
This is the time to set yourself in order..all that needs to be sorted within the self..shall be rearranged; it is now..this is the time of cleansing..
This energy is very sensual..very deep as it takes place in the sign of Scorpio..and then when the cleansing of deep emotion runs it’s course the wisdom of Sagittarius and Mercury takes up.. wisdom with swift movement..all comes rushing in..the new begins..accelerated change..The Golden Age.
“I Will Always Love You”
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go
But I know
I’ll think of you every step of
Love you, oohh
My darling you
That is all I’m taking with me
Please don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you
Will always love you
Will always love you
life treats you kind
And I hope
you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy
But above all this
I wish you love
Will always love you
Will always love you
I, I will always love
Darling I love you
Will he remember?
Will he remember?
Will he remember that we knew each other..before time began?
Will he remember his Divinity?
Will he remember the bed were he lays me.. is the Altar?
Will he remember that I am his Queen and he is my King?
Will he remember as I thrust up to him and he thrust into me..that this is the Throne of Royalty?
Will he remember as we explode together..will he remember as we loose identity in each other..that he is divine like me?
Will he remember through the love and the lust..to channel the sensuality.. into spirituality?
He who says yes
He who says yes
He is the God..
Ready for the Goddess.
I thought I was the one that was broken.
I offered you love.
I offered you commitment.
I offered you compassion.
I offered you innocence.
I offered you faith.
I offered you hope.
I offered you TRUTH.
You rejected me.
You lied to me.
You used me to make yourself feel important.
You made me believe that I was weak.
You made me think I had to become what you wanted.
You made me feel that nothing was good enough.
You made me feel that I was never good enough.
You told me I was crazy.
You told me I was broken.
You told me I was like the rest of the damaged ones.
You made me feel damaged.
You made me feel less than you.
You told me I was not enough.
You told me you couldn’t be with me in a relationship.
You made me feel like I was only sex.
But now I know the truth..the truth of you and all the ones like you who did the same to me.
All these things you told me I was.. all these things you had me feel I was..
It was you all along.
Your afraid of love.
You are weak.
You needed me to feel important by making me feel like less.
Fame, social standing and money mean everything to you.. not to me.
You are weak.
You can’t face the truth.
You feel small.
You feel less than me.
You are crazy because you can’t let yourself love.
You just care about sex and you fear true intimacy.
It was never me who was broken.
I was always here and always whole.
I was always enough.
I am enough.
It is you who are broken.
I am brave enough to love.
I am strength,
I always was.
This is for all the men I have dated and who have romanced me. This is my (light) turning on.
You told me I was the Goddess that you seek
You told me that you saw yourself in me
You told me that you loved me
You loved me
You loved me
Words so sweet
Words so needed indeed
You said the others were but boys
You said you were the man that I need
You said my heart was calling out you
You said your heart was calling out to me too
ohhh words so tender
I opened up my heart and soul
You were the man that could take me as I am
So I showed you my light and dark
I asked of you the same
But instead you ran away
Into the night
into the night
Oh with a fright
you ran with my heart
Leaving me with nothing
as you said nothing
Some may see me as weak
As I am foolish enough to believe in love
Some may say I am stupid
As I open up my heart again to fresh pain
Some may say I am crazy
As I am willing to brave much loss to find one love
Some may say I am childlike to believe there is one who will be true
As I am taken in by those who lie or tell half truths
Some may say I am choosing to suffer
As I suffer for being vulnerable to those who turn cruel
Some may say I have learned nothing
As I go though it again and again
Some may say I am a victim
As there are those who prey on an open heart
I say this.. I have Courage..and Strength.. I have the LION HEART.. love will find away!