I have searched for love out side of myself.. only to find it evade me like the mist… to evaporate as I tried to grasp at it.
I have listened to others tell me who I am and what I want.. only to be left wanting.
I have had my emotions controlled by men who tell me what I want to hear..as they feed off of my my energy.. and I have been left ..not empty..but with just parts of me..as I have given away to them what they truly stole away from me.. and so it is that I have searched for the key..but I have searched for this key outside of me.
I blamed myself.. for their lack.. I saw this lack as something lacking in me..and so again the pattern emerged inside of me..as pieces that I missed.. ohhh how I missed myself ..all the time thinking that it was someone else that I missed.. feeling lonely for what I thought was him.. but all along it was me I missed.
I listened to words of idealized romance.. I listened to him speak only of himself.. I listened to him tell me what his needs were.. I listened to him as he told me who he was and what he believed in.. I listened to him as he tried to make me into what he thought was his ideal.. I listened and I listened as I was nothing but stealing away from myself..but I blamed him.
And so it is just very recently it happened again..a man that seemed like a God.. who told me when I was dreaming of Angels it was him I was dreaming of.. he told me he was the other half of me..and he believed that women were empty without men but men were filled endlessly.. yes he said he loved me, yes no one could compare to the love that he had for me and that I should have for him.. just believe in him..and only him, faithlessly as this would prove my enlightenment and that I am indeed worthy of such a great love that only he.. my Twin Flame could give to me and I to him..and so it is the power began to shift from me to a man. It was all to be on his timing and his plan.. as it was all in his sense of good timing that we should be together..and then I felt the drain again… but this time..a light came on.
I found the key..to my patterns.. I found my heart.
I found that love has always been with me and that I have never been empty.. and any man or person who needs to steal energy from me.. has not found this key.
I found the love.. I found that it exists in the moment..of gratitude for all that is.. I am complete.. I am in contact with my higher self.. I am the Angel in my dreams..not him or anyone else.. I am the love that I seek..and it has always been so.. am The Bride and The Groom..in knowing this I am whole.
I walked in to the shadows.. In the light of my awareness of who I truly am..my shadow self becomes so much less..as I am so much more in my new awareness.
My Angelic Self.. lifts me up from the ashes.. as I am transformed.. I am that I am.. there needs be no more..than this.. I am love
And so it is…
I wed bliss..
Do not set a place for me.
I will not enter in.. I know it is but a golden cage, that you wish to capture me in.
You have set the table.. you have prepared the food, you have set the mood..but it is not for love and for loving me.. you only wish to feed your lust from me.
Oh the illusion is so sweet, flowers and candlelight for you and me..fruit and cream..but it is all just a means to seduce me.
But the seduction is not for love, it is not true romance.. just lies of the flesh.. just a lie as you wish to make me your concubine as you see in me no decency.
I know for the last man who had me enter in.. I sat with him in the place that he had set for me.. a delusion of romance and loveliness..all just smoke and mist.
Like a child I trusted this.. I trusted him to be true.. I trusted everything he said.. I trusted the sweet lie.
I drank the wine.. I ate and I dinned ..then soon it was me he feasted upon.. he ate my heart .. he made me cry.. he made me fall into sorrow..because I believed in him.
And so it is.. I will not sup with you.. I will not dine in your worldliness, I do not want to be used like this.. I do not want to feel hopeless.
I run into the forest..chasing moonbeams on my own.. all alone.. until I find the wild soul ..the soul that reflects my own.
He is the wild man.. he is an honest man..the poet and the artist..
I will find him there like me..chasing the moonbeams.
I am the likening, I am the symbol.. I am similar .. I am the poetic .. I am the poem.
In the deepest darkness, the soul was driven.. deep into the shadows…hell was known.
There was no escape from this damnation…I was the dark horse…it was my termination. My death. There was no hope, no faith, no love..I had no salvation. My reality was my disintegration.
In this place..of nothingness I let go.
I stopped fighting.. I stopped trying to change what I could not change..
The death was.. it was a long death.. but then like a light in the gloom.. like a lighthouse penetrating the impossible blackness.. my inner light began to glow.. somehow.. somehow..and it became stronger..it became brighter..and I became more..I was in the process of transforming.
It was the next morning.. when I felt a universal flow take me and send me and become me and make more of me than I ever knew was possible.. it felt like the impossible but it became and I became the possible..and I did transform.
I stopped looking outside of myself. I stopped looking towards a broken society for the answers.. I stopped and I stood still..and I flowed.
I accepted I am the metaphor.. I am the fringe.. I am the seeker and the keeper of truth.. I just am.
I have no need to fight the society that is now.. I have no need to compete… because it is not necessary as it is the way it should be now..and all will change..I am truth.. I am the symbol.. I am myth..the spirit knows the myth..the spirit will flow.
I let go.
I will find the others,
The others that keep the truth,
The others will find me,
We will no longer be the fringe of society,
We will remake and renew the tribal ways,
I let go to make way for a new way..
As the ancient ways are reborn.
This is the story of The Little Black Sheep.
One spring morning.. lets say April 9th 1970.. A little black sheep was born amongst a corral full of white sheep. As the little black sheep grew she became aware of her difference by the way others treated her.. and by the way she saw the world so opposite from the white sheep. Of course she was always asked “Why are you so weird and strange.” The little black sheep was asked this question so often by the white sheep that she learned to simply reply ” I was born this way.”
The white sheep did everything the same way every single day. They would pace the corral in a circle each morning upon waking..they would pace waiting for the farmer to bring them food and water. The circle that they marched in had become a rutted path; and it was filled by their own shit. The corral was muddy and shitty, so ugly and stinky..but the white sheep did not seem to mind as it was all they ever knew.
But as the little black sheep became older she became wiser.. she looked through the slats in the corral fence to see a beautiful open meadow..it was lush and green..full of sweet tender, purple clover..she heard the bubble bees buzz and hum.. so bright and yellow as they danced to the song of creation. The little black sheep stood quietly..it was then she heard the creek .. the sound of fresh clean water running over stones..
The little black sheep said to the white sheep ” come and look through the fence..come and see how beautiful and free it is..there is so much to eat and drink..there is so much to explore!!!” She was so excited!! But the white sheep became very angry with her.. ” You stupid crazy little black sheep..there are wolves out there.. it is dangerous to want freedom.. your nuts.!!!” They called her names to scare her to make her submit to there way of being, and when that did not work they ignored her, and pretended like she didn’t exist.. but the little black sheep knew she was right..she knew they were nuts, as she would rather brave the wolves then spend her life walking in circles in shit.
One day the little black sheep had enough! She jumped up on the feed tray and then onto the top of the fence. The white sheep freaked out ” Get down!!! Get down!!! You crazy little bitch!!” But she did not listen.. and she jumped off to the other side of the fence!!!
The white sheep were glad she was gone; as now they need not be reminded of there captivity. Now they did not need to be reminded that they were weak and she was brave.. now they did not need to take responsibility for their freedom and their own lives… but little did they know.. the little black sheep had done something so completely off the wall different they didn’t even see it..as it was right in front of them.. THE LITTLE BLACK SHEEP HAD OPENED THE GATE!!!!
In time the younger white sheep..looked through the gate to see the little black sheep frolic and play in the clover that was so sweet..they saw her drink from the clean fresh creek..and they saw that she had made friends with other black sheep that had found their way..and then something wonderful happened..some of the younger more open minded sheep..turned coat..and came out to play…. The end
Yes I am the Little Black Sheep.. my birthday is April 9th 1970.. and ” Baby I was born this way!!!!”
I am the wild child that wants to expose shame.. I am the one that others in my family blame..as they have called me crazy and trouble; simply because I saw the rigidity and over morality of our lives as captivity..and it is.. Being a woman is not a sin. How stupid is that??? Because I have a vagina, religion teaches that I am dirty.. ahhh NO! What the fuck???
I love my vagina.. I love my femininity and I love the pleasure and power my sex gives me. I am a sexual being as it is in my core nature to be so, I will not be shamed for liking and wanting sex..that is shit.
I am here to leave the gate open..as are other artist..writers..and others who protest stupidity.. I see the wide open spaces and I will bring freedom to others by the way I live my life ..to show the white sheep how to be brave.
So I stick up my middle finger ..with both hands.. I rebel with a cause.. and I dance in the clover.