Archive for the ‘soul mates’ Category

The Song Of Solomon & The Rose Of Sharon

 

I am looking at this book through a revolutionary new perspective as I am taking it out of biblical context or out of religious context to see this ancient text for what it was in the first place.. it seems it was a series of love letters written to and from Solomon and his lover Sharon.. I believe religion .. Christian and Jewish used it to regulate sexual activity into the binding of marriage, when both religions were formed they were driven by the need to control mass population through the manipulation of sexual shaming, Governments and religion moved hand in hand to keep track of, and control the masses, one way was through a documented marriage contract through religion and state.. that explains why these love letters were used in both religions to turn this lust and love into something that God had for his people..but it was this lust that was the driving force of this couple’s passion.. so lets begin with fresh eyes.. eyes that see the human condition of sex, love, lust and passion.. as natural not a SIN

The book starts with Sharon..( as she named herself in Chapter 2 verse 1 ” I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys.” ) Sharon is sitting beside King Solomon at his table and she says ( ” While the king sitteth at his table my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my well beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breast.” Chapter 1 ; 12 & 13) she is saying that she is so turned on sitting beside him, thinking of making love to her king that she is starting to smell like her own sex, and that he can smell her..  This is lust.. she may have been nothing more than a concubine to him as stated in ( Chapter 6 verse 7 ” There are threescore queens and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number”) Sharon was a part of the king’s harem ..

Though out the book Sharon brags to the other daughters of  Jerusalem about how beautiful and fair her lover is, she brags about their lovemaking though out the vineyards, fields and valleys of Solomon’s kingdom.. in this verse it sounds like she is giving him oral sex.. today this would be called “Tea Bagging”  ( Chapter 2 verse 3 ” As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”)

Yet Solomon and Sharon had lover’s fights, it seemed they liked to fight often.. it was because she was jealous of sharing the king with other women, and because she was mad at him for not making her a priority over his kingly duties ..something that happens to couples today..  In the 3rd Chapter Sharon awakens to find him gone..she goes out into the night to search the city for him ” I will rise now and go about the city in the streets and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth” She finds him and holds him close.. I can imagine desperate for his love and affection..and surrounded by his men of arms they go and find a place to make love.. you can see in The Song of Solomon were he addresses her and she addresses him as she calls him ” Brother” and he calls her ” Sister” in Chapter 5 they are ready to become intimate.. he says ” Open to me my sister, my love, my dove.”  but then something happens .. Sharon says ” I rose up to open to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself and was gone, my soul failed when he spake; I sought him but could not find him; I called him but he gave no answer”

Sharon then goes crying out into the night searching for him once more, she is assaulted by the watchmen… she then writes about how much she loves him as she describes him in detail and her deep soulful love for him.. in Chapter 6 Sharon turns to her girlfriends who tell her how lovely she is and how lucky he is to have her.. ( women do this today) .. It seems that in Chapter 6 vs 9 they unite as he says (” My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her; Yea the queens and the concubines, and they praise her”) It seems to me that Sharon was the one woman in his harem that had a true chemistry with the king..with Solomon..and that is why he favored her above others..she was his and he was her obsession.. she says to him in Chapter 8 verse 6 & 7 ( ” Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.’)

Why it is getting easier and easier for me to stay celibate

 

 

 

It’s getting easier because I am seeing what is out there in society today. Even at my gym I watch married people flirting ..attempting to carry on ( at the very least ) emotional affairs so that they don’t have to face the responsibility or take ownership of their own integrity in their relationships to their spouses. People want fluff, they don’t seem to want anything deep and meaningful. It seems both men and women don’t understand that the spark ( the Ideal) of the relationship cannot last forever..it usually only last a couple of years ..then the rose colored glasses dim..and you are faced with loving the real person not the ideal that you thought they were..and if you cannot do that..then have the integrity to leave the relationship before side-stepping into another one with someone else.. and then those who flirt with married people.. wtf are you doing? Have the integrity not to allow yourself to be played into someone else’s games.. the game of hide and seek from their own truth.. of not wanting to grow up and face their own problems.. that is what a real meaningful relationship teaches us.. others show us our strengths and weaknesses.. it isn’t meant to be easy .. sometimes it’s damn hell.. It is supposed to be both heaven and hell..as both the light and dark lives in each soul.

Now switching over to men.. this is what I see.. selfish men who don’t actually want a woman that is equal to them..they are macho not masculine.. macho in that they need a woman to fill a role and to complete an emptiness that is inside of them.. that emptiness is caused by men who need a woman to dumb herself down..so that she doesn’t challenge him into evolving into a full manhood. A dumb woman that knows her place in his life.. as a servant to his ego; doesn’t cause him to question his own selfish motives.. What I see are men intently and with greed, accumulating their own social status and toys will giving as little of themselves and their time, their emotions or intellect to a woman as is possible.. They don’t want to be truly intimate, to share their lives or resources..what they want is to get as much as they can from a woman while giving as little as possible.

I see men being boys..breaking a woman’s sense of her self worth by playing her against other women .. making her feel easily replaceable unless she gives herself up to him.. I will not give a guy like this my time, my energy or even a thought.. he isn’t worth it.. he is not worthy..

I see lots of men.. who say the are men, who profess to have courage..but when the the time comes to show courage by action..the use excuses or remain silent, or make themselves scarce.. What I am saying..is that I see boys fooling themselves into believing they are men. I see boys who are afraid, afraid to stand by one good woman, who are afraid to go into emotional depths, who are afraid to invest their hearts into the heart of one good woman.. Instead it is easier to date and sleep with girls who are not real women..because a real woman wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like second best..a second, third or forth place on his list of priorities.. a real woman would make sure she was his first priority, and the he was her’s.. but what I see are people who are settling ..to be treated without dignity or respect..

This makes it easier and easier for me to remain celibate.. I will not be treated with coldness or brutality, I will not be put last on his list, I will not allow selfishness and immaturity into my life.. and I will not show my children by bad example how to be treated with disrespect..

I respect myself .. I respect my kids.. and I respect the good man that is out there somewhere.. I respect him enough not to settle for anything less but him..if he manifests into my life or not.. I am not giving myself away to little men who are not worthy of a good woman. I will do for myself.

Pure as fresh fallen snow..but

 

Writers block for a few seconds.. did you feel the silence?

I am pure because.. hahaha just flipping through my dictionary and it opened up to the word LENT LOL..I was looking for pure.. now going to my SUPER Thesaurus.. hmm I like undiluted, natural and genuine,real..hahaha.. downright thorough, celibate, decent, good, wholesome, moral.. why.. ? To purge.. oh have I purged.. purged my demons on this blog.. brought them downright, thoroughly into the light of my own awareness..we are buddies now..but I had to purge.. expel..cleanse away all the negative people and experiences I have had since starting my blog and website.. so I had to concentrate my energy in on myself..becoming pure unto myself.. it was needed so that I could protect myself from all the negative influences coming at me because of my work on women’s sexuality.. so as far as looking at pure in purification rituals.. I am so purified. My diet and lifestyle have been super clean. The people I allow into my life.. or near me in my daily life ..I have purged those who are toxic to me. My life has been very ritual based..and I have been very strict with myself.. so that I could stay on a clear path.

So here is the but..in the title of this post…but it is wearing thin now..

It is very difficult for me to find a life partner or a man who wants to be in a relationship with me in the town that I live in.. simply because of my lifestyle, and because many men are not mature enough to understand what I am doing with my book and online profile..and many good men are afraid to socially interact with me because they are afraid of how I will affect their social reputations and professional reputations..

I want a man that lives a fitness lifestyle; that is kind and real..that will be a good example for my children. I don’t drink and party.. I want someone who is wants to be with me at home in the evenings cuddling most of the time..but has his own things going on too.. he doesn’t have to understand exactly what I am doing with my book.. just support my dreams..and I need him to protect me from all the outside negative influences coming at me because of the controversy surrounding my blog.. I need a man that can take care of himself financially and who will eventually be willing to pool resources..

I am not looking for Mr.Perfect.. I am just looking and have been waiting for a decent guy..

How sad is it that I have had to wait so long.. and it’s frustrating.. emotionally and physically frustrating.. sometimes when I get out of the shower and look at myself naked..I think ” What a fricken waste!” because no man has touched me in a very long time..and there seems to be no end insight..and I think to myself  ” Where the hell is he? I am not getting any younger here!”

But .. ( There is the but again) I have learned not to settle.. I have settled before..and it just turned into intense regret..and being lonely with someone.. it’s better to be lonely alone than with someone..

So I suppose there is nothing to be done about it?

 

Organic Love

 

I think this is the ideal of love but not the reality of love.. so I am going to do something completely different.. I am going to turn it around.. from a purified, pasteurized love into something realistic, organic, whole and honest..

 

I will not always be patient.. but I will still love you

I will sometimes be unkind.. but I will still love you

I will get jealous from time to time.. but I will still love you

I will brag, be arrogant and forget myself in my ego.. but I will still love you

I will be rude sometimes.. but I will still  love you

I will be selfish now and then.. but I will still love you

I will get angry and loose my temper now and then… but I will still love you

I will tell little white lies .. but I will still love you

I will loose hope and become sad and depressed from time to time .. but I will still love you..

I know that love cannot always endure all things.. like big lies, and affairs.. addictions..and abuse..

I know that loosing trust breaks the bonds of love.. and I understand that is the reality..

That things can be forgiven but never forgotten..and sometimes we have to love each other from a distance..

Sometimes we have to move on and find another to love..

I understand that love is not perfect.. because people are not perfect..

But when we really love someone we don’t hold them up to impossible standards..

We just treat each other the best we can..

Because real love is raw..

It is passion..

It is compassion..

Praying

 

Nature is my church and my prayers are energy that radiates from my heart..

Once again I am becoming intimate with you my reader..sharing with you the inner most callings of my heart.

When I prayed today I needed to be one with the earth and sky.. I needed to hike and to climb..to walk to the edge that over looked the water; to feel as if I could be lifted up.. lifted with the tendrils of the rain clouds that flew on gust of late spring air.. I saw them.. the mist, just touching the surface of the lake.. and they blew up against me, into me as I became drunk with oxygen.. the wind filling my lungs with crisp, cool dampness.. I didn’t care that the rain washed over me.. it was a soft clean mist.. soft and sweet.. I felt one with the earth and the sky.. one with water of the lake and the clouds.. matching my emotion of humility.. and I asked just for this.. I prayed just for this..

” I don’t need much.. just someone to to put all my love into.. I have so much to give him when he arrives.. and I wish to be filled with his love.. I don’t need much money.. just enough to get by..and a little more for comfort.. I just need softness and comfort.. I don’t need much.”

” God, Universe, Energy.. I did what you wanted.. I pushed myself past anything I thought I could.. I created what you told me to do.. I gave my heart, my soul, my money.. I  braved my worst fears..and I am still scared to death..but I am still facing fear.. like you told me too.. please.. please, pay it forward.. this message is yours..the book, the website..this blog.. put please.. please … just pay it forward.. just a little bit to me.. I don’t need much.”

A simple prayer.. from deep within my heart center..

I raised my eyes to see a huge golden eagle coasting up .. up with the updrafts.. he flew free and easy.. gliding higher and higher into the misty tendrils of the rain clouds..and I said.. ” Take my prayer with you.”

 

 

What Scares Me About Love

 

When I fall in love.. I fall hard.. it scares me because I want to trust him completely. When I fall in love I am loyal to a fault. I will fight for him, I will let no one hurt him. When I fall in love, I love him; not his money, not his social status, not his things, his friends or his family..  When he falls I want to be the one to pick him up. I want to nurture him.. heal him .. I want to be the one he vents all of his fears and frustrations to..and then I will be the one to keep every one of his secrets.. I want him to know I am safe for him to be who he really is.. I will be his best friend.

The world is so broken to think it is all just about sex and money.. when it is the heart to heart connection that I crave ( it is why I am still alone.. I have not found a man brave enough to let me into his heart ) I have not found a man that can love with the vulnerability that I can.. I have not met my partner.

What I fear the most about love is simply that the world has forgotten about love. The world has made sex so dirty. The relationships between men and women so empty..

I fear being in a relationship just for money.. I fear the control and the coldness..the lack of self respect leading to no respect in a relationship based on finances and sex.. I fear being with the broken down cold hearted majority.. I can not live that way.. I would rather be alone.

The thought to being alone for the rest of my life also scares me..because the ghost of the man I long for would follow me..but like a dream..fade in the light of day.. leaving me longing for what might of been.. this also makes me sad.

But after years of being married to an empty man I can not allow coldness back in..as my heart is finally warming.. filled with passion and life again.

I would rather be alone and dream of the man that would make me feel loved and safe again.. I would rather struggle on my own with lack of money and the finer things.. then let someone else’s ice settle around my heart again..

I would rather be alone and dream of my dream of him than settle for anything less than true love again.

Motherhood is Messy

 

It’s funny that once a dog has puppies she is called a bitch.. It kinda works that way. Once you become a mother your less likely to take shit from people.. you go from maiden to mistress.. in that you learn to own it. You learn to own you body for the first time in your life.. you learn about morning sickness and leaky breast.. you are baptized in poop..those wonderful breast milk poops that come out of your babies bottom like hot squirting lava.. you learn about blood.. you learn that childbirth has been made romantic and dreamy by media bullshit.. in birth you learn it’s a blood bath.. it’s all blood and water..birthing water mixed with blood..shit yes you learn to own your body and you learn that you need to be a bitch to get shit done.. to get your message across to your partner when your so sleep deprived that words escape you.. just a grunt and a point .. ” just hand me the fucking bottle!”

 

My girlfriend and I are both now single mothers; contending with nasty pouting exes.. both of them keeping money and assets away..both of them abusive and controlling .. mine still owns me $24,000.00 My girlfriend is going broke paying lawyers  just to do simple things..  I know that I have to go after my ex without a lawyer because lawyers fees would eat up the entire amount in the attempt to get him to pay what he legally owes. Both of us are concerned for our safety as both of our exes seem to be capable of harming us.. I really am afraid to go after him for the money.. this also is the messy part of single parenting..Divorce and separation of assets..and of course to our exes we are bitches that deserve nothing.

 

Being a single mother on mother’s day sucks.. both of us didn’t want to take ourselves out for a mother’s day brunch or winery tour.. or buy ourselves flowers and chocolates.. knowing that other married mother’s were being spoiled by family was a real downer for us.. we took our kids to the park.. and when our kids were busy playing we got down to bitchen in a good way.

 

Both of us are highly sexed women.. meaning that sex means a lot to us..so guess what we talk about most of the time….?? The lack of good sex. How sex deprived we both were in our marriages .. and how on earth were we going to meet someone worth it? Seriously.. we both just want that guy we want to molest constantly..and the guy that takes pride in giving a woman pleasure… not just getting himself off.. no way! There are so many guys like that..

 

“No overly religious guys” I blurted ” I hate that fucking ..be a good girl and let me be the head of the house shit” My Friend says ” Oh my God.. when they start talking about how God has done this or that.. I run. There is a woman I know that married a guy that was a Muslim..he was so anal.. he made her cover her head and shit.” I laughed ..she said ” I don’t think they believe in divorce.. I would rebel and come home with cum in my hair..” I BURST OUT LAUGHING..the way she said it touching her hair like it had globs of cum in it.. I was rolling on our picnic blanket busting a gut…I said ” Like with cum on your breath?” OMG.. we laughed ” I am gonna pee!” we both said..

 

Then we talked about living with just enough while or exes had all the freedom to work and play at will..while our entire income went into raising the kids..while they traveled and bought new vehicles.. we talked about the endless cycle of housework, cooking and grocery shopping.. about all the responsibility and about how hard it was to find free time to work, to take care of ourselves, to have any free time..and then the mother guilt that the ex husbands didn’t have..

 

Than back to sex again.. and eating watermelon and mango..both sexy foods you know? “What kind of sex do your crave?” she asked me ” I want someone who is physical like me and has my energy..someone who isn’t afraid to explore..and who will like it when I tell him what I need him to do.”  ” What about you” I asked her. ” The same fucking thing!” She said.. I told her ” A man that makes  you feel marked by him.. you know he is so passionate that you couldn’t imagine being with any other guy but him.. like he owns your mind and body..because no one can make you as hot as him.” “FUCKING EXACTLY.. that’s fucking hot..do you think we can find it?” ..” I hope so.” I said depressed.

 

” I am so sexually frustrated..doing the passion parties and reading about great sex and even having someone to re-start a spark with.. you know I am so sick of taking care of my own business.. it has been so long since I have been with a man..and then the last couple of guys that I have been with in the last 3 1/2 years since my marriage ended..well they were a disappointment .. I have been deprived for fucking years!”.. I said with utter frustration..” I think I am just so fucking frustrated.. I am on match.com but it’s just ..like yuck..guys that don’t give a shit about their bodies..don’t have my level of energy..they all seem boring as hell.. my vibrator will do compared to these guys.. no fucking thanks!

 

” Me too Gracie… me too”

 

So what is the fucking point to this post.. the point is mommies are not all sunshine and cookies.. we are that as well but we are also real women.. with real issues and real bodies and real needs.. that’s the point.

 

 

Maybe I will just take a lover

 

I don’t want to get married and I don’t want a traditional relationship.. I don’t want to clean up all his shit.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to be and to feel like I am smothered and most of all I don’t want to be his mother.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to wait at home for him to show up late for dinner and then bicker.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

 

I don’t want to dress the same and do the same things with him everyday; I would rather play with him, not like the old fashioned way.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to watch TV in bed with him; I want to make passionate love with him instead.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t need constant attention and I don’t want to use manipulation to get it from him.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to be told what to do day in and day out; I don’t want to be told who I am and I don’t want to scream and shout.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I like to be alone most of the time, I like to have my things to be mine.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

 

 

He can have his place and I can have mine; we don’t need to be attached at the hip all the time.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

All I need is one good man, a man that is free and in his own power and only wants to sleep with me.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

We can live our private lives out of other’s prying eyes; I will keep his secrets and he will keep mine.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

2 Women Taking Sex

 

 

 

My girlfriend and I have the most honest and amazing talks about sex.. this time we were trying to figure out what went wrong with our ex husbands..and of course it boiled down to the fact that we were poorly sexually matched with our exes.. anyone who tells you that sex is not a foundation of a relationship is deluded..

My friend married her ex because he offered her stability and safety.. even though she knew that she was not turned on my him..

It was the same for me too.. He turned me on but his sex drive wasn’t as high and he had no sense of adventure in the bedroom.. our energy was not compatible ..but he wanted to get married and have children.. and so I thought I could suck it up..

My girlfriend told me stories of her weeping in to her pillow as he made love to her..

My story was similar .. I would dress up as a french maid to meet him at the front door as he walked in..to be told he was not in the mood and that dressing up and role playing didn’t do anything for him.. I too would end up weeping in my pillow ..alone

It seemed I couldn’t initiate sex without being told by him there was something wrong with me.. but I was hot and young..fit and beautiful.. I only wanted to explore him.. I know now that we were not a FIT.. at all..but how it hurt to be shamed for being sexually healthy.

My friend entered into an affair.. but even in the affair she found that she was being manipulated by a man that needed to have control over the sex..he had to initiate or nothing.. it had to be on his terms..and so we nick-named him Broke-back-Dick..because sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn’t ..what the hell..?

My friend stated ” I just want to find a decent guy that turns me on that wants to have sex every fucking day.. even every second day.”

I said ” I know! I wish I could find a guy that would go all marathon sex on me once in while..I mean a day of sex.. why does it seem like guys talk about being all ready for this shit but you can’t find a guy that is?”

My Friend ” We should just go all COUGAR.. I mean fucking hell.. those young guys fricken crawl all over us..and they are hard everywhere!”

Then we started on the fantasies.. fantasy #1

The Job Interview..

He says ” show me how bad do you want this job” and you show him!

Or you could flip this fantasy around.. You could be the interviewer and he could show you how badly he wants the job..

Fantasy # 2

Sex in public on a pool table.. we both agreed this one is hot!

Fantasy # 3

Being the cougar and and doing some S&M on a young hot boy/man

Or you could flip that one around too..

Fantasy # 4

The cop.. enough said!

 

Anyway you get the picture..we have both been so deprived of hot sex.. love and affection we are starting to doubt the existence of it..

Then we both agreed I should sell sex toys  ;)

 

Moving on


 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=L6Cel24FOEw

The neat thing about this is that I own the deck of cards that Doreen is reading off of..and she is reading in my city of birth Vancouver BC

She is reading the cards as an over all feeling of energy throughout the planet.. I went and pulled these cards out of my deck and put them on my dresser on display early this Monday morning..and I received this news in the mail late in the afternoon.

Below is my comment to Doreen’s video on facebook.

“”You were right Doreen.. I received bad news in the mail today ( Monday) I filed a claim with the BC Human Rights tribunal..due to the fact that I have been sexually discriminated against by 2 of my cities networking organizations and some of their members against my website and self published book based upon The Goddess Archetypes..dealing with women’s sexuality and sacred sexuality..they will not hear the claim due to what they see as lack of solid evidence. They told me I could try filing against one member if I could prove the sexual harassment .. but I can’t..so there is no point. I have also been bullied online by these people as they use fake or no identities on my blog to comment..so I cannot prove nothing.. only that I can not be successful in my own city due to the fact that I cannot use these organizations to network.. it is a major loss and grief for me..as I know they are all gossiping and gloating at my failure to bring justice ( yet I am somehow relieved as their energy has brought my energy down and drained me for sometime.. it will be good to let them go) .. I am hoping with bated breath..that fortune will turn my way..and somehow I will get some financial help promoting my book and the message of women’s empowerment and sex for the sake of love.. the erotic not the pornographic..because I use myself as a model for my book..I express the Goddess through sensual yet classical artistic type photography.. I have been labeled as a whore in my city..and in the professional community.. promoting and living in the sacred..and believing myself in sacred sexuality.. I am far from a being a whore. I am going to share this comment on the blog part of my website..and I can link up your video above I will share it with the post I am going to write tonight.. but a least with your reading I had some emotional for-warning.. when I picked up the mail..and saw that it was from the Human Rights Tribunal.. I just knew this was going to be # 13.. the death and purification card.. death of the idea that I could bring justice..but purification of old, negative energy .. of people who are nothing like their online profiles say they are.. Thank you Doreen.. many blessings .. if you would like to read my blog”"

As much as I am very sad that my claim will not be heard.. I know because of this reading it is for the greater good.. it simply is not the will of the Universe..for reasons I just can’t see yet.. at the very least this reading gives me hope that something better is just around the corner..and that I am learning a positive life lesson staying in my grief and sorrow.. and that I can let these people go..as this has done nothing but drain me of my positive energy.. now I can move on and look forward to summer..I really want to write another book..

I see now this is for the best.. I can not even attempt to network with these people.. I can not even attempt to attend any of their supposed public functions.. were everyone is supposed to be welcomed.. for I simply am not welcomed but shunned by these people..it is something that I will have to accept..because by God I tried to change it.. but I can not change other’s perspectives..but I can go on and live my life..and do what I love to do..and that is to create and do the will of the higher good.

 

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