I just wanna talk about the games that he plays.. how he takes what is whole to break it down.. just because… he is broken..
I wanna tell you how he is afraid to feel.. to face the emptiness he fills with brutality and cruelty.. just so he doesn’t have to cry.. I know why.. I know why.. why he plays these silly games to hide.. to hide from what he feels inside.. it’s so much easier just to fuck than it is to make love… so much easier it is for him.. conditioned as he is… to run away from a gentle touch.. as it hurts so much to look inside and not hide.. not hide from all the fears buried long ago.. long ago when he was a little boy.. and he was told he was a coward when he cried so now he hides behind guns and knives.
He hides behind the steel and the iron that he lifts to make strong on the outside… but inside he crumbles in the night.. alone with his thoughts he cannot hide.. any longer,.. and that is when he cries.. silent tears full of pride.and shame.. so much shame in having a tender heart.. so much shame in feeling everything.. that when he is given love.. when he is given compassion and a hug… he pushes away.. refusing to give way.. least the tenderness inside she should find… for if she did what would he have, to power play..to game her away..
Under all the steel, the bullets and the blades.. through the razor wire .. through the brutality and the mock cruelty is a little boy inside.. just wanting to be freed from the man in the beast..
But the closer that she gets to setting the child in him free the more he shows coldness and calculations to manipulate her away in fear.. he will do whatever it takes… pulling out his bag of tricks and snakes… anything to get her away..and off the path to his heart least it should break.. but little does he know.. and little is he aware.. that if he should let her in the pieces of his heart she will repair.. but he will not relent.. he has to win. .. he is hell bent…because he lives in the hell that he creates by not turning on the light inside of his own soul that only love can make bright..
And so it is he lets his demons out.. hell fire and brimstone .. bullets blazing, knives glazing soft exposed heart.. bruising and abusing her very soul..and her skin… he refuses to let her in… chasing her away with all it takes.. not relenting not giving in or giving her her a break from the storm within him… and so she runs to save herself from him..
And even though she grieves for the little boy inside of him.. she knows she must surrender ..it is a battle that cannot be won by either one..and so he has the field.. the swords all belong to him..and the knives and the horses and all the men.. and all the metals and power.. but even then.. the battle inside rages on inside of him.. as his heart remains broken..
Shattered and torn, red and raw..bloodied and bleeding sorrows uncried least it should shame him as not a man.. as weak as weakling.. as the boy he has abandoned that was abandoned long ago.. he sits alone… all alone..
I believe that we have forgotten how to truly pleasure ourselves, we have been duped into thinking that pleasure is expensive when it is the simple things that bring the most pleasure. Women have become manicured, well behaved and seeking male approval and by doing so they have not learned how to pleasure their own minds, bodies, spirits and hearts. To be tamed is to become dried and brittle.. to be wild is be wet and and playful.. but we are made to believe that is when a woman becomes a slut. . I am always redefining everything.. even words are but nothing without the meaning that we put on them by our perspectives or social conditioning. Social conditioning is what tames the wild out of every woman.. when in fact a pleasure seeking slut is what she needs to become to set herself free… free to explore her own body, her sexual fantasies .. to touch her own skin, caress her own heart.. to think her own juicy thoughts..to run down that path.. to let her spirit guide her..
What does this contentment look like? How is it found? It is found in giving yourself permission to explore the sensual..if it be a lazy day in the sun, sleeping naked, savoring melted chocolate on your tongue.. to move your body through sensual dance our pounding strength workouts.. it comes by saying no.. no to those who drain a woman of her essence, demanding that she give all of her energy and time away, no to the games people play, saying no to others to make room for the self. To care about you, so that you can be more present in taking care of others..but truly even more succulent is to secretly not give a shit.. to rebel against the social norms of the well behaved woman.. to go deep into your own world and sexual fantasies and not be sorry one damn bit..
To imagine what you will about whom you will..to imagine him fucking you just the way you want him too.. to take the time alone in your room to eat dark chocolate, read erotica, listen to your favorite mood music and touch between your own softness.. to gush, to wither, to moan and thrash.. to be dripping, moist, fleshy and juicy just for you… to explore your darkest, dirtiest fantasy and not regret it.. don’t be sorry.
Succumb and submit to the erotic self… love your erect nipples, the the catching of your breath, the sweet softness of your own feminine flesh.. no matter your age or size.. no matter .. for you are a Goddess..
The wild calls to us.. it calls us back to our primitive nature.. to fill ourselves once more with sunshine, playtime, this horny lust for life that women have forgotten competing for male attention, competing as to who can work the hardest; complete the most tasks, work the longest hours.. while she should be sleeping, soaking up the sweet beauty of the night when she can… moonlight on her voluptuousness..star dust on her breast..
This dirty sin that we label as slutty .. that we call bad..this badness is so good, so right and erotically it is the elixir that we need to cure us..to make us and keep us wet… the climax of life, the orgasm that never lets up.
How much is she worth? If she isn’t young, if she has ” Been around” If she carries a few pounds, if she has had a few children? How much is she worth?
Sad and depressing for us women, sad and depressing for young girls.. we are fed this constantly, our virtue, our sexuality, our purity.. or worth based on what others judge as external beauty.. this amounts as to what we are worth.. those things are weighed and judged before intelligence, humor, empathy, talents or any other ability when a woman’s worth is calculated.. My teenage daughters are going through this right now as they reach the cusp, of the transformation of girlhood into womanhood.. and the insecurities mount.. even still I fight them..
I am in my 40s and ageing, I have had babies, I have a c-section scar.. I am into fitness but I have to stand my ground about how I want my body to look; as I don’t think body building is healthy for many reason..or the competing in beauty contest or body building contest.. I find them to be emotionally self defeating.. but people assume because I workout that I am looking to become this ideal..and I am just halfway there.. but I am not. I am competing with myself..
I not ” all that” I don’t think I am ” all that” I know I am very imperfect..but even with writing my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) and doing the photography in the book, being the model and showing my imperfections.. I still have body issues. I struggle with them. I struggle with the imperfections, and doing the self talk of ” I don’t have to be super skinny or super muscular to be beautiful and healthy, I can be my own version of me.” Yet going to the gym I am constantly shown women with this perfect fitness type of body… but many of them don’t seem too happy because it is a constant struggle.. I want to workout for the joy of moving my body and pushing my body to higher and higher limits.. I want to age gracefully.. I want to respect and honor were I am at this time in my life..not fight it or run from it..but honor my journey.. but also I know that age is just a number.. by doing this I am showing my daughters the way to self love and acceptance.. not body hate disguised as arrogance and false pride. I think being in this place of moderation but physical acceleration ( always pushing my limits with in my limits ) is truly healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy..
Like almost all women I have my body issues; of course I am shy about sharing my body with a lover for the first time, showing all my physical imperfections without perfect lighting or clothing to hide the parts of ourselves we all hide away. I have those days were I feel fat and bloated, wrinkled, and tired looking.. and I catch myself in negative self talk.. that is just being human.
The thing is this if women rate other women by looks we are keeping this insanity going; what does that mean ” Strong is the new beautiful or strong is the new skinny” ??? How about healthy is beautiful..being as healthy as you can be with what you are given is beautiful, smart is beautiful, being loving is beautiful, being caring is beautiful.. being talented is beautiful.. being your own unique self is REALLY BEAUTIFUL..
I am looking at this book through a revolutionary new perspective as I am taking it out of biblical context or out of religious context to see this ancient text for what it was in the first place.. it seems it was a series of love letters written to and from Solomon and his lover Sharon.. I believe religion .. Christian and Jewish used it to regulate sexual activity into the binding of marriage, when both religions were formed they were driven by the need to control mass population through the manipulation of sexual shaming, Governments and religion moved hand in hand to keep track of, and control the masses, one way was through a documented marriage contract through religion and state.. that explains why these love letters were used in both religions to turn this lust and love into something that God had for his people..but it was this lust that was the driving force of this couple’s passion.. so lets begin with fresh eyes.. eyes that see the human condition of sex, love, lust and passion.. as natural not a SIN
The book starts with Sharon..( as she named herself in Chapter 2 verse 1 ” I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys.” ) Sharon is sitting beside King Solomon at his table and she says ( ” While the king sitteth at his table my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my well beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breast.” Chapter 1 ; 12 & 13) she is saying that she is so turned on sitting beside him, thinking of making love to her king that she is starting to smell like her own sex, and that he can smell her.. This is lust.. she may have been nothing more than a concubine to him as stated in ( Chapter 6 verse 7 ” There are threescore queens and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number”) Sharon was a part of the king’s harem ..
Though out the book Sharon brags to the other daughters of Jerusalem about how beautiful and fair her lover is, she brags about their lovemaking though out the vineyards, fields and valleys of Solomon’s kingdom.. in this verse it sounds like she is giving him oral sex.. today this would be called “Tea Bagging” ( Chapter 2 verse 3 ” As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”)
Yet Solomon and Sharon had lover’s fights, it seemed they liked to fight often.. it was because she was jealous of sharing the king with other women, and because she was mad at him for not making her a priority over his kingly duties ..something that happens to couples today.. In the 3rd Chapter Sharon awakens to find him gone..she goes out into the night to search the city for him ” I will rise now and go about the city in the streets and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth” She finds him and holds him close.. I can imagine desperate for his love and affection..and surrounded by his men of arms they go and find a place to make love.. you can see in The Song of Solomon were he addresses her and she addresses him as she calls him ” Brother” and he calls her ” Sister” in Chapter 5 they are ready to become intimate.. he says ” Open to me my sister, my love, my dove.” but then something happens .. Sharon says ” I rose up to open to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself and was gone, my soul failed when he spake; I sought him but could not find him; I called him but he gave no answer”
Sharon then goes crying out into the night searching for him once more, she is assaulted by the watchmen… she then writes about how much she loves him as she describes him in detail and her deep soulful love for him.. in Chapter 6 Sharon turns to her girlfriends who tell her how lovely she is and how lucky he is to have her.. ( women do this today) .. It seems that in Chapter 6 vs 9 they unite as he says (” My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her; Yea the queens and the concubines, and they praise her”) It seems to me that Sharon was the one woman in his harem that had a true chemistry with the king..with Solomon..and that is why he favored her above others..she was his and he was her obsession.. she says to him in Chapter 8 verse 6 & 7 ( ” Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.’)
It’s getting easier because I am seeing what is out there in society today. Even at my gym I watch married people flirting ..attempting to carry on ( at the very least ) emotional affairs so that they don’t have to face the responsibility or take ownership of their own integrity in their relationships to their spouses. People want fluff, they don’t seem to want anything deep and meaningful. It seems both men and women don’t understand that the spark ( the Ideal) of the relationship cannot last forever..it usually only last a couple of years ..then the rose colored glasses dim..and you are faced with loving the real person not the ideal that you thought they were..and if you cannot do that..then have the integrity to leave the relationship before side-stepping into another one with someone else.. and then those who flirt with married people.. wtf are you doing? Have the integrity not to allow yourself to be played into someone else’s games.. the game of hide and seek from their own truth.. of not wanting to grow up and face their own problems.. that is what a real meaningful relationship teaches us.. others show us our strengths and weaknesses.. it isn’t meant to be easy .. sometimes it’s damn hell.. It is supposed to be both heaven and hell..as both the light and dark lives in each soul.
Now switching over to men.. this is what I see.. selfish men who don’t actually want a woman that is equal to them..they are macho not masculine.. macho in that they need a woman to fill a role and to complete an emptiness that is inside of them.. that emptiness is caused by men who need a woman to dumb herself down..so that she doesn’t challenge him into evolving into a full manhood. A dumb woman that knows her place in his life.. as a servant to his ego; doesn’t cause him to question his own selfish motives.. What I see are men intently and with greed, accumulating their own social status and toys will giving as little of themselves and their time, their emotions or intellect to a woman as is possible.. They don’t want to be truly intimate, to share their lives or resources..what they want is to get as much as they can from a woman while giving as little as possible.
I see men being boys..breaking a woman’s sense of her self worth by playing her against other women .. making her feel easily replaceable unless she gives herself up to him.. I will not give a guy like this my time, my energy or even a thought.. he isn’t worth it.. he is not worthy..
I see lots of men.. who say the are men, who profess to have courage..but when the the time comes to show courage by action..the use excuses or remain silent, or make themselves scarce.. What I am saying..is that I see boys fooling themselves into believing they are men. I see boys who are afraid, afraid to stand by one good woman, who are afraid to go into emotional depths, who are afraid to invest their hearts into the heart of one good woman.. Instead it is easier to date and sleep with girls who are not real women..because a real woman wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like second best..a second, third or forth place on his list of priorities.. a real woman would make sure she was his first priority, and the he was her’s.. but what I see are people who are settling ..to be treated without dignity or respect..
This makes it easier and easier for me to remain celibate.. I will not be treated with coldness or brutality, I will not be put last on his list, I will not allow selfishness and immaturity into my life.. and I will not show my children by bad example how to be treated with disrespect..
I respect myself .. I respect my kids.. and I respect the good man that is out there somewhere.. I respect him enough not to settle for anything less but him..if he manifests into my life or not.. I am not giving myself away to little men who are not worthy of a good woman. I will do for myself.
I tried it..and it isn’t working for me.. I thought I was expressing my inner divine masculine.. trying to be one of the boys..but I am not one of the boys.. I have had to accept that and embrace my Femininity.. not expressing my emotions isn’t tough..it is weak.. a strong heart is brave enough to feel, to care..it doesn’t mean I am to sensitive or that I am taking things to personally..it means I am brave enough to FEEL.. a scary prospect for many people in an overtly masculine society.. as women think they need to man up to be taken seriously in a male based society and professional world..but then we are left with insensitivity, repression and denial of emotions..because women don’t want to be called dramatic and overly emotional in a professional world.. what is professionalism anyway..it was created by male based logical thinking.. it wasn’t created to encompass the female mind.. our minds are based on instinct of nurturing..women read body language more than we read words..we are highly sensitive to other’s moods because our feminine DNA created us to nurture ..to be highly sensitive to an infant’s body language and tone.. because babies cannot use language..and so to not allow the feminine qualities to be seen as valuable as masculine qualities stops humanity and society from the full expression of the human condition.. what do we loose when we deny emotions .. compassion and empathy, intimacy, unconditional love, nurturing, we loose softness, kindness and tenderness..
The rise of the Feminine brings balance back into our world…
I am not going to repress my womanhood anymore..to make others more comfortable.. I am not going to “suck it up” and I feel sorry for people who are to repressed to express their emotions..because if you cannot have compassion for the self, softness and kindness for the self.. you cannot express these things towards others..
Truly men are trapped in their tough guy social conditioning.. I have a son..and I know how much he loves his mother’s softness, tenderness and long hugs.. I think men crave women to be women.. I think he wants someone he can fall apart with ..someone he can fall into that isn’t going to expect him to ” suck it up and be a man”
This tender heart..the heart of compassion is missing in society.. strong women are the ones who are brave enough be fully women and express their emotions..and love their bodies.
To answer the question ” What if women manned up?” The world would become a hard cold place ..barren of all intimacy, love and affection..and we would grieve the mother in every woman.
Writers block for a few seconds.. did you feel the silence?
I am pure because.. hahaha just flipping through my dictionary and it opened up to the word LENT LOL..I was looking for pure.. now going to my SUPER Thesaurus.. hmm I like undiluted, natural and genuine,real..hahaha.. downright thorough, celibate, decent, good, wholesome, moral.. why.. ? To purge.. oh have I purged.. purged my demons on this blog.. brought them downright, thoroughly into the light of my own awareness..we are buddies now..but I had to purge.. expel..cleanse away all the negative people and experiences I have had since starting my blog and website.. so I had to concentrate my energy in on myself..becoming pure unto myself.. it was needed so that I could protect myself from all the negative influences coming at me because of my work on women’s sexuality.. so as far as looking at pure in purification rituals.. I am so purified. My diet and lifestyle have been super clean. The people I allow into my life.. or near me in my daily life ..I have purged those who are toxic to me. My life has been very ritual based..and I have been very strict with myself.. so that I could stay on a clear path.
So here is the but..in the title of this post…but it is wearing thin now..
It is very difficult for me to find a life partner or a man who wants to be in a relationship with me in the town that I live in.. simply because of my lifestyle, and because many men are not mature enough to understand what I am doing with my book and online profile..and many good men are afraid to socially interact with me because they are afraid of how I will affect their social reputations and professional reputations..
I want a man that lives a fitness lifestyle; that is kind and real..that will be a good example for my children. I don’t drink and party.. I want someone who is wants to be with me at home in the evenings cuddling most of the time..but has his own things going on too.. he doesn’t have to understand exactly what I am doing with my book.. just support my dreams..and I need him to protect me from all the outside negative influences coming at me because of the controversy surrounding my blog.. I need a man that can take care of himself financially and who will eventually be willing to pool resources..
I am not looking for Mr.Perfect.. I am just looking and have been waiting for a decent guy..
How sad is it that I have had to wait so long.. and it’s frustrating.. emotionally and physically frustrating.. sometimes when I get out of the shower and look at myself naked..I think ” What a fricken waste!” because no man has touched me in a very long time..and there seems to be no end insight..and I think to myself ” Where the hell is he? I am not getting any younger here!”
But .. ( There is the but again) I have learned not to settle.. I have settled before..and it just turned into intense regret..and being lonely with someone.. it’s better to be lonely alone than with someone..
So I suppose there is nothing to be done about it?
I think this is the ideal of love but not the reality of love.. so I am going to do something completely different.. I am going to turn it around.. from a purified, pasteurized love into something realistic, organic, whole and honest..
I will not always be patient.. but I will still love you
I will sometimes be unkind.. but I will still love you
I will get jealous from time to time.. but I will still love you
I will brag, be arrogant and forget myself in my ego.. but I will still love you
I will be rude sometimes.. but I will still love you
I will be selfish now and then.. but I will still love you
I will get angry and loose my temper now and then… but I will still love you
I will tell little white lies .. but I will still love you
I will loose hope and become sad and depressed from time to time .. but I will still love you..
I know that love cannot always endure all things.. like big lies, and affairs.. addictions..and abuse..
I know that loosing trust breaks the bonds of love.. and I understand that is the reality..
That things can be forgiven but never forgotten..and sometimes we have to love each other from a distance..
Sometimes we have to move on and find another to love..
I understand that love is not perfect.. because people are not perfect..
But when we really love someone we don’t hold them up to impossible standards..
We just treat each other the best we can..
Because real love is raw..
It is passion..
It is compassion..
I can’t handle the bullshit.
I am a single mom with no family to help me; a nasty ex that uses the court system to bully me.. and I am trying to promote a book and website..and because I am a attractive woman talking about sexuality, sacred sex and women’s sexuality.. I have lots of haters..
So I don’t need head games from men..
I am not chasing after a guy like some lost puppy just to feed his ego.
I am not waiting around for him to call me when he gets around to it because he is just being a selfish, self absorbed dick.
I don’t want to compete for his attention with other women.
I don’t want to hear about the girl he never got over that still texts him.
I don’t want to be ignored for his friends.
I don’t want to be ignored for his interest.
I don’t want a fucking little boy.
When I go out to clubs and others social thingys to meet guys.. I get the same shit.. ( the lets just hook up and fuck and see what happens) we all know what that means.. ” I will keep on fucking you until something better comes along.”
Or those guys that brag about all the hot girls they have fucked before they even touch me..and of course after that they don’t get to touch me.. why would I let a guy into my body who sees women as fuck toys?
I can’t handle this shit..and I don’t want to.. It’s just not worth getting all dressed up to have a bunch of creeps treat me like am just one of many treats on the desert table.. please just fuck off.
My logical brain wishes that I could just cut out my heart like I would cut off a bad limp at an accident scene.. just hack out my heart and my sex drive. Or I wish I could go back to being a little girl.. just carefree .. I would just play road hockey with the boys..go fishing and call it day.
It wasn’t my initial intention to turn to celibacy .. like many places we find ourselves in; it is the journey of life that takes us there.
I am a very sexual and sensual woman; I am healthy, I have a high sex drive; I am in the prime of my sexuality..being in my forties; but I am a very sensitive, loving woman..and I found that I couldn’t get that back from others.
I have been celibate for over a year..well over a year. I found that the men I was with were very selfish in bed..and out of the bedroom. They objectified me, and expected me to fit into their lives while making no room in their own lives for me; accept for when it suited them. I found myself becoming emotionally depleted, I found them to clutter up my thoughts with their neediness and selfishness; I felt a lack of any spiritual connection ( soul to soul contact) and I was very physically sexually frustrated.
Simply put; sexually I can pleasure myself and satisfy myself without all immaturity and head games of men who really don’t know how to be men.
I would rather go on living my own life then waste my time on men that simply do not deserve me.
It has become a journey of self nurturing and learning how to channel my need for intimacy into being intimate with myself on every level..
But of course I still long for someone who is able to actually be present with me. Someone with similar interest, of health and who is as driven as I am. Someone who accepts me for me, someone to talk to, to cuddle, to share food with, I long for deep lasting eye contact, and passionate lovemaking .. sometimes it seems like it will never happen again..and I get very sad; but I am not willing to be with a selfish man, I am not willing to hurt myself even deeper by letting myself down..to let someone emotionally injure me just so I can meet a sexual need.
I am not judging others; and I am not saying this should ring true for anyone else..it is just were I am at in my life and were I have been for over the last year..
I pour myself into my workouts and my writing; into mothering my children.. into life.
Professionally I have been called many names because of my website; I have endured so much prejudice and outright hatred ..because I am seen as a whore; I am seen as a woman asking for it; as I put myself out there sexually; even in a professional way, I am not seen as professional because I am a woman using her own nudity to express sacred sexuality..and healthy sexuality and women’s freedom of expressing and living in their own sexuality.. I am seen as asking for abuse by others in my local community..
And so I have to self protect; I have to draw my energy and all my resources into me; to be there for me, because no one else has loved me and protected me..
And so it is I Plea Celibacy.