I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.
I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.
In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.
What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)
I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..
As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!
But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom
I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.
As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.
I tried it..and it isn’t working for me.. I thought I was expressing my inner divine masculine.. trying to be one of the boys..but I am not one of the boys.. I have had to accept that and embrace my Femininity.. not expressing my emotions isn’t tough..it is weak.. a strong heart is brave enough to feel, to care..it doesn’t mean I am to sensitive or that I am taking things to personally..it means I am brave enough to FEEL.. a scary prospect for many people in an overtly masculine society.. as women think they need to man up to be taken seriously in a male based society and professional world..but then we are left with insensitivity, repression and denial of emotions..because women don’t want to be called dramatic and overly emotional in a professional world.. what is professionalism anyway..it was created by male based logical thinking.. it wasn’t created to encompass the female mind.. our minds are based on instinct of nurturing..women read body language more than we read words..we are highly sensitive to other’s moods because our feminine DNA created us to nurture ..to be highly sensitive to an infant’s body language and tone.. because babies cannot use language..and so to not allow the feminine qualities to be seen as valuable as masculine qualities stops humanity and society from the full expression of the human condition.. what do we loose when we deny emotions .. compassion and empathy, intimacy, unconditional love, nurturing, we loose softness, kindness and tenderness..
The rise of the Feminine brings balance back into our world…
I am not going to repress my womanhood anymore..to make others more comfortable.. I am not going to “suck it up” and I feel sorry for people who are to repressed to express their emotions..because if you cannot have compassion for the self, softness and kindness for the self.. you cannot express these things towards others..
Truly men are trapped in their tough guy social conditioning.. I have a son..and I know how much he loves his mother’s softness, tenderness and long hugs.. I think men crave women to be women.. I think he wants someone he can fall apart with ..someone he can fall into that isn’t going to expect him to ” suck it up and be a man”
This tender heart..the heart of compassion is missing in society.. strong women are the ones who are brave enough be fully women and express their emotions..and love their bodies.
To answer the question ” What if women manned up?” The world would become a hard cold place ..barren of all intimacy, love and affection..and we would grieve the mother in every woman.
I am going to publish parts of the submission as an example and I hope to inspire other writers. I am not sure how perfect or professional my submission is..but sometimes you just have to wing it..
My cover letter..omitting my address, and my publishers address and name..for privacy of course
My sole and soul’s objective is to liberate women. I love how simply that just rolled off the keyboard onto this document. As a young girl it seems I was born knowing that this was and is my life’s purpose; A life time of many lifetimes rolled up into this grand moment; to bring the Goddess back into the forefront of human awareness, she once was (The Queen of the Universe) the beginning and ending of all things. The Goddess is life, and life is the Goddess. In ancient times she was worshipped and respected above all male Gods, as they were born of her. It simply was womb jealousy by the powers that be, way back in ancient Roman times; that usurped her power to gain control over the masses; and so it is that we are still living in Roman times. The (Goddess Rising) or (The Rise of the Divine Feminine) is the (Great Shift) in human consciousness. It is through the ancient archetypes of the Goddesses that women will be restored out and away from the shame of “The original sin”. Bringing forth this liberty and freedom also helps men to become responsible for how they view and judge women and their sexuality; as it ends (The Double Standard).
My book has been self-published by Balbo Press a Division of Hay House Publishers. I have a book signing at my local Chapters Store, on June 8th. I have a website to help me promote my book www.sexassacred.com I have worked very hard at self-promoting using YouTube, Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, google, and Instagram. My book can be purchased off of Amazon.ca
I am very willing to compromise with Hay House; as to the editing of the book; if they should wish to publish it; I know it is a very delicate and controversial topic. It makes me smile and laugh a little as to how, even in our modern day society women’s sexuality is still seen as volatile and taboo; I wish to change that.
Thank you for your time,
Chapter Break Down
The beginning of the book is a short series of small write ups leading into the chapters, meant to captivate the reader by the whimsy of the adventure. The first page is a biography about me the author and then a short write up about my female photographers; Claire Barnard and Joan McEwan of Miss Sassy Pants Boudoir Photography. Then a write up about the adventure of the photo shoots. I write about what it means to be an artist. I explain why many women are mad about the double standard. I explain the martyr archetype. Lastly I write about the hidden Goddess; how the Roman Emperor Constantine buried the Goddess under shame with the creation of the original sin.
The first chapter is Isis The Star; when the chapters begin in the book the photography burst out as well; as the photography is placed within the chapters that contain the archetype of each Goddess. In a deep spiritual wisdom I have built the Goddesses to represent each chakra. Isis is one of the most ancient Goddesses so I see her as the root of the Goddess. Within in each chapter I include small poems with the written word that describes and expresses her unique wisdom. Each chapter works within this template.
The second chapter is Artemis
The third chapter is Venus
The forth is Athena
The sixth Mother Nature
The seventh The White Goddess
I then do a write up about the Goddess of Light and dark; the demonization of women’s sexuality through explaining Lilith, to cleanse her of her demonization that has been placed upon her archetype by religious dogma. I explain how pornography and purisms have created the duality of women’s sexuality, and what needs to change to heal it.
Lastly I write about The Goddess in Me; I express how each Goddess archetype has moved through me and my life, and I use my own sexuality as an example.
Qualification and Author’s Biography
I have a worthy online media profile; I have my own website www.sexassacred.com, my book has been self-published by a division of Hay House Publishers, Balboa Press and it is available on Amazon.ca and from Balboa’s website. I have over 300 videos on YouTube, I am on Twitter, google, Facebook and Instagram. I have a book signing on June 8th 2014 at my local Chapters Store here in Kelowna BC Canada. The subject matter is highly controversial, so it has generated much attention.
My qualifications would also include “The School of Life” I have self-educated in many ancient magical practices such as the study of ancient symbols; I have learned the tarot in depth, the runess, Angle cards, and crystal reading and palm reading. I was born being able to see auras. I was sort of just born knowing; and it led me to educate myself more deeply into ancient wisdoms; yet ,I just knew. The book is steeped in symbolism ; the book only needs to be 88 pages, as the images are much like the tarot and Angel cards, they speak to the reader much deeper than words, yet the writing and the poetry take them even deeper into their own ancient knowing or wisdom; it is magic, dare I say spellbinding?
Gracie grew up in a fundamentalist Christian house hold; she was taught that women didn’t really like sex and that men liked it way too much. As a girl maturing into a woman, this was very confusing. She thought about boys all the time; she daydreamed about a man holding her in his arms and what the actual act of lovemaking would be like. But she was taught these thoughts were sinful and that touching her own body was gross and dirty. It seemed to her that everything natural was a sin.
Gracie found that the Christian bible was full of contradictions; The Song of Solomon was supposed to be about the Church being The Bride Of Christ; she read it many times because it was so erotic; to her it was about a man and a woman longing for each other above others, finding each other after they had a fight and then having great make up sex! But it seemed to her, somehow when the books of the bible were put together this became a disinfected metaphorical look at the Church being married to God?
In all religions the Goddess or the Feminine aspects of God have been hidden under doctrine and dogma. The root of equality left trampled in the ruins of the ancient temples that scatter the globe; Gracie created this book is to bring her back to her original glory.
This book is to help women love their flesh; their original beauty, to do away with the plastic and the pornographic; real women are organic; their bodies unique; their bodies their own.
Gracie’s dreams led her down this path; because of her vivid, spiritual and mystical dreams she began to study Jungian dream analogy; Jung led her to Albert Einstein; these two brilliant minds could connect the mysteries for her. Gracie understands it is the mysteries that lead us.
It is Gracie’s intention to bring into awareness, sacred sexuality through the God and Goddess archetypical wisdom of healthy, mature sexuality for the sake of love, lust and spirituality.
I am going to speak to you in terms of psychology.. seeing the devil through the lens of his/her/it’s archetypical pattern or template.
The devil resents fear because fear is repression, repression .. the repression of the shadow self.. meaning the aspects of your personality that you wish to hide from the world..and the self denial that you preach to yourself. We repress when we push something into the unconscious..this is dangerous because then we have not learned coping skills as to how to handle what we have repressed…the devil is the darkness in your own psyche.. the more we restrict ourselves to not acting out on our base natures..the more chained and trapped we become by them.. we become deeply inhibited and locked down to the false personas that we have created in our own denial.
Once we face what we are hiding from ourselves and others.. a healthy positive release takes place..blocks and inhibitions are lifted causing one to bloom and expand..this takes place on an inner level..but of course one’s outer life also becomes free.
The devil does live in every single one of us..the most negative aspects of the devil are greed, addictions, selfishness, and intentionally hurting others..
Yet the devil has much to teach us about accepting and living in our flesh and bone.. the devil can help us see that we must manipulate to make our way with in a world that we have all created.. we must maneuver to find our place and make headway on the game board of life.. is this earthly playing field.. We are all “The Prodigal Son” born to fall and make mistakes.. prone to devil’s play.. to throw caution to the wind.. spend all of our money, having fun and playing games.. having sex for the pure sake of slaking lust.. ” What happens in Vegas..stays in Vegas” We must all indulge in the lusts of life..fall hard..and then come to asking the self for forgiveness ..as it was ourselves that we had forsaken.. the higher Christ like self..responsible, passive..
But to deny the self of the entire self..the shadow aspects.. or the aspects of high awareness or enlightened thought and behaviors.. is to be in ignorance..
Many on a spiritual path..deny the devil’s lust with in..to have it surface with explosive and destructive behaviors.. when we put ourselves up so high..the fall will be a mighty fall..
To deny the root of ones humanity.. is to lay a path of ignorance and darkness within.. the search for the light being taken over by the ego after all..
And so it is..give room for your devils..sit with them..and have drink.. they are more helpful than you think.
It wasn’t my initial intention to turn to celibacy .. like many places we find ourselves in; it is the journey of life that takes us there.
I am a very sexual and sensual woman; I am healthy, I have a high sex drive; I am in the prime of my sexuality..being in my forties; but I am a very sensitive, loving woman..and I found that I couldn’t get that back from others.
I have been celibate for over a year..well over a year. I found that the men I was with were very selfish in bed..and out of the bedroom. They objectified me, and expected me to fit into their lives while making no room in their own lives for me; accept for when it suited them. I found myself becoming emotionally depleted, I found them to clutter up my thoughts with their neediness and selfishness; I felt a lack of any spiritual connection ( soul to soul contact) and I was very physically sexually frustrated.
Simply put; sexually I can pleasure myself and satisfy myself without all immaturity and head games of men who really don’t know how to be men.
I would rather go on living my own life then waste my time on men that simply do not deserve me.
It has become a journey of self nurturing and learning how to channel my need for intimacy into being intimate with myself on every level..
But of course I still long for someone who is able to actually be present with me. Someone with similar interest, of health and who is as driven as I am. Someone who accepts me for me, someone to talk to, to cuddle, to share food with, I long for deep lasting eye contact, and passionate lovemaking .. sometimes it seems like it will never happen again..and I get very sad; but I am not willing to be with a selfish man, I am not willing to hurt myself even deeper by letting myself down..to let someone emotionally injure me just so I can meet a sexual need.
I am not judging others; and I am not saying this should ring true for anyone else..it is just were I am at in my life and were I have been for over the last year..
I pour myself into my workouts and my writing; into mothering my children.. into life.
Professionally I have been called many names because of my website; I have endured so much prejudice and outright hatred ..because I am seen as a whore; I am seen as a woman asking for it; as I put myself out there sexually; even in a professional way, I am not seen as professional because I am a woman using her own nudity to express sacred sexuality..and healthy sexuality and women’s freedom of expressing and living in their own sexuality.. I am seen as asking for abuse by others in my local community..
And so I have to self protect; I have to draw my energy and all my resources into me; to be there for me, because no one else has loved me and protected me..
And so it is I Plea Celibacy.
My imagination was and still is my saving grace.. my special place to run when the world has caused me to come undone.. my inner world, were tame becomes wonderfully wild.
My first memories are memories of abuse from my father.. I escaped into books and art.. I walked the cosmos inside.
I walked on stardust.. I danced on moonbeams.. and then I played on soft beams of sunshine.. no one could touch me on the inside.. the journey and the adventure deep within my soul.
I gained this wisdom early on.. it helped me through the death of my sister ..as she died and even after she was gone we walked the cosmos together .. we communicated in this magical place.. she came to me in dreams telling me of her impending death ( transformation) she came to me in the great void to give my heart fair warning.. and there she visited me ..as she died ..we went hand in hand to walk on stardust and moonbeams.. clothed in mystery we found wisdom in death together..and after her transformation..she showed me how to fly.. how to transcend this word .. how to rise above the earth to the temple within..she brought me into the light…a beautiful sacrifice .. accepting change.
The babies that passed on within me.. they meet me there.. because love lives on and on.. they taught me how to swim in the sparkling sea of brilliant tears..they taught me how to swim through my emotions.. in this inner place of soulful mystery.
As my marriage ended..as he went to another woman to find his fun.. I found my solace here in the inner sun.. I walked the cosmos.. I walked within to find my strength in adversity..and as I walked the earth outside in the sun..crying tears alone .. I felt the cosmos hold me.. as it was within me..
I found my comfort, as I felt the spirit of the stars and planets guiding me .. the holy and the sacred..saying ” This way.. walk away into infinity.”
And now as I ascend the world from the inner door.. I look down and see how he stayed were he was while I journeyed on and on.. higher and higher .. like an eagle on an upwind.. I rise.. I walk the cosmos..
I walk through the doorway..to this magic place..through my art and self expression.. I find myself.. when I forget myself..
I humble myself.. swim in and through tears.. flow..as I let go of what I thought I had known..facing weaknesses..building strength..
I learned in this place of wisdom.. that the doorway though is deep inside me and you..
You can walk the cosmos.. by just letting go.
Through creativity you create vastness..
We can spend an entire lifetime trying to please others having never truly lived.. such is the price of perfect.. or seeming to be so. Don’t we all see this in the perfect social personality that others portray; be it in person or on their social profile.. Its funny how many seem to need the PERFECT PERSON to be their GURU.. I have problems with this..I have problems with fluffy, fake spirituality and fluffy, fake anything…this is not true enlightenment or living in reality at all.. it is making the darkness conscious that we come to the light of our soul.. so what does that look like?
It is tempering.. it is blending the spiritual and the physical.. it is understanding that we live in material world in the flesh and blood as spiritual beings living in the flesh and blood.. it is understanding the ego..that we are indeed having a separate experience in living but in the spirit we are all connected as a whole in that we are all of the same energy that is all creation.. so denying the needs of the flesh.. like being a sexual being or the need to make money for creature comforts is indeed ignoring the darkness and not bring it into the light.. but living to deeply in the material world and using spirituality to create propaganda ( a polished lie.. like many cults and religions) is denying the darkness again..as it is the ego that lies for manipulation and control over others.. so it is those who live only for money are lacking enlightenment and those who live only in the spirit are indeed lacking enlightenment as both are denying the darkness or lying to the self about the ego..the dark ego that lives to look down on others..as it be with wealth, fame and fortune or by judging others as not being as Spiritual as them.. true enlightenment is seeing perfection as false and fake..and true enlightenment is accepting all the parts of the self and all the parts of others..and by seeing we are all imperfect; true forgiveness is possible by all..as we are all prone to fall from grace.. this is how world peace will come about. The Unknown parts of the self and in all creation are the mystical made known..as the unknown is always present..as perfection and the search of it the true flaw.
The God and Goddess wisdom teaches us that we are indeed the savior that we seek..that we are indeed the Divine in physical form.. just look in the mirror to see GOD or GODDESS.. we are the energy of all creation..want a miracle .. listen to your heart beat.. look outside and watch the sunrise and sunset.. Every mystical text.. every holy book, every prophecy was metaphorical.. it was to be understood as the dreamscape .. the land of dreams inside of each soul and mind and heart.. it was to be understood as the human experience of growth and true evolution..to to be taken as literal.. it was the ego that did this.. it was fear that caused humanity to kill in the name of religion.. we have been acting like children..very evil children as we have denied the darkness for far to long.. we have denied are primal needs for sex..and for just being in our truth.. we have lied to keep up face..we have been fake and fearful..
It is time now that we see who and what we really are..that we see we are the metaphor .. we are Gods and Goddesses..
Let us not deny our true story.. let us speak, live and be in our truth..
Let us be loving and forgiving..and let us not deny our roots.. to be sensual and spiritual..as this is the true blending of the opposites the darkness made conscious.. humanity coming into the light by full awareness of the unknown..as it is acceptable to be wild and real… and DIVINE
I am empty.. my self interest gone.
I learned this from my sister as she was passing on.
She came to me in deep darkness of the night.. her body miles away in the hospital but still she spoke to me up close and personal.
She showed me in dreams and visions how her ego peeled away as she was being made ready to walk through the doorway.
She was frightened, hanging on.. as she feared the nakedness of her soul.. so vulnerable to be exposed
She came to me in this time..she was letting go of her own story..the story of lies owned by the ego.
The ego like a cloak covering up the true power of the soul…the ego was afraid to die.. as her soul knew there was no death.
Then she came to me in the morning light.. in the Garden of the Souls..as light as light..she told me of real power.
We are so much more than this..we are so much more than what we see.. we are royalty.
And so it is.. in my living body I am attempting to do the same..as she told I would eventually.
This is why she came to me.. to show me how.. to show me how to let go of me and the lies I tell myself.
I prepare to walk through..in this deep dark day and night.. into the light..
I new reality is bursting forth.. lies will be shown..so I learn to carry them no more.
I learn humility and vulnerability of admitting my lie is me.
I suggest that you listen to the music above to submerge yourself into this writing.
It is now that we are being asked to surrender ourselves, to dive deeply into powerful emotional, sexual and spiritual waters.. it is now that all the energies are merging into the unification of the sacred marriage of the light and the dark.. it is the time of the New Golden Age as all of the most ancient of memories and wisdoms combine upon us.. and yes it is the Masculine and the Feminine that Unite.. as Mother Earth rises to her Groom.. Father Sky and we are the re-born children of this sacred submission and surrender..as they both..both of these energies surrender and submit in their sacred love to one another.
We are over taken by the flow of this energy as it is like two rivers converging upon each other in a new ocean of divine understanding.. we are taken over by emotions.. by passions..of the need to express love and compassion.. this we do when we ourselves are expressed in the postive.
Those that I am concerned for are those who are living in the negative as the negative expression of this is hate towards the opposite sex.. it is expressed in the need to do harm to other’s or to the self.. this is an important message to those who are heart-sick with bitterness, revenge .. those who live for only money wealth or greed.. it is time to put yourselves in order..as these feelings will only intensify as we approach the middle of this month November 2012.. as all will come to to a climax then.. it is important that you reach a stage of forgiveness as this hatred will not be felt by those you will not forgive but will manifest it’s self 100x within the self.. as it is never those that we hate that feel the hate.. it is only you that feels the hate within your heart.. it is you that will sink under these emotional swells.. these huge waves of intense emotion that are beginning to gain momentum right now.. you must unload your burdens are you will drown yourself.. as all that you carry now must be let go of.. it is sink or swim.. or better yet float with the current..
It is important that we ground our root chakra deep within.. deep roots to maintain balance..take care of body and soul.. as the roots need to anchor you so that you are not swept away in what feels like madness..express your sexuality.. eat healthy..get outside.. move your bodies.. and then go deep within..
This the age of wisdom.. and so it is this month we will feel it rushing in.. those who are sensitive to spiritual energies..will feel down loaded.. we will share our message..we will make new connections..and we will keep connecting out..as the hive of the mind buzzes with new life and new thought..as the DNA is re-connected..and the passages of the mind that have not been of use in the past..will take up life..the will make connections..and a new awareness shall take up like never before..or it will simply be understood by that of memory..we will remember of the time before this time..were we will know our divinity and that we are all indeed Gods..the Christ Mind takes up..all and everyone a divine spark..we come together..and the Divine Fire.. explodes.. THE AGE OF WISDOM.
Wisdom from each and every culture from every understanding upon the Earth..and then the Wisdom of the Heavens shall flood the Earth..
This is the time to set yourself in order..all that needs to be sorted within the self..shall be rearranged; it is now..this is the time of cleansing..
This energy is very sensual..very deep as it takes place in the sign of Scorpio..and then when the cleansing of deep emotion runs it’s course the wisdom of Sagittarius and Mercury takes up.. wisdom with swift movement..all comes rushing in..the new begins..accelerated change..The Golden Age.
I have searched for love out side of myself.. only to find it evade me like the mist… to evaporate as I tried to grasp at it.
I have listened to others tell me who I am and what I want.. only to be left wanting.
I have had my emotions controlled by men who tell me what I want to hear..as they feed off of my my energy.. and I have been left ..not empty..but with just parts of me..as I have given away to them what they truly stole away from me.. and so it is that I have searched for the key..but I have searched for this key outside of me.
I blamed myself.. for their lack.. I saw this lack as something lacking in me..and so again the pattern emerged inside of me..as pieces that I missed.. ohhh how I missed myself ..all the time thinking that it was someone else that I missed.. feeling lonely for what I thought was him.. but all along it was me I missed.
I listened to words of idealized romance.. I listened to him speak only of himself.. I listened to him tell me what his needs were.. I listened to him as he told me who he was and what he believed in.. I listened to him as he tried to make me into what he thought was his ideal.. I listened and I listened as I was nothing but stealing away from myself..but I blamed him.
And so it is just very recently it happened again..a man that seemed like a God.. who told me when I was dreaming of Angels it was him I was dreaming of.. he told me he was the other half of me..and he believed that women were empty without men but men were filled endlessly.. yes he said he loved me, yes no one could compare to the love that he had for me and that I should have for him.. just believe in him..and only him, faithlessly as this would prove my enlightenment and that I am indeed worthy of such a great love that only he.. my Twin Flame could give to me and I to him..and so it is the power began to shift from me to a man. It was all to be on his timing and his plan.. as it was all in his sense of good timing that we should be together..and then I felt the drain again… but this time..a light came on.
I found the key..to my patterns.. I found my heart.
I found that love has always been with me and that I have never been empty.. and any man or person who needs to steal energy from me.. has not found this key.
I found the love.. I found that it exists in the moment..of gratitude for all that is.. I am complete.. I am in contact with my higher self.. I am the Angel in my dreams..not him or anyone else.. I am the love that I seek..and it has always been so.. am The Bride and The Groom..in knowing this I am whole.
I walked in to the shadows.. In the light of my awareness of who I truly am..my shadow self becomes so much less..as I am so much more in my new awareness.
My Angelic Self.. lifts me up from the ashes.. as I am transformed.. I am that I am.. there needs be no more..than this.. I am love
And so it is…
I wed bliss..