Archive for the ‘poetry for emotional healing’ Category

About the games that he plays

 

I just wanna talk about the games that he plays.. how he takes what is whole to break it down.. just because… he is broken..

I wanna tell you how he is afraid to feel.. to face the emptiness he fills with brutality and cruelty.. just so he doesn’t have to cry.. I know why.. I know why.. why he plays these silly games to hide.. to hide from what he feels inside.. it’s so much easier just to fuck than it is to make love… so much easier it is for him.. conditioned as he is… to run away from a gentle touch.. as it hurts so much to look inside and not hide.. not hide from all the fears buried long ago.. long ago when he was a little boy.. and he was told he was a coward when he cried so now he hides behind guns and knives.

He hides behind the steel and the iron that he lifts to make strong on the outside… but inside he crumbles in the night.. alone with his thoughts he cannot hide.. any longer,.. and that is when he cries.. silent tears full of pride.and shame.. so much shame in having a tender heart.. so much shame in feeling everything.. that when he is given love.. when he is given compassion and a hug… he pushes away.. refusing to give way.. least the tenderness inside she should find… for if she did what would he have, to power play..to game her away..

Under all the steel, the bullets and the blades.. through the razor wire .. through the brutality and the mock cruelty is a little boy inside.. just wanting to be freed from the man in the beast..

But the closer that she gets to setting the child in him free the more he shows coldness and calculations to manipulate her away in fear.. he will do whatever it takes… pulling out his bag of tricks and snakes… anything to get her away..and off the path to his heart least it should break.. but little does he know.. and little is he aware.. that if he should let her in the pieces of his heart she will repair.. but he will not relent.. he has to win. .. he is hell bent…because he lives in the hell that he creates by not turning on the light inside of his own soul that only love can make bright..

And so it is he lets his demons out.. hell fire and brimstone .. bullets blazing, knives glazing soft exposed heart.. bruising and abusing her very soul..and her skin… he refuses to let her in… chasing her away with all it takes.. not relenting not giving in or giving her her a break from the storm within him… and so she runs to save herself from him..

And even though she grieves for the little boy inside of him.. she knows she must surrender ..it is a battle that cannot be won by either one..and so he has the field.. the swords all belong to him..and the knives and the horses and all the men.. and all the metals and power.. but even then.. the battle inside rages on inside of him.. as his heart remains broken..

Shattered and torn, red and raw..bloodied and bleeding sorrows uncried least it should shame him as not a man.. as weak as weakling.. as the boy he has abandoned that was abandoned long ago.. he sits alone… all alone..

Organic Love

 

I think this is the ideal of love but not the reality of love.. so I am going to do something completely different.. I am going to turn it around.. from a purified, pasteurized love into something realistic, organic, whole and honest..

 

I will not always be patient.. but I will still love you

I will sometimes be unkind.. but I will still love you

I will get jealous from time to time.. but I will still love you

I will brag, be arrogant and forget myself in my ego.. but I will still love you

I will be rude sometimes.. but I will still  love you

I will be selfish now and then.. but I will still love you

I will get angry and loose my temper now and then… but I will still love you

I will tell little white lies .. but I will still love you

I will loose hope and become sad and depressed from time to time .. but I will still love you..

I know that love cannot always endure all things.. like big lies, and affairs.. addictions..and abuse..

I know that loosing trust breaks the bonds of love.. and I understand that is the reality..

That things can be forgiven but never forgotten..and sometimes we have to love each other from a distance..

Sometimes we have to move on and find another to love..

I understand that love is not perfect.. because people are not perfect..

But when we really love someone we don’t hold them up to impossible standards..

We just treat each other the best we can..

Because real love is raw..

It is passion..

It is compassion..

What Scares Me About Love

 

When I fall in love.. I fall hard.. it scares me because I want to trust him completely. When I fall in love I am loyal to a fault. I will fight for him, I will let no one hurt him. When I fall in love, I love him; not his money, not his social status, not his things, his friends or his family..  When he falls I want to be the one to pick him up. I want to nurture him.. heal him .. I want to be the one he vents all of his fears and frustrations to..and then I will be the one to keep every one of his secrets.. I want him to know I am safe for him to be who he really is.. I will be his best friend.

The world is so broken to think it is all just about sex and money.. when it is the heart to heart connection that I crave ( it is why I am still alone.. I have not found a man brave enough to let me into his heart ) I have not found a man that can love with the vulnerability that I can.. I have not met my partner.

What I fear the most about love is simply that the world has forgotten about love. The world has made sex so dirty. The relationships between men and women so empty..

I fear being in a relationship just for money.. I fear the control and the coldness..the lack of self respect leading to no respect in a relationship based on finances and sex.. I fear being with the broken down cold hearted majority.. I can not live that way.. I would rather be alone.

The thought to being alone for the rest of my life also scares me..because the ghost of the man I long for would follow me..but like a dream..fade in the light of day.. leaving me longing for what might of been.. this also makes me sad.

But after years of being married to an empty man I can not allow coldness back in..as my heart is finally warming.. filled with passion and life again.

I would rather be alone and dream of the man that would make me feel loved and safe again.. I would rather struggle on my own with lack of money and the finer things.. then let someone else’s ice settle around my heart again..

I would rather be alone and dream of my dream of him than settle for anything less than true love again.

HELL IN DISGUISE

 

 

The seduction is the world, it is the ego telling you your lies are true, it is the ego saying give them sweet lies.. give them words that you don’t live by..and then confuse them by telling them that is how they will find a storyteller; but the entire time it is you..tell them to be kind while secretly you are cruel..tell them to include others while secretly you and them only live for you.. living in a lie, if it is told to a select few it is so easy to do.. give it them with tears in your eyes..being kind to those who don’t need you to..and exclude from your party of fake and phony friends..the real people who need you to extend a hand.. this how you end up in the place were you are.. in a place of the back biting snake den that you thought was heaven but it is really your self created hell. You call them friends, but they only will accept your lies as soon as you try to break free they will be pulling you back in..they will whisper seductions of conformity..they will tell you just to calm down as they like the illusions that you have built with them.. cause you can feast with them, and you can have speaking engagements with them and tell yourself and them it such an important message..that never leaves your circle or your snake den.. you and your fake friends.. no you can never leave magician your caught in your own silky smooth talken..so eat your nice little chief’s surprise..and your specialty deserts.. and stab it with your knives.. and keep living in your sweet seductive lies.. like your bullshit, like your fake friends, like the shiny brass lives you love to lie in.. I would rather die.

 

Hotel California

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
Ad she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted
She got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said ‘We haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They’re livin’ it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (What a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling
The pink champagne on ice
And she said ‘We are all just prisoners here, of our own device’
And in the master’s chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can’t kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
‘Relax’, said the night man
We are programmed to receive
You can checkout any time you like

To all the fake in Kelowna..fluffy..fluff blowing in the wind.

Never Broken

 

 

 

 

I thought I was the one that was broken.

I offered you love.

I offered you commitment.

I offered you compassion.

I offered you innocence.

I offered you faith.

I offered you hope.

I offered you TRUTH.

You rejected me.

You lied to me.

You used me to make yourself feel important.

You made me believe that I was weak.

You made me think I had to become what you wanted.

You made me feel that nothing was good enough.

You made me feel that I was never good enough.

You told me I was crazy.

You told me I was broken.

You told me I was like the rest of the damaged ones.

You made me feel damaged.

You made me feel less than you.

You told me I was not enough.

You told me you couldn’t be with me in a relationship.

You made me feel like I was only sex.

But now I know the truth..the truth of you and all the ones like you who did the same to me.

All these things you told me I was.. all these things you had me feel I was..

It was you all along.

Your scared.

Your afraid of love.

You are weak.

You needed me to feel important by making me feel like less.

Fame, social standing and money mean everything to you.. not to me.

You are weak.

You can’t face the truth.

You feel small.

You feel less than me.

You are crazy because you can’t let yourself love.

You just care about sex and you fear true intimacy.

It was never me who was broken.

I was always here and always whole.

I was always enough.

I am enough.

It is you who are broken.

I am brave enough to love.

I am strength,

I always was.

 

 

This is for all the men I have dated and who have romanced me. This is my (light) turning on.

I am Nothing

 

 

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing at all

I am just a story that I tell myself

I am not a lover

I am not a friend

I am not mother

I am not the end

I am not a woman

I am not a soul

I am not that I am not and this makes me whole

 

I am not the savior

I am not the saint

I am not the sacrifice

I am not to blame

I am not the reason

I am not the flame

I am not that I am not and this makes me whole

 

I am not of this world

I am not of the next

I am not the answers

I am not what you suspect

I am not love

I am not hatred

I am not that I am not and this makes me whole

 

I am not what you want

I am not what I want

I am not what you need

I am not what I need

I am not what you and I see

I am not that I am not and this makes me whole

 

I am not what you seek

I am not your dream

I am not what I seek

I am not my dream

I am not the dream

I am not

I am not

I am not

 

anything

but

I am

whole

Chasing The Moon

 

 

 

Do not set a place for me.

I will not enter in.. I know it is but a golden cage, that you wish to capture me in.

You have set the table.. you have prepared the food, you have set the mood..but it is not for love and for loving me.. you only wish to feed your lust from me.

Oh the illusion is so sweet, flowers and candlelight for you and me..fruit and cream..but it is all just a means to seduce me.

But the seduction is not for love, it is not true romance.. just lies of the flesh.. just a lie as you wish to make me your concubine as you see in me no decency.

I know for the last man who had me enter in.. I sat with him in the place that he had set for me.. a delusion of romance and loveliness..all just smoke and mist.

Like a child I trusted this.. I trusted him to be true.. I trusted everything he said.. I trusted the sweet lie.

I drank the wine.. I ate and I dinned ..then soon it was me he feasted upon.. he ate my heart .. he made me cry.. he made me fall into sorrow..because I believed in him.

And so it is.. I will not sup with you.. I will not dine in your worldliness, I do not want to be used like this.. I do not want to feel hopeless.

I run into the forest..chasing moonbeams on my own.. all alone.. until I find the wild soul ..the soul that reflects my own.

He is the wild man.. he is an honest man..the poet and the artist..

I will find him there like me..chasing the moonbeams.

Purity

 

 

 

 

And so it is with great reflection and meditation that I have decided to let go of my delusion, yes it is the illusion..the self-deception that I dig this grave. Yes here it is within this pit that I chose my spoilage.. it will be through this putrefaction that I will experience my purification .. like the delicate bride, dainty, sweet and innocent, I will then again rise..but on this day I die.

For the old me did deceit myself..”The smiler with the knife and cloak”.. I lied.. I lied.. I lied. For you see it was the lying that I hated the most..the ones who hid from the truth but as it is, I soon found I believed the lies because I lied to myself. I knew the truth..deep inside, I hid it within blaming others for my calamities that were mine because I lied that they were not lies..and so it is I come here to purify my soul.. I come to decompose.

This treacherous thing that I once was must once and for all return to the dust..ah yes to resolve the dept upon my soul..to be made once again ” as pure as the driven snow” and so it is that the funeral begins to banish and to exorcise what no longer serves me in this life.. ah yes it has to die.

Like a tree in the the Autumn all must fall away.. the fruit so ripe that it drops, tumbles down to meet it’s reduction on the ground.. ah yes all must descend to meet it’s end..topple, topple down… to decay down to the core as the little vermin disassemble further more the life and energy therein…such imperfection working for perfection. Like the apple so the bone..flesh slowly decomposed as tiny insects play within creating the decrenscendo..bring all to the earth again.

As a blanket, I cover myself with the rich rotting stench of the soil and my dead self.. am not asleep, no just resting here for a while.

I become nothing but the seeds with in the fruit; that is now nothing due to the savage deterioration .. oh the sweet beauty of decomposition.. to purge..to clean the bone so white.. to take what was old and renew it for another life.

Death so sweet so easy to surrender, what was once brutal now so tender.. gentle and humane..we all must die to the self again and again..

Beauty and romance.. in a death that knows it’s time and place..

And so it is I die with grace.

The Best Place To Cry

The Best Place To Cry.

Please Forgive Me

Please Forgive Me.

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