I just wanna talk about the games that he plays.. how he takes what is whole to break it down.. just because… he is broken..
I wanna tell you how he is afraid to feel.. to face the emptiness he fills with brutality and cruelty.. just so he doesn’t have to cry.. I know why.. I know why.. why he plays these silly games to hide.. to hide from what he feels inside.. it’s so much easier just to fuck than it is to make love… so much easier it is for him.. conditioned as he is… to run away from a gentle touch.. as it hurts so much to look inside and not hide.. not hide from all the fears buried long ago.. long ago when he was a little boy.. and he was told he was a coward when he cried so now he hides behind guns and knives.
He hides behind the steel and the iron that he lifts to make strong on the outside… but inside he crumbles in the night.. alone with his thoughts he cannot hide.. any longer,.. and that is when he cries.. silent tears full of pride.and shame.. so much shame in having a tender heart.. so much shame in feeling everything.. that when he is given love.. when he is given compassion and a hug… he pushes away.. refusing to give way.. least the tenderness inside she should find… for if she did what would he have, to power play..to game her away..
Under all the steel, the bullets and the blades.. through the razor wire .. through the brutality and the mock cruelty is a little boy inside.. just wanting to be freed from the man in the beast..
But the closer that she gets to setting the child in him free the more he shows coldness and calculations to manipulate her away in fear.. he will do whatever it takes… pulling out his bag of tricks and snakes… anything to get her away..and off the path to his heart least it should break.. but little does he know.. and little is he aware.. that if he should let her in the pieces of his heart she will repair.. but he will not relent.. he has to win. .. he is hell bent…because he lives in the hell that he creates by not turning on the light inside of his own soul that only love can make bright..
And so it is he lets his demons out.. hell fire and brimstone .. bullets blazing, knives glazing soft exposed heart.. bruising and abusing her very soul..and her skin… he refuses to let her in… chasing her away with all it takes.. not relenting not giving in or giving her her a break from the storm within him… and so she runs to save herself from him..
And even though she grieves for the little boy inside of him.. she knows she must surrender ..it is a battle that cannot be won by either one..and so he has the field.. the swords all belong to him..and the knives and the horses and all the men.. and all the metals and power.. but even then.. the battle inside rages on inside of him.. as his heart remains broken..
Shattered and torn, red and raw..bloodied and bleeding sorrows uncried least it should shame him as not a man.. as weak as weakling.. as the boy he has abandoned that was abandoned long ago.. he sits alone… all alone..
A touch of madness as he smiles slyly to the side.. looking over his shoulder and I don’t know why.. and then he cries.. as the blood paints the moon.. a ride, a tide of rawness, make vulnerable brute force.. a contradiction, paradox.. a question answered with a question only leading to more questions that have no answers.. a chest of mystery.. red washed in passion and shame.. unspoken broken dreams..shattered hearts..brought together,.. repelling ..and then compelling .. magnetic pleasure and pain.. his expression masked then it falls and I see what he hides… or do I …
When the blood hits the moon.. when the blood hits the moon..
He tells me nothing, while meaning everything.. nothing matters making everything so plain… as there isn’t a tomorrow, the night is day..and what was sane is really crazy or is there no definition to anything.. and then he touches me .. I listen to his heartbeat from the inside.. mighty but exposed, protected but defenseless because I know the unknown.. but yet the thickness of the walls uphold .. the ultra-sensitive genius .. the caul..the mark of the mad, or is it the wise old soul.. the heart trembles as the blood rushes home..
When the blood fever takes hold.. when the blood fever takes hold..
I try to speak but no words can I make as his nakedness presses against mine, and entwined we become nothing at all but seeing more than what we can comprehend .. we forget everything we have ever known..but blood and wine, pleasure and pain, beauty in the brutality of sweet things left alone.. unopened gifts, and mysteries, things yet to be discovered.. to not know them, but the taste is so sweet, and the heartache so bitter, so bitter to know the honey that dwells there in.. there in the nightmare, the hellish places lives a thrill that makes me cry out.. and the tears release the pressure of heart about to explode..
Blood on the moon.. Blood on the moon..
The intensity gravitates us to the emancipation of the soul.. blood and bone.. bruised fruit.. ripened with fear..the emotions exposed..the juice flows and drips.. gushes forth..laughter on his lips.. the potion the poison and the elixir..to drive out the demons.. lovely demons.. the voices that speak quietly when no one listens.. playing games and tickling the lips of words not spoken.. closing in ..a heart again.. mushy and raw..pulp and all.. sometimes the decay is so sweet as it creates the wine that we drink.. it down.. the poison that cures it all.. all but the madness of the blood red moon..
I am really mad at myself.. because I fell into a mental and emotional trap .. the trap of slut shaming. When I first put up my website and published my book a couple of years ago.. well I was a freer spirit. It was like the fools leap, child’s play, art with absolute abandon.. much like I am in the bedroom, playful, passionate, affectionate and very physical. I am an intellectual, I am experimental and very open minded.. but silly little me I didn’t take into account how many people in my local community are exactly the opposite of me; and I hadn’t really socialized with anyone in my local professional community to know what a bunch of fake and repressed bunch they all are.. and so once I attempted to network within that community I was quickly give a BAD REP.. like they didn’t even know me personally but because I was topless on my blog and because I was talking candidly and openly about sexuality.. I was instant white trash, laughable slut material to them.. to make a long story short it all rubbed off on me.. like invisible blood spatter.. pretty soon I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually downing in this shame.. that wasn’t even mine.. and it began to sink in subconsciously .. after a sexual encounter with a local popular and wealthy business man..who afterwards sexually shamed me by telling me he couldn’t socialize with me but only have sex with me privately… I plunged into celibacy.. like it was over 2 years of being closed off physically and emotionally to men because of him..and the business community. And so I told myself, I was protecting my heart, and I was, but I was also making excuses for not facing my fears.. and my fear was them.. whoever they are.. there are so many of them.. putting their religious and flaky spiritual beliefs into my head and onto my body.. saying to me sex has to be within this or that context or you are nothing more than a slut.. like an animal to be dehumanized by us..and they did just that. And I suppose I must have believed them.. as I purified my blog, taking topless pictures of myself down, deleting blog post, and being sexless myself. It wasn’t me .. that isn’t me. I am not that person; they are, they feared me and so they imposed those fears onto me..becoming my jailers.. that is what happened..and I wasn’t strong enough to stand up until now.
A young man kissed me.. or I kissed him.. and he awakened me.. I was frozen so, cold .. I was deadened.. after he kissed me I verbally said ” Thank you” it was like my subconscious said it.. ” Thank you, thank you for freeing me, thank you for igniting my fire… thank you ”
And I came to realize that sex is pro choice.. that it is my body, it is my sexuality, even when I am sharing my body with another, it is mine. No one has a right to tell me my sexuality or me having sex with anyone else is bad.. even if I write about my sexual experiences in great detail,, if they don’t like it they can fucking move on, they can fuck off. How is it hurting them? Oh they think they can judge me or others as demoralizing society by owning my own body? Wtf? So they think they own the rights to my sexuality? They think that I have to wait for love and marriage or I am whore? Fuckem! I am a beautiful sexual woman, I am not going to stay in a frozen purified state, and shrivel up and die waiting for the right guy to come along.. and what is the right guy? And how the fuck does love start to begin with..but with a healthy dose of LUST..and who says I cannot just want lust for awhile..who says? Prudes that’s who says, people afraid of being free themselves who wish they were as free as I am .. or people with little to no sex drive who wish they has my appeal and stamina.. well that’s their fucking problem isn’t it.. ya it is!
It doesn’t make me shallow, or selfish to want to explore my sexuality with a younger man ( be a cougar ) can if I want to! And when I meet someone I want to be in a long term relationship regardless of his age…can if I want to.
And I know this for sure.. if I was a old lady out of her sexual prime… that had Dr.. in front of my name ( clinical and sterile ) no one in Canada would have an issue with me being about sexuality .. but because I am hot and sexy I am a threat to society.. that is fucking stupid..and I am not going to allow society to sexually sterilize me again.. I will do what I want with my sex, and with walking my talk I can more effectively teach sexual freedom.. cause I am free now.
It is interesting.. I say it is interesting because my mind works that way. Somehow I am able to rise above emotions and see things just in patterns or circumstance..so it is interesting that people have labeled me a victim due to my book and website that are about the freedom of women’s sexuality and about creating women’s equality through their sexual freedom.. it’s interesting because this is what makes all women victims of society and because I spoke out about it, I am about it; the victimizations have been placed on to me.. interesting yes?
I have been shunned by the professional community, I have been labeled as ” inappropriate ” for speaking out about those who sexually harassed me, who spread rumors about me, have outright told me not to show up at professional events, or who have ignored my request to join organizations or who have outright denied me the same rights as others, or equalities because I dared to show them what was unequal. I brought to their attention ( Rape culture thinking and attitudes ) to have them, then express them to me.. and then upon speaking out about these people and the inhuman things that they did to me I was then labeled as enraged, crazy, vengeful and revenging.. when simply I was pointing out the facts of the situations and behaviors. Interesting how blind people are to patterns and behaviors.. how blind we become to thinking something highly dysfunctional as normal and rational.. then calling the person who is being rational .. crazy.. but isn’t this the ” Crazy making behavior ” that is placed on to women by emotionally controlling and abusive men? To answer the question.. yes it is.. it is even a relevant term. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.
But it is a cruel and unforgiving world for most women who exist and express themselves outside of social norms and nice-ities .. niceness is treasured regarding women. Without male approval the world becomes a dangerous place and love and acceptance are held back from the woman who steps out of line; who miss behaves past the lens of male approval.. and so it is she becomes a victim by straying past her allotted boundaries .. how dare she. But isn’t that much like an abusive relationship? To answer the question.. yes it is. Because a man must control his woman by societies standards to be a real man ( bully ) because society bullies women, abuses women, we are not safe without male protection but then society makes sure we are not safe from him.. because he has more rights than she does..and so Grace is hard to find..
Love is hard to find if it doesn’t include equality..than and even then..is there love without equality?. How civilized are we that men do not truly protect women but instead use their physical strength as a brute force measure to keep women world wide in line? ” You have come along way baby.” is a farce.. women’s rights a joke.. smoke and mirrors as we are not truly free. Every woman; should she be like me is one small step away from victim blaming, slut shaming and rape culture thinking..that is ” your asking for sexual harassment, your asking for rape and at the least disrespect..”‘ because your skirt was to short, your make up to dark, you were out to late at night, you were having sex outside of marriage, you were raped on your date or beaten because you asked for it… ”
So the interesting thing is to look at my book and website, the photography the entire creation of expressing a woman’s sexuality; using myself as the control group..and you can see by the way I have been treated.. how I cannot be successful with this creation due to a male power based social system that will not allow it..because I am asking for it..for disrespect, to not be taken seriously..and then I am victim shamed for the victimiztions placed on women’s sexuality as an over all..
And so love is hard to find, as vulnerability and a soft heart are not protected by the male side of the human species .. but instead fed upon by inflated egos, lack of emotional intelligence and overall immaturity and ignorance.. yes Grace is hard to find
I believe that we have forgotten how to truly pleasure ourselves, we have been duped into thinking that pleasure is expensive when it is the simple things that bring the most pleasure. Women have become manicured, well behaved and seeking male approval and by doing so they have not learned how to pleasure their own minds, bodies, spirits and hearts. To be tamed is to become dried and brittle.. to be wild is be wet and and playful.. but we are made to believe that is when a woman becomes a slut. . I am always redefining everything.. even words are but nothing without the meaning that we put on them by our perspectives or social conditioning. Social conditioning is what tames the wild out of every woman.. when in fact a pleasure seeking slut is what she needs to become to set herself free… free to explore her own body, her sexual fantasies .. to touch her own skin, caress her own heart.. to think her own juicy thoughts..to run down that path.. to let her spirit guide her..
What does this contentment look like? How is it found? It is found in giving yourself permission to explore the sensual..if it be a lazy day in the sun, sleeping naked, savoring melted chocolate on your tongue.. to move your body through sensual dance our pounding strength workouts.. it comes by saying no.. no to those who drain a woman of her essence, demanding that she give all of her energy and time away, no to the games people play, saying no to others to make room for the self. To care about you, so that you can be more present in taking care of others..but truly even more succulent is to secretly not give a shit.. to rebel against the social norms of the well behaved woman.. to go deep into your own world and sexual fantasies and not be sorry one damn bit..
To imagine what you will about whom you will..to imagine him fucking you just the way you want him too.. to take the time alone in your room to eat dark chocolate, read erotica, listen to your favorite mood music and touch between your own softness.. to gush, to wither, to moan and thrash.. to be dripping, moist, fleshy and juicy just for you… to explore your darkest, dirtiest fantasy and not regret it.. don’t be sorry.
Succumb and submit to the erotic self… love your erect nipples, the the catching of your breath, the sweet softness of your own feminine flesh.. no matter your age or size.. no matter .. for you are a Goddess..
The wild calls to us.. it calls us back to our primitive nature.. to fill ourselves once more with sunshine, playtime, this horny lust for life that women have forgotten competing for male attention, competing as to who can work the hardest; complete the most tasks, work the longest hours.. while she should be sleeping, soaking up the sweet beauty of the night when she can… moonlight on her voluptuousness..star dust on her breast..
This dirty sin that we label as slutty .. that we call bad..this badness is so good, so right and erotically it is the elixir that we need to cure us..to make us and keep us wet… the climax of life, the orgasm that never lets up.
How much is she worth? If she isn’t young, if she has ” Been around” If she carries a few pounds, if she has had a few children? How much is she worth?
Sad and depressing for us women, sad and depressing for young girls.. we are fed this constantly, our virtue, our sexuality, our purity.. or worth based on what others judge as external beauty.. this amounts as to what we are worth.. those things are weighed and judged before intelligence, humor, empathy, talents or any other ability when a woman’s worth is calculated.. My teenage daughters are going through this right now as they reach the cusp, of the transformation of girlhood into womanhood.. and the insecurities mount.. even still I fight them..
I am in my 40s and ageing, I have had babies, I have a c-section scar.. I am into fitness but I have to stand my ground about how I want my body to look; as I don’t think body building is healthy for many reason..or the competing in beauty contest or body building contest.. I find them to be emotionally self defeating.. but people assume because I workout that I am looking to become this ideal..and I am just halfway there.. but I am not. I am competing with myself..
I not ” all that” I don’t think I am ” all that” I know I am very imperfect..but even with writing my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) and doing the photography in the book, being the model and showing my imperfections.. I still have body issues. I struggle with them. I struggle with the imperfections, and doing the self talk of ” I don’t have to be super skinny or super muscular to be beautiful and healthy, I can be my own version of me.” Yet going to the gym I am constantly shown women with this perfect fitness type of body… but many of them don’t seem too happy because it is a constant struggle.. I want to workout for the joy of moving my body and pushing my body to higher and higher limits.. I want to age gracefully.. I want to respect and honor were I am at this time in my life..not fight it or run from it..but honor my journey.. but also I know that age is just a number.. by doing this I am showing my daughters the way to self love and acceptance.. not body hate disguised as arrogance and false pride. I think being in this place of moderation but physical acceleration ( always pushing my limits with in my limits ) is truly healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy..
Like almost all women I have my body issues; of course I am shy about sharing my body with a lover for the first time, showing all my physical imperfections without perfect lighting or clothing to hide the parts of ourselves we all hide away. I have those days were I feel fat and bloated, wrinkled, and tired looking.. and I catch myself in negative self talk.. that is just being human.
The thing is this if women rate other women by looks we are keeping this insanity going; what does that mean ” Strong is the new beautiful or strong is the new skinny” ??? How about healthy is beautiful..being as healthy as you can be with what you are given is beautiful, smart is beautiful, being loving is beautiful, being caring is beautiful.. being talented is beautiful.. being your own unique self is REALLY BEAUTIFUL..
The persecution of women’s sexuality is exactly why I wrote my book…… so it shouldn’t be such a shock that I have faced intense persecution for writing said book. ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) you can find it on Amazon.ca
This madness has been going on since the dawn of the Christian age, or since the dawn of all male based organized religions.. do you really think the witch burnings were about witchcraft? No.. it was a way of controlling women’s sexuality and power. Usually the women that were burned were attractive, intelligent, natural doctors and healers, midwives, or just very independent women.. and by being so in charge of their own bodies and sexuality.. very powerful indeed.. as I have found out still very feared by society..and even by other women who have learned through social ( norms ) to work within this system..they find it a threat to have to face their own power past male approval.. and they find women in their sexual power to be a threat and so they compete with cruelty and social shunning of these women ( like me ) that they feel threaten their position with their men.. Yet it is women like me that will eventually free them from their sexual slavery in this male based ( still in the dark ages ) society..but some women have learned to love their captivity as it takes too much strength and courage to take a stand themselves..and to stand alone for themselves..and so instead they eat from the hand that metaphorically or actually beats them… because they fear the responsibility of being grown women striking out on their own.. doing it for themselves.. 99% of women cannot become successful without male money or approval..
Even if we look at the world of modeling and adult movies.. or Playboy.. these women are actually pimped..they earn a fraction of what the big male based, male run media structure makes off of them, their images, their sexuality..that is twisted into what they think men want to see.. not as to what, and who women actually are… so do you think they want to see my book succeed? How would that rock this industry if a woman, without male money, without male approval, backing of any sort..sold her own sexuality, her own image, in a raw and natural non pornographic form to teach other women how to own and stand in their own sexuality.. can’t say that revolution would go over to well.. and that is why women’s sex is either pornographic or puritan..because it takes power away from women..and puts their sexuality into the hands of men.. men who say that you are either a slut, whore, good girl or wife material.. that women can only be.. this or that..but not the full spectrum of who they are..because we can be wives, mothers, scientist, artist, and raw, sex and lustful when we want to be..when it suits us..not when it makes men comfortable…not when it makes us sellable, and objectified.. or weakened under control.. this is what many insecure men are afraid of.. being held accountable, being made to grow the fuck up and see women and accept them ( us ) for the fullness of who we are..
Why do you think we are made to feel dirty for menstruation? Why do you think women are made to feel dirty for liking sex and wanting lots of it? Why do you think women are made to feel like sluts for having multiple partners or for having sexual fantasies of sleeping with more than one man at a time? Why do you think these double standards exist? It is because men are insecure.. and other women who buy into this crap are afraid of being out-ed as bad girls, afraid of being ( ABANDONED) and so it is that the power holds sway..
I have had women say things to me like ” Stop pushing your body and sexuality onto everyone” meaning I am too afraid to do what you are doing so stop doing it because it shows me my fear..I don’t want to aware of this fear, my ignorance is bliss.. or men say to me ” How many men do you need?” meaning I am afraid of your sexuality because I am insecure that I am not enough for you..so I need to make you feel shameful because it makes me feel powerful, because when I am around a woman like you that knows her own body, knows what she wants, and what she likes.. I am afraid that I am not man enough to give it to you..so I am going to label you a bad girl and a slut..that way I don’t have to face this fear..instead I can be brutal and mean to you because you are putting it out there asking for it.. I am afraid you will laugh at me for not being able to satisfy you …
Of course all of these situations exist in every woman’s daily life to some degree or another.. when she goes to the beach and shows her body, when she get as a little drunk and a little loosened up.. when she is liking sex with him and suddenly he gets insecure about being enough for her..or who she was with before him.. ( was he better ) that is his worse fear..and that is why virginal good girls are wanted by these types of guys..
Yet there are men out there just waiting for our ( hell cat ) to become unleashed.. just yearning for a woman that can challenge him and get him burning hot.. those are the guys that are evolved and living in their true masculinity..they don’t feel the need to control a woman..actually they set her free..
I have found, through experience, Kelowna BC Canada is a loveless place…
Just seems that no matter how much I have reached out to people I just find I get nothing back. Nothing but empty promises of friendships or an echo of a promise of a potential lover.. So many say that they stand for this or that.. love, courage, bravery, equality, justice.. but it when it comes down to showing it through actions.. it never materializes into reality.. instead they don’t show up, or they remain silent when they should speak up..
Even now writing this I am washing things (memories) recent an old; around in my head thinking ” What is the point to even writing this” selfish people don’t care. I think the most fucked up thing is.. when I have the guts to write about what others don’t have the guts to even dare to think about.. these cowardly people are the the first to attempt to shut me up.. they are the ones who stood by and watched me get bullied out of my old gym.. they are the ones that shut me out of networking events and organizations.. making it impossible for me to promote my book on a local scale.. making it then even harder for me to promote my book on a global scale with out a local platform.. These are the ones that said they were my friends within the local arts community.. who never spoke up for me..when they had the power to make a difference.. because they didn’t want their own personal comfort put at risk with in Kelowna’s social network.. nope they sit and stuff their faces with wine and cheese, take in the local events, network with the organizations that I am not welcome to attend.. yet they know deep within that they are selfish cowards…
Even looking at the men that I cared about.. whom I thought were my friends, whom I thought could be my friends..and a very select few whom I had considered as lovers… they shrank back too.. professing to be about courage, masculinity, authenticity, truth, upholding what is right.. justice.. yet I had nothing to offer them.. no social connections, no money, and of course.. I suppose love and sex was not worth the risk .. of taking a stand for a woman who has been labeled and reputable .. a socially scorned woman..and worse yet a single mother..without family or social status.. why risk their own worth for someone whom society has labeled so worthless?
And yes I know I am not worthless..so don’t be stupid about this.. ( no messages telling me how negative this is.. no messages telling me..” But Gracie your not worthless” I fucking know I am priceless..)
I know that what I did for society was out of love..that my book was written out of love..and that I still write this out of love.. to help others see that they are not alone.. not alone in sending messages of love.. out in bottles.. out into the deep dark sea of unconsciousness.. the unconsciousness of a city… A city that is superficial .. full of people wearing thick masks.. to afraid to do what I am doing for fear of being treated how I have been treated.. using authenticity as buzz word for self promotion.. using spirituality as fucking TREND.. using religion as an excuse to be self righteous hypocrites.. conservative professionals using ” It’s just business” as an excuse to dehumanize. But yet somehow love has to win ..
And strength has to prevail.. through adversity..the dream cannot be abandoned and crushed by the cruelty of greed and cold hearts.. of assholes who only see people as worthy if they have something for them to use.. like social connections, money or some form of status…
Somehow the pureness of heart, the purity of dream has to survive the rough, tough seas of hatred and sorrow, of those who would do anything to stab an open loving heart just for the false power-trip..
Somehow..they say.. love floats.. on hope..
Love floats on the hope..that someone will have the courage to open up .. to actually hear the message, and to share it.. someone.. who has the connections, the heart, the courage.. to make those who chose to be unconscious.. conscious of facing their own inner demons.. so that they too.. can have the courage to send out..
A message in a bottle
I am looking at this book through a revolutionary new perspective as I am taking it out of biblical context or out of religious context to see this ancient text for what it was in the first place.. it seems it was a series of love letters written to and from Solomon and his lover Sharon.. I believe religion .. Christian and Jewish used it to regulate sexual activity into the binding of marriage, when both religions were formed they were driven by the need to control mass population through the manipulation of sexual shaming, Governments and religion moved hand in hand to keep track of, and control the masses, one way was through a documented marriage contract through religion and state.. that explains why these love letters were used in both religions to turn this lust and love into something that God had for his people..but it was this lust that was the driving force of this couple’s passion.. so lets begin with fresh eyes.. eyes that see the human condition of sex, love, lust and passion.. as natural not a SIN
The book starts with Sharon..( as she named herself in Chapter 2 verse 1 ” I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys.” ) Sharon is sitting beside King Solomon at his table and she says ( ” While the king sitteth at his table my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my well beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breast.” Chapter 1 ; 12 & 13) she is saying that she is so turned on sitting beside him, thinking of making love to her king that she is starting to smell like her own sex, and that he can smell her.. This is lust.. she may have been nothing more than a concubine to him as stated in ( Chapter 6 verse 7 ” There are threescore queens and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number”) Sharon was a part of the king’s harem ..
Though out the book Sharon brags to the other daughters of Jerusalem about how beautiful and fair her lover is, she brags about their lovemaking though out the vineyards, fields and valleys of Solomon’s kingdom.. in this verse it sounds like she is giving him oral sex.. today this would be called “Tea Bagging” ( Chapter 2 verse 3 ” As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”)
Yet Solomon and Sharon had lover’s fights, it seemed they liked to fight often.. it was because she was jealous of sharing the king with other women, and because she was mad at him for not making her a priority over his kingly duties ..something that happens to couples today.. In the 3rd Chapter Sharon awakens to find him gone..she goes out into the night to search the city for him ” I will rise now and go about the city in the streets and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth” She finds him and holds him close.. I can imagine desperate for his love and affection..and surrounded by his men of arms they go and find a place to make love.. you can see in The Song of Solomon were he addresses her and she addresses him as she calls him ” Brother” and he calls her ” Sister” in Chapter 5 they are ready to become intimate.. he says ” Open to me my sister, my love, my dove.” but then something happens .. Sharon says ” I rose up to open to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself and was gone, my soul failed when he spake; I sought him but could not find him; I called him but he gave no answer”
Sharon then goes crying out into the night searching for him once more, she is assaulted by the watchmen… she then writes about how much she loves him as she describes him in detail and her deep soulful love for him.. in Chapter 6 Sharon turns to her girlfriends who tell her how lovely she is and how lucky he is to have her.. ( women do this today) .. It seems that in Chapter 6 vs 9 they unite as he says (” My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her; Yea the queens and the concubines, and they praise her”) It seems to me that Sharon was the one woman in his harem that had a true chemistry with the king..with Solomon..and that is why he favored her above others..she was his and he was her obsession.. she says to him in Chapter 8 verse 6 & 7 ( ” Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.’)
It’s getting easier because I am seeing what is out there in society today. Even at my gym I watch married people flirting ..attempting to carry on ( at the very least ) emotional affairs so that they don’t have to face the responsibility or take ownership of their own integrity in their relationships to their spouses. People want fluff, they don’t seem to want anything deep and meaningful. It seems both men and women don’t understand that the spark ( the Ideal) of the relationship cannot last forever..it usually only last a couple of years ..then the rose colored glasses dim..and you are faced with loving the real person not the ideal that you thought they were..and if you cannot do that..then have the integrity to leave the relationship before side-stepping into another one with someone else.. and then those who flirt with married people.. wtf are you doing? Have the integrity not to allow yourself to be played into someone else’s games.. the game of hide and seek from their own truth.. of not wanting to grow up and face their own problems.. that is what a real meaningful relationship teaches us.. others show us our strengths and weaknesses.. it isn’t meant to be easy .. sometimes it’s damn hell.. It is supposed to be both heaven and hell..as both the light and dark lives in each soul.
Now switching over to men.. this is what I see.. selfish men who don’t actually want a woman that is equal to them..they are macho not masculine.. macho in that they need a woman to fill a role and to complete an emptiness that is inside of them.. that emptiness is caused by men who need a woman to dumb herself down..so that she doesn’t challenge him into evolving into a full manhood. A dumb woman that knows her place in his life.. as a servant to his ego; doesn’t cause him to question his own selfish motives.. What I see are men intently and with greed, accumulating their own social status and toys will giving as little of themselves and their time, their emotions or intellect to a woman as is possible.. They don’t want to be truly intimate, to share their lives or resources..what they want is to get as much as they can from a woman while giving as little as possible.
I see men being boys..breaking a woman’s sense of her self worth by playing her against other women .. making her feel easily replaceable unless she gives herself up to him.. I will not give a guy like this my time, my energy or even a thought.. he isn’t worth it.. he is not worthy..
I see lots of men.. who say the are men, who profess to have courage..but when the the time comes to show courage by action..the use excuses or remain silent, or make themselves scarce.. What I am saying..is that I see boys fooling themselves into believing they are men. I see boys who are afraid, afraid to stand by one good woman, who are afraid to go into emotional depths, who are afraid to invest their hearts into the heart of one good woman.. Instead it is easier to date and sleep with girls who are not real women..because a real woman wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like second best..a second, third or forth place on his list of priorities.. a real woman would make sure she was his first priority, and the he was her’s.. but what I see are people who are settling ..to be treated without dignity or respect..
This makes it easier and easier for me to remain celibate.. I will not be treated with coldness or brutality, I will not be put last on his list, I will not allow selfishness and immaturity into my life.. and I will not show my children by bad example how to be treated with disrespect..
I respect myself .. I respect my kids.. and I respect the good man that is out there somewhere.. I respect him enough not to settle for anything less but him..if he manifests into my life or not.. I am not giving myself away to little men who are not worthy of a good woman. I will do for myself.