Despondent means deeply depressed, filled with despair, despairing, miserable, downhearted, inconsolable, melancholy,forlorn,sorrowful,disheartened,glum,bummed out, heartbroken, down in the dumps,suicidal.
The suicidal part..well I am not going to take my own life but I sure don’t want to be living this life..I wish I had the guts sometimes.
The top reason I am feeling so hopeless is that I have discovered that I can not love again.. not like I did before. It isn’t that I am in love with my ex-husband anymore but rather what happened to me when he betrayed me. I became very suicidal.. I truly had to fight to live for months. To see what he did to our children as well..to witness such intense selfishness was just to much for my soul.. I can not trust a man again. I can not have nor can I let myself be vulnerable in love again..because I don’t know how to love without giving myself to love completely..and because of losing my very will to live..to have had such torture go on inside of me.. invisible as it was to others.. it was a pain like I would never wish to inflict on others. Of course upon reading this.. if anyone does they simply will not understand.. only those that have been in this state will get it at all..for it is like childbirth.. until you are there.. you will never know this pain.
I am not posting this on facebook.. people judge so harshly..I have had such a hard time with men on facebook.. sending me private messages telling me that I will never become anything..that I have not done anything with my life.. I have men on facebook..( saying they are joking) calling me a crazy bitch. I have had men on facebook hound me for sex.. wanting to have me as a trophy.. just to say they ( tapped that bitch)..I have men tell me they love me but they do not mean one word of it.. it makes me hopeless and yes despondent…this has all been in the last couple of weeks.
I am also very forlorn about my book.. it seems it is just to different and just to much.. I was invited to a Goddess Party… I read out of my book only to be shhhhosshed..because some found it offensive. I wanted to leave the party.. right then and their but.. my pride wouldn’t let me. I just wanted to cry..but I stayed and put on a concrete face..and listened while other’s read their full piece from beginning to end..and they sang..nice songs and said nice things..but mine was to raw.
I cried the entire next day.. it was hard to get out of bed as I was shamed..and I thought to myself ” I will never belong..it has not happened yet and it never will” I felt total despair.
I have been so concerned with the world Governments as well..watching it seems world war 3 starting to take form..seeing images and video of dead and dying children..watching human rights violations in the name of what some feel is right.. and I felt shear panic.. I felt miserable and stressed to the max.
At this time.. My car went into the shop and being alone in the world with no family for help.. I felt more panic.. I started to get numbness and headaches and pains.. my entire body went tense..everything hurt.. my kids got sick and needed me..the car was stalling in intersections.. I couldn’t get a strait answer from the dealership..and the mechanics were playing me with prices and parts.. I was a victim.. I was and it had nothing to do with me giving them my power.. how can I be everything and a mechanic?? How can I do everything? How can I raise three kids on my own… how can I fix a car..let alone fix the entire world??
I thought maybe I can help some families..maybe if I do something for others it will help me feel better.. I mean that is what they say help others to help yourself..and so I thought with my local Arts Council..we will get a food drive together.. I talked to the representative and she thought it was a great idea.. one she had been thinking of doing but she didn’t have the time..the food bank thought it was a wonderful idea and we threw ideas around over the phone and I thought to myself ” Finally some hope!” but first it had to be put to the Art’s Council’s Board.. and when I got the email.. it was a NO.
Why had it gone from being such a great idea to a NO? I was willing to do all the work and willing to give them all the promotional credit.. all I could gather is that it was because of me..because my website and book are just to fringe.. I am a risk to their reputation.. just like I was at the Goddess Party.. I offend people I am offensive..and so this leads to even greater misery for me..my confidence is gone.
I am so heartbroken..
I see on my facebook that many think they are ascending..those who are intensely spiritual.. they think they have all the answers I guess?
I don’t think anyone is ascending..not until you can admit you know nothing..that you are nothing better than those around you..that you are just as responsible to some degree or another that you made this mess right along with the rest of us all.
They say the have looked into the face of darkness..really have they looked in the mirror?
Other’s like to feel they are intellectually superior..really? Have we not believed in our bullshit long enough..have we not learned that having to be right above others makes us nothing but very wrong?
maybe I am wrong for ever trying.. maybe I should just accept the fact that we are going to blow ourselves to high heaven with atomic bombs.. because we just can’t get down to reality..we don’t want to hear reality..we don’t want to live reality..and love is reality..it is the only reality..
But I can’t love..so what the fuck do I know
I can’t love because
People hurt people
Even if it is just by turning the other check in the ascending business.. why bother to fix the world if your ascending out of this reality..but is that love because love is reality so how do you ascend out of it?????
Or people hurt people by killing children and innocent families in the name of religion and war..
So people…were is the love??
I can’t love this.
Stephen.. I am going to call you by your first name because as far as I am concerned we are equals and you work for me. It’s my money and the money of other tax paying Canadian citizens that supports you financially. But to be very honest I didn’t vote for you..and to be quite honest I didn’t vote for any of you as I felt none of the choices presented to me measured up.
If I was forced to make a choice I would vote NDP.. quite simply because they have more humanity. If I had to label myself I would call myself a socialist.. I like the ideology of socialism ( a political system which advocates public ownership of industries, resources, and transport) hmm IDEOLOGY now isn’t that what you called feminism? But of course we could also say that democracy is also just an ideal or ideology. We could say the same about human rights as well.. I mean really who are we to be concerned with such matters of government.. you got that all handled right? That is why you and the US Government supports Israel’s infractions against human rights..that is why you support Israel even though it has been proven to be a criminal against human rights..but what do I know anyway I am just a silly little woman. Human Rights is just a silly little ideology that the average citizen believes in and we think that because we elected you and that we support your ass financially that you should uphold our silly little ideologies.. something like that.. I know I am just a silly little woman to you
The video above shows me how you feel and think about women..
You seem to think that your beliefs in the Christian doctrine and faith should trickle down into your Government Policies..yet we live in a country that is multicultural .. we live in in a country full of different and varied religions and beliefs yet you think you have aright to smother my rights and the rights of others with your religion.. you want to make every woman into your nice little wife. We should not have equal pay, if we do work it should be with children ( this is our place after all) it seems that you wish to push the world backwards and that you wish to control women with money, to control their bodies..by using your religion to dictate to us about abortion. You wish to keep us poor and busy with children. You scraped Universal Daycare.. You hugely cut back on the Status of Women in Canada.. calling feminism an ideology. You cancelled the Court Challenges Program and you axed women’s right to pay equity..and we have to pay for our own abortions. You have appointed fewer women to cabinet than any other previous governments.
You are against gay marriage ( once again a human rights issue) And once again using your religion to control Canadians.
You cut funding to the ARTS.. I think it is because the ARTS promote and develop FREE THINKERS AND REVOLUTIONARIES .. ( like me)
You don’t seem to give a damn about the land we live on as you are planning on running huge oil tankers down the coast line of British Columbia.. just like all Governments you want all of us to be dependent on fossil fuels.. you don’t care about the EARTH only $$$$$
So were are we headed here Stephen? Is it going to be a Global Government that lives off the common people.. will all off our human rights be ignored to support a World Government that does not stand for the people ..that is not a democracy but is a dictatorship calling it’s self a democracy??
I suspect the real power you wish to repress is the true power of the feminine.. if women stopped asking for permission from a male based society.. if women did start to truly stand up and be counted.. the boy’s club would fall. It is a boy’s club, it is anti-woman. The biggest and most powerful resource in the world.. well you know the answer Stephen.. your trying to repress it.
The people are waking up.. we are aware. The age of information is a powerful age.
The people are rising.
Above is a video of Carl Jung.. he explains his theories about the archetypes and the human psyche.. I am using this video to support this post. Upon watching this video of Carl Jung, his theories supported what I had already reasoned within my own soul, and mind… it is that we have become our own worst enemy by suppressing the darkness within our own souls.
We have become a world wide society that has become deluded by our own lies..and the lie lives in the search for perfection and in the denial of reality..and reality is that there is no such thing as perfection.. on are search for perfection we have gone down the road that denies the sacred..because all that is sacred lives in the shadows of impending death. We seek to suppress aging, we seek to suppress love as we see it as weakness, we see being vulnerable as being imperfect..and so it is by not letting our vulnerability show we build emotional and mental blocks that keep other’s out of our hearts.
We live two lives..the very fake imperfect face that we show the world around us..this is the face we wear at church, to work, to the gym, anywhere when we are out in the public eye..and then we hide our true selves away in private..and this is were we fight our demons. Because we suppress our darkness it comes to us unconstrained in the wee hours of the night.. it comes to us eventually in mental breakdowns.. it comes to us in full on addictions..addictions that we then hide and suppress further.
We then demand of our leaders that they fit the social conditioning of the personification of their position.. we insist that they hold up the mask… we insist that their mask be even more perfect than our own..so that we may feel safe in worshiping this perfection in them..and when they slip.. when their true humanity is expressed by mistake or with intention ..we are relentless in judging them for letting us down with there very human qualities.
We have become a very neurotic society–neurotic-emotionally disturbed, mentally ill, irrational, unstable,paranoid,anxious, obsessive, compulsive,dysfunctional, twisted and warped..because we just can not let go of what we feel is perfect..we are fed by the media.. perfection..we see perfection in our magazines.. every room spotless, everything new and unused, every person plastic and brushed up by computer imaging, we are taught to spend and we are taught that if we can not afford this perfect but very expensive lifestyle that we have failed.
We are fed shame; we are fed shame about sex, money, and our very thoughts are to be shamed if we do not fit into this perfect mold of the perfect citizen that behaves perfectly.. do you want to be cool? Do you want fame and fortune? Then follow along..follow the NEUROSIS – nervous disorder, personality disorder, emotional disorder, ” The result of a conflict between the ego and the id; THE PERSON IS AT WAR WITH HIMSELF” Sigmund Freud.
We are taught that it is shameful to speak out about our reality..to say ” I can’t afford it” To admit to having many lovers..to admit to questioning religion, Government or any social organization.. we are taught to shame and so we split in two.. we become two separate people.. the public face and the private face..and this leads to mental confusion and break down..
A breakdown .. means that when your suppressed material comes to the surface it can explode in your face.. it means that one can become so fearful and so delusional that they will go to the lengths of harming others to keep their delusion.
This is our society now; we are on the brink of our own self-destruction due to our suppression blowing up world wide by the average person and by the very suppressed leaders and Governments around the world. We are killing ourselves daily with creating the pollution that causes cancer and our other diseases.. we have made mass weapons of destruction that we have aimed and we are ready to fire on other counties that do not hold onto the same DELUSION as the other country aiming weapons on them..we are so suppressed..that Governments that call themselves a democracy are nothing more than a dictatorship. The suppression holds use captive right now..the world will have to face reality or face destruction..by our own doing.
It begins with every individual who refuses to follow the delusion. Who takes off the social mask.. it will be the leader that is willing to share and purge their human problems in public.. it will be the public who accepts and forgives such leaders and public figures..
It begins with you reading this now.. stop being a walking advertisement..stop getting into dept to impress others with your so called social standing that is really bullshit the bullshit that makes you bat-shit..that drives you crazy with worry and fear.
Be brave and be you.. no more two faces.. just be .
The Governments of the world were so concerned with competing against each other in the race for scientific discovery that they refused to take into consideration the FALLOUT.
Other words—- NUCLEAR—Nuclear bombs—nuclear energy–nuclear power–NUCLEAR REACTION—CHANGE IN STRUCTURE AND ENERGY CONTENT OF AN ATOMIC NUCLEUS BY INTERACTION WITH ANOTHER NUCLEUS OR PARTICLE –Nuclear reactor, device in which a nuclear reaction is maintained and CONTROLLED to produce nuclear energy.
Similar symptoms may appear months to years after exposure as chronic radiation syndrome when the dose rate is too low to cause the acute form. Radiation exposure can also increase the probability of developing some other diseases, mainly different types of cancers. These diseases are sometimes referred to as radiation sickness, but they are never included in the term acute radiation syndrome. (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)
When we go back and review our world history we can see that we have all become victims of fallout..most recently..it was the failure of Japans Nuclear Reactor that failed due to an earthquake..we are still living in this fallout..there will be much sickness.
If we look at our food supply.. it has become …….
Genetically modified foods (GM foods, or biotech foods) are foods derived from genetically modified organisms. Genetically modified organisms have had specific changes introduced into their DNA by genetic engineering techniques. These techniques are much more precise than mutagenesis (mutation breeding) where an organism is exposed to radiation or chemicals to create a non-specific but stable change. Other techniques by which humans modify food organisms include selective breeding; plant breeding, and animal breeding, and somaclonal variation.
The DNA has been exposed to RADIATION AND CHEMICALS… but humans are not genetically designed by NATURE to digest and use this new genetically modified DNA .. it is making us sick.. WHY? It makes crops more productive so that world governments can pour money into war instead of into farming and feeding the world.. money used to build upon fear and death instead of HOPE AND LIFE!
What we are eating.. sourced from..
Sodium Nitrate (also known as Chile saltpeter or Peru saltpeter) and Sodium Nitrite: Used as a compound in production of gunpowder and other munitions in the past, nowadays Sodium Nitrate is a colorant, added to meats. It gives reddish color to meat. The Sodium Nitrite is a preservative and color fixative for fish and meat. It has the number E250. Those two preservatives and colorants we commonly consume in bacon, ham, hot dogs, smoked fish, and corned beef form nitrosamines (a human carcinogen), which accelerate the degradation of cells and DNA. Studies have linked eating it to various types of cancer and have shown a link between increased levels of nitrates and increased deaths from certain diseases including Alzheimer’s, diabetes mellitus and Parkinson’s.
Another carcinogenic preservative, used in many household foods is Butylated Hydroxy-anisole(E320) or BHA in short. It is found particularly in fat-containing foods and confectionery meats, chewing gums, potato chips, and vegetable oils. This anti-oxidant prevents rancidity in products. When combined with high concentrations of vitamin C and/or nitrites it produces free radicals, which damage body’s cells. Often used in conjunction with BHA,
Propyl Gallate (E310) is another anti-oxidant, found in meat products, microwaveable popcorn, soup mixes, chewing gum, mayonnaise, and frozen meals. Some studies on rats have shown that it is cancerogenic. Other side effects of its consumption are stomach and skin irritability, allergic reactions that impact breathing, kidney and liver problems. Although the FDA considers Propyl Gallate safe, in many other countries its usage is banned or very limited.
Moving on, Mono sodium Glutamate (MSG) or E621 is an amino acid used as a flavor enhancer in soups, salad dressings, snacks, frozen food, and restaurant food. The “MSG symptom” also known as the “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome” was coined by Robert Ho Man Kwok who reported symptoms of headaches and nausea in patients who consumed American-Chinese meals. Since then MSG has been associated with migraine headaches, food allergies, hyperactivity in children and obesity. There are also animal studies, which link E621 to damaged nerve cells in the brains of infant mice. According to Dr. Russell Blaylock, an author and neurosurgeon, there is a connection between sudden cardiac death and neuron damage caused by food additives like MSG and artificial sweeteners. He also reported that many patients experienced nausea chest pain and vomiting after eating MSG-foods. Because of its infamy manufacturers tend to disguise it on food labels behind other ingredients, where the Monosodium glutamate exists only as a constituent.
Used to increase “fluffiness” of bread products, Potassium Bromate is another carcinogen that is banned throughout the world, except for in the United States and Japan. In California, a cancer warning would likely be required if it were used, which is why it is rarely used in that state. Studies on animals have shown that the bromate that does remain in our bodies. Instead of banning it, the FDA tried to prevent bakeries from using it, but it remains in widespread use.
Also known by the brand names Nutrasweet and Equal, Aspartame is a sweetener found in so-called diet foods such as low-calorie desserts, gelatins, drink mixes, and soft drinks. E951 is 200 times sweeter than sugar. The safety of aspartame has been studied extensively since it was discovered. According to the UK Food Standards Agency, the European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) and Canada’s Health Canadaaspartame is safe for consumption at current levels, otherwise it may cause cancer or neurological problems, such as dizziness or hallucinations. The acceptable daily intake (ADI) value for aspartame according to Joint FAO/WHO Expert Committee on Food Additives(JECFA) and the European Commission‘s Scientific Committee on Food is 40 mg/kg of body weight. However, a more recent study in 2005 showed that even small doses increase the incidence of lymphomas and leukemia in rats, along with brain tumors.
Like Aspartame, Acesul fame-K is sweet, but dangerous. This relatively new artificial sweetener can be found in baked goods, soft drinks, protein shakes, pharmaceutical products and gelatin desserts. Stable under heat and acidic conditions it is perfect for baking and products that require a long shelf life. There is a general concern that testing on this product has been scant, and some studies show the additive may cause cancer in rats.
The question is this.. how do we change it? How do we make the WORLD GOVERNMENTS ACCOUNTABLE???
WE CAN NOT BREATH CLEAN AIR; WE CAN NOT EAT PURE FOOD, WE CAN NOT WALK THIS EARTH WITH OUT DISEASE…ALL FOR MONEY..AND POWER..WE ARE DYING.
It is time.. the people are awake.
The world is waking up.
We have finally had enough, enough of our own self created madness.
Many can see that we are the ones that wrote every holy book. We created religion out of fear, because we have feared death so much.
We have created a world wide industry on avoiding death.. we are to remain ageless.. every product that we buy and every activity that we pursue is to fly in the face of death…
But because of this we are dying.
We consume. We create garbage..we eat and drink our garbage.. plastic is in our food… it seeps into our water table.
In our search for perfect we are plastic ..and like cling wrap it smothers and consumes us to death.
Death is the sacred place.. it is the threshold to life.. when we face death ..and come to acceptance of this sacred place of rest.. we are brought back into balance.
We understand we have created all of this.. the Governments and all the war.. by hiding in fear we bring about death.
My facing death and facing fear we can finally live.
We can have a world based on equality, we can live in a world that is clean and free.. and we can stop treating each other like suspects.. it is this fear that puts us into survival mode constantly causing us to run and hide or attack each other.
We are on the threshold.
We have the technology to create clean energy.. if we stop paying into war and fear.. we can feed and we can can care.. we can heal the whole wide world.
If we create peace in the home by accepting both men and women as equals.. our children will be free.
Right now we are waking up..
The lights have been turned on.. we have awakened to our own shadow..but many turn the lights off..because they see that the monster that they have feared all along is them.
The world.. we.. us.. need to face the monster in the mirror…love the shadow self.. accept death.
So that we many finally begin to live.