Archive for the ‘emotional health’ Category

About the games that he plays

 

I just wanna talk about the games that he plays.. how he takes what is whole to break it down.. just because… he is broken..

I wanna tell you how he is afraid to feel.. to face the emptiness he fills with brutality and cruelty.. just so he doesn’t have to cry.. I know why.. I know why.. why he plays these silly games to hide.. to hide from what he feels inside.. it’s so much easier just to fuck than it is to make love… so much easier it is for him.. conditioned as he is… to run away from a gentle touch.. as it hurts so much to look inside and not hide.. not hide from all the fears buried long ago.. long ago when he was a little boy.. and he was told he was a coward when he cried so now he hides behind guns and knives.

He hides behind the steel and the iron that he lifts to make strong on the outside… but inside he crumbles in the night.. alone with his thoughts he cannot hide.. any longer,.. and that is when he cries.. silent tears full of pride.and shame.. so much shame in having a tender heart.. so much shame in feeling everything.. that when he is given love.. when he is given compassion and a hug… he pushes away.. refusing to give way.. least the tenderness inside she should find… for if she did what would he have, to power play..to game her away..

Under all the steel, the bullets and the blades.. through the razor wire .. through the brutality and the mock cruelty is a little boy inside.. just wanting to be freed from the man in the beast..

But the closer that she gets to setting the child in him free the more he shows coldness and calculations to manipulate her away in fear.. he will do whatever it takes… pulling out his bag of tricks and snakes… anything to get her away..and off the path to his heart least it should break.. but little does he know.. and little is he aware.. that if he should let her in the pieces of his heart she will repair.. but he will not relent.. he has to win. .. he is hell bent…because he lives in the hell that he creates by not turning on the light inside of his own soul that only love can make bright..

And so it is he lets his demons out.. hell fire and brimstone .. bullets blazing, knives glazing soft exposed heart.. bruising and abusing her very soul..and her skin… he refuses to let her in… chasing her away with all it takes.. not relenting not giving in or giving her her a break from the storm within him… and so she runs to save herself from him..

And even though she grieves for the little boy inside of him.. she knows she must surrender ..it is a battle that cannot be won by either one..and so he has the field.. the swords all belong to him..and the knives and the horses and all the men.. and all the metals and power.. but even then.. the battle inside rages on inside of him.. as his heart remains broken..

Shattered and torn, red and raw..bloodied and bleeding sorrows uncried least it should shame him as not a man.. as weak as weakling.. as the boy he has abandoned that was abandoned long ago.. he sits alone… all alone..

SEX

 

I am really mad at myself.. because I fell into a mental and emotional trap .. the trap of slut shaming. When I first put up my website and published my book a couple of years ago.. well I was a freer spirit. It was like the fools leap, child’s play, art with absolute abandon.. much like I am in the bedroom, playful, passionate, affectionate and very physical. I am an intellectual, I am experimental and very open minded.. but silly little me I didn’t take into account how many people in my local community are exactly the opposite of me; and I hadn’t really socialized with anyone in my local professional community to know what a bunch of fake and repressed bunch they all are.. and so once I attempted to network within that community I was quickly give a BAD REP.. like they didn’t even know me personally but because I was topless on my blog and because I was talking candidly and openly about sexuality.. I was instant white trash, laughable slut material to them.. to make a long story short it all rubbed off on me.. like invisible blood spatter.. pretty soon I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually downing in this shame.. that wasn’t even mine.. and it began to sink in subconsciously .. after a sexual encounter with a local popular and wealthy business man..who afterwards sexually shamed me by telling me he couldn’t socialize with me but only have sex with me privately… I plunged into celibacy.. like it was over 2 years of being closed off physically and emotionally to men because of him..and the business community. And so I told myself, I was protecting my heart, and I was, but I was also making excuses for not facing my fears.. and my fear was them.. whoever they are.. there are so many of them.. putting their religious and flaky spiritual beliefs into my head and onto my body.. saying to me sex has to be within this or that context or you are nothing more than a slut.. like an animal to be dehumanized by us..and they did just that. And I suppose I must have believed them.. as I purified my blog, taking topless pictures of myself down, deleting blog post, and being sexless myself. It wasn’t me .. that isn’t me. I am not that person; they are, they feared me and so they imposed those fears onto me..becoming my jailers.. that is what happened..and I wasn’t strong enough to stand up until now.

A young man kissed me.. or I kissed him.. and he awakened me.. I was frozen so, cold .. I was deadened.. after he kissed me I verbally said ” Thank you” it was like my subconscious said it.. ” Thank you, thank you for freeing me, thank you for igniting my fire… thank you ”

And I came to realize that sex is pro choice.. that it is my body, it is my sexuality, even when I am sharing my body with another, it is mine. No one has a right to tell me my sexuality or me having sex with anyone else is bad.. even if I write about my sexual experiences in great detail,, if they don’t like it they can fucking move on, they can fuck off. How is it hurting them? Oh they think they can judge me or others as demoralizing society by owning my own body? Wtf? So they think they own the rights to my sexuality? They think that I have to wait for love and marriage or I am whore? Fuckem! I am a beautiful sexual woman, I am not going to stay in a frozen purified state, and shrivel up and die waiting for the right guy to come along.. and what is the right guy? And how the fuck does love start to begin with..but with a healthy dose of LUST..and who says I cannot just want lust for awhile..who says? Prudes that’s who says, people afraid of being free themselves who wish they were as free as I am .. or people with little to no sex drive who wish they has my appeal and stamina.. well that’s their fucking problem isn’t it.. ya it is!

It doesn’t make me shallow, or selfish to want to explore my sexuality with a younger man ( be a cougar ) can if I want to! And when I meet someone I want to be in a long term relationship regardless of his age…can if I want to.

And I know this for sure.. if I was a old lady out of her sexual prime… that had Dr.. in front of my name ( clinical and sterile ) no one in Canada would have an issue with me being about sexuality .. but because I am hot and sexy I am a threat to society.. that is fucking stupid..and I am not going to allow society to sexually sterilize me again.. I will do what I want with my sex, and with walking my talk I can more effectively teach sexual freedom.. cause I am free now.

The Art of Pleasuring

 

I believe that we have forgotten how to truly pleasure ourselves, we have been duped into thinking that pleasure is expensive when it is the simple things that bring the most pleasure. Women have become manicured, well behaved and seeking male approval and by doing so they have not learned how to pleasure their own minds, bodies, spirits and hearts. To be tamed is to become dried and brittle.. to be wild is be wet and and playful.. but we are made to believe that is when a woman becomes a slut. . I am always redefining everything.. even words are but nothing without the meaning that we put on them by our perspectives or social conditioning. Social conditioning is what tames the wild out of every woman.. when in fact a pleasure seeking slut is what she needs to become to set herself free… free to explore her own body, her sexual fantasies .. to touch her own skin, caress her own heart.. to think her own juicy thoughts..to run down that path.. to let her spirit guide her..

What does this contentment look like? How is it found? It is found in giving yourself permission to explore the sensual..if it be a lazy day in the sun, sleeping naked, savoring melted chocolate on your tongue.. to move your body through sensual dance our pounding strength workouts.. it comes by saying no.. no to those who drain a woman of her essence, demanding that she give all of her energy and time away, no to the games people play, saying no to others to make room for the self. To care about you, so that you can be more present in taking care of others..but truly even more succulent is to secretly not give a shit.. to rebel against the social norms of the well behaved woman.. to go deep into your own world and sexual fantasies and not be sorry one damn bit..

To imagine what you will about whom you will..to imagine him fucking you just the way you want him too.. to take the time alone in your room to eat dark chocolate, read erotica, listen to your favorite mood music and touch between your own softness.. to gush, to wither, to moan and thrash.. to be dripping, moist, fleshy and juicy just for you… to explore your darkest, dirtiest fantasy and not regret it.. don’t be sorry.

Succumb and submit to the erotic self… love your erect nipples, the the catching of your breath, the sweet softness of your own feminine flesh.. no matter your age or size.. no matter .. for you are a Goddess..

The wild calls to us.. it calls us back to our primitive nature.. to fill ourselves once more with sunshine, playtime,  this horny lust for life that women have forgotten competing for male attention, competing as to who can work the hardest; complete the most tasks, work the longest hours.. while she should be sleeping, soaking up the sweet beauty of the night when she can… moonlight on her voluptuousness..star dust on her breast..

This dirty sin that we label as slutty .. that we call bad..this badness is so good, so right and erotically it is the elixir that we need to cure us..to make us and keep us wet… the climax of life, the orgasm that never lets up.

A Woman’s Worth; Body Image

How much is she worth? If she isn’t young, if she has ” Been around” If she carries a few pounds, if she has had a few children? How much is she worth?

Sad and depressing for us women, sad and depressing for young girls.. we are fed this constantly, our virtue, our sexuality, our purity.. or worth based on what others judge as external beauty.. this amounts as to what we are worth.. those things are weighed and judged before intelligence, humor, empathy, talents or any other ability when a woman’s worth is calculated.. My teenage daughters are going through this right now as they reach the cusp, of the transformation of girlhood into womanhood.. and the insecurities mount.. even still I fight them..

I am in my 40s and ageing, I have had babies, I have a c-section scar.. I am into fitness but I have to stand my ground about how I want my body to look; as I don’t think body building is healthy for many reason..or the competing in beauty contest or body building contest.. I find them to be emotionally self defeating.. but people assume because I workout that I am looking to become this ideal..and I am just halfway there.. but I am not. I am competing with myself..

I not ” all that” I don’t think I am ” all that” I know I am very imperfect..but even with writing my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) and doing the photography in the book, being the model and showing my imperfections.. I still have body issues. I struggle with them. I struggle with the imperfections, and doing the self talk of ” I don’t have to be super skinny or super muscular to be beautiful and healthy, I can be my own version of me.” Yet going to the gym I am constantly shown women with this perfect fitness type of body… but many of them don’t seem too happy because it is a constant struggle.. I want to workout for the joy of moving my body and pushing my body to higher and higher limits.. I want to age gracefully.. I want to respect and honor were I am at this time in my life..not fight it or run from it..but honor my journey.. but also I know that age is just a number.. by doing this I am showing my daughters the way to self love and acceptance.. not body hate disguised as arrogance and false pride. I think being in this place of moderation but physical acceleration ( always pushing my limits with in my limits ) is truly healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy..

 

Like almost all women I have my body issues; of course I am shy about sharing my body with a lover for the first time, showing all my physical imperfections without perfect lighting or clothing to hide the parts of ourselves we all hide away. I have those days were I feel fat and bloated, wrinkled, and tired looking.. and I catch myself in negative self talk.. that is just being human.

The thing is this if women rate other women by looks we are keeping this insanity going; what does that mean ” Strong is the new beautiful or strong is the new skinny” ??? How about healthy is beautiful..being as healthy as you can be with what you are given is beautiful, smart is beautiful, being loving is beautiful, being caring is beautiful.. being talented is beautiful.. being your own unique self is REALLY BEAUTIFUL..

I think that when a woman owns her body, her sexuality, her life .. past any template, or perfected social image..when she owns herself.. that is truly beautiful..and that beauty never ages.

Being a Bitch

 

I think the word bitch was created to make women behave. I don’t just think so I know so. If a woman behaves like a man, tells it strait up, takes no shit, doesn’t ask for permission, goes and just gets what she wants..she is bitch..she is..as I have been called ” too assertive” .. my thoughts exactly.. ” Fuck you”

A bitchy woman..stands up for herself, stands her ground on her dreams.. oh hell..she has her own dreams..what a bitch! Women are taught to support men who have dreams… lets take a look at how wonderful it is to be a ” First Lady” ya fuck that!.. Fuck that! That’s right your supposed to be happy and honored to take second place as a figure head that wears the latest fashions and puts up with your husband jamming cigars up an interns vag.. that’s right BITCHES!  Women don’t have real authority and those who strive for it.. yup..bunch a bitches!

A woman that has a presence .. you know..she takes up room when standing in a room.. she has a voice, she has thoughts of her own and shares them openly, she has sex appeal .. she has a walk, she has charisma.. yup what a bitch..

But the only way a woman is going to get anywhere in the world is to love her inner bitch.. it is so seriously a part of being a Goddess.. it is being an unapologetic bitch that makes her a super star..but first she has to have the inner strength to stand up to the boys.. those wimpy men, the ones that need a woman to kiss up, make nice and suck their metaphorical dicks.. she has to be able to get it across to them ( metaphorically speaking ) that she too has a dick and if they don’t like it they can suck it! She is a bitch, and she loves her inner bitch.. she ain’t making nice..and she will never be ready to make nice..cause like the boys..she is what she is and she says what she means and she means what she says…  she going to be called a lot of names.. but eventually she just has to find a few truly good men, who will be her friends and supporters.. we just need more women willing to embrace their inner bitch.. more women to take a stand.. and love that they are who the fuck they are..

This good girl bad girl shit..it’s just shit to control women.. if women are always afraid of offending some poor guy and seeming too bitchy to get hitched up to some pathetic guy that digs this shit.. the world will be missing out on some GRAND BITCHES.. bitches that have that chip on their shoulder that they carry with pride..bitches that have been told ” your a piece of work” but they like that..those bitches are goddamn proud of the lessons they have learned in life that made them what they are..that made them broads that made them ballsy .. that’s right.. fuck em.. those are the GRAND BITCHES society needs to turn it around and make equal ground..to fuck the double standard HARD.. FUCK IT HARD and RIGHT PROPER!

Women need to fight for their dreams, fight for their voices..stop over eating to appear safe to fragile men, stop under eating to disappear ..to make yourself small and fragile for fragile men.. we need some women to TRAIN these fuckers up .. to toughen men up..to give them some tough love.. cause

Enough is Enough

ROCK ON BITCHES!

Near Death Experience and the Ego

 

I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.

I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.

In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.

What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)

I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..

As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!

But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom

I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.

As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.

Religion and Women’s Rights

I think I have nailed the root of the evil of religion..and that is the belief that ” Women were created for men” that idea or dogma creates instant inequality and makes women instant servants to men..

By practicing these fundamental beliefs, we still live in the dark ages, humanity has yet to evolve into it’s full potential and because of this women and children are brutalized world wide. Yes this does effect western culture, due to religion seeping into our Government we still do not have equal pay or opportunity, abortion is still up for debate, and made political instead of personal; therefore women’s bodies, women are owned by men, and men are able to keep power over women by holding world wide power positions and by this men over all are monetarily wealthier.. meaning that women are made to submit through need.. the need to cloth and feed themselves and their children. This is why I wrote my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) because once women begin to own their sexuality and bodies they come into their power.. this is why genital mutilation happens in many countries..it is to render women powerless..because the patriarchy knows this is our power source. This male based social structure is built upon the blood of women and children, built upon our suffering.. of course this doesn’t make all men bad.. many men want to see women raise into their power.. many of our sons, fathers and brothers.. who love and admire us, who respect us.. will be willing to support The Rise of the Divine Feminine.

Seriously it will be through awareness and education that we will make this change.. I keep writing the same things, I keep posting the same things. I hope this post is concentrated enough to pack a bigger punch. I am including some painful but truthful images..

The thing that the patriarchy really fears is the education of women, of women becoming ( unbrainwashed ) by their religious upbringing..that is why they called the new age “The Whore of Babylon” because the see The Divine Feminine or women in general as whores.. to them we are dirty and unclean. like animals that must be owned and mastered..it is time women awakened to this religious slavery..it is time ( at the very least ) that religions be amended to create true equality and to be truly about love..

The Bible

‘But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (I Corinthians 11:3)

“For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” (I Corinthians 11:8-9)

“And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.” (Leviticus 21:9)

 

‘When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

 

“Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.” (Leviticus 12:2)

“But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.” (Leviticus 12:5)

“Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.” (Revelation 2:22-23)

“Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.” (Judges 19:24-25)

“Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.” (I Timothy 2:11-14)

“If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silvers, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.” (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)

“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (I Corinthians 14:34-35)

The Quran

  • 4:15 ”As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness, call to witness four of you against them. And if they testify (to the truth of the allegation) then confine them to the houses until death take them.”
    • 4:34 ”Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them.”
      • 33:32-33 ”O ye wives of the Prophet! Ye are not like any other women. … Stay in your houses.”
      • “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands. … And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment.”
        • 4:176 ”Unto the male is the equivalent of the share of two females.”
        • http://www.jewfaq.org/women.htm
        • Judaisum
        • It is in this light that one must understand the man’s prayer thanking G-d for “not making me a woman.” The prayer does not indicate that it is bad to be a woman, but only that men are fortunate to be privileged to have more obligations. The corresponding women’s prayer, thanking G-d for making me “according to his will,” is not a statement of resignation to a lower status (hardly an appropriate sentiment for prayer!) On the contrary, this prayer should be understood as thanking G-d for giving women greater binah, for making women closer to G-d’s idea of spiritual perfection, and for all the joys of being a woman generally.
        • Lilith

          Lilith is a character who appears in passing in the Talmud and in rabbinical folklore. She is a figure of evil, a female demon who seduces men and threatens babies and women in childbirth. She is described as having long hair and wings (Erub. 100b; Nid. 24b). It is said that she seizes men who sleep in a house alone, like a succubus (Shab. 151b). She is also mentioned in midrashim and kabbalistic works, in which she is considered to be the mother of demons. Her name probably comes from the Hebrew word for night (laila). She is similar to and probably based on a pagan demon named Lulu or Lilu that appears in Gilgamesh and other Sumerian and Babylonian folklore.

          In recent years, some women have tried to reinvent Lilith, turning her into a role model for women who do not accept male domination or a rival goddess to the traditions that they think are too male-biased. For example, a number of female musical artists participated a concert tour called “Lilith Fair” a few years ago, and the name “Lilith” was clearly chosen to represent female empowerment.

          This revisionist view of Lilith is based primarily on a work called the Alphabet of Ben Sira, which portrays Lilith as Adam’s first wife who was rejected because she wanted to be on top during sexual intercourse. Lilith was replaced with Eve, a more submissive second wife. The complete story is presented here. Many modern commentators describe this as part of the Talmud or midrash, or at least a traditional Jewish source, and claim that this story reflects the traditional rabbinical understanding of the roles of men and women. Feminists reject the negative characterization of Lilith’s actions in this story. They claim Lilith was a hero who was demonized by male-chauvinist rabbis who did not want women to have any sexual power.

          Actually, Ben Sira is a much later medieval work of questionable authorship. Ben Sira appears to be a satire or parody, possibly even an antisemitic one. It tells many stories about biblical characters envisioned in non-traditional, often unflattering ways, often with slapstick humor at the expense of traditional heroes. Frankly, to treat Ben Sira as a reflection of traditional Jewish thought is like treating Cervantes’ Don Quixote as a treatise on chivalry, or Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles as a documentary of the American West. See this scholarly critique of the use of Ben Sira to turn Lilith into a feminist hero.

Sending out love.. a message in a bottle

 

I have found, through experience, Kelowna BC Canada is a loveless place…

Just seems that no matter how much I have reached out to people I just find I get nothing back. Nothing but empty promises of friendships or an echo of a promise of a potential lover.. So many say that they stand for this or that.. love, courage, bravery, equality, justice.. but it when it comes down to showing it through actions.. it never materializes into reality.. instead they don’t show up, or they remain silent when they should speak up..

Even now writing this I am washing things (memories) recent an old; around in my head thinking ” What is the point to even writing this” selfish people don’t care. I think the most fucked up thing is.. when I have the guts to write about what others don’t have the guts to even dare to think about.. these cowardly people are the the first to attempt to shut me up.. they are the ones who stood by and watched me get bullied out of my old gym.. they are the ones that shut me out of networking events and organizations.. making it impossible for me to promote my book on a local scale.. making it then even harder for me to promote my book on a global scale with out a local platform.. These are the ones that said they were my friends within the local arts community.. who never spoke up for me..when they had the power to make a difference.. because they didn’t want their own personal comfort put at risk with in Kelowna’s social network.. nope they sit and stuff their faces with wine and cheese, take in the local events, network with the organizations that I am not welcome to attend.. yet they know deep within that they are selfish cowards…

Even looking at the men that I cared about.. whom I thought were my friends, whom I thought could be my friends..and a very select few whom I had considered as lovers… they shrank back too.. professing to be about courage, masculinity, authenticity, truth, upholding what is right.. justice.. yet I had nothing to offer them.. no social connections, no money, and of course.. I suppose love and sex was not worth the risk .. of taking a stand for a woman who has been labeled and reputable .. a socially scorned woman..and worse yet a single mother..without family or social status.. why risk their own worth for someone whom society has labeled so worthless?

And yes I know I am not worthless..so don’t be stupid about this.. ( no messages telling me how negative this is.. no messages telling me..” But Gracie your not worthless” I fucking know I am priceless..)

I know that what I did for society was out of love..that my book was written out of love..and that I still write this out of love.. to help others see that they are not alone.. not alone in sending messages of love.. out in bottles.. out into the deep dark sea of unconsciousness.. the unconsciousness of a city… A city that is superficial .. full of people wearing thick masks.. to afraid to do what I am doing for fear of being treated how I have been treated.. using authenticity as buzz word for self promotion.. using spirituality as fucking TREND.. using religion as an excuse to be self righteous hypocrites.. conservative professionals using ” It’s just business” as an excuse to dehumanize. But yet somehow love has to win ..

And strength has to prevail.. through adversity..the dream cannot be abandoned and crushed by the cruelty of greed and cold hearts.. of assholes who only see people as worthy if they have something for them to use.. like social connections, money or some form of status…

Somehow the pureness of heart, the purity of dream has to survive the rough, tough seas of hatred and sorrow, of those who would do anything to stab an open loving heart just for the false power-trip..

Somehow..they say.. love floats.. on hope..

Love floats on the hope..that someone will have the courage to open up .. to actually hear the message, and to share it.. someone.. who has the connections, the heart, the courage.. to make those who chose to be unconscious.. conscious of facing their own inner demons.. so that they too.. can have the courage to send out..

A message in a bottle

 

Why it is getting easier and easier for me to stay celibate

 

 

 

It’s getting easier because I am seeing what is out there in society today. Even at my gym I watch married people flirting ..attempting to carry on ( at the very least ) emotional affairs so that they don’t have to face the responsibility or take ownership of their own integrity in their relationships to their spouses. People want fluff, they don’t seem to want anything deep and meaningful. It seems both men and women don’t understand that the spark ( the Ideal) of the relationship cannot last forever..it usually only last a couple of years ..then the rose colored glasses dim..and you are faced with loving the real person not the ideal that you thought they were..and if you cannot do that..then have the integrity to leave the relationship before side-stepping into another one with someone else.. and then those who flirt with married people.. wtf are you doing? Have the integrity not to allow yourself to be played into someone else’s games.. the game of hide and seek from their own truth.. of not wanting to grow up and face their own problems.. that is what a real meaningful relationship teaches us.. others show us our strengths and weaknesses.. it isn’t meant to be easy .. sometimes it’s damn hell.. It is supposed to be both heaven and hell..as both the light and dark lives in each soul.

Now switching over to men.. this is what I see.. selfish men who don’t actually want a woman that is equal to them..they are macho not masculine.. macho in that they need a woman to fill a role and to complete an emptiness that is inside of them.. that emptiness is caused by men who need a woman to dumb herself down..so that she doesn’t challenge him into evolving into a full manhood. A dumb woman that knows her place in his life.. as a servant to his ego; doesn’t cause him to question his own selfish motives.. What I see are men intently and with greed, accumulating their own social status and toys will giving as little of themselves and their time, their emotions or intellect to a woman as is possible.. They don’t want to be truly intimate, to share their lives or resources..what they want is to get as much as they can from a woman while giving as little as possible.

I see men being boys..breaking a woman’s sense of her self worth by playing her against other women .. making her feel easily replaceable unless she gives herself up to him.. I will not give a guy like this my time, my energy or even a thought.. he isn’t worth it.. he is not worthy..

I see lots of men.. who say the are men, who profess to have courage..but when the the time comes to show courage by action..the use excuses or remain silent, or make themselves scarce.. What I am saying..is that I see boys fooling themselves into believing they are men. I see boys who are afraid, afraid to stand by one good woman, who are afraid to go into emotional depths, who are afraid to invest their hearts into the heart of one good woman.. Instead it is easier to date and sleep with girls who are not real women..because a real woman wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like second best..a second, third or forth place on his list of priorities.. a real woman would make sure she was his first priority, and the he was her’s.. but what I see are people who are settling ..to be treated without dignity or respect..

This makes it easier and easier for me to remain celibate.. I will not be treated with coldness or brutality, I will not be put last on his list, I will not allow selfishness and immaturity into my life.. and I will not show my children by bad example how to be treated with disrespect..

I respect myself .. I respect my kids.. and I respect the good man that is out there somewhere.. I respect him enough not to settle for anything less but him..if he manifests into my life or not.. I am not giving myself away to little men who are not worthy of a good woman. I will do for myself.

What if Women Manned up?

 

I tried it..and it isn’t working for me.. I thought I was expressing my inner divine masculine.. trying to be one of the boys..but I am not one of the boys..  I have had to accept that and embrace my Femininity.. not expressing my emotions isn’t tough..it is weak.. a strong heart is brave enough to feel, to care..it doesn’t mean I am to sensitive or that I am taking things to personally..it means I am brave enough to FEEL.. a scary prospect for many people in an overtly masculine society.. as women think they need to man up to be taken seriously in a male based society and professional world..but then we are left with insensitivity, repression and denial of emotions..because women don’t want to be called dramatic and overly emotional in a professional world.. what is professionalism anyway..it was created by male based logical thinking.. it wasn’t created to encompass the female mind.. our minds are based on instinct of nurturing..women read body language more than we read words..we are highly sensitive to other’s moods because our feminine DNA created us to nurture ..to be highly sensitive to an infant’s body language and tone.. because babies cannot use language..and so to not allow the feminine qualities to be seen as valuable as masculine qualities stops humanity and society from the full expression of the human condition.. what do we loose when we deny emotions .. compassion and empathy, intimacy, unconditional love, nurturing, we loose softness, kindness and tenderness..

The rise of the Feminine brings balance back into our world…

I am not going to repress my womanhood anymore..to make others more comfortable.. I am not going to “suck it up” and I feel sorry for people who are to repressed to express their emotions..because if you cannot have compassion for the self, softness and kindness for the self.. you cannot express these things towards others..

Truly men are trapped in their tough guy social conditioning.. I have a son..and I know how much he loves his mother’s softness, tenderness and long hugs.. I think men crave women to be women.. I think he wants someone he can fall apart with ..someone he can fall into that isn’t going to expect him to ” suck it up and be a man”

This tender heart..the heart of compassion is missing in society.. strong women are the ones who are brave enough be fully women and express their emotions..and love their bodies.

To answer the question ” What if women manned up?” The world would become a hard cold place ..barren of all intimacy, love and affection..and we would grieve the mother in every woman.

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