Archive for the ‘Digging deep for treasure’ Category

The Dream Within The Dream

 

I had the most amazing dream about the Egyptian Gods….

In my dream they spoke to me in dreams within the dream.. they sent me on a mission to find the heart… it was in the most unsuspecting place were no one thought it would be.. in a humble garden over grown with weeds.. it was once a place of lovers.. but the world has lost true love, so the garden was forgotten.. the spirits whispered to me the path and the way in the darkness..as those of the world tried to lead me away.. but I chose to listen to the spirits as I felt their love for love compel me… and in the darkness in the gateway was the heart.. cold..dormant and sleeping. I was told there was a key..by the spirits.. they told me to raise my hand towards the heart.. and when I did the heart started to open and bloom..it shined and shimmered.. and my hand became the key.. I was the key the entire time.. and I was chosen to bring the treasure to the people.. the ones of the birthright..

I had opened the heart of compassion.. and the old world of greed started to crumble..they sent their kind to find me and destroy me.. the greedy, heartless ones.. but the spirits told me…and they made them blind to me with their magic.. and they sent spirits to protect me and lead me to the treasure.. and right under their noses..I unlocked the golden chest .. as I am the key and they didn’t know it.. blind as they are to love..

I found the old scrolls of wisdom in the chest… and the beginning of creation…and I set the wisdom free into this reality again..

They are so blind.. they thought they had control.. but now the Gods are here.

This was my dream.. I awoke feeling protected.

 

Near Death Experience and the Ego

 

I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.

I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.

In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.

What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)

I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..

As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!

But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom

I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.

As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.

My Inner Demons

 

I couldn’t sleep last night because my inner demons tormented me.. I crunched numbers in my head.. trying to figure out how on earth I was going to pay all the bills on time and have extra money to buy my kids the extra things that their dad refused to buy.. I cried and my heart raced with panic. My inner demons screamed at me ” They would be better off with their father, he has all the money, all the luck and people love him. No one will ever love you, you will never be successful.. people can’t stand you in this city.. you should give up. Give up everything, no one wants you or your message. Remember they told you that. They think you are a whore. They think your a looser, single mother, they think your crazy. GIVE UP!!!” I cried as all hope left me.. “What if I am a fool, what if it is all true.?” My demons screeched back to me ” Of course it’s true, your own brother and sister hate you. Your ex and all of his family deserted you. People will never understand you; you have never fit in and you never will, no one will every get you. Your not lovable, your detestable.. you are a social reject, no man in his right mind would want to waist his time with you and your bad luck.. GIVE UP!!”

I told my demons ” Shut up, stop jumping on my heart, stop trying to break my heart and my spirit.. I need to sleep.. I need my health.. I need my piece. I will ask at my gym for a job tomorrow.. I will find a part time job somehow.. I will get by… I will.”

I had nightmares all night.. of all the people in the professional community that despised me.. all the people that made cruel comments on my blog and facebook.. all my struggles.. nightmares of my ex and loosing my children.. nightmares of people breaking into my home to hurt me.. I woke up a lot.. in the morning I was sad.. so sad, tired and drained from stress and sorrow.

I did go to the gym.. I did ask for a job.. It is so hard for me to ask anyone for anything..even work..but there was no position available until maybe September.. then my demons started at me through my work out ” Your ex will not pay for school supplies and school clothing for the kids.. your fucked, the kids are better off with him, you can’t do it.. no one wants you to work for them.. ” I kept working out.. I kept at it.. I did my deadlifts .. increasing my weights up to 45 on each side of the barbell.. should be more than 100 I am lifting with the barbell.. My trainer told me I am pretty.. another lady at the gym told me I am looking good.. ” Hang on to that Gracie” I think to myself.. ” Hang on to the positive.” my demons say ” They are just being nice stupid.” ohh how they are tormenting me like never before..but I work through my entire workout..and no one knows the conversations within; as my nasty, rotten ego pounds the shit out of me.. I cry in the shower at the gym..were no one can hear me.. I give in and break under the torment.

” Hang on” I think.. ” You can do this, you can make it through this.. remember the facebook message..the guy who said he has a business opportunity for you.. maybe this will be the thing to get me through this.”

I got home and I called him.. but .. but.. but

He wanted me to help him promote his online escort service through my erotic writing.. ” It can make you a lot of money.. a LOT OF MONEY$$$$$$$$.. It’s not about pornography” he said.. I questioned him with ” Is it legal?’ ” Yes he said..and don’t over think it.. that’s your problem your making it too complicated.. you think to much.. this can make you a ton of money ..think about it with a business frame of mind.” “but” I said ” My website and book are about sacred sex..about sex for love..this will go against everything I stand for.”.. ” Just think about it .” he cautioned me..” Be wise and give it some thought.” So I did.

Driving to pick up my kids from school my demons said ” You need the money to support your kids.. just think about having more money than your ex.. just think about the exposure on a world wide market selling your writing and getting your name out into the world.. think about fame and money..think about supporting your kids properly.. sometimes you just have to give in and do what the devil does.”

It was raining..as my children ran out of the school doors..but they wanted to stay and play as usual.. I sat under my big green umbrella ..hiding myself even after the rain stopped.. because I didn’t want the children playing to see my sad face.. I thought to myself ” look at them all innocent, beautiful and sweet.. I don’t want them growing up in this world were integrity is sold out for money.. were sex is a commodity that is stripped of love.” I hope no one saw the odd tear that slipped down my face.. I was so ..so filled with sorrow..

I remembered the day that I took the pictures for my website.. I saw myself then.. filled with hope..filled with divine inspiration to unite love and sex.. to bring back the sacred..even when those dirty old men hid behind trees to see me naked.. I knew what they didn’t know.. I was swimming upstream.. like the little salmon.. swimming up to the future to deliver the next generation to hope..to dream .. to aspire.

And I knew I couldn’t sell out..

Just then my son came running up to me for a hug.. my little kindergartener.. his hood up to protect him from the rain.. his blond, scruffy bangs blowing in the wind.. his bright blue eyes filled with wonder.. his sweet little pink cheeks and lips.. and he put his cheek into my hand..and said ” Mommy I love you.”

The demons were silenced.

When It Rains It Pours

 

I don’t even know where to start.. I guess the worst thing is that my son is really sick with a viral infection to his lungs.. he is only 5. It makes my heart bleed to see him struggle to breath and to see him choke on his breath. On top of him being sick my ex husband.. his dad will not switch off weekends , he is insisting on taking him and his sisters this weekend because the next weekend he has plans for him and his girlfriend on Valentines .. It just makes me sick that I feel like I am the only one that truly cares about my children.. Tyler will still be recovering next weekend. If I don’t give him the kids he has said he will not see them for over 20 days instead of change his plans to this weekend.

Tyler woke up super sick this morning and now his big sister Tessa is getting sick too.. on top of that my landlord is breathing down my neck for the rent..that I can afford to pay but there is broken tiles in the shower and a high possibility of black mold,, this maybe what has made Tyler so ill.. we have to move out suddenly.. I told the Landlord I would need him to pay the moving expenses as we cannot live here for the full year and so he should pay the expense of a moving truck that I payed moving in..and I need to keep money for a damage deposit to find a place right away because of the health issues with living here.. he agreed to my face but now that I have not payed the rent he put a 10 day notice on my door while I had to get Tyler to the doctor by cab because my car also broke down today.. The Landlord scared my older girls that I left at home because they were sick too.. he banged on the door demanding that I was home to them.. I am so mad!

My son spiked at temp and he blew out into a red rash all over his face before I took him to the doctor.. I was terrified..and then earlier he was in the car with me when it almost stalled on the side of the road.. he was with me when I went to go look for another place as I felt I needed to even with my sick little boy because the Landlord was harassing me by email and scaring me to death.. It has been a panic filled day.. and I have felt bullied by my landlord.

I am so afraid even with Tyler’s new meds that he might get sicker tonight.. I had emailed my landlord telling him about my car and my sick kids but he still felt the need to stick a Notice to end Tenancy on my door saying if I don’t dispute him he will kick me and my kids out by Feb 14th.

With my Human Rights Claim and now with this and 3 sick kids and a broken down car and an ex husband that is a selfish ass and no family to help me.. I just don’t know how I am going to do it all??

And I think my Landlord is a very cruel person who only cares about money and not doing what is right.

I guess I have no other choice but to dispute him..and to try to take care of my sick kids..and get my car fixed..and find a new place to live..and see my Human Rights Claim to the end..and deal with a nasty ex husband..

I need people to send us happy thoughts, good energy and prayers please

Losing it.. loss and death

 

When I was at the tender age of 5 my parents gave me a Ballerina Barbie doll for my birthday.. she had a golden crown.. and a pink dress.. I loved her. Soon after I had a very vivid dream, my dolly told me..as she danced around me .. that my family was my earth family, that they were not my soul family and I would loss them all. This was a prophetic dream as that is exactly what happened. When I was 13 my mother took her own life. When I was 16 I ran away from home to avoid my father’s abuse and neglect. I felt my reality shift from under me, it felt as if the ground it’s self had swallowed me whole. I had my first panic attach..I was 16, I woke up one morning in another new foster home and for a few seconds I couldn’t remember were I was.. my reality was shifting like the sands of time  so swiftly that I had no baring… I had no foundation.

I experienced years of this shifting from place to place.. though out school and college I drifted.. never really having a solid foundation.. always loss present.. always losing friends and situations.. I was the wanderer .. I was on the Hero’s Journey.. when I met and married my husband I thought my days of intense loss were over.. I thought the grief was behind me and for a time it was.. we had 2 little girls. We started a business together, bought a home and renovated it..but then death came a knocking.. I miscarried again and again.. the worst one I was half way through a pregnancy when the prophetic dream came to me.. I dreamed of loosing my little boy.. and a week later the cramps started..and in the ultra sound at the hospital he was still. I gave birth to my dead baby… and as I did that day, my marriage began to erode and I felt him drifting from me as he resented me for bring so much death into his life.. I felt the sand under my feet shift slowly as it represented my marriage decaying and dying a slow painful death.. I sat with death at this time.. the death of my baby and the dying of my marriage.. yet still we conceived our son..but as I entered into the third trimester of my pregnancy he was having an affair with an employee of ours.. In spite of this I managed to give birth to a healthy baby boy.. and with that I saw life and death together as one.. the cycle of evolution..

Then more death…  another prophetic dream of my sister’s impending death..yes even more as my sister became ill, as my marriage was dying and with this my own health took a tumble from the stress of it all.. my sister passed on ..but she evolved my soul as she showed me how to die with bravery and dignity. And with that my husband left me… My world and my reality totally empty.. the abyss so deep and dark .. I was in a grave.. all had decomposed around me..and yet I had to hold on through the darkness, the pitch black darkness for the sake of my children..to hang onto my will to live that tried to seep away from me ..as the wounds..the emotional wounds were bleeding me out.. yet I clung.

I sat in the lap of death.. me and the Grim Reaper, became good friends.. I sat with sorrow, I sat with hopelessness .. in the middle of the dark cold, lonely nights they took me over and they taught me wisdom.. They taught me that nothing and no one in this world defines me.. there is no thing that controls me.. no one controls me but me.. they taught me about the weaving of life.. the seen and the unseen forces of life and death connecting all things.. they invited me to stay for awhile in the darkness.. to stay and find and mine the treasures of the soul and the spirit..and it was in this barren God forsaken place I was tempered.. I was crushed.. I was broken.. I was tested.. It was here I found my spark and my passion as I turned on my soul..as I rose out of the darkness by the will of my spirit..by the will of the PASSION to live on..to thrive..to do more than survive..but burn..to ignite to roar and rip out of the darkness using it as my very fuel to propel me forward and up and out..

I learned to live on my own.. I expressed my pain and wisdom in my art and writing.. I strengthened my body to match my soul..

This is not just my journey .. it is yours too.. I can promise you through experience.. if you hold strong and if you sit with your emotions and honor you losses .. you will overcome and thrive.. I promise

honesty

 

Compassion or sympathy for yourself is not being weak.. having compassion brings us to the understanding of our feelings.. or our emotions.. this is very important as our emotions are the internal compass that guides us and directs us down the correct path or paths of our lives.. when we turn off our emotions and deny our pain we loose direction in life.. so we must be honest and truthful as to our intentions, needs and wants.

My intention has been to become as free as possible.. it has been to help others experience this freedom with my intention to be as honest and as compassionate with myself as possible by honoring my feelings and my journey..as I am on a very human journey and our journeys mirror each other..there is much in my writing that many can relate too.. I hope to help other’s find their own compassion for themselves..

I have found it.. I have found self love.. I have found it down a very dark and sometimes scary path of intense loneliness.. but we all need to do it..we all need to have an amount of time in our lives to go into those dark places of the soul to mine our treasure.. to find meaning.. without other’s approval and with out material baggage..both of these things we can use to define us..but they truly do not.. for it is the heart and the intentions in the heart..that define the soul.. it is in the heart of compassion that the mind becomes clarified and cleansed of past experiences and traumas.. and so it has been this way for me.. I have found my treasure and it is my strength.. I have not failed.. I thought I had as I was defining myself through other’s eyes.. I was defining myself as the world would define success.. but on a spiritual definition I have found in myself so much more than I have ever thought possible.. I found compassion..and in that compassion for myself.. I have found compassion and the ability to forgive others.. I have learned that forgiving happens it steps and stages.. it takes time..as one has to feel each emotion to follow the pathway to the destination of forgiveness; as it is also a journey along the heart..

I have learned there are many that are not capable of understanding deep wisdom.. the wisdom of the Goddess..and other Divine wisdoms.. and in that knowing I can begin to forgive them ..as they simply do not know any better than what they are able to understand.. with this.. I can let them go and continue down this trail that I am forging.. that I am creating as I go..as it is my Divine Purpose to do so… and with that I can love myself and others… I can love the journey.. I can love the experience..and when I come to those times of intense hopelessness.. ( as I will again) I can forgive again and come to compassion.. I can love regardless of how other’s treat me or how they affect me,, this is true unconditional love.

I have learned not to give myself away to those who do not deserve me.. but I have learned to let them go with love..

Even if my book is not worldly success.. my spiritual journey with The Goddess Energy.. has been my success

As love is the destination.

White Trash

 

I am the woman who came from the wrong side of the tracks.. I was the beaten, poor and starved child. My mother had a serious mental illness, she took her own life when I was 13. I put myself in foster homes ..and I was miserable in them..they were never home.. I was called “white trash” by my friend’s parents and by some kids my own age.. it has always haunted me.

I didn’t graduate with my class.. I was so mature, I just couldn’t relate to kids my age.. I had already been to war and back in my daily life.. I went to the local college to finish my grade 12. I stayed a virgin until I was finished school.. “god forbid I should be white trash and a slut too” I thought.. so was careful not to. I furthered my education..got married a bit later .. we built up a business.. he had an affair while I was expecting our son..anyway through the divorce rip, job ..settlement ( I settled out because he was so nasty) I was able to start this website.. write my book..and so on.

I am not a trained or schooled artist.. so to many artist I am not really an artist.. I am white trash.

I am a single mom..so to many in my community I am white trash.

I am selling sexual content in my book and on my website.. so to many I am white trash and a slut.

I was at a local art show a few months ago..and a artist was doing a painting and letting everyone add something to the painting.. she asked me what I would put on it.. I said “white trash” she laughed..but I told her.. that’s how people see me, because that is how they have treated me..because I come from the wrong side of the tacks..

*sigh* stereotyping at it’s best.. the upper crust of society seeing me as white trash.. I am a good looking woman so it is assumed that I will use men to climb up the social latter..and so I am treated this way by wealthy men..as if I am for sale..I am disrespected as an equal to them..and then to women, I am seen as that possible threat..white trash.

This is the truth as to whom I am.. I put my kids first.. 3 years I have been single.. yes I have dated but my kids never met any of them.. I don’t have strange men passing through my kid’s lives.. I don’t drink ( just on occasion but not to get drunk) I don’t smoke.. I live pure lifestyle..because I love my body and myself.. I am very organized and a bit of a creature of habit.. as I am a single mom with no help at all..but I like adventure..when my kids are at their dads I like doing fun stuff. If I wanted to use wealthy men for money… I would have..but I am self reliant.

The thing is people scare the shit out of me.. I have learned since starting my website and selling my book.. people can be real assholes.

Last year this time I had a real childlike trust.. I gave people my trust first.. I just assumed people would be honest, kind and trustworthy like me.. nope assuming that showed me how many assholes there are in my town.

I took my last two post down because I realized I was trying to impress and trying reach out to someone who hurt me online… then I saw that I was doing the same thing I had done with other people..that showed me they couldn’t be trusted.. and I stopped and took the post down..  I am so sick and tired of reaching out to people only to be bitten again.. I am just not doing it.. I feel this person should have been reaching out to me..since they hurt my feelings..but nope there I go again being an idiot.. as usual he will only see me as white trash as well..as they all run in clicks in my town.. and I am from the wrong side of the track to them.. Ohhh they are so blind.

It’s going to be a very hard 2 1/2 weeks without my kids this Christmas.. 3 Christmases alone.. like I am totally alone..and I don’t feel that I can go to any events or reach out anymore to my town or community.. I am sick of being back bitten by snotty people looking down their noses at me..talking to me like I am a slow child when most of them don’t have half my common sense nor do they have my wisdom.. half of them don’t know what hell they are talking about..

As far as men.. I stopped trying.. no online dating, I really don’t want to go out..and when I do.. I know I am not meeting a good man at a club..forget that..and it seems that it  will be impossible to meet the guy for me in this spiritually constipated city!

So I am preparing myself to go it alone.

 

Crying

 

 

I have been crying

I read a guys book, he was from my town, I told him how much I liked it and studied it at the beach this summer. It was about public speaking, how to be yourself, how to have passion for your purpose, how to connect with people.. I took notes on the beach while my children played around me. I took my time reading it because I wanted to absorb the information…and I really liked and admired the man who wrote it. I never met him, but he is intelligent, passionate and I thought authentic.. so rare in this town. There are so many fake people, so many look the same and do the same, afraid to standout and be different least they should be shamed. They are all very important people… or so they want others to think.. like a small town Hollywood.. lots an lots of expensive cars and fake boobs here.. He seemed different.. I friend him off facebook.. he was happy to hear about how much I liked his book.

But he found out who I was really was, when I posted a happy birthday message on his facebook he took it off..but he kept the very important people’s happy birthday wishes up.. I was shameful I guess as my profile picture was me as Isis topless..and yes I had written about how the woman from Spirit Of Kelowna had attempted to humiliate me by telling me that my website was unacceptable to Kelowna Woman in Business.. how she had defined whore to me.. suggesting that is what the business world thought of me.. ( the woman from Spirit of Kelowna is right..she is the spirit of Kelowna..fake) and I wrote about the man from The Entrepreneur Society asking me if my father had fucked me.. in front of my 5 year old son..as I would have to be sexually fucked up to write about sacred sexuality and have this type of photography done of me.. of course these are his people and I am not.. I am the shamed one.

I told him all that and that I was unfriending him on facebook because of that.. he responded ( do not comment on my fan page – thanks) and sent me the link that I was not supposed to comment on.. I told him he was a fake and that I was throwing his book in the trash.. when I took his very well read book off my book case ( the pages were falling out) I looked at his picture and cried.. the dream shattered of who I thought he was.. his message a lie.. he is a well packged written lie.. but worst of all is this.. this hurts me and cuts me so deeply words can not express.. he is a good looking fit man my age, that loves to work out and is passionate about many of the same things I am ..and he shamed me as a dirty slut ( even when I write that I cry the pain is so deep).. I have had to fight and fight to be heard and not abused in my city..so many rumors going on about what a slut I am.. It has been so long since I was with a man it is like physical pain..because they have all been the same in this town..takers and users.. like sleeping with a person without a soul.. but I am slut to the Business world in my city and that is what he has been told.. or it is his own ignorance.. his own prejudice that runs his actions of excluding me from .. everything..I have no platform to speak from in this town.. I have no family to support me.. I am totally alone with three kids who`s dad is rarely around because he is selfish..

There is nowhere left for me to go in this sexist, ignorant town.. there is nothing here for me but I can move my kids away from their dad.. I am stuck here judged and shunned by people who are kind to their own kind.. I am alone and doing everything I can.. using social media to break my message out of this town..but because this man hurt me so deeply and because I am still crying and picking myself back up.. I am wounded.. I am cut..by him..a man that I admired that cut me down..I disabled my facebook account because my emotions are so raw.. I cannot be effective and I might lash out and hurt others by accident..even on twitter today I said a bunch of stuff I should not have..

I am hiding socially from my town.. no social functions, nothing with other artist.. I feel battered and beat up..and then the rumor goes around that not only am I a slut..but a victim

Prejudice

Prejudice- unreasonable unfair dislike of someone or something, to cause a disadvantage to.

I am writing to you about my most recent experiences of being singled out of society because of my work on the Goddess.

When I first started my blog..well I lost about 40 friends on facebook.. many from high school who wouldn’t accept who I grew into.. when I used my sensual photographs on my blog that I posted on facebook.. I was pretty much ran out of the townhouses that my kids and I lived in..because of course I was a (slut)..a ( drama queen) and a ( unfit mother) to name but a few names I was called.. it became like a witch hunt and it started to trickle down to my kids..and so we moved to a house across town.

But it was just the beginning..as I started to ask around town for a place to do the photography for my website.. my emails were ignored, I was shunned, and shamed.. by local Wineries and local Gardens.. I drove up to one Public Garden to ask them face to face why they had not answered my email..before they new it was me that had emailed them they told me they answered their emails same to next day.. when I explained the content of the email.. I was told ” you are not welcome in our Gardens.” right in front of my kids..when I asked if I could pay like everyone else to just take my kids in to look around..they walked away and ignored us..

I was reading the local paper one day and an write up was in it about the local Entrepreneur Society.. with an email so I emailed him..I sent him the cover shot of the book and I told him what the book was about and what the website was going to be about.. I told him about the problems I was having. I told him I thought his society could help me learn how to network better and that I may learn from others how to promote my book.. I gave him my phone number.. he told me over the phone that the picture of the book cover gave him a hard on.. my thoughts were ( fuck not another asshole) but yes he was.. he wanted to meet me at a nice little coffee and tea house.. I told him that I was bringing my 5 year old son with me..I explained to him that although the content of my book is about women`s sexuality and the website was going to be about sacred sexuality.. that with my son with us at the meeting I wanted the talk to be kept clean. No such luck.. first off my son must of read his energy because he wanted nothing to do with this older man.. right in front of my son.. he used the words FUCKING..and he talked about father`s fucking their daughters.. he went on about native people being the worst for this.. ( he was racist) he wanted to know how I had gotten into sex..why I was so interested.. had my father fucked me..

I left the meeting sickened..and feeling so hurt for my son.. who was sitting there eating his cookie and drinking his milk.. my poor little innocent boy watching his mother being totally disrespected and treated like dirt.. I did write him an email after a couple of days.. I was in shock.. this was in May of 2012.. this next email I am including that I wrote to a friend has been what has happened to me in the last 3 months.. I just don`t feel like typing the same thing all over again so I am just including it..as it is my email to her and I am just leaving her identity out of it..

 

To start off, I used the picture of me nude with the runes to show my self naked and stripped of my ego..that was the symbolic intent. It is to show strength in vulnerability.
*sigh* I have been sad.. the post was to show that I have detached myself from the world and society.. here is why.
To start the man on twitter that proclaims himself an Angel.. turned out to be married for 29 years.. in a sexless marriage ( or so he says) he wanted to skype with me when his wife and kids were busy… my intuition was very clear as to he wanted to have online sex with me.. it made me feel so sad and hopeless towards men.. that even a man that seemed so (good) could want to use me.
I have said somethings to the other so called Earth Angel the European guy on his art page but he is also just a man on a power-trip as well.. he just ignores me after telling me that I was the love of his lives.. having him tell me I was his twin flame is to say as much..and so it is that these men.. drain away my hope.
Then a man that held the Bella Dona event that I read the book at.. was pissed off at me for not wanting to be his woman and to write a book with him.. I asked him for help as to contacts here in my city to hold a Goddess Group.. he became very arrogant and temperamental and insisted that he help to run things with men involved as well and that it wouldn’t work any other way.. when I was polite and wished him well and told him I would go on my own way.. he blocked me on facebook after wishing me a good life.. ( meaning go fuck yourself)
Then a very well known man..that is a patron of the Arts here in my city.. got the wrong impression of me .. we were friends.. I made it clear to him that I only wanted to be his friend.. I am not attracted to him physically as he is much older than me.. any way we went out one day to a winery.. and he started to say some questionable things like ” Gracie you are like a black widow.. ” of course this means that I use and discard men.. I think giving him a reason to not respect me..as it seems they always have to find a reason to discredit you to give themselves permission to treat a woman like shit.. after a day of drinking.. I went to his house..when I was putting my shoes on sitting on the stairs.. he came up behind me and pulled my dress off my shoulder and cupped my bare breast while kissing my neck from behind.. I didn’t know what to do.. I don’t know why but for some reason I was stunned and I let him because I was scared.. I don’t know why but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I gracefully separated myself from him and talked my way out the door.. before this I had given him a copy of my book that he had not read yet as I gave it to him at the beginning of the day.. I thought being a patron of the Arts and being an older man that he would be mature and educated enough to understand why I was giving it to him..as I was looking for support in the Arts due to our very repressed city.. but he started to text message me a few days after with intense sexual messages like ” I want to suckle your breast.” Then when I saw him at a local Arts show..he pretended not to know me.. he wouldn’t give me eye contact not even when I touched his arm..as I am a risk socially to a social climber, mover and a shaker.. I felt USED again.. I talked to him on facebook as I was afraid to meet with him..because I didn’t want to be felt up again.. or have to tell him to back off.. He told me I was ” as sexual bully.” meaning a tease of course.. I wished him well as he continued to tell me off..I unfriended him..I did so before he had recontacted me with the explanation of him ignoring me in public.. what a mess.. what a mess.. I have lost hope in men.
But women have been just as cruel.. I was hushed at a reading..the woman that held the party..that hushed me..because I was offending people.. had everyone come inside so it was more private.. everyone else read from their work..and sang and so on.. I was hushed in the middle of my reading and then once inside not asked to read again while all the other woman had their peace.. I was so hurt..she said sorry to me in hushed way..but I was not given room to read anymore.. she never contacted me on facebook after that.. there was a woman there as well that runs a spiritual business.. ran by her alone.. she told me I was too much of a warrior and that basically it was by my own doing that men have treated me the way they have..my 5 year old son was at this gathering with me..as 5 year olds do he was acting up as he was tired.. he was pushing on my tummy ..because that is how high he is..she said he was pushing on my ovaries as a defense because I was a threat to his little masculinity..then without asking me she felt she needed to do some healing touch therapy on my little boy.. It got worse..she invited me to a meeting with her a couple of days later..were she told me I wouldn’t be acceptable to society because of the pictures on my website..she went so far as to suggest that I was not spiritually enlightened unless I abstained from sex ..and that when I met the right person.. I should wait 3 months before even kissing them..and if the sex was not great that we could create intimacy through just cooking dinner together ( she has been divorced 3x) she went so far as to define the word whore to me and the root of the word..she told me that Woman in Business from my city wouldn’t except me as a speaker or a business woman unless I made myself less of a threat sexually by buttoning up in a business suit..she told me that my thoughts about giving birth to my light body .. well were just my thoughts..and that the proof would be in how I stopped living out of my lower chakra..and that would be when I stopped giving off so much sexual energy..and I was not seen as a threat to other women..as a potential husband stealer.
Before she had said all of this ..she seemed very much like she was supportive of me..she asked me what my biggest sin was sexually.. I felt I could confide in her without being judged .. so I told her.. and she proceeded to shame me..
I unfriended both of these women on facebook.. I stopped following Women in Business on twitter and told them why..that she had told me that I was not acceptable to their group.. I have felt so bullied myself.
My Arts Council took my post off their wall.. that I was looking for a male model..they did so without giving me the common respect of an explanation..and so I unfriended them on facebook as well as I feel I am not respected as an artist nor as a person..
I have been so hurt.. that I have stayed out of society.. do not go to any events.. I do not try.. I am not trying.. because I am only excluded.. labeled.. judged..used by men and as a scapegoat by women..
And then when I have the guts to say that I am hurt.. I am once again labeled a victim..and then of course it is all my fault..because having a so called “victim mentality” I bring their actions on to me..by my own manifestation of them..
And so it is I am in this world but not of it.. as I have to remain detached in order to make my own way through the ignorance of others.
I have always been different.. I have never fit in.. I was born an old soul.. that is the label that they gave me.. or what they called me.. I have run into other old souls.. and we don`t fit in because we see the world as it is..we make other people uncomfortable.. I am a minority and I have always known this.. this why I like other people that are different .. what others see as strange I take comfort in.. I like being around people of different cultures and ways of being..ever since I was a child my best friends were the ones who were real and authentic..but that makes a lot of people uncomfortable because if you are real .. it shows them their fake..so you get shunned and shamed.
I have a gift for my City .. Kelowna.. all the names that I have been called ( Victim, Whore, Slut, Seductress, Bad Mother, Unacceptable, Offensive..etc) this is not my shame this is your shame.. SHAME ON YOU.
This is not revenge.. I am not taking part in your victimization of me.. I will not.

ABSTINENCE

 

To Pasteurize sexuality..

Some seem to think it makes them saintly .. I think it is self-denial…as to ABSTAIN in the dictionary means to deny the self.

This state of PIOUSNESS leads to being hypocritical and behaving in condescending way to others as to have a “holier-than-thou” attitude..

What I have found by the actions of those that abstain from sex until marriage or until a relationship is months into being established as “stable” is that they have a higher rate of divorce, mediocrity in their relationships, and years of unhappiness due to a unfulfilled sex life. One partner usually cheats..be it emotionally, sexually or in both ways.. there is almost always a power struggle..as the relationship was not balanced in the first place.

Sex is the foundation of any relationship.. you can have many things in common, you can have an intense friendship and love..but if there is not that spark.. or passion it can not sustain it’s self..as the foundation with in the body is based on the ROOT CHAKRA .. if those roots are not deep within the relationship..the relationship will fall like tree by the intense winds of change and destiny.. both partners must be equally matched in the root chakra for the relationship to be enduring..there is no other way.

But if you have a low sex drive and meet someone that is of the same energy than of course it will work..but to expect someone to stay with you that needs sex..it is selfish and childish..

I am not saying that we sleep with every person that we meet to find out if we are a sexual match..but I am saying to wait to find out after marriage or after months an months of dating is a waist of time and energy.. time and energy you could of spent on your own life and with the right partner.

Those who think that abstinence makes them somehow more pure of spirit are truly only feeding the ego with this saintly persona.. and they use it to control and manipulate other’s due to the fear within themselves of letting go of control and simply understanding the wisdom that LIFE IS THE EXPERIENCE ..they are indeed being cowardly.

Back to the word and the meaning of the word PASTEURIZE..means to sterilize..when we disinfect sex..we take away from it’s organic nature..as we do so in our society and with the very food we eat..we take away from the natural medicine that is inherent in it’s natural state.. we take away the magic.. because we fear contamination.. yet by our fear of contamination we strip away what was natural and good in the first place..the truth is you can not take away risk.. such is the nature of LIFE.

 

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