It’s getting easier because I am seeing what is out there in society today. Even at my gym I watch married people flirting ..attempting to carry on ( at the very least ) emotional affairs so that they don’t have to face the responsibility or take ownership of their own integrity in their relationships to their spouses. People want fluff, they don’t seem to want anything deep and meaningful. It seems both men and women don’t understand that the spark ( the Ideal) of the relationship cannot last forever..it usually only last a couple of years ..then the rose colored glasses dim..and you are faced with loving the real person not the ideal that you thought they were..and if you cannot do that..then have the integrity to leave the relationship before side-stepping into another one with someone else.. and then those who flirt with married people.. wtf are you doing? Have the integrity not to allow yourself to be played into someone else’s games.. the game of hide and seek from their own truth.. of not wanting to grow up and face their own problems.. that is what a real meaningful relationship teaches us.. others show us our strengths and weaknesses.. it isn’t meant to be easy .. sometimes it’s damn hell.. It is supposed to be both heaven and hell..as both the light and dark lives in each soul.
Now switching over to men.. this is what I see.. selfish men who don’t actually want a woman that is equal to them..they are macho not masculine.. macho in that they need a woman to fill a role and to complete an emptiness that is inside of them.. that emptiness is caused by men who need a woman to dumb herself down..so that she doesn’t challenge him into evolving into a full manhood. A dumb woman that knows her place in his life.. as a servant to his ego; doesn’t cause him to question his own selfish motives.. What I see are men intently and with greed, accumulating their own social status and toys will giving as little of themselves and their time, their emotions or intellect to a woman as is possible.. They don’t want to be truly intimate, to share their lives or resources..what they want is to get as much as they can from a woman while giving as little as possible.
I see men being boys..breaking a woman’s sense of her self worth by playing her against other women .. making her feel easily replaceable unless she gives herself up to him.. I will not give a guy like this my time, my energy or even a thought.. he isn’t worth it.. he is not worthy..
I see lots of men.. who say the are men, who profess to have courage..but when the the time comes to show courage by action..the use excuses or remain silent, or make themselves scarce.. What I am saying..is that I see boys fooling themselves into believing they are men. I see boys who are afraid, afraid to stand by one good woman, who are afraid to go into emotional depths, who are afraid to invest their hearts into the heart of one good woman.. Instead it is easier to date and sleep with girls who are not real women..because a real woman wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like second best..a second, third or forth place on his list of priorities.. a real woman would make sure she was his first priority, and the he was her’s.. but what I see are people who are settling ..to be treated without dignity or respect..
This makes it easier and easier for me to remain celibate.. I will not be treated with coldness or brutality, I will not be put last on his list, I will not allow selfishness and immaturity into my life.. and I will not show my children by bad example how to be treated with disrespect..
I respect myself .. I respect my kids.. and I respect the good man that is out there somewhere.. I respect him enough not to settle for anything less but him..if he manifests into my life or not.. I am not giving myself away to little men who are not worthy of a good woman. I will do for myself.
It’s funny that once a dog has puppies she is called a bitch.. It kinda works that way. Once you become a mother your less likely to take shit from people.. you go from maiden to mistress.. in that you learn to own it. You learn to own you body for the first time in your life.. you learn about morning sickness and leaky breast.. you are baptized in poop..those wonderful breast milk poops that come out of your babies bottom like hot squirting lava.. you learn about blood.. you learn that childbirth has been made romantic and dreamy by media bullshit.. in birth you learn it’s a blood bath.. it’s all blood and water..birthing water mixed with blood..shit yes you learn to own your body and you learn that you need to be a bitch to get shit done.. to get your message across to your partner when your so sleep deprived that words escape you.. just a grunt and a point .. ” just hand me the fucking bottle!”
My girlfriend and I are both now single mothers; contending with nasty pouting exes.. both of them keeping money and assets away..both of them abusive and controlling .. mine still owns me $24,000.00 My girlfriend is going broke paying lawyers just to do simple things.. I know that I have to go after my ex without a lawyer because lawyers fees would eat up the entire amount in the attempt to get him to pay what he legally owes. Both of us are concerned for our safety as both of our exes seem to be capable of harming us.. I really am afraid to go after him for the money.. this also is the messy part of single parenting..Divorce and separation of assets..and of course to our exes we are bitches that deserve nothing.
Being a single mother on mother’s day sucks.. both of us didn’t want to take ourselves out for a mother’s day brunch or winery tour.. or buy ourselves flowers and chocolates.. knowing that other married mother’s were being spoiled by family was a real downer for us.. we took our kids to the park.. and when our kids were busy playing we got down to bitchen in a good way.
Both of us are highly sexed women.. meaning that sex means a lot to us..so guess what we talk about most of the time….?? The lack of good sex. How sex deprived we both were in our marriages .. and how on earth were we going to meet someone worth it? Seriously.. we both just want that guy we want to molest constantly..and the guy that takes pride in giving a woman pleasure… not just getting himself off.. no way! There are so many guys like that..
“No overly religious guys” I blurted ” I hate that fucking ..be a good girl and let me be the head of the house shit” My Friend says ” Oh my God.. when they start talking about how God has done this or that.. I run. There is a woman I know that married a guy that was a Muslim..he was so anal.. he made her cover her head and shit.” I laughed ..she said ” I don’t think they believe in divorce.. I would rebel and come home with cum in my hair..” I BURST OUT LAUGHING..the way she said it touching her hair like it had globs of cum in it.. I was rolling on our picnic blanket busting a gut…I said ” Like with cum on your breath?” OMG.. we laughed ” I am gonna pee!” we both said..
Then we talked about living with just enough while or exes had all the freedom to work and play at will..while our entire income went into raising the kids..while they traveled and bought new vehicles.. we talked about the endless cycle of housework, cooking and grocery shopping.. about all the responsibility and about how hard it was to find free time to work, to take care of ourselves, to have any free time..and then the mother guilt that the ex husbands didn’t have..
Than back to sex again.. and eating watermelon and mango..both sexy foods you know? “What kind of sex do your crave?” she asked me ” I want someone who is physical like me and has my energy..someone who isn’t afraid to explore..and who will like it when I tell him what I need him to do.” ” What about you” I asked her. ” The same fucking thing!” She said.. I told her ” A man that makes you feel marked by him.. you know he is so passionate that you couldn’t imagine being with any other guy but him.. like he owns your mind and body..because no one can make you as hot as him.” “FUCKING EXACTLY.. that’s fucking hot..do you think we can find it?” ..” I hope so.” I said depressed.
” I am so sexually frustrated..doing the passion parties and reading about great sex and even having someone to re-start a spark with.. you know I am so sick of taking care of my own business.. it has been so long since I have been with a man..and then the last couple of guys that I have been with in the last 3 1/2 years since my marriage ended..well they were a disappointment .. I have been deprived for fucking years!”.. I said with utter frustration..” I think I am just so fucking frustrated.. I am on match.com but it’s just ..like yuck..guys that don’t give a shit about their bodies..don’t have my level of energy..they all seem boring as hell.. my vibrator will do compared to these guys.. no fucking thanks!
” Me too Gracie… me too”
So what is the fucking point to this post.. the point is mommies are not all sunshine and cookies.. we are that as well but we are also real women.. with real issues and real bodies and real needs.. that’s the point.
Despondent means deeply depressed, filled with despair, despairing, miserable, downhearted, inconsolable, melancholy,forlorn,sorrowful,disheartened,glum,bummed out, heartbroken, down in the dumps,suicidal.
The suicidal part..well I am not going to take my own life but I sure don’t want to be living this life..I wish I had the guts sometimes.
The top reason I am feeling so hopeless is that I have discovered that I can not love again.. not like I did before. It isn’t that I am in love with my ex-husband anymore but rather what happened to me when he betrayed me. I became very suicidal.. I truly had to fight to live for months. To see what he did to our children as well..to witness such intense selfishness was just to much for my soul.. I can not trust a man again. I can not have nor can I let myself be vulnerable in love again..because I don’t know how to love without giving myself to love completely..and because of losing my very will to live..to have had such torture go on inside of me.. invisible as it was to others.. it was a pain like I would never wish to inflict on others. Of course upon reading this.. if anyone does they simply will not understand.. only those that have been in this state will get it at all..for it is like childbirth.. until you are there.. you will never know this pain.
I am not posting this on facebook.. people judge so harshly..I have had such a hard time with men on facebook.. sending me private messages telling me that I will never become anything..that I have not done anything with my life.. I have men on facebook..( saying they are joking) calling me a crazy bitch. I have had men on facebook hound me for sex.. wanting to have me as a trophy.. just to say they ( tapped that bitch)..I have men tell me they love me but they do not mean one word of it.. it makes me hopeless and yes despondent…this has all been in the last couple of weeks.
I am also very forlorn about my book.. it seems it is just to different and just to much.. I was invited to a Goddess Party… I read out of my book only to be shhhhosshed..because some found it offensive. I wanted to leave the party.. right then and their but.. my pride wouldn’t let me. I just wanted to cry..but I stayed and put on a concrete face..and listened while other’s read their full piece from beginning to end..and they sang..nice songs and said nice things..but mine was to raw.
I cried the entire next day.. it was hard to get out of bed as I was shamed..and I thought to myself ” I will never belong..it has not happened yet and it never will” I felt total despair.
I have been so concerned with the world Governments as well..watching it seems world war 3 starting to take form..seeing images and video of dead and dying children..watching human rights violations in the name of what some feel is right.. and I felt shear panic.. I felt miserable and stressed to the max.
At this time.. My car went into the shop and being alone in the world with no family for help.. I felt more panic.. I started to get numbness and headaches and pains.. my entire body went tense..everything hurt.. my kids got sick and needed me..the car was stalling in intersections.. I couldn’t get a strait answer from the dealership..and the mechanics were playing me with prices and parts.. I was a victim.. I was and it had nothing to do with me giving them my power.. how can I be everything and a mechanic?? How can I do everything? How can I raise three kids on my own… how can I fix a car..let alone fix the entire world??
I thought maybe I can help some families..maybe if I do something for others it will help me feel better.. I mean that is what they say help others to help yourself..and so I thought with my local Arts Council..we will get a food drive together.. I talked to the representative and she thought it was a great idea.. one she had been thinking of doing but she didn’t have the time..the food bank thought it was a wonderful idea and we threw ideas around over the phone and I thought to myself ” Finally some hope!” but first it had to be put to the Art’s Council’s Board.. and when I got the email.. it was a NO.
Why had it gone from being such a great idea to a NO? I was willing to do all the work and willing to give them all the promotional credit.. all I could gather is that it was because of me..because my website and book are just to fringe.. I am a risk to their reputation.. just like I was at the Goddess Party.. I offend people I am offensive..and so this leads to even greater misery for me..my confidence is gone.
I am so heartbroken..
I see on my facebook that many think they are ascending..those who are intensely spiritual.. they think they have all the answers I guess?
I don’t think anyone is ascending..not until you can admit you know nothing..that you are nothing better than those around you..that you are just as responsible to some degree or another that you made this mess right along with the rest of us all.
They say the have looked into the face of darkness..really have they looked in the mirror?
Other’s like to feel they are intellectually superior..really? Have we not believed in our bullshit long enough..have we not learned that having to be right above others makes us nothing but very wrong?
maybe I am wrong for ever trying.. maybe I should just accept the fact that we are going to blow ourselves to high heaven with atomic bombs.. because we just can’t get down to reality..we don’t want to hear reality..we don’t want to live reality..and love is reality..it is the only reality..
But I can’t love..so what the fuck do I know
I can’t love because
People hurt people
Even if it is just by turning the other check in the ascending business.. why bother to fix the world if your ascending out of this reality..but is that love because love is reality so how do you ascend out of it?????
Or people hurt people by killing children and innocent families in the name of religion and war..
So people…were is the love??
I can’t love this.