Archive for the ‘adventurous spirit’ Category

Single Mother/Struggling Artist

 

At my gym today a friend of mine; who had read my blog and all the nasty comments on my blog..said to me ” Gracie your so brave just laying it all out on the line about everything why don’t you just tell them through a post why you can’t get work outside of your home and what your financial struggles are?” As I talked to her about it I became really sad.. I had to struggle with being even more vulnerable writing this..and actually even thinking about writing this makes me feel depressed.. then later today a friend of mine put a post up on her facebook about struggling artist.. and again I felt compelled to write this post.. even though I am really having to reach deep inside of myself to find the courage through my vulnerability to do this..

I am not able to work because of the way the separation agreement between my ex and I was set up by Fairway Divorce.. my ex has to agree to pay for daycare, he has to agree to pay for extra expenses and he will not set up a parenting plan with me as to when he will see the children.. he sets forth a schedule that he makes up without my input and he changes it at his will. I have filed papers without a lawyer to the court to change this but I have not been given a court date.. I attempted to go back to school about a year and half ago… My lawyer who was working with Fairway Divorce told me he was obligated to pay for the daycare..but she didn’t read the agreement properly.. she burned up $3000 of my money in 6 weeks going back and forth to his lawyer only to have me drop out of classes in the end as I had to pay for the daycare myself..and it broke me in my bank and my spirit at the time.. it was a very dark time for me.. My ex still ownes me $24000 in the spitting of the assets that I have to go after him in court without a lawyer because simply a lawyer’s fees would eat up the assets.. and I would be fighting and stressing for nothing.. I have not gone after the money as of yet as I truly fear him.. I have tried legal aid but I am not poor enough to qualify.. I have a girlfriend that is going through the same thing with a lawyer right now that is breaking her bank and spirit due to the fact that her ex is just as selfish, dangerous and self entitled as mine.. she has parents to help her with the money.. I have no family.

I have no family to help me to watch my kids.. if I were to go to work when they are in school I have no one to go and pick up my youngest from Kindergarten when he has an accident.. his teacher is on her final year ..she will soon retire and I think she is simply tired as she calls up parents to get their kids for every little sniffle..

I have no family..and that for some is hard to understand.. I simply have no one.. no one.

The summer is coming up and my kids will be home for school; if I was to pay for daycare cost myself.. I would simply be working outside of the home to pay for daycare cost.. it’s just that fricken simple.. Even if I did get the subsidy it would cover a fraction of the cost of daycare..and it takes 8 weeks for the subsidy to finally payout the childcare worker..there are few people willing to do that.. it’s is why my daycare quit on me while I was trying to go to college.

I tried to create my own work through the writing of my book and the creation of my website.. I am also trying to work at doing Passion Parties on the weekends I don’t have my kids.. I am doing all that I can to work around this.. but it is difficult..and I am finding the arts and culture in my city to be highly repressive and clicky.. Kelowna is clicky.. it’s not about talent it’s about social status ( connections ) and money.. if you don’t have them you are ignored, shunned and shut out.. I am finding Kelowna to be a total shut out.. I am working so hard by writing on my website as much as possible and doing my best at other online social networking outside of my city..

I am just scraping by financially..and it scares the shit out of me.. I worry and cry myself to sleep some nights.. I have no one to comfort me and tell me it’s going to be OK.. I have no emotional or financial support ( No I am not asking for money, by writing this post.. only sharing my story)

I am working as hard as I can to manifest my big break.. but as we all know sometimes it just doesn’t happen for artist..actually it doesn’t happen often.

I don’t want to be with a man just for money or social connections.. I don’t want to be used or use anyone.. I want love.

I wrote and created my book and website for the love of the arts..

I hope my message in the bottle returns.

Love should create more love.

Dreaming of Him

 

He was a small boy once.. he missed his mother when he was at school. He was different than many of the other children, from a different culture..his skin was dark. They were not used to him, the small little brown boy..who was sensitive but kind. They ignored him..because they just didn’t know what to do with him. He watched them play in groups..he watched as the birthday invitations were passed out..but most of the time he was not invited. He longed to belong.. being shunned was the worst part. He longed to be heard, to be seen to be loved by them. He would rush home to his mother, to his culture..he would burst through the door to throw himself into her arms ; to press his cheek against her warm skirts that smelled like her cooking. He would nestle himself into his mother’s lap to listen to the sound of her heartbeat.. like he did as a baby. How he longed to fit in… his mother’s love comforted him from the pain of social rejection.

 

It was deeply rooted in him to belong..he decided as a young child that he would learn about people.. he would find out about everyone of them..and he did. He learned about human nature. He learned about love and belonging..he learned how to manipulate them with sweetness.. but it was not to hurt them.. never to hurt them; it was so they would never hurt him again..because he would make them see the love that was in him ..and he did.. he was successful!

 

He grew into a man that glowed with power.. he told them all how to be the best they could be..he gave them advice about how to be successful..and they were..but somehow along the way he got lost.

 

He found that he had built walls around himself.. he couldn’t find away to drop the social mask. He had trapped himself in his own perfection..and slowly he lost the path to his heart. He had money, status, and some fame.. he had external power..but somehow his flame was being smothered..because he had forgotten to build a window in his glass house.

 

Today this day he is in intense pain.. he can no longer deny.. he can no longer lie to himself.. by searching outside of himself .. he had lost the key to his own heart; an now this day … his heart is empty..his mind is busy and heavy.. his flame burning so low.. but there is no one to turn to.. as he is surrounded by those who believe the story he told himself that he told to them .. that he knows all the answers..but now he eats his ego slowly alone.. a quiet long death.

 

He eats his pride, he eats his success, but he is not filled.. he hurts but he cannot cry out to them.. he cannot cry out. Now he sees he is still the small boy that was misunderstood, neglected and ignored..because he didn’t embrace that he was different..they still don’t see him.

 

But sweet man..with the tender, tender heart.. you will transform in your death and in your darkness.

 

As I write this you must know that I am the key to your heart..I love you, I have always loved you.. I always will.

I am waiting for you to come to me .. I will keep your secrets forevermore.

Maybe I will just take a lover

 

I don’t want to get married and I don’t want a traditional relationship.. I don’t want to clean up all his shit.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to be and to feel like I am smothered and most of all I don’t want to be his mother.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to wait at home for him to show up late for dinner and then bicker.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

 

I don’t want to dress the same and do the same things with him everyday; I would rather play with him, not like the old fashioned way.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to watch TV in bed with him; I want to make passionate love with him instead.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t need constant attention and I don’t want to use manipulation to get it from him.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to be told what to do day in and day out; I don’t want to be told who I am and I don’t want to scream and shout.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I like to be alone most of the time, I like to have my things to be mine.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

 

 

He can have his place and I can have mine; we don’t need to be attached at the hip all the time.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

All I need is one good man, a man that is free and in his own power and only wants to sleep with me.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

We can live our private lives out of other’s prying eyes; I will keep his secrets and he will keep mine.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

In Love With Loneliness

 

 

 

For the first time in my life my home feels like my own.. It is my place, with my stuff.. it is my refuge from the busy and sometimes cruel world.

For the first time my time is my time.. I don’t have to explain to someone why I am doing the things I am doing. I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying the things I am enjoying.

I don’t have much money. I can’t travel the world..but I am at home in my own soul.

Even though I have many struggles.. and I have run up against some intensity trying to promote my book.. I can say this is mine too  🙂

In comparison ..when I was married over 3 years ago.. everything was his. We started out a business together..bought a home together but somehow in his mind when I became pregnant I became owned by him..along with the house, the business, the cars, the stuff in the house.. I was basically demoted to a domestic employee. He took over the bank accounts and started to erode myself worth by constant put downs.. nothing I did was enough..and if I spent my time and energy on myself I was selfish and childish..

I am so happy to be alone now..when I think back to those days.. I was so sad..so drained.. he was an empty heart..and because of his own emptiness there was absolutely nothing I could do to fill him.. it was something he had to do on his own..but he would reflect his emptiness onto me..blaming instead of taking responsibility.. my responsibility was not leaving him after the birth of our first child..when he started to flirt with female employees and take over my life..treating me as subordinate .. I should have left with our baby daughter then.. I should have gone to the woman’s shelter as I had no family ( that is why he thought he could get away with it) instead I gave into my fear and stayed to have 2 more children.. he was the one who left to have his affair..

But looking back..what a favor that women did for me.. stealing him away.. away from me helping me grow.. helping me through sorrow create as an artist and a writer..to her I say ” THANK YOU”

Now being alone.. I am not so quick to want to just let any man into my life..because I am free. I don’t want to owe a man anything again.. I don’t want his money to buy me. I don’t want to be entrapped by the constant game of trying to live up to someone’s impossible expectations.. I would rather struggle financially on my own. I am not so quick to give up my body..as I love myself now..more than I can express..

My time at the gym and my healthy diet an expression of myself love..

Yes I miss a man’s touch.. painfully so sometimes.. yes I miss conversations and dinner’s out on the town..sharing looks and tender moments..but at what price? When he has a wandering eye.. looking over the fence at the greener grass and expecting me to be super woman to impress him?

No.. I am not in a hurry

I am in love with loneliness

The Hornets Stung Me

 

 

 

I am head by a century ..and the disappointment is getting me down..

Anger is all around..

It swarms in an angry cloud..

And that’s when the hornets stung me..

Sending me into a feverish dream..

Making me question everything..

As they attack me

Because…

I am ahead by a century.. and the disappointment is getting me down..

Bitterness all around..

Words thrown down..

And that’s when the words stung me..

Sending me into a frenzy..

Making me question me..

Causing me to hurt me..

Because..

I am ahead by century .. and the disappointment is getting me down..

The venom all around..

And that’s when the reaction took me..

Sending me into flight or fight..

Making me my worst enemy..

Bringing me to the ground..

Because..

I am ahead by a century..and the disappointment is getting me down..

 

( Inspiration taken from The Tragically Hip – Ahead by a century)

 

PRESSURE

 

There are many people and influences that work at taking a woman’s voice away.. it’s why I have not written on my blog for awhile.. I have felt very tired. You know it seems like a lot people want Hollywood..that want things perfect; they don’t want reality. I write about reality.. my writing is very journalistic and honest. Many people want to escape reality so they come down on my as a downer. Even those in spiritual circles don’t want to face their own humanity and imperfections..as they believe in pure manifestation of only good thoughts and energy.. while not realizing that to write about darkness brings it into the light of awareness.. it’s so easy to just want to read fluffy, beautiful, positive words.. instead of seeing reality..They think I am broken and negative..they don’t see I am paying my dues.. I am paying my dues.. I am. I am the battle hardened warrior.

 

Having my book accepted into The Erotic Art Show is my first success since self publishing the book in June last year.. I have met with so much resistance and even outright hatred. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be a battle..but to this extent..I had no idea. There have been many tear filled nights. I have had many moments of hopelessness and loneliness .. you know I am human. I am a woman and sometimes there is nothing more than I wanted then strong, masculine loving arms around me.. in the night..when all the names that others called me came to haunt me in my dreams..but the men that I did meet this year after starting my website..were cruel and or controlling..and so I have been alone since June..and I have not dated because I need my strength to continue to fight the battle of promoting my book in a society that shames women.. I cannot give my power away to men who only seek to use me.. but how  I do wish for a true partner to love and uphold me..and of course for me to do the same.. I am very much a woman and warm and human.

People don’t understand how difficult it is to rise up every morning and stand my ground and continue on.. to face people in the professional world that would love nothing more than my silence..I make them uncomfortable..I make them mad.. I make them think about what they don’t want to think about.. that they themselves cave to social pressure..and this why they want me to go away..to give up.. because by me standing up and making a difference or at least attempting to make a difference.. I am being their mirror..showing them that they are not..that they are weak because they fear standing out being shunned like me.. and so they shun me, shame me and call me down..so that they don’t have to be reminded of what courage is.

 

So the PRESSURE.. is to stop.. go way. Don’t be the voice of reason and truth. People don’t want to see reality! They don’t want to see the social class systems ..they don’t want to see the inequality for women.. many of us single women that don’t have a man and his money ..his protection to give us the seal of approval from society..I have no man ..and so it is I have no voice.

 

But I am still standing.. I am still here.. I am yelling into the wind

One day someone who will help me make a difference for all humanity will hear me..

At the very least my book and blog will stand as a testament .. of the battle

Losing it.. loss and death

 

When I was at the tender age of 5 my parents gave me a Ballerina Barbie doll for my birthday.. she had a golden crown.. and a pink dress.. I loved her. Soon after I had a very vivid dream, my dolly told me..as she danced around me .. that my family was my earth family, that they were not my soul family and I would loss them all. This was a prophetic dream as that is exactly what happened. When I was 13 my mother took her own life. When I was 16 I ran away from home to avoid my father’s abuse and neglect. I felt my reality shift from under me, it felt as if the ground it’s self had swallowed me whole. I had my first panic attach..I was 16, I woke up one morning in another new foster home and for a few seconds I couldn’t remember were I was.. my reality was shifting like the sands of time  so swiftly that I had no baring… I had no foundation.

I experienced years of this shifting from place to place.. though out school and college I drifted.. never really having a solid foundation.. always loss present.. always losing friends and situations.. I was the wanderer .. I was on the Hero’s Journey.. when I met and married my husband I thought my days of intense loss were over.. I thought the grief was behind me and for a time it was.. we had 2 little girls. We started a business together, bought a home and renovated it..but then death came a knocking.. I miscarried again and again.. the worst one I was half way through a pregnancy when the prophetic dream came to me.. I dreamed of loosing my little boy.. and a week later the cramps started..and in the ultra sound at the hospital he was still. I gave birth to my dead baby… and as I did that day, my marriage began to erode and I felt him drifting from me as he resented me for bring so much death into his life.. I felt the sand under my feet shift slowly as it represented my marriage decaying and dying a slow painful death.. I sat with death at this time.. the death of my baby and the dying of my marriage.. yet still we conceived our son..but as I entered into the third trimester of my pregnancy he was having an affair with an employee of ours.. In spite of this I managed to give birth to a healthy baby boy.. and with that I saw life and death together as one.. the cycle of evolution..

Then more death…  another prophetic dream of my sister’s impending death..yes even more as my sister became ill, as my marriage was dying and with this my own health took a tumble from the stress of it all.. my sister passed on ..but she evolved my soul as she showed me how to die with bravery and dignity. And with that my husband left me… My world and my reality totally empty.. the abyss so deep and dark .. I was in a grave.. all had decomposed around me..and yet I had to hold on through the darkness, the pitch black darkness for the sake of my children..to hang onto my will to live that tried to seep away from me ..as the wounds..the emotional wounds were bleeding me out.. yet I clung.

I sat in the lap of death.. me and the Grim Reaper, became good friends.. I sat with sorrow, I sat with hopelessness .. in the middle of the dark cold, lonely nights they took me over and they taught me wisdom.. They taught me that nothing and no one in this world defines me.. there is no thing that controls me.. no one controls me but me.. they taught me about the weaving of life.. the seen and the unseen forces of life and death connecting all things.. they invited me to stay for awhile in the darkness.. to stay and find and mine the treasures of the soul and the spirit..and it was in this barren God forsaken place I was tempered.. I was crushed.. I was broken.. I was tested.. It was here I found my spark and my passion as I turned on my soul..as I rose out of the darkness by the will of my spirit..by the will of the PASSION to live on..to thrive..to do more than survive..but burn..to ignite to roar and rip out of the darkness using it as my very fuel to propel me forward and up and out..

I learned to live on my own.. I expressed my pain and wisdom in my art and writing.. I strengthened my body to match my soul..

This is not just my journey .. it is yours too.. I can promise you through experience.. if you hold strong and if you sit with your emotions and honor you losses .. you will overcome and thrive.. I promise

The Unknown is Reality

We can spend an entire lifetime trying to please others having never truly lived.. such is the price of perfect.. or seeming to be so. Don’t we all see this in the perfect social personality that others portray; be it in person or on their social profile.. Its funny how many seem to need the PERFECT PERSON to be their GURU.. I have problems with this..I have problems with fluffy, fake spirituality and fluffy, fake anything…this is not true enlightenment or living in reality at all.. it is making the darkness conscious that we come to the light of our soul.. so what does that look like?

It is tempering.. it is blending the spiritual and the physical.. it is understanding that we live in material world in the flesh and blood as spiritual beings living in the flesh and blood.. it is understanding the ego..that we are indeed having a separate experience in living but in the spirit we are all connected as a whole in that we are all of the same energy that is all creation.. so denying the needs of the flesh.. like being a sexual being or the need to make money for creature comforts is indeed ignoring the darkness and not bring it into the light.. but living to deeply in the material world and using spirituality to create propaganda ( a polished lie.. like many cults and religions) is denying the darkness again..as it is the ego that lies for manipulation and control over others.. so it is those who live only for money are lacking enlightenment and those who live only in the spirit are indeed lacking enlightenment as both are denying the darkness or lying to the self about the ego..the dark ego that lives to look down on others..as it be with wealth, fame and fortune or by judging others as not being as Spiritual as them.. true enlightenment is seeing perfection as false and fake..and true enlightenment is accepting all the parts of the self and all the parts of others..and by seeing we are all imperfect; true forgiveness is possible by all..as we are all prone to fall from grace.. this is how world peace will come about. The Unknown parts of the self and in all creation are the mystical made known..as the unknown is always present..as perfection and the search of it the true flaw.

The God and Goddess wisdom teaches us that we are indeed the savior that we seek..that we are indeed the Divine in physical form.. just look in the mirror to see GOD or GODDESS.. we are the energy of all creation..want a miracle .. listen to your heart beat.. look outside and watch the sunrise and sunset.. Every mystical text.. every holy book, every prophecy was metaphorical.. it was to be understood as the dreamscape .. the land of dreams inside of each soul and mind and heart.. it was to be understood as the human experience of growth and true evolution..to to be taken as literal.. it was the ego that did this.. it was fear that caused humanity to kill in the name of religion.. we have been acting like children..very evil children as we have denied the darkness for far to long.. we have denied are primal needs for sex..and for just being in our truth.. we have lied to keep up face..we have been fake and fearful..

It is time now that we see who and what we really are..that we see we are the metaphor .. we are Gods and Goddesses..

Let us not deny our true story.. let us speak, live and be in our truth..

Let us be loving and forgiving..and let us not deny our roots.. to be sensual and spiritual..as this is the true blending of the opposites the darkness made conscious.. humanity coming into the light by full awareness of the unknown..as it is acceptable to be wild and real… and DIVINE

honesty

 

Compassion or sympathy for yourself is not being weak.. having compassion brings us to the understanding of our feelings.. or our emotions.. this is very important as our emotions are the internal compass that guides us and directs us down the correct path or paths of our lives.. when we turn off our emotions and deny our pain we loose direction in life.. so we must be honest and truthful as to our intentions, needs and wants.

My intention has been to become as free as possible.. it has been to help others experience this freedom with my intention to be as honest and as compassionate with myself as possible by honoring my feelings and my journey..as I am on a very human journey and our journeys mirror each other..there is much in my writing that many can relate too.. I hope to help other’s find their own compassion for themselves..

I have found it.. I have found self love.. I have found it down a very dark and sometimes scary path of intense loneliness.. but we all need to do it..we all need to have an amount of time in our lives to go into those dark places of the soul to mine our treasure.. to find meaning.. without other’s approval and with out material baggage..both of these things we can use to define us..but they truly do not.. for it is the heart and the intentions in the heart..that define the soul.. it is in the heart of compassion that the mind becomes clarified and cleansed of past experiences and traumas.. and so it has been this way for me.. I have found my treasure and it is my strength.. I have not failed.. I thought I had as I was defining myself through other’s eyes.. I was defining myself as the world would define success.. but on a spiritual definition I have found in myself so much more than I have ever thought possible.. I found compassion..and in that compassion for myself.. I have found compassion and the ability to forgive others.. I have learned that forgiving happens it steps and stages.. it takes time..as one has to feel each emotion to follow the pathway to the destination of forgiveness; as it is also a journey along the heart..

I have learned there are many that are not capable of understanding deep wisdom.. the wisdom of the Goddess..and other Divine wisdoms.. and in that knowing I can begin to forgive them ..as they simply do not know any better than what they are able to understand.. with this.. I can let them go and continue down this trail that I am forging.. that I am creating as I go..as it is my Divine Purpose to do so… and with that I can love myself and others… I can love the journey.. I can love the experience..and when I come to those times of intense hopelessness.. ( as I will again) I can forgive again and come to compassion.. I can love regardless of how other’s treat me or how they affect me,, this is true unconditional love.

I have learned not to give myself away to those who do not deserve me.. but I have learned to let them go with love..

Even if my book is not worldly success.. my spiritual journey with The Goddess Energy.. has been my success

As love is the destination.

HELL IN DISGUISE

 

 

The seduction is the world, it is the ego telling you your lies are true, it is the ego saying give them sweet lies.. give them words that you don’t live by..and then confuse them by telling them that is how they will find a storyteller; but the entire time it is you..tell them to be kind while secretly you are cruel..tell them to include others while secretly you and them only live for you.. living in a lie, if it is told to a select few it is so easy to do.. give it them with tears in your eyes..being kind to those who don’t need you to..and exclude from your party of fake and phony friends..the real people who need you to extend a hand.. this how you end up in the place were you are.. in a place of the back biting snake den that you thought was heaven but it is really your self created hell. You call them friends, but they only will accept your lies as soon as you try to break free they will be pulling you back in..they will whisper seductions of conformity..they will tell you just to calm down as they like the illusions that you have built with them.. cause you can feast with them, and you can have speaking engagements with them and tell yourself and them it such an important message..that never leaves your circle or your snake den.. you and your fake friends.. no you can never leave magician your caught in your own silky smooth talken..so eat your nice little chief’s surprise..and your specialty deserts.. and stab it with your knives.. and keep living in your sweet seductive lies.. like your bullshit, like your fake friends, like the shiny brass lives you love to lie in.. I would rather die.

 

Hotel California

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
Ad she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted
She got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said ‘We haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They’re livin’ it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (What a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling
The pink champagne on ice
And she said ‘We are all just prisoners here, of our own device’
And in the master’s chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can’t kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
‘Relax’, said the night man
We are programmed to receive
You can checkout any time you like

To all the fake in Kelowna..fluffy..fluff blowing in the wind.

Links