A touch of madness as he smiles slyly to the side.. looking over his shoulder and I don’t know why.. and then he cries.. as the blood paints the moon.. a ride, a tide of rawness, make vulnerable brute force.. a contradiction, paradox.. a question answered with a question only leading to more questions that have no answers.. a chest of mystery.. red washed in passion and shame.. unspoken broken dreams..shattered hearts..brought together,.. repelling ..and then compelling .. magnetic pleasure and pain.. his expression masked then it falls and I see what he hides… or do I …
When the blood hits the moon.. when the blood hits the moon..
He tells me nothing, while meaning everything.. nothing matters making everything so plain… as there isn’t a tomorrow, the night is day..and what was sane is really crazy or is there no definition to anything.. and then he touches me .. I listen to his heartbeat from the inside.. mighty but exposed, protected but defenseless because I know the unknown.. but yet the thickness of the walls uphold .. the ultra-sensitive genius .. the caul..the mark of the mad, or is it the wise old soul.. the heart trembles as the blood rushes home..
When the blood fever takes hold.. when the blood fever takes hold..
I try to speak but no words can I make as his nakedness presses against mine, and entwined we become nothing at all but seeing more than what we can comprehend .. we forget everything we have ever known..but blood and wine, pleasure and pain, beauty in the brutality of sweet things left alone.. unopened gifts, and mysteries, things yet to be discovered.. to not know them, but the taste is so sweet, and the heartache so bitter, so bitter to know the honey that dwells there in.. there in the nightmare, the hellish places lives a thrill that makes me cry out.. and the tears release the pressure of heart about to explode..
Blood on the moon.. Blood on the moon..
The intensity gravitates us to the emancipation of the soul.. blood and bone.. bruised fruit.. ripened with fear..the emotions exposed..the juice flows and drips.. gushes forth..laughter on his lips.. the potion the poison and the elixir..to drive out the demons.. lovely demons.. the voices that speak quietly when no one listens.. playing games and tickling the lips of words not spoken.. closing in ..a heart again.. mushy and raw..pulp and all.. sometimes the decay is so sweet as it creates the wine that we drink.. it down.. the poison that cures it all.. all but the madness of the blood red moon..
I think the word bitch was created to make women behave. I don’t just think so I know so. If a woman behaves like a man, tells it strait up, takes no shit, doesn’t ask for permission, goes and just gets what she wants..she is bitch..she is..as I have been called ” too assertive” .. my thoughts exactly.. ” Fuck you”
A bitchy woman..stands up for herself, stands her ground on her dreams.. oh hell..she has her own dreams..what a bitch! Women are taught to support men who have dreams… lets take a look at how wonderful it is to be a ” First Lady” ya fuck that!.. Fuck that! That’s right your supposed to be happy and honored to take second place as a figure head that wears the latest fashions and puts up with your husband jamming cigars up an interns vag.. that’s right BITCHES! Women don’t have real authority and those who strive for it.. yup..bunch a bitches!
A woman that has a presence .. you know..she takes up room when standing in a room.. she has a voice, she has thoughts of her own and shares them openly, she has sex appeal .. she has a walk, she has charisma.. yup what a bitch..
But the only way a woman is going to get anywhere in the world is to love her inner bitch.. it is so seriously a part of being a Goddess.. it is being an unapologetic bitch that makes her a super star..but first she has to have the inner strength to stand up to the boys.. those wimpy men, the ones that need a woman to kiss up, make nice and suck their metaphorical dicks.. she has to be able to get it across to them ( metaphorically speaking ) that she too has a dick and if they don’t like it they can suck it! She is a bitch, and she loves her inner bitch.. she ain’t making nice..and she will never be ready to make nice..cause like the boys..she is what she is and she says what she means and she means what she says… she going to be called a lot of names.. but eventually she just has to find a few truly good men, who will be her friends and supporters.. we just need more women willing to embrace their inner bitch.. more women to take a stand.. and love that they are who the fuck they are..
This good girl bad girl shit..it’s just shit to control women.. if women are always afraid of offending some poor guy and seeming too bitchy to get hitched up to some pathetic guy that digs this shit.. the world will be missing out on some GRAND BITCHES.. bitches that have that chip on their shoulder that they carry with pride..bitches that have been told ” your a piece of work” but they like that..those bitches are goddamn proud of the lessons they have learned in life that made them what they are..that made them broads that made them ballsy .. that’s right.. fuck em.. those are the GRAND BITCHES society needs to turn it around and make equal ground..to fuck the double standard HARD.. FUCK IT HARD and RIGHT PROPER!
Women need to fight for their dreams, fight for their voices..stop over eating to appear safe to fragile men, stop under eating to disappear ..to make yourself small and fragile for fragile men.. we need some women to TRAIN these fuckers up .. to toughen men up..to give them some tough love.. cause
Enough is Enough
ROCK ON BITCHES!
I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.
I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.
In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.
What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)
I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..
As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!
But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom
I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.
As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.
I have found, through experience, Kelowna BC Canada is a loveless place…
Just seems that no matter how much I have reached out to people I just find I get nothing back. Nothing but empty promises of friendships or an echo of a promise of a potential lover.. So many say that they stand for this or that.. love, courage, bravery, equality, justice.. but it when it comes down to showing it through actions.. it never materializes into reality.. instead they don’t show up, or they remain silent when they should speak up..
Even now writing this I am washing things (memories) recent an old; around in my head thinking ” What is the point to even writing this” selfish people don’t care. I think the most fucked up thing is.. when I have the guts to write about what others don’t have the guts to even dare to think about.. these cowardly people are the the first to attempt to shut me up.. they are the ones who stood by and watched me get bullied out of my old gym.. they are the ones that shut me out of networking events and organizations.. making it impossible for me to promote my book on a local scale.. making it then even harder for me to promote my book on a global scale with out a local platform.. These are the ones that said they were my friends within the local arts community.. who never spoke up for me..when they had the power to make a difference.. because they didn’t want their own personal comfort put at risk with in Kelowna’s social network.. nope they sit and stuff their faces with wine and cheese, take in the local events, network with the organizations that I am not welcome to attend.. yet they know deep within that they are selfish cowards…
Even looking at the men that I cared about.. whom I thought were my friends, whom I thought could be my friends..and a very select few whom I had considered as lovers… they shrank back too.. professing to be about courage, masculinity, authenticity, truth, upholding what is right.. justice.. yet I had nothing to offer them.. no social connections, no money, and of course.. I suppose love and sex was not worth the risk .. of taking a stand for a woman who has been labeled and reputable .. a socially scorned woman..and worse yet a single mother..without family or social status.. why risk their own worth for someone whom society has labeled so worthless?
And yes I know I am not worthless..so don’t be stupid about this.. ( no messages telling me how negative this is.. no messages telling me..” But Gracie your not worthless” I fucking know I am priceless..)
I know that what I did for society was out of love..that my book was written out of love..and that I still write this out of love.. to help others see that they are not alone.. not alone in sending messages of love.. out in bottles.. out into the deep dark sea of unconsciousness.. the unconsciousness of a city… A city that is superficial .. full of people wearing thick masks.. to afraid to do what I am doing for fear of being treated how I have been treated.. using authenticity as buzz word for self promotion.. using spirituality as fucking TREND.. using religion as an excuse to be self righteous hypocrites.. conservative professionals using ” It’s just business” as an excuse to dehumanize. But yet somehow love has to win ..
And strength has to prevail.. through adversity..the dream cannot be abandoned and crushed by the cruelty of greed and cold hearts.. of assholes who only see people as worthy if they have something for them to use.. like social connections, money or some form of status…
Somehow the pureness of heart, the purity of dream has to survive the rough, tough seas of hatred and sorrow, of those who would do anything to stab an open loving heart just for the false power-trip..
Somehow..they say.. love floats.. on hope..
Love floats on the hope..that someone will have the courage to open up .. to actually hear the message, and to share it.. someone.. who has the connections, the heart, the courage.. to make those who chose to be unconscious.. conscious of facing their own inner demons.. so that they too.. can have the courage to send out..
A message in a bottle
I must say that I am pretty humbled by this epiphany .. I understand now.. what it means be a higher frequency..
I see that I am misunderstood by my local community..mainly the professional community..because I am the living shift of the higher consciousness that they do not understand. I have to be of the higher soul evolution to help birth the souls evolution for creation.. and they have not yet caught up..and so they see my authenticity .. the butterfly, as a strange thing indeed..because to them.. to evolve seems like death..as we have to let the old die back for the new self to be reborn. I am the reborn. I wear no mask. I walk my talk. I am the change..for I have become one with change.. to them this is dangerous.. it means having the courage to go within..turn and face the death of the old ways of being… to them I am their devil or the death of their egos..they don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel..they only see the darkness at the beginning of the tunnel..
I brave their hatred.. and I brave their rejection.. because I know it is but an illusion .. they exist were I once was.. I wore the masks of social nice.. that suffocated me slowly … I played their games of pretending not to feel what I was feeling least I should offend someone..and not be liked or accepted by a person, a group of people or an entire community..and like them.. like they all do now.. I lay in bed thinking ” No one really knows me.. ”
But I shed that skin.. she is dead.. long gone..and how glad I am.. to have shed the bad marriage.. to let people really see me..to speak to be heard..to live out loud..and to run outside of the fences of social norms..that turn us grey and invisible..blending us into each other.. making us all conform for the fear of what it means to truly be free..
This is ” The Hero’s Journey” it always has been..the perfect metaphor.. for the leap of faith..
It takes courage,, to let go and be guided by faith.
I am going to speak to you in terms of psychology.. seeing the devil through the lens of his/her/it’s archetypical pattern or template.
The devil resents fear because fear is repression, repression .. the repression of the shadow self.. meaning the aspects of your personality that you wish to hide from the world..and the self denial that you preach to yourself. We repress when we push something into the unconscious..this is dangerous because then we have not learned coping skills as to how to handle what we have repressed…the devil is the darkness in your own psyche.. the more we restrict ourselves to not acting out on our base natures..the more chained and trapped we become by them.. we become deeply inhibited and locked down to the false personas that we have created in our own denial.
Once we face what we are hiding from ourselves and others.. a healthy positive release takes place..blocks and inhibitions are lifted causing one to bloom and expand..this takes place on an inner level..but of course one’s outer life also becomes free.
The devil does live in every single one of us..the most negative aspects of the devil are greed, addictions, selfishness, and intentionally hurting others..
Yet the devil has much to teach us about accepting and living in our flesh and bone.. the devil can help us see that we must manipulate to make our way with in a world that we have all created.. we must maneuver to find our place and make headway on the game board of life.. is this earthly playing field.. We are all “The Prodigal Son” born to fall and make mistakes.. prone to devil’s play.. to throw caution to the wind.. spend all of our money, having fun and playing games.. having sex for the pure sake of slaking lust.. ” What happens in Vegas..stays in Vegas” We must all indulge in the lusts of life..fall hard..and then come to asking the self for forgiveness ..as it was ourselves that we had forsaken.. the higher Christ like self..responsible, passive..
But to deny the self of the entire self..the shadow aspects.. or the aspects of high awareness or enlightened thought and behaviors.. is to be in ignorance..
Many on a spiritual path..deny the devil’s lust with in..to have it surface with explosive and destructive behaviors.. when we put ourselves up so high..the fall will be a mighty fall..
To deny the root of ones humanity.. is to lay a path of ignorance and darkness within.. the search for the light being taken over by the ego after all..
And so it is..give room for your devils..sit with them..and have drink.. they are more helpful than you think.
The above is a very POWERFUL image.. she confronting social convention.. rebelling against social norms.. the norm for women to make themselves small and acceptable for male approval, for marriage, and to avoid the lash back of male violence.. the subliminal message given to men to ” Control your woman!” If she isn’t controllable to the man that is socially asleep or UNAWARE of his social conditioning she is an affront to his so called masculinity ..that is in truth macho behaviors taught to boys by insecure men.. to berate a woman to prove ones own masculinity.. is in essence to disprove that he is indeed a man.. a man upholds and respects the women in his life.. he commands respect by giving respect.. he doesn’t demand or abuse a woman into feeding his insecurities..
But lets look at the other women in the picture..some are in awe of her bravery..others fear for her safety and for their own due to her rebellion .. some wish she would put her confinement back on.. least they should be punished and shamed with her..least they should be abused by association.. you can see the men in the picture.. look at her with disproving eyes.. you can imagine soon they will react ..first with name calling..and then with violence..because they must make an example of this woman to keep the other women enslaved to feed their insecurities.. what she has done is a very dangerous thing indeed..
Yet there she stands in her true power.. her feminine strength.. vulnerable yet powerful in her authentic self.. she will fight them..the men. She will fight them with truth and justice. She is smart, fast and quick on her feet.. her power is truth. Her power is in her ability to shine..to stand her ground, to speak out loud.. she doesn’t need social conventions to define her..she is her own definition..
Soon other women will follow..many of them younger women.. those ready to shed the shame.. to be strong enough to take a stand against the abuse..to outlast, to have the stamina to take the hits for other women who are soon to follow.. But they will stand tall with truth, they will be justice..and so they will have justice and equality..
The message in this image.. is that under each berka ..there is a Wonder Woman…in each woman she lives.. she is meant to lead..to carve a path..
It is the message of my book..of this website..it is seen in my actions.. in my life story.. I have lived this image..
Daring to stand out for other women..for the young girls to follow.. who will shed the shame..and stand tall against the abuse..
Because a good leader teaches others how to lead..
One day.. there will be no more shame heaped upon women’s bodies, upon their sexuality..upon their so called virtuous behaviors..
Because we will regain the control over our own bodies by not allowing the abuse..we will own ourselves..
For what you allow continues.. it is time that women stood tall together..
One woman at a time..
And so ” I gladly offer myself”
Deliver me the light that shines inside of me
Help me give birth to me
Set me free from adversity
My enemies wish to hold me here
In captivity of their ingnorace
Light inside, shine so bright
That all is made known
To them and me
Set us all free
The Hero on Heaven’s Mission
The path unfolds
Faith made known
The journey walked by the Fool
Light inside shine bright
So all my let go of the fight
To do what is right
The star of hope
I call upon you
Light of Truth.
My imagination was and still is my saving grace.. my special place to run when the world has caused me to come undone.. my inner world, were tame becomes wonderfully wild.
My first memories are memories of abuse from my father.. I escaped into books and art.. I walked the cosmos inside.
I walked on stardust.. I danced on moonbeams.. and then I played on soft beams of sunshine.. no one could touch me on the inside.. the journey and the adventure deep within my soul.
I gained this wisdom early on.. it helped me through the death of my sister ..as she died and even after she was gone we walked the cosmos together .. we communicated in this magical place.. she came to me in dreams telling me of her impending death ( transformation) she came to me in the great void to give my heart fair warning.. and there she visited me ..as she died ..we went hand in hand to walk on stardust and moonbeams.. clothed in mystery we found wisdom in death together..and after her transformation..she showed me how to fly.. how to transcend this word .. how to rise above the earth to the temple within..she brought me into the light…a beautiful sacrifice .. accepting change.
The babies that passed on within me.. they meet me there.. because love lives on and on.. they taught me how to swim in the sparkling sea of brilliant tears..they taught me how to swim through my emotions.. in this inner place of soulful mystery.
As my marriage ended..as he went to another woman to find his fun.. I found my solace here in the inner sun.. I walked the cosmos.. I walked within to find my strength in adversity..and as I walked the earth outside in the sun..crying tears alone .. I felt the cosmos hold me.. as it was within me..
I found my comfort, as I felt the spirit of the stars and planets guiding me .. the holy and the sacred..saying ” This way.. walk away into infinity.”
And now as I ascend the world from the inner door.. I look down and see how he stayed were he was while I journeyed on and on.. higher and higher .. like an eagle on an upwind.. I rise.. I walk the cosmos..
I walk through the doorway..to this magic place..through my art and self expression.. I find myself.. when I forget myself..
I humble myself.. swim in and through tears.. flow..as I let go of what I thought I had known..facing weaknesses..building strength..
I learned in this place of wisdom.. that the doorway though is deep inside me and you..
You can walk the cosmos.. by just letting go.
Through creativity you create vastness..
Nature is my church and my prayers are energy that radiates from my heart..
Once again I am becoming intimate with you my reader..sharing with you the inner most callings of my heart.
When I prayed today I needed to be one with the earth and sky.. I needed to hike and to climb..to walk to the edge that over looked the water; to feel as if I could be lifted up.. lifted with the tendrils of the rain clouds that flew on gust of late spring air.. I saw them.. the mist, just touching the surface of the lake.. and they blew up against me, into me as I became drunk with oxygen.. the wind filling my lungs with crisp, cool dampness.. I didn’t care that the rain washed over me.. it was a soft clean mist.. soft and sweet.. I felt one with the earth and the sky.. one with water of the lake and the clouds.. matching my emotion of humility.. and I asked just for this.. I prayed just for this..
” I don’t need much.. just someone to to put all my love into.. I have so much to give him when he arrives.. and I wish to be filled with his love.. I don’t need much money.. just enough to get by..and a little more for comfort.. I just need softness and comfort.. I don’t need much.”
” God, Universe, Energy.. I did what you wanted.. I pushed myself past anything I thought I could.. I created what you told me to do.. I gave my heart, my soul, my money.. I braved my worst fears..and I am still scared to death..but I am still facing fear.. like you told me too.. please.. please, pay it forward.. this message is yours..the book, the website..this blog.. put please.. please … just pay it forward.. just a little bit to me.. I don’t need much.”
A simple prayer.. from deep within my heart center..
I raised my eyes to see a huge golden eagle coasting up .. up with the updrafts.. he flew free and easy.. gliding higher and higher into the misty tendrils of the rain clouds..and I said.. ” Take my prayer with you.”