It wasn’t my initial intention to turn to celibacy .. like many places we find ourselves in; it is the journey of life that takes us there.
I am a very sexual and sensual woman; I am healthy, I have a high sex drive; I am in the prime of my sexuality..being in my forties; but I am a very sensitive, loving woman..and I found that I couldn’t get that back from others.
I have been celibate for over a year..well over a year. I found that the men I was with were very selfish in bed..and out of the bedroom. They objectified me, and expected me to fit into their lives while making no room in their own lives for me; accept for when it suited them. I found myself becoming emotionally depleted, I found them to clutter up my thoughts with their neediness and selfishness; I felt a lack of any spiritual connection ( soul to soul contact) and I was very physically sexually frustrated.
Simply put; sexually I can pleasure myself and satisfy myself without all immaturity and head games of men who really don’t know how to be men.
I would rather go on living my own life then waste my time on men that simply do not deserve me.
It has become a journey of self nurturing and learning how to channel my need for intimacy into being intimate with myself on every level..
But of course I still long for someone who is able to actually be present with me. Someone with similar interest, of health and who is as driven as I am. Someone who accepts me for me, someone to talk to, to cuddle, to share food with, I long for deep lasting eye contact, and passionate lovemaking .. sometimes it seems like it will never happen again..and I get very sad; but I am not willing to be with a selfish man, I am not willing to hurt myself even deeper by letting myself down..to let someone emotionally injure me just so I can meet a sexual need.
I am not judging others; and I am not saying this should ring true for anyone else..it is just were I am at in my life and were I have been for over the last year..
I pour myself into my workouts and my writing; into mothering my children.. into life.
Professionally I have been called many names because of my website; I have endured so much prejudice and outright hatred ..because I am seen as a whore; I am seen as a woman asking for it; as I put myself out there sexually; even in a professional way, I am not seen as professional because I am a woman using her own nudity to express sacred sexuality..and healthy sexuality and women’s freedom of expressing and living in their own sexuality.. I am seen as asking for abuse by others in my local community..
And so I have to self protect; I have to draw my energy and all my resources into me; to be there for me, because no one else has loved me and protected me..
And so it is I Plea Celibacy.