My Inner Demons

 

I couldn’t sleep last night because my inner demons tormented me.. I crunched numbers in my head.. trying to figure out how on earth I was going to pay all the bills on time and have extra money to buy my kids the extra things that their dad refused to buy.. I cried and my heart raced with panic. My inner demons screamed at me ” They would be better off with their father, he has all the money, all the luck and people love him. No one will ever love you, you will never be successful.. people can’t stand you in this city.. you should give up. Give up everything, no one wants you or your message. Remember they told you that. They think you are a whore. They think your a looser, single mother, they think your crazy. GIVE UP!!!” I cried as all hope left me.. “What if I am a fool, what if it is all true.?” My demons screeched back to me ” Of course it’s true, your own brother and sister hate you. Your ex and all of his family deserted you. People will never understand you; you have never fit in and you never will, no one will every get you. Your not lovable, your detestable.. you are a social reject, no man in his right mind would want to waist his time with you and your bad luck.. GIVE UP!!”

I told my demons ” Shut up, stop jumping on my heart, stop trying to break my heart and my spirit.. I need to sleep.. I need my health.. I need my piece. I will ask at my gym for a job tomorrow.. I will find a part time job somehow.. I will get by… I will.”

I had nightmares all night.. of all the people in the professional community that despised me.. all the people that made cruel comments on my blog and facebook.. all my struggles.. nightmares of my ex and loosing my children.. nightmares of people breaking into my home to hurt me.. I woke up a lot.. in the morning I was sad.. so sad, tired and drained from stress and sorrow.

I did go to the gym.. I did ask for a job.. It is so hard for me to ask anyone for anything..even work..but there was no position available until maybe September.. then my demons started at me through my work out ” Your ex will not pay for school supplies and school clothing for the kids.. your fucked, the kids are better off with him, you can’t do it.. no one wants you to work for them.. ” I kept working out.. I kept at it.. I did my deadlifts .. increasing my weights up to 45 on each side of the barbell.. should be more than 100 I am lifting with the barbell.. My trainer told me I am pretty.. another lady at the gym told me I am looking good.. ” Hang on to that Gracie” I think to myself.. ” Hang on to the positive.” my demons say ” They are just being nice stupid.” ohh how they are tormenting me like never before..but I work through my entire workout..and no one knows the conversations within; as my nasty, rotten ego pounds the shit out of me.. I cry in the shower at the gym..were no one can hear me.. I give in and break under the torment.

” Hang on” I think.. ” You can do this, you can make it through this.. remember the facebook message..the guy who said he has a business opportunity for you.. maybe this will be the thing to get me through this.”

I got home and I called him.. but .. but.. but

He wanted me to help him promote his online escort service through my erotic writing.. ” It can make you a lot of money.. a LOT OF MONEY$$$$$$$$.. It’s not about pornography” he said.. I questioned him with ” Is it legal?’ ” Yes he said..and don’t over think it.. that’s your problem your making it too complicated.. you think to much.. this can make you a ton of money ..think about it with a business frame of mind.” “but” I said ” My website and book are about sacred sex..about sex for love..this will go against everything I stand for.”.. ” Just think about it .” he cautioned me..” Be wise and give it some thought.” So I did.

Driving to pick up my kids from school my demons said ” You need the money to support your kids.. just think about having more money than your ex.. just think about the exposure on a world wide market selling your writing and getting your name out into the world.. think about fame and money..think about supporting your kids properly.. sometimes you just have to give in and do what the devil does.”

It was raining..as my children ran out of the school doors..but they wanted to stay and play as usual.. I sat under my big green umbrella ..hiding myself even after the rain stopped.. because I didn’t want the children playing to see my sad face.. I thought to myself ” look at them all innocent, beautiful and sweet.. I don’t want them growing up in this world were integrity is sold out for money.. were sex is a commodity that is stripped of love.” I hope no one saw the odd tear that slipped down my face.. I was so ..so filled with sorrow..

I remembered the day that I took the pictures for my website.. I saw myself then.. filled with hope..filled with divine inspiration to unite love and sex.. to bring back the sacred..even when those dirty old men hid behind trees to see me naked.. I knew what they didn’t know.. I was swimming upstream.. like the little salmon.. swimming up to the future to deliver the next generation to hope..to dream .. to aspire.

And I knew I couldn’t sell out..

Just then my son came running up to me for a hug.. my little kindergartener.. his hood up to protect him from the rain.. his blond, scruffy bangs blowing in the wind.. his bright blue eyes filled with wonder.. his sweet little pink cheeks and lips.. and he put his cheek into my hand..and said ” Mommy I love you.”

The demons were silenced.

  • PV

    Dear Gracie,

    For a couple of minutes I fumbled for words……words of how to express the sadness that crept into my heart as I journeyed through the expression of your experiences through the words shared in this blog.The tears that originate somewhere deep in my heart is a reflection of many things – Seeing myself in your story,the silent call of your heart and the sacred feminine – The creator of all life yet how dense is the veil which cloaks the social understanding !

    If the only thing I can give you is Light & Hope then please know that your expression and the true love of your heart is accepted herein.Beyond the beauty & charm that you exude outside lies a strong and simple pure heart which connects with what every woman wants to experience & be accepted as.If the only thing I can give you is “Love”,i am packing everything I have in these words so that it can reach you and fill each & every crevice of your soul and bathe you with Light.I am from a place miles & miles away from anywhere you can fathom but may this be a candle for you in the storm in knowing that the pureness & truth in your heart & soul is held in love.

    I came to your website “Sacred Goddesses” through a interesting coincidence reading about sacred sexuality and the goddesses energies.I have experienced this energy “energetically” – in my soul,heart and mind.Gracie…..use “prayer”,call for the Universal source and everything will be taken care of.

    Gracie……I bow before you,before your soul,before your inner light for this courage and strength.I thank you a hundred times for what you are presenting with this book,may it show others and many who had walked a similar path that they were the sacred scarlet women,the feminine warriors of light & love.I bow to the little girl,damsel,mother,sister and the goddesses in you !

    May the goddesses presence bless you with her Bounties.Somehow my eyes are filled.

    Know Gracie that you are held in the deepest love you have always yearned for.May you feel it in this moment and may it give you the strength of a hundred goddesses.

    You are a great mother ! I could feel it in the eyes of your son ! You are a great woman Gracie,may nothing and nobody say otherwise.

    From afar with love,

    PV

    • Gracie Ackerman

      I am without words.. your words have touched my heart and soul very deeply.. it as if I am filled with light, love and above all else HOPE.. something that I was searching for today.. not knowing that I had become hopeless and was searching aimlessly through one of my friends spiritual stores.. but here I come home to find it in front of me on my computer..thank you for filling me when I felt so empty..there are no words that can convey my gratitude towards your loving kindness.. I hope from this distance you can also feel my heart <3

      • PV

        Yes I do Gracie.Just wished to take that heart and surround it with the strength & light of the Universal light with this message – “Never think that you are alone”.

        Thank you very much for your words Gracie.It fills my heart.Everything of what I can feel and do is all because of the humble grace of the Goddess energies in whom i have always seen a Mother,a friend,a beloved and above all my home.

        Each word in your blog ring very deep in my heart,I could only do that because of the blessings of some very special women in my life who had with loving patience and faith saw the best in me,removed the cobwebs of my mind and guided me to slowly to accept and love myself.What I realized in the end is that it was only “me” and the programmings of the mind/society/family that kept me in a veil of assumptions.And when the Goddess love erupted finally it filled each pore of my body,like a series of orgasms of love erupting through my being.Gracie I have felt the “Goddess” energy in energy,presence and power more real than with my senses.They say in divine love you enter a vibration where all words suddenly fails,there opens a certain language…fathomless which could only be felt with the heart……only felt !

        The most important person in my life is my twinflame.She is years older to me,from a different culture,never have met her but had been in telephonic contact for the last 6 years.This angel taught me and opened me so much…………..! With anything I am sharing here I am doing what she gifted me with her love,faith and unconditional love.I am not perfect Gracie but i know that divine love through the care of a “self enlightened woman” can heal everything……….!

        Your words in this blog filled me up.Filled me up with the love that is so filled up in you to have understood and realized it in itself is a boon.I have battled with my own sexuality,sensuality and its real power in love until i put down my arms and gave myself to the “Light” inside.That is when the real alchemy started.

        Words are worthless when it comes to describing the real essence of a woman.She is sacred.She is delicate yet the power of a hundred suns.She births the world,she is present in each and everything,the masculine is her child,ying and yang,black & white………..Ur words embody that.

        Gracie……know that you are not alone.The feelings of my heart and the eternal presence of light through my words is a offering at your feet so that you never let go of the true essence of sacredness that envelops you.Yes you are beautiful and represent the full ripeness of a woman’s mystery but what sparkles and lights out beyond the exterior is the innocence of the sacred maiden you embody.

        Love is true and has always been the strongest of everything.And when u call it to present itself from the Universe………..alll miracles happen.Mountains move and things shift Gracie…..I know that because I have experienced it.May you always know that the “light” inside you is everything that matters.

        This moment may you look at the mirror and see the “goddess” in person.May you touch your skin and know that the same ‘source” which made you is bubbling inside you in its joy of creating you.You are everything….may u see the sunshine express that to you…may you hear the moonbeams whisper their love in your ears”.May you know that you are held and loved in a thousand ways.

        Your blog is a “Great Teacher” for me.And this is my humble tribute to what your teachings have made me realize.

        Everything will change for the better now.Have faith……….may your inner child know that she is such a beautiful one inside & outside……

        We are all ‘wounded healers” in a way………….( I read that somewhere ).And in this realm where the “Goddess energies” is raising slowly……..may you know that you have done your best and always are the best ! May this light the candle in your heart……..When everything seems falling away know that is the point when the “Divine core” steps in.

        May this give you the strength of a million suns.You are a blessed one Gracie…..may the Grace of the Goddess always shine on you like your name !

        Much love,

        PV

  • http://www.heavensbow.com/ Raphael Bath

    I have seen that sexuality fuels a spiritual process of the higher forces overcoming the lower. That man helps you to define yourself, because he is the opposite. He helps you to found decisions about what it is that you stand for. I am a servant of Yehova, but I mix with pagans because our own people have become dogmatic. I defined myself when I walked away from religiosity. I have a process which resembles this in type. Sexuality fuels confrontations with intense forces such as demons and other people who hate me. I have also heard their voices all day. I wonder if it is related to the concept of the “lower self,” which sometimes reflects their conscious personality. I define myself by my resistance to them. Painful but powerful.

    • Gracie Ackerman

      Yes I agree with you; I had a dream that he would arrive into my life; he doesn’t realize that he is tempering my metal. He came into my dream like disease; but I became the rising sun shining though the meadow.. I see that now, that is what the dream meant..as I wrote this months ago.. those that challenge me change me for the better.

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