I couldn’t sleep last night because my inner demons tormented me.. I crunched numbers in my head.. trying to figure out how on earth I was going to pay all the bills on time and have extra money to buy my kids the extra things that their dad refused to buy.. I cried and my heart raced with panic. My inner demons screamed at me ” They would be better off with their father, he has all the money, all the luck and people love him. No one will ever love you, you will never be successful.. people can’t stand you in this city.. you should give up. Give up everything, no one wants you or your message. Remember they told you that. They think you are a whore. They think your a looser, single mother, they think your crazy. GIVE UP!!!” I cried as all hope left me.. “What if I am a fool, what if it is all true.?” My demons screeched back to me ” Of course it’s true, your own brother and sister hate you. Your ex and all of his family deserted you. People will never understand you; you have never fit in and you never will, no one will every get you. Your not lovable, your detestable.. you are a social reject, no man in his right mind would want to waist his time with you and your bad luck.. GIVE UP!!”
I told my demons ” Shut up, stop jumping on my heart, stop trying to break my heart and my spirit.. I need to sleep.. I need my health.. I need my piece. I will ask at my gym for a job tomorrow.. I will find a part time job somehow.. I will get by… I will.”
I had nightmares all night.. of all the people in the professional community that despised me.. all the people that made cruel comments on my blog and facebook.. all my struggles.. nightmares of my ex and loosing my children.. nightmares of people breaking into my home to hurt me.. I woke up a lot.. in the morning I was sad.. so sad, tired and drained from stress and sorrow.
I did go to the gym.. I did ask for a job.. It is so hard for me to ask anyone for anything..even work..but there was no position available until maybe September.. then my demons started at me through my work out ” Your ex will not pay for school supplies and school clothing for the kids.. your fucked, the kids are better off with him, you can’t do it.. no one wants you to work for them.. ” I kept working out.. I kept at it.. I did my deadlifts .. increasing my weights up to 45 on each side of the barbell.. should be more than 100 I am lifting with the barbell.. My trainer told me I am pretty.. another lady at the gym told me I am looking good.. ” Hang on to that Gracie” I think to myself.. ” Hang on to the positive.” my demons say ” They are just being nice stupid.” ohh how they are tormenting me like never before..but I work through my entire workout..and no one knows the conversations within; as my nasty, rotten ego pounds the shit out of me.. I cry in the shower at the gym..were no one can hear me.. I give in and break under the torment.
” Hang on” I think.. ” You can do this, you can make it through this.. remember the facebook message..the guy who said he has a business opportunity for you.. maybe this will be the thing to get me through this.”
I got home and I called him.. but .. but.. but
He wanted me to help him promote his online escort service through my erotic writing.. ” It can make you a lot of money.. a LOT OF MONEY$$$$$$$$.. It’s not about pornography” he said.. I questioned him with ” Is it legal?’ ” Yes he said..and don’t over think it.. that’s your problem your making it too complicated.. you think to much.. this can make you a ton of money ..think about it with a business frame of mind.” “but” I said ” My website and book are about sacred sex..about sex for love..this will go against everything I stand for.”.. ” Just think about it .” he cautioned me..” Be wise and give it some thought.” So I did.
Driving to pick up my kids from school my demons said ” You need the money to support your kids.. just think about having more money than your ex.. just think about the exposure on a world wide market selling your writing and getting your name out into the world.. think about fame and money..think about supporting your kids properly.. sometimes you just have to give in and do what the devil does.”
It was raining..as my children ran out of the school doors..but they wanted to stay and play as usual.. I sat under my big green umbrella ..hiding myself even after the rain stopped.. because I didn’t want the children playing to see my sad face.. I thought to myself ” look at them all innocent, beautiful and sweet.. I don’t want them growing up in this world were integrity is sold out for money.. were sex is a commodity that is stripped of love.” I hope no one saw the odd tear that slipped down my face.. I was so ..so filled with sorrow..
I remembered the day that I took the pictures for my website.. I saw myself then.. filled with hope..filled with divine inspiration to unite love and sex.. to bring back the sacred..even when those dirty old men hid behind trees to see me naked.. I knew what they didn’t know.. I was swimming upstream.. like the little salmon.. swimming up to the future to deliver the next generation to hope..to dream .. to aspire.
And I knew I couldn’t sell out..
Just then my son came running up to me for a hug.. my little kindergartener.. his hood up to protect him from the rain.. his blond, scruffy bangs blowing in the wind.. his bright blue eyes filled with wonder.. his sweet little pink cheeks and lips.. and he put his cheek into my hand..and said ” Mommy I love you.”
The demons were silenced.