At my gym today a friend of mine; who had read my blog and all the nasty comments on my blog..said to me ” Gracie your so brave just laying it all out on the line about everything why don’t you just tell them through a post why you can’t get work outside of your home and what your financial struggles are?” As I talked to her about it I became really sad.. I had to struggle with being even more vulnerable writing this..and actually even thinking about writing this makes me feel depressed.. then later today a friend of mine put a post up on her facebook about struggling artist.. and again I felt compelled to write this post.. even though I am really having to reach deep inside of myself to find the courage through my vulnerability to do this..
I am not able to work because of the way the separation agreement between my ex and I was set up by Fairway Divorce.. my ex has to agree to pay for daycare, he has to agree to pay for extra expenses and he will not set up a parenting plan with me as to when he will see the children.. he sets forth a schedule that he makes up without my input and he changes it at his will. I have filed papers without a lawyer to the court to change this but I have not been given a court date.. I attempted to go back to school about a year and half ago… My lawyer who was working with Fairway Divorce told me he was obligated to pay for the daycare..but she didn’t read the agreement properly.. she burned up $3000 of my money in 6 weeks going back and forth to his lawyer only to have me drop out of classes in the end as I had to pay for the daycare myself..and it broke me in my bank and my spirit at the time.. it was a very dark time for me.. My ex still ownes me $24000 in the spitting of the assets that I have to go after him in court without a lawyer because simply a lawyer’s fees would eat up the assets.. and I would be fighting and stressing for nothing.. I have not gone after the money as of yet as I truly fear him.. I have tried legal aid but I am not poor enough to qualify.. I have a girlfriend that is going through the same thing with a lawyer right now that is breaking her bank and spirit due to the fact that her ex is just as selfish, dangerous and self entitled as mine.. she has parents to help her with the money.. I have no family.
I have no family to help me to watch my kids.. if I were to go to work when they are in school I have no one to go and pick up my youngest from Kindergarten when he has an accident.. his teacher is on her final year ..she will soon retire and I think she is simply tired as she calls up parents to get their kids for every little sniffle..
I have no family..and that for some is hard to understand.. I simply have no one.. no one.
The summer is coming up and my kids will be home for school; if I was to pay for daycare cost myself.. I would simply be working outside of the home to pay for daycare cost.. it’s just that fricken simple.. Even if I did get the subsidy it would cover a fraction of the cost of daycare..and it takes 8 weeks for the subsidy to finally payout the childcare worker..there are few people willing to do that.. it’s is why my daycare quit on me while I was trying to go to college.
I tried to create my own work through the writing of my book and the creation of my website.. I am also trying to work at doing Passion Parties on the weekends I don’t have my kids.. I am doing all that I can to work around this.. but it is difficult..and I am finding the arts and culture in my city to be highly repressive and clicky.. Kelowna is clicky.. it’s not about talent it’s about social status ( connections ) and money.. if you don’t have them you are ignored, shunned and shut out.. I am finding Kelowna to be a total shut out.. I am working so hard by writing on my website as much as possible and doing my best at other online social networking outside of my city..
I am just scraping by financially..and it scares the shit out of me.. I worry and cry myself to sleep some nights.. I have no one to comfort me and tell me it’s going to be OK.. I have no emotional or financial support ( No I am not asking for money, by writing this post.. only sharing my story)
I am working as hard as I can to manifest my big break.. but as we all know sometimes it just doesn’t happen for artist..actually it doesn’t happen often.
I don’t want to be with a man just for money or social connections.. I don’t want to be used or use anyone.. I want love.
I wrote and created my book and website for the love of the arts..
I hope my message in the bottle returns.
Love should create more love.