In Love With Loneliness

 

 

 

For the first time in my life my home feels like my own.. It is my place, with my stuff.. it is my refuge from the busy and sometimes cruel world.

For the first time my time is my time.. I don’t have to explain to someone why I am doing the things I am doing. I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying the things I am enjoying.

I don’t have much money. I can’t travel the world..but I am at home in my own soul.

Even though I have many struggles.. and I have run up against some intensity trying to promote my book.. I can say this is mine too  :)

In comparison ..when I was married over 3 years ago.. everything was his. We started out a business together..bought a home together but somehow in his mind when I became pregnant I became owned by him..along with the house, the business, the cars, the stuff in the house.. I was basically demoted to a domestic employee. He took over the bank accounts and started to erode myself worth by constant put downs.. nothing I did was enough..and if I spent my time and energy on myself I was selfish and childish..

I am so happy to be alone now..when I think back to those days.. I was so sad..so drained.. he was an empty heart..and because of his own emptiness there was absolutely nothing I could do to fill him.. it was something he had to do on his own..but he would reflect his emptiness onto me..blaming instead of taking responsibility.. my responsibility was not leaving him after the birth of our first child..when he started to flirt with female employees and take over my life..treating me as subordinate .. I should have left with our baby daughter then.. I should have gone to the woman’s shelter as I had no family ( that is why he thought he could get away with it) instead I gave into my fear and stayed to have 2 more children.. he was the one who left to have his affair..

But looking back..what a favor that women did for me.. stealing him away.. away from me helping me grow.. helping me through sorrow create as an artist and a writer..to her I say ” THANK YOU”

Now being alone.. I am not so quick to want to just let any man into my life..because I am free. I don’t want to owe a man anything again.. I don’t want his money to buy me. I don’t want to be entrapped by the constant game of trying to live up to someone’s impossible expectations.. I would rather struggle financially on my own. I am not so quick to give up my body..as I love myself now..more than I can express..

My time at the gym and my healthy diet an expression of myself love..

Yes I miss a man’s touch.. painfully so sometimes.. yes I miss conversations and dinner’s out on the town..sharing looks and tender moments..but at what price? When he has a wandering eye.. looking over the fence at the greener grass and expecting me to be super woman to impress him?

No.. I am not in a hurry

I am in love with loneliness

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