A Broken Heart

My friends who are married don’t understand what it is like to have a heart as broken a mine.. It is like child birth.. you don’t know what it feels like until you have gone through it.. and every broken heart is different just like every child birth… some are easier to get through than others.

I truly loved my husband.. I loved to take care of him.. I loved to cook and I loved to nurse him back to health.. I loved being a wife and I love being needed. I did love making a home when I wasn’t taken forgrated.. I loved the nightly cuddles and sharing meals together.. I love camping and road trips and I loved sharing our parenting together….I am crying when I write this.. this is comming strait from my heart.

My husband had a wandering eye.. he found my pregnant body discusting and gross..He hated my hormones and mood swings and my many misscarages were a pain in the ass.. when life got real and when it got hard he went into another woman’s bed and arms for comfort.. he stoped talking to me because he was sharing his dreams with someone else.. I am crying again now.. this is painful to share.. this is the reality of a broken heart.

I never wanted to be single again.. I couldn’t imagine it.. being single and being with another man.. It is still hard.. even after 2 years every man that I have been with has made me feel sad…because I was a wife… I am crying again.

I never wanted to date again.. I never wanted to sleep with another man…. but I have been heart sick for love since my husband left me for another woman… I still sleep in our marrital bed.. I still remeber him lying beside me… I remember concieving our son in this bed.. I also remember him turning away from me when I wanted him to make love to me.. that is when I knew he was sleeping with her; and I hit him. I remember fighting with him all night.. trying to get him to tell me the truth.. but he would just call me crazy and other names..I remember when he left me.. I remember laying in this bed feeling like my heart had been shot by shot gun.. like the pellets had ripped my heart to shreads.. I felt like I was bleeding to death night after night in the cold darkness. I was totally and utterly alone.

I thought that I would hear his truck drive up.. I would jump up to look out the window in to the cold darkness only to see it was nothing.. I did this for months.. I kept expecting him to come to his senses and love me again.

Know one who hasn’t been through this can possibly understand this pain.. this sorrow.. I loved him with all of me.. complet and entire.. heart and soul..I wanted to die.. but my children needed me.. they were feeling this pain too.

My friends who are married; even if their marriage has problems.. most do.. don’t understand why I look for love.. because they have it.. they think that I should turn all my attention to my children and that dating or wanting to be with someone is selfish.. because their lives are not empty of this love the love that couples share.

I never wanted to be a single mother.. I thought this was for life.. I never thought that he could ever be so cruel as he is being now.. please don’t judge me for my need for love and for a partner..I am crying again.

This is my reality.. Iam not love sick constantly.. I have a life that is rich and full.. I have my interest and my passions.. I have my goals and my friends.. but I need a partner to cuddle and love. This is not weak or selfish it is a human and spiritual need for love.

I did not drive my husband away.. I was a person experiencing real life and being real in the experience.. he didn’t want that he wanted…I still don’t know what he wanted?

He just didn’t want me.