Archive for August, 2015

Don’t let them dull your sparkle

 

It really felt like the last day of summer in Kelowna BC today.. because of the intense smoke from the forest fires the beaches were almost empty today.. not normal for the end of August in a summer tourist destination.. My kids were away for the entire week on vacation with my ex husband; their father.. I hit the gym hard.. and stayed in to work online. But it being my last day of freedom I decided to brave the smoke.. get off line..and out of the gym and get the hell outside.. I just wanted to get one more paddle boarding in before the weather cooled down. I didn’t want to rent from this one woman because she is in with the clicks in Kelowna.. the snotty bitches and the snotty bastards.. those people who judge me for my book.. for the topic of sexuality.. who just judge me for being different period; but as I drove from beach to beach they were the only rentals that I could find that were renting.. and that’s what I told the young woman working for the snotty woman.. she told me that she wanted to pack everything up and not rent to me.. but I told her ” You have all your rentals out.. your trailer is open.. you haven’t packed anything up..it’s only 1 pm and I ready to give you my money.” Unbelievably she got her “boss” on the phone to ask her if it was ( Ok) to rent to me.. I haven’t ever experienced such rudeness as a customer in my life!.. Then she only wanted me to rent for 1 hr.. even though I am a paying customer, I had to talk her into letting me rent for 2 hrs { I NEVER! } I just couldn’t believe the rudeness as she tried to guilt trip me of the likelihood that I could loose a $200 paddle and end up owning them? It was truly twilight zone material.. the shit just blows my mind.. but fuck them.. “rent me a board ..get your drama and your bullshit outta my face.. “and then off I went..off to open water and the wild blue yonder .. but what a bunch a shit..

The beginning of my stay vacation on the paddle board, I was thinking about my Summer of Fuckery in Kelowna BC.. 2015 Summer of Fuckery.. first it was the photographer on the first day of summer…that pretended to be my friend.. to have me believe that he was going to take lovely well finished professional shots of me for my Free The Nipple post on this here blog.. to send me totally unfinished shots just to fuck with me for his snotty Kelowna connections.. of snotty bitches..and other snotty photographers..and other snotty artist .. etc.. etc.. that blew my mind.. Oh the fuckery..from the fuckers..

Then it was meeting with a local man ..who was oh so charming at first.. and I fell for him hard.. I feel in love at first sight.. Like a stupid, childish girl.. only to see that he met with me and followed me on facebook to get revenge on me, for his snotty friends in Kelowna Society.. and I was heartbroken.. truly broken by that.. I cried.. I wept.. I got angry.. I was shocked.. I was metaphorically run through by an arrow well aimed .. not for love or passion ..but for the pure sake of feeding his ego..and his friend’s egos..for the sake of fuckery.. from the fuckers.. I thought as I paddled ..

But then something wonderful happened after I paddled under the bridge.. I found a spot were the water was greener than green… and as I sat down on the board I felt like I was looking into a perfectly decorated fish tank.. long green underwater plants spiraled up to meet me and little blue minnows danced between then.. and I was present with them..with the peace and serenity .. the tranquility that I craved.. that my soul needed to heal.. to breath .. to let go of them.. and I thought ” Fuck them ” Fuck them and their bullshit posturing for social popularity.. I am Amazing Grace.. I am peace and I am Grace Under Pressure.. I am beautiful despite their nastiness and pettiness .. I am like these little minnows swimming sweetly in their bliss.. I don’t care what they think.. I just don’t care..” just give me the board and the paddle and get the fuck outta my face.’” And then I came to a place were the osprey nested..and they called out ..and I called back to them..and they got louder and I sang back to them..and they swooped and swooshed over my board.. and then a flock of Canadian geese flew big circles around me before deciding to land close by me..and I heard the music in their wings..their perfect timing.. and the water ripped greens, purples and blues..the smoke from the fires didn’t bother me at all..as I sat in a yoga posture..to meditate in nature.. the board under me rocking in the soft waves like a cradle..and I knew they just didn’t matter.. not at all.. not at all.. I am in my center.. in my own still center.

When I brought the board back..they were just as rude.. they had packed everything up.. I brought the board in 10 min early..but the didn’t even acknowledge me..they practically ignored me.. they didn’t even hand me my belongings from their trailer.. I had to reach in and grab my beach bag and purse myself..and then search for my shoes ..

I sat on the park bench to put on my shorts, shirt and shoes..I said to an older man sunbathing ” I will never rent from that woman again.” I told him what happened.. we talked for a bit.. He was a real estate developer from Montreal .. we talked about my book.and his business.. he asked me ” Should I buy some land here.. ?” I told him too.. I said “Kelowna is a goldmine for real estate development .. everyone wants to retire here or own a summer condo.. if you have that kind of money.. you should do it.” he told he was traveling all over Canada looking for land to purchase for developments.. then he said to me ” You are someone very special.. you sparkle.. your energy is amazing.. you have that certain something..a star quality that not many people have but wish they had.. when you first started talking to me, before you told me about your troubles here in your city.. I thought you were already a famous person on vacation here.. you don’t fit in here because your energy and sparkle are bigger than here.. you belong in high places.. you shine..don’t let them dull your sparkle.” he proclaimed in a thick French Canadian accent .. the he said ” Beat them with gratitude .. you are beautiful, healthy and very intelligent..be grateful that you are not like them.” And then he shook my hand.. he had a nice firm hand shake… and as I left we wished each other well and blessed…

And then I stopped to smell the flowers.. because I am grateful for the tiny bit of summer we have left..

I am grateful.

Over him

 

It’s such a wonderful liberating moment when you realize you are fully over a guy. I was putting on my makeup at the gym this morning after a brutal workout.. one leg up high on the counter like a dancer..as a song came on and he suddenly burst into my mind.. of course it was the song that was playing when I met him.. but as he entered my mind with the song I realized I hadn’t thought of him for a long time..and that is when I knew I was over him… then my mind went back to the few men that I have encountered over the last several years; after my separation and divorce..and I relished at the thoughts of being over them too..and then in my mind I thanked my ex husband’s mistress for taking him off my hands..I began to be really honest with myself..and my own bullshit.

I really like my freedom right now.. I think I always did..as soon as the ex left.. I think my spirit soared even though my heart was broken by the rejection..but I think subconsciously I drove him away.. because he was boring LOL LOL LOL and he wasn’t very smart.. he was awful in bed..he was boring in bed too!… I think it was a sweet self-sabotage .. that was really like a prison run!

And now here I am.. an independent single mom..and yes sometimes it’s scary.. it’s a lot of work..and I do get lonely.. and because I am not the type that sees sex as recreation .. I really miss having sex ..but I have learned about my own body and I am really good at pleasuring myself.. waaaaaaaaaaaay better than my ex ( hahaha ) my sex life got a lot better without him in the room.. but ya know the few guys that I have been with since then..{ very disappointing }.. and if they were half decent in bed they weren’t out of the bedroom.. having a guy fuck with your head, energy and time just isn’t worth it.. so truly there hasn’t been one guy to this date that has been worth giving up my single life for.. but now I love being alone.

I love that feeling of getting over a guy.. just walking away.. closing that emotional door..and bolting for the open meadows.. fuck it! Like the runaway bride.. I don’t ever want a traditional relationship again.. I don’t want the wedding.. I don’t want to be WIFEY .. GAWD NO!  I am really not keen on meeting his mother either.. I don’t want to be whittled way by a guy ever again.. they do this thing; where they slowly try to change you into their MOTHER! NOOOoooooooooooo! You see it all the time.. a woman that is hot and sexy gets into a relationship…gets engaged..and then she starts to get motherly looking..she starts to dress more conservatively or motherly..or just fucking frumpy .. then she starts to get lumpy ( fat ) and out of shape..and she starts to loose herself in his life! GAWD NO! She starts to loose her metaphorical voice..she tones it down.. dumbs herself down.. his opinion becomes hers! FUCK! Cause guys like kind women.. doormats to marry LOL! So he domesticates her with guilt trips and hidden agendas..and constantly compares her to his friends wives and his fucking mother. And 5 years later she looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.. she says ” Who the fuck am I ?”

I can be kind..but I can be a little, wild bitch..and ya know what..I like both sides of myself.. I like my wild, little, bitch, badass.. tell it like it is..give it to you strait up ..wild child self..and when I am in the mood to bake or cook and sing and be like Disney I do..but fuck being a doormat ..fuck dumbing myself down for some guy who is a big baby.. who can’t get over his mommy.. fuck that!

I am so over that guy.. calling him a pussy is a complement.. pussy are awesome.. he is an asshole.. I am over him.

If a guy is going to enter my life.. he is going to be intelligent, emotionally mature.. he doesn’t have to be rich or be super hot.. just my kinda hot.. my kinda wild fire.. and he isn’t going to be some boring shit.

I can’t see me sitting at charity events.. with some boring rich bastard.. nor can I see me tolerating Mr.Charming and tolerating his incessant need for public adoration.. I need a man who has a wild roaming spirit..someone to challenge me.. mentally.. not some boring, big baby ego maniac.

Or maybe once again this is my own bullshit.. maybe secretly I am like the wind.. nothing and no one can hold me in..tie me down .. maybe I am like my native grandfather.. I am gypsy.. I am just gonna follow the moon and the stars..

It’s a mystery even to me?

The Goddess

 

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

Isis the Star


Isis is the root of all the Goddesses of ancient times; she is the Divine Mother. Isis is the soul of the Star Sirius. Sirius is believed to be the gateway to the higher consciousness through the River of Stars. Therefore it is believed that Isis brought forth the higher consciousness of the Divine through her incarnation on this earth. Isis represents Mother Nature or the Mother of all humanity and all living things.

Isis incarnated to become The Muse of the civilized world; she was known as The Lady Of Love, protection, healing, beauty, fertility, art, music, abundance, mystery and magic; to name a few of her attributes.

As civilization sprang forth from Egypt it is believed that the root of all religion comes from this era in time. Isis, Osiris (her husband) and Horus (Their Divine Son) were all molded into Greek and Roman Mythology and through the Roman Catholic Church they were woven into Christianity. Mary Mother of Jesus is said to be Isis and Horus.

Jesus has been called the Morning Star in the bible as he originated from the belief that Isis and her descendants came from the Star Sirius and Sirius is the heavenly proof of their Divine Origin of the Higher Consciousness of Divinity.

 

It is believed that Isis and her family were real living people and that all of us come from this pool of DNA; our Divinity is our divine birthright. It is the established organized world order that wishes to keep control of their elite status through controlling the masses by fear. The fear that this so called cult or paganism will damn us all to hell; but in truth all is one and the root of the Egyptian Ancient culture taught that all originated from one divine source.

 

In moving away from sacredness and the wisdom that sex is an act of sacred union, we have soiled the sacred and lost ourselves in our own profanity. It is the goal of the elite to keep those under them down; the divine teaches that all is equal and that the truly civilized are wise enough to love and cherish the differences between the sexes and to understand the duality of the soul.  A truly divine civilization lives in a state of compassion. This is and was the Divine plan.

Heaven Sent

 

 

 

Heaven sent me to love,

Heaven filled me with light,

A light so bright,

Soft and white,

To pull you into my heart.

 

Heaven sent me to you,

To show you the right thing to do,

I am filled with warmth,

To comfort you,

I am here for you.

 

Heaven sent me to guide,

I am the pureness of truth,

I am to show you,

You,

I will bring you joy.

 

Heaven sent me to understand,

To show and bring wisdom in,

Into your heart,

To show you,

The soul you are.

 

Heaven sent me here,

To help and protect,

I  am here to remind you,

You are all,

You are light.

 

Heaven sent I am,

I illuminate,

I shine,

I bring in a higher way,

A pathway to the stars.

 

Heaven sent me to open your heart,

To show you the way through,

I will walk with you,

Through the pain and fear,

To bring you back,

To love.

 

Heaven sent the light,

The light is love,

Through the heart,

We all are saved,

We all have Heaven.

From Beyond

 

You saw me leave my body

But I am not gone

I am here as energy

I am here for eternity

 

I will never leave your side

I will guide you gently on

I was never gone

I am in the great beyond

 

I speak to you in your dreams

I live within a song

I move on the wind

I am and I will live on

 

I will fill your heart with love

I will bring hope

I am your shining star

I will carry you through

 

I whisper to your soul

I come to you unexpectedly

I come to you when your heart calls me

I will always be with you.

Use Me

 

I am nothing without you

I am your instrument

I need you to hold me

Hold me in your hands,

 

I empty myself

I make room for you

I need your divinity

Please use me,

 

I understand that I am your creation

I understand through this wisdom

I know that I live for this

For this time and place

To be in this space of nothingness,

 

Please use me

Play your music through me

Create using me

Bring peace through me

I live for this and nothing less,

 

I am your instrument

I am your paintbrush

I am your canvas

I am your pen and your paper

Please use me,

 

Nothing I want more than this

Is to set my ego aside

To see that I am more than this

To be your tool to create bliss

Please use me,

 

I surrender to this

This is my reason to exist

To be one with you

I must surrender myself

I must use my gifts,

 

I am filled with your light

I will help it shine

I will bring it forth,

By putting me aside

I am yours

When I chose to be the submissive

The Goddess

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

MAD

 

I am mad because I am done with being judged as a woman!

 

I am mad because society has no compassion.

 

I am mad because all the tenderness and the kindness of humanity is locked behind selfishness and greed.

 

I am so sick of men trying to make me into either a virgin or a whore! I am sick of it; what the heck is up with that?

 

Women are either puritan or porn star. You’re the guy’s mother or his tramp!

 

A tramp is a woman that likes and wants sex; his mother is the opposite, you see to all his other needs and then lay down and go through the motions; telling him and yourself your doing it for him so you’re not a tramp.

 

Of course women who are single mothers; looking for a man are just trashy! How dare a single mother like me not make her kids her only priority? God forbid that I should need and want my basic needs for love and partnership met! God forbid that I want someone to share my life with; someone to laugh with, cry with and yes have sex with; I would rather say it as having someone to make love to and be made love to; but NO, that’s just being man crazy and a bad freaken mother!

 

Double fricken standards put on women by society; Sex is dirty or pure; that’s bullshit! It isn’t either! Sex is a way that two people come together to build and maintain intimacy and it is a physical release. Why can’t we all just grow up!?

 

Why do we have to make things evil or good? Why can’t we just see things for the way they are? Gees ya know? It’s just so childish the way we have to label everyone as either good or bad when we ourselves are both! We are all human; we have a basic need for love and to be touched physically.

 

It is the taboo that we put on sex that makes it dirty or pure; it is our childish perspectives; Gawd we need to get a grip!

 

Society needs to grow up! We need to stop telling women to be plastic freaks, with Botox filled faces and fake boobs; starving ourselves to look the way we are told is attractive.

 

Men;  you guys have got to start seeing women as people with souls and hearts that are easily broken; a woman’s heart is as tender as her breast; we are so fragile we need love and tenderness! We need to be held and heard and seen!

 

The human body is a miracle in its self; it is creation’s finest work of art; it is beautiful, sensual and amazing. We treat our bodies like crap! We eat crap! We don’t exercise enough! Or we go to the other polar opposite and we starve and over work ourselves for fashion and not for HEALTH!

 

We are out of balance.. Everything is black or white; good or evil. We don’t have any compassion for the fallen soul… even though we are all fallen and imperfect.

 

I just want to know where is the love?

 

I myself am so sick of being looked at and sized up; I am bad mom cause I am sexy and free spirited..why? How do people jump to that?

 

I am writing my book to show that women can be sexual; be mothers; be grandmothers; be professionals; WE CAN BE WHAT WE WANT! Oh it is said to us; but in our repressed society it is not true; we are not given that room; we are still fighting for our freedom to be people in our own right. If I am a mother it doesn’t mean I turn into a child again because I have children. It is like society is afraid that if a mother is a sensual being she is messing up her kids; but the opposite is true; to be repressed sexually is to teach your children the same damn thing.

 

What is being sexual; IT IS IN YOUR TRUE NATURE…gawd!

 

It doesn’t make you are dirty; God made men and women to fit into each other or if you don’t believe in God then science and nature did that! And so being the civilized humans that we are supposed to be means that we can express our sexuality with dignity.. *sigh*

 

Diginity; meaning that we honor our sexuality; understand it’s importance while not hurting ourselves and others with uncontrolled urges. So that means not to become so entrenched in your sexuality that it becomes an addiction; meaning sex is all you live for and think about constantly; because life should be lived in balance for health; emotional, spiritual, physical and mental health.

 

But to be aware and proud of your sexuality is perfectly healthy!

 

Being ashamed of the human body is ignorant; being ashamed of your own body is insecurity and self-defeating.

 

The way to love your own body is to take care of your body and to do away with media hype and learn to accept and love your imperfections…damn it!

 

I just hope by writing this book that I can show humanity how to live in health and compassion.

 

Women’s sexuality is totally misrepresented in the media; we are still seen as plastic dolls that are bad girls if we like sex and seek sex out; we are tramps and we deserve to be used my men cause we like sex.. It’s crap! Good girls are shown as being there just for a man’s comfort and needs.. Period! It’s crap!

 

Women do like sex with love… we need tenderness; we need not to be held up to an impossible standard by our men.. We need to take the time to look after ourselves and love our bodies; without guilt trips for caring and nurturing ourselves and not just everyone else.

The Goddess

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

The Martyr

 

You will find her busy all day and night; she seems to take on the world single handedly, she chooses suffering as service. She chooses to suffer by neglecting herself, by putting others needs before her own. Her house is never clean enough, her children never quite live up to her high standards and her mate cannot do as good of a job with the chores as she can.

 

She wears her suffering as a badge of high standing; the world owes her for her enduring suffering. She sleeps little; she doesn’t sit to eat, because she is still puttering around the kitchen. But those she serves are never at ease as they are made to feel uncomfortable with her steady glare as they sit down to eat. She is not enjoying her dinner, but you must enjoy yours to please her. But she cannot sit to eat; but you must, as it will make her happy to be unhappy.

 

She takes up every cause; she works at every charity, she works her fingers to the bone, she is out of shape, she says she doesn’t have the time for such things because someone has to do all the work; of course she means her. She tells you that it must be nice to sit and read, she tells you it must be nice to have time to have your nails done. She says she doesn’t have the time to do these indulgent things; the entire world would fall apart without her running things.

In her presents you must do as she thinks is right. Your house must be clean, just the way she cleans hers, you should live your life through your children as she does hers. She puts them first at all times, they are in all the sports and extra activities, even if it means she cannot afford things for herself. The Martyr puts herself last as all good women should. She suffers so much for you; but you don’t seem to care, she thinks, as you do not take care of her the way she takes care of you. She does everything for you; she thinks of you first, she doesn’t sleep at night so that all the coffee beans are ground just right for you. She folds all the laundry just right in the middle of the night; she gets up at 5 am to start making bread from scratch, she cleans the walls, she cans veggies from her garden and just like in the good old days; she hangs the laundry on the line. She does it all just for you. She smothers you with her advice that you are too selfish to take. She would die for you and she tells you so; but she says you don’t care enough about her to do the same.

 

Her husband pushes her away; he is so sick of the nagging, but he is spoilt by her constant care, the Martyr needs a jailor and he has taken up the role in the dysfunction by accepting and the expecting her constant care. She blames him for her over working and he blames her for his emotional misery; the circle is constant as they feed off each other’s codependence.

 

The Martyr lives in every woman to some degree as we have been taught by women throughout the centuries in these behavioral patterns. Good women cook and clean; good women do not complain; good women make the man the head of the household; good women are under him as his servant. A good women exist to make his life more comfortable at their own expense. Good women do not enjoy life; they do not play, they do not nurture themselves they nurture everyone else while becoming depleted, boring and bitter.

 

This woman is a child; she manipulates like a crying infant to get her way. What she wants is to be is the one taken care of by others, she manipulates by using her suffering to inflict guilt and shame on those she loves to bind them to her. If she gave herself love and nurturing instead of giving it all away to others she could find her emotional maturity. If she stopped playing the game of “Poor little me” she could have time to live her life instead of trying to live her life through others. The truth is she is afraid, she is scared of taking responsibility for herself, for her life and to take risks on her own of her own creations and passions. The Martyr hides behind others so that she doesn’t have to blaze her own trail; so that she doesn’t have to risk, fail and succeed on her own. The Martyr is afraid to live.

 

All women are socially conditioned to be her; we have been conditioned by princess fairytales through Hollywood; to live our lives through our men and children. It is time woman took control and responsibility of our own risk to succeed, fail and succeed.

Beautiful Menstrual Blood

 

There is power in the blood..but it isn’t in the blood of Jesus..it was in the blood of Mary, of Isis and of Inanna.. she didn’t come from his rib..he has always come from her womb..and he also had a womb within her womb.. from 0 to 8 weeks of gestation inside the womb.. he was a she..and so it is The Goddess lives within the man..and so it is that he is always trying to find away to get back home to her..but he has lost his way in attempting to claim the power of the womb for himself.. ( The Patriarchy ) are the men whom have gone astray from The Great Mother by trying to claim her blood or womb for themselves..for their own power plays.. or ego fears that if women come into the power of their wombs ..the power of life..the cradle of life that exists within them..that they would do as the egocentric Patriarchy do..and that is to use the sacred blood to control all humanity for the sake of power and greed..and so they shamed the blood of The Great Mother..and made her sex evil; she was made to cover her nursing breasts.. and not allowed to enter the male based religious temples while she bleed..as she was labeled unclean and dirty.. and so it is to this very day women are shamed into covering up..to cleaning up.. the organic nature of their nurturing, dripping fertility ..their gold.. their treasure.. buried in shame..and that is why I am writing this post as I bleed..

Today I loved myself..as I felt my body get ready to shed my red velvet lining.. like the lining of a treasure chest.. I felt very emotional.. listening to classical music; I felt my bottom lip quiver ..as the music fit so tenderly with my tender heart and womb.. I was wakened in the middle of the night with cramps..and crazy dreams.. and I knew.. it was time to be tender with myself..

Every time I bleed I think of my past pregnancies..and I think about how my children grew inside of me using my blood for a bed.. using my body for comfort and food..and because my breast are tender like they were during pregnancy, I think about how much I loved nurturing each one of my children with my breast milk.. I think about how my body and every women’s body is a wonderland.. is magic.. how sensual we are.. just like the Earth herself..how she holds our lives by the dirt under our feet..that what we think of as dirty like menstrual blood..is organic and fertile.. and I feel intense emotion and love for The Great Mother..and I feel one with her.. and I feel that I am lying at her breasts.. nestled in her great cradle of life..and I think women’s blood is gold… golden and rich with possibilities ..

But then I remember all the shame I encountered as a young woman..only being 10 when I first bleed.. the shame put onto me by society.. not to smell like blood, not to leak blood.. not show the lump in my paints that my pad made.. how horrible gym was.. how awful the boys were.. how intolerant and even cruel male teachers could be.. I remember feeling that way into my 20s.. how sad a society that we treat girls and woman like dirty little things.. for having wombs and breasts..for having the power within them to create life..to chose to nurture life or not to ..

Now I am 45..and I have bled for 35 years..and now that I know my blood is sacred.. now that I know my blood is magic..soon I will enter a new phase..the dark moon phase of The Goddess.. when my womb will no longer bleed.. but now my womb has taught me wisdom..and that is The Dark Moon Phase.. I am wise.. wise to the ways of the womb and the blood.. and it is my place to teach the Maidens.. those entering into the New Moon Phase.. to teach them to honor their blood.. to see their blood as sacred .. of ancient red gold.. to teach new mothers in the Full Moon Phase of The Goddess.. to nurse uncovered.. to nurse without shame.. to wear the pregnant bellies without shame.. to love their round Full Moon..and flowing Milky Way breasts..as the Milky Way is the Milk of Isis..

And It is my duty to teach men who are conscious and ready… ready to be initiated into the ways of The Great Mother..ready to come home to the womb.. it is my duty as a Goddess.. to show them the way back to their MOTHER .. away from controlling and shaming women.. to honoring, loving and supporting The Goddesses in their lives.. this is the way to his Godhead..to his Inner God.. to see the sacredness in the womb.. the womb that birthed him..the womb he longs for.. the womb that was once his very own..while he lived within the womb.. and this is the infinite wisdom of the ancients.. let it be birthed again through the blood… for we will be saved by the blood of The Goddess… by her compassion.

In a world of my own

 

I found my happiness… it was in acceptance. My dream about Albert Einstein helped me to become conscious of the unconsciousness of others around me..and that I cannot help them.. it is what it is. I had to learn the hard way.. like Alice falling down the rabbit hole and then attending the Mad Hatters tea party.. she realized they were all mad and incapable of seeing or becoming aware of their own madness..and so she had to leave them to it… and so I am. I had to go out into the mad world of my local community and try to attempt to be a part of society; to see that I don’t want to be a part of it.. I want to be a part from it.. I want none of it. It’s funny that they thought I was causing drama because I was drawn into their dramas.. but such is madness..

But one day.. just the other day, as I lay on the grass listening to my son’s joyous laughter..and the laugher of the other children.. I realized that I liked this world so much better.. that there is happiness in letting go of caring what other people think of you..and I realized I wasn’t ever meant to fit in to their world… my level of consciousness is much nicer..and my nightly dreams are now getting even more trippy as I let go and just go with it.. my mind is free of them and their babble,, my spirit is soaring once more… and I am back.. back to myself..and I know now what happiness is.. it’s finding yourself.. your inner bliss.. it’s the love of the simple, sweet moments I spend with my kids.. it’s my workouts,, it’s cooking wonderful organic meals… and sunrises and sunsets.. it’s writing here on my blog..it’s putting paint on canvas.. it’s the deep conversations I have with my teenage daughters about growing into womanhood..

I feel down the rabbit hole..and I fell for the madness.. but now I am back to my senses..and back to myself..and I realize now I shouldn’t of ever trusted madness to define consciousness..there is madness of doing and doing and getting nowhere..but right back were you started…and then there is the good crazy.. and that is being in a world of my own.. the place deep inside of myself.. were I make magic into art.. I give method to madness..now that is my kind of crazy..

let them have their nonsense.. it’s a long road to nowhere..

I will be baking pumpkin pie :) and enjoying life

The Goddess

 

Hidden Goddess

( from the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of The Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

Before the formation of the Christian church brought about through the Roman Emperor Constantine the 1st through the First Council of Nicaea in 325 AD; The Goddess was held in high esteem.

 

The temples of Egypt, Greece and Roman were filled with Priestesses and High Priestesses. The Priestesses existed to glorify the soft, beautiful sexuality of women. It was believed that a man came closer to the Divine through intercourse and intimacy of the Priestess; since the Goddess existed through all women, the intimacy that men and women shared glorified creation. It was thought that through her body his animal instincts could be tamed through the release of his sexual tension. This release of all sexual tension brought both the man and the woman closer to the wisdom of the Divine.

Men would enter a temple to be sexually intimate with a Priestess. It was common for a Priestess to have sex with many men, as it was her sacrifice that caused the betterment of all society.

The new emerging Christian Religion was causing problems for the rulers of that time. The religions were overlapping, causing a lack of organized rule. Jesus the man or the believed son of God had been gone for hundreds of years. Many books had been written about the history leading up to his birth and the New Testament was written long after his passing. Jesus the man showed through his actions and words that he saw women as equals; it is proposed that Mary Magdalene was a whore, that Jesus drank wine and that his followers were dirty low life fishermen. Yet the simplicity of the Man and his teachings were eaten up by doctrine, and the roles and the equality of women were marginalized; eventually the equality of women in the Christian faith was stripped away from women due to the rules of religion (doctrine).

Quite simply the Roman Christian faith used sexuality as a road to piety and away into purgatory; the way out of purgatory was through payment; whether the payment be through trade or money. This “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” scenario goes on to this day through all major world religions. State and Country rule through this moral code; a good man who is worthy of Office has a good puritan woman that behaves by his side. He parades his family and wife around with him while he sees to his daily work functions as a politician or as a world leader. The world has been caught up in this unhealthy state of our sexuality for thousands of years.

We are damned sinners for liking sex and then we are over sexualized by the media; as we are sex starved and sex as a taboo sells product.

 

The Goddess has been cast down from her holy and sacred throne by the need for power and control of the masses; simply put the powers that be, have the men by their balls and the women by their ovaries; it is that simple.

By the wisdom of seeing sex and the body as a sacred temple society will be set free of this emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bondage. Sex is not a sin; sex is sacred, the body is sacred, the copulation of men and women is wholesome, pure and natural.

God, The Universe, The Divine; however you wish to see or understand all that is; made men and women to make love, not just for the sake of marriage and babies. We were made to create love and lust to lead us to ecstasy and bliss. This sacred place is found in the sharing of each other.

 

Women have had the burden of hiding their sexuality through the ages; of behaving as society dictates in order not to be shunned by friends and family, church and country.

 

It is up to us to take back the sacred Goddess in each of us; the Goddess that has been hidden through dogma and doctrine; to control the masses through mass fear of damnation. It is true that most women feel damned no matter what direction that they take in life. To be a stay at home mom means not working, to some; even to their husbands, this can be seen as lazy. Mothers that do work out of the home are seen as being neglectful to their children and competing financially with their husbands. Women who chose not to have children to pursue their work and passions are seen as selfish. The Goddess is damned in each woman, if she is a virgin, she is to be respected but then she can be seen as frigid or even freakish. If a woman has sex with more than say 10 men in her life time she can be judged as a slut. If a woman enjoys sex and knows her body; she is sinful and dirty.

It is up to women to reclaim their inner Goddess; to live their lives as they see fit; to own their sex and their bodies. Men want to see us do it; men have missed her, the one that tames him and makes him more of a man by loving him with her body. It is time the Goddess rises to her rightful throne; beside her God, beside her man.

 

We have damned ourselves in hiding her way in dogma; we have raped the earth and depleted our resources out of control and rule. It is time that all becomes sacred again through her rising, it is time to come out of the Dark Ages, it is time for the Golden Age to begin through her wisdom.

The Goddess has been made dirty by society and religion; through this book, through this work, through the photography I mean to clean off the cobwebs and the dirt. To show The Goddess again renewed, reborn, and shining in her true priceless worth.

The Queen of the Universe shall take her rightful place beside her King. It is through their sacred love and the sacred union of their flesh that we come to the New Golden Age.  It is the Age of The Compassionate Heart.

E=MC2 The Relativity of Reality

 

I was dreaming about Albert Einstein again.. we were at his wooden desk..and the black board was wiped clean behind him.. his desk was empty.. he sat on the other side ..smiling a big warm smile..and he said to me..” I think to much” and he laughed.. I laughed..then he said with a chuckle ” I proved reality isn’t real..but you can’t tell people that because they will think you are crazy.” we both laughed some more.. I knew he was going to teach me something..he knew I knew..so he got right to it..

He stood up and turned off the lights..it was pitch black and totally silent.. he asked me ” what do you see?” I said ” Nothing but darkness” he said ” Do you think everything is still here in the room?” I said ” Yes” he said “Why do you think everything is still in the room if you can’t see it.” I said “Because I saw it before you turned off the lights.” He said..” Ahhhh.. you believe it still exists then?” He turned the light off and on several times.. then he said to me ” Reality is just a belief..and your body is just a simple measuring tool to gauge reality with.”.. He said ” If the human body is a tool of measurement ..it’s measurements are only as good as it’s sensitivity or senses..and so if it’s senses are incomplete it can only measure reality by it’s lens of perception. That means that a human’s perceptions of reality are incomplete..but then what is reality anyway?”

He went on to explain the creation of reality ..he said ” Reality is a mass illusion of the consciousness that creates it..and because there are many levels of consciousness created by different levels of life forms at different levels of awareness.. reality is subjective to the observer and the mass pools of perception projecting their beliefs onto unavailable energy sources..these sources of energy are without form or mass…but given form by the intention of beliefs; this is quantum theory or quantum physics.”

‘What do you think is the source of intention?” he asked me with a knowing grin.. I said ” I am sure you know.” we both laughed as he shared more of his genius ” Intention is emotion..and so love or loving intentions create higher forms of consciousness..and so higher life forms create a more pure or civilized reality.. fear is the emotion of self destruction…and so lower lifeforms ..those of lowered intelligence create a destructive and violent reality.. humanity is rising in consciousness… but not all humanity will rise. Wormholes are the interconnected passageways of different levels of consciousness or realities..dimensions .. doorways between higher and lower levels of awareness..as the cosmos is aware of it’s self.. so some will incarnate back to lower lifeforms..some will still have human levels or stories to learn and incarnate as energy in the mass or form of humans..some will incarnate into higher beings..”

“Theory is they key ingredient in science towards helping humanity grasp higher levels of understanding past the gauge of our own minute human perceptions.. Without the imagination we would be cast into darkness.. it is through belief that we can create a higher way of being. The problem with intentions is not lying to the self about intention..as you can tell other’s your intentions are based on love to fool others; but you cannot fool the energy.. The energy knows.. and will give back what is created within the heart..”

And as he turned to wipe the board clean for his next student.. I was waking in my real life..but I heard him say as my eyes were not yet open..” Was this dream more of a reality than the one you are about to enter?” He was laughing as my eyes flew open.

The Goddess

 

The Photo Shoots

(From the book ~The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

 

First off I am not a model; but that is the point. Through the sensual photography I am trying to show a softer side of sexuality; really if I had my way, I would do away with pornography for obvious reasons. I don’t see anything wrong with erotica because it usually benefits both the sexe’s sexual appetites; but porn shows women being degraded. To me erotica shows sex and romance; love and lust, something both sexes aspire to in the pursuit of love and lovemaking.

Anyway I am not what would be considered model material at all; I am 5ft tall, 120 pounds and I am 42. My body has conceived 7 times but I have given birth to three children; but this is the reality of being a woman; our age; weight, height don’t make us any less sexy; that is media hype to sell us youth and wieghtloss products that don’t work. Only healthy diet and exercise work. I am very healthy and fit; not skinny or fat, I have curves and real breast, and even my nails are real. The point in using me as the model is to bring back real beauty and health for women and no one else would do it!

 

I met Claire and Joan of Miss Sassy Pants Boudoir Photography in the summer of 2011; my ex had left me for another woman; I believe in my heart that the affair started while I was pregnant with our son. I needed a self-esteem boost; I had lost 40 pounds of baby weight, I was single again and I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. The photographs turned out beautifully. I used them on my blog to post (The Divine Feminine 1 through 6). I use them on my facebook as well.

 

I had the greatest Idea ever! I decided to write a book about the Goddess and as a very visual and artistic person, I knew in my heart that having Claire and Joan do the photography would make the book like sensual eye candy. It was hard to use myself; I know that there are some people that know me (especially family) who will think that I am conceited, crazy and glorifying myself through the book.  Yes I had to use myself; I couldn’t afford to pay someone else and I couldn’t find no one who had the courage to do it. The message of the book is so important to me; that I decided to take the leap of faith and risk it all myself and I am risking it all. Everyone will know me as the woman who posed in this book, not just the author of the book but the model; everyone who looks at and reads this book will know my body in a lot of detail. This does take away from my privacy; I chose not to have any shots with frontal nudity below the waist as that is very private to me, I am saving that part of me for me and for the man I will love and who will love me.

 

As a mother; it made it harder to come to the decision to do it; but as a mother I had to do it. I want to show my young daughters and my son how wonderful women really are, how real and beautiful, how sensual and strong real women are. I want to bring back romance and love; true equal partnerships between men and women for all of us and our future generations. It will be very interesting for me when the book is published and my nudity is made public. I can only hope that most people will have the maturity to see the beauty and the art for what it is; I can only hope that I will not be judged as a bad mother and a tramp. I can only hope to spread hope; and a new kind of liberation for men and women. I can only hope to build upon the equality of the sexes through this work.

 

The funny thing is that Hugh Hefner and I have the same birthday; April 9th. Both of us working with sex; but I am different as I do not want or wish to use sexuality to build an empire on; I wish to set us free from the bondage of the extremes. I wish to show true sexual freedom; that is not to hurt the other sex or the self in sexual expression; I want to help build upon the sensual, erotic art form of making love, not just having sex.

 

The first photo shoot was outside at Bertram Park in Kelowna B.C; I wanted to get Okanagan Lake in the photos, I love where I live and being Canadian. I do want to travel and see where all the Goddesses originated from though.

 

It is a public park; it was secluded enough in March, that we could take the nude photos; but of course really cold, it was below 10 degrees when we took the shots. In the shots of me as Athena; you can see Kelowna’s floating bridge in the background; I just love it!

We worked fast; it was very cold, for 2 hours I was near naked most of the time, but we were so into our creative adventure I hardly noticed the cold, I just wanted the shots! The rocks on the beach were the worst though; they were so COLD and Sharp. Claire and Joan were amazed at my tenacity; when I set my mind to my work, it will happen.

 

Standing on the cliff as Athena was hard; I kept getting dizzy because I was looking up at the sky, it was giving me intense vertigo, and cars along the road could see me, they were slowing down to look, I kept having to cover my naked breast with my shield. It was kind of funny.

 

Lying on the ground as Mother Nature felt great; that spot on the ground was really quite warm and I love the smell of the earth warming up; that was my most relaxed shot; they were quite quick.

 

Artemis was my favorite; I loved the bow and arrow; I loved the costume and I loved who she was. With every Goddess I had to get into character; Claire helped me with Artemis she asked me to hunt and to stalk my prey, it really helped. I just love what she stands for; later after the shoot I had a dream of her, not of me as her but actually of her. In my dream she had light red hair and grey/green huge eyes. She had an infant strapped to one side of her back and her arrows on the other side; she was rapid firing her arrows at her pray. It meant that she would be successful as she left no room for failure. She made sure all of her arrows flew straight and true. This is the Goddess of the brave; the mother bear protecting her young. I just loved stepping into her character; I can only hope to emulate her through my life.

 

When we walked out of the park; we passed the park keeper, he was cutting and chipping trees that had fallen in a storm. He was close to my age; it’s funny he must of seen something cause he just kept looking at us like he couldn’t believe it! So funny!

 

The next photo shoots were Isis and the High Priestess; we did the Priestess first. These shoots were harder for me as the costumes and makeup were more elaborate; wearing wigs drives me nuts! But to make the Goddesses look different and authentic it had to be done. I don’t mind dressing up once in a while; but the more natural Goddesses were more my style.  It’s comical that when I was doing the dancing shots my wig flew clean off my head! Claire reached her limit when the Runes fell between my butt cheeks; she drew the line at fishing them out!  But The Priestess is one sexy Goddess; she was very cat like, very sleek and sexy.

 

I read the Runes later on after looking at the shot; this is what they meant:  the first is the Rune of PROTECTION – I give myself protection through the awareness of my emotions; by having self control over my emotions and living in the moment. This is how to handle change and transition.

PAIN – some pain is necessary as the darkness teaches us about the light and the power of the self. We are initiated through pain to spiritual awareness. Keep faith and good temper to move through the pain of darkness into the light.

BREAK AWAY – break away from constricting beliefs. Experience the world of the archetypal mind.

PARTNERSHIP – Partnership with the Divine and personal relationships; gift of freedom from which flow other gifts.

I took this interpatation from “The Book of Runes” from Ralph H. Blum.

It has come true so far; the pain has manifested as people in my neighborhood that judge me for my blog and my work; the breakaway has shown up as me moving away, so that I have privacy from the judgment of people like this, once the book comes out it will get even worse because of my nudity. If they judge me now, well, I am sure it will get much worse.

 

I have yet to experience the last Rune of Partnership; I hope it is with the Divine and a relationship with someone special, kind and loving. That is long overdue!

 

While I was trying to stay in the character of Isis; Claire was joking around about my tits; it was so funny because Claire has and English accent, it was the way she said it I kept bursting out in laughter. You can see me smiling a tiny bit in the shot of me with the wings up in the air. That was because of Claire! Another thing that was really neat was that Joan and Claire decided on their own to put the blue misty effect in the Isis photos; they down loaded them to me at home that way; the interesting thing is that Claire and Joan had no idea that in mythology Isis is a star in the heavens. Claire and Joan added the effect by just following their creative instincts. I think that deep down in each woman’s soul, she understands the magic of the Goddess.

Trying not to laugh when Claire was telling me ” Your tits look great ” in her English accent

 

Isis was so regal; I did love stepping into the character of Isis; she is a Queen, she so royal. I can’t quite describe her. Isis is more of a Queen and more royalty then any earthly Queen could be. Isis is the star. I can’t believe how I would dream of every Goddess; they came to me in dreams in their true glory, mystery and magic. My dreams cannot be described in words; but I truly felt led in a spiritual sense. I felt the deep purity of the Divine Feminine; it truly has been a gift.

The white Goddess was the hardest; I really felt like a real bride does on her wedding day; I wanted everything to be just perfect. Not only did the flowers come on time but the Owner of Kelowna Rose and Garden, came early! The flowers were beautiful and to thank Joan and Claire I sent them home with a dozen roses each as we had three dozen and the little wedding bouquet. I didn’t feel pretty that day; I just didn’t so I had to get my head around it and get into the character of The White Goddess. The shots of the side of my body with the jewels were very hard for Joan and I; she had to get up on a step ladder and take the shot without looking into the camera; so we had to take many shots with me on my knees. It was tough and it hurt! The candle shot was hard too; we couldn’t get the light right. I forgot the matches and Claire searched the building for someone who would have a lighter, thank goodness she found one. The candle shot was the most important to me as it shows The Compassionate Heart. In mythology and in many ancient writings the bride is ready for the groom when she lights her lamp or candle. It shows purity of the heart. It was a painful shot as the hot wax dripped on my fingers over and over again until we got it right; but the bleeding heart, is a feeling heart, so that symbolism was worth the pain.

 

So by this time, it was really starting to feel like work; as a mother of three it took a lot of juggling and planning to get the costuming and the babysitting just right. I couldn’t of done the costuming without Calowna Costumes in Kelowna B.C.; this store I made up 90% of the costumes. They were great; I had to bring my kids with me to pick out and shop for the costumes; they were wonderful when it came to putting up with my 5 year old son running around the store like 5 year old boys do. They gave the kids free goody bags full of cool stuff one day.

 

The photo shoots have brought me memories that I will treasure for a lifetime; it was an adventure!

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