Archive for July, 2015

POWER of the GODDESS

My heart was like an over ripe cherry, that has been rained on in July.. bursting open.. dripping sweet dark juice.. a love for him that I cannot deny..even though I try.  And so I drove into the woods to be with Mother Nature… to rest my heart in the hands of the Goddess.. to give her the love that he wouldn’t accept or acknowledge ..

As I walked upon her; I removed my shoes..to become one with her on the sacred ground..the sacred place I go to feel her the most.. and I said to her ” Great Mother.. I need you.. I need to know you intimately .. I need to lay my heart here so that you may heal it with your love.. my heart is an over flowing cup.. and it bleeds.. I make a mess of everything.. I shouldn’t of told him how I felt.. I shouldn’t of done the things I did in the pain of rejection.. in the pain of his words.. I shouldn’t of said the things I said.. were are you Mother?.. Goddess.. love and creation.. please take my heart and stop the bleeding.” and then I felt her.. I felt her so strongly.. I hadn’t felt her like that since I was a child..when I would wander for ages.. avoiding my abusive father..and she would hold me.. she would touch me with her winds and warm me with her sun..and sing me sweet bird song.. and she would remind me that I was her child..and that I was a Goddess.. and then as I felt her and I remembered .. these memories from so long ago.. I felt her speak to my heart and she said ” I am here under your feet.. I am the ground you walk on and I am the air that you breath.. I am the food that nurtures you.. I am in your mother and the mother of your children.. I am your mother’s mother..and her mother too..and my dear I am inside of you.”

I and I cried..and I was humbled..and I was held in her mercy.. in the mercy that no one has shown me .. and then she reminded me of my own sacredness.. she has no shame in her sexuality.. she has no shame in giving birth to new life..in openin up the doorways to death..and her womb to conception.. she makes love to all things.. to all things she loves.. she loves them with gentleness and with tough love..for she is fierce like me.. she sweet like me.. she gets angry like me..and she gets hurt just like me..and she gives to much to those who don’t deserve it .. just like me.. and she gets used just like me..and she gets abused just like me..but she isn’t a victim.. and I am not a victim of them.. I am a survivor.. just like her.. she storms and she rages..and then she forgives and she blooms.. she loves again even after all the abuses.. even after all hope seems lost.. yet she gives hope to the hopeless.. and shelter to the homeless.. for she is home..she is the heart of humanity..and she is me..and she told me ” Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are and what you survived.. don’t ever be ashamed of showing anyone your heart.. don’t be ashamed of asking for help, for love and for friendship..because you deserve all those things.”

And then I walked with her.. upon her..and she showed me beauty even in death.. she showed me how the deer carcass made the flowers grow… how the sweet stench of death.. is the metaphor for the sweetness of the sleep of death before rebirth..she showed me bone washed clean in the water and the sun..she showed me wild fruit..and and she called the hawk to me to show me how to soar above the pain of other’s words and judgments .. to see that it is their fear..it was his fear.. it was not mine to fear or to blame myself for what he couldn’t see in me.. that unlike the hawk that can see for miles and miles..he saw what his fear showed him..and it’s not my fault.. but my fear reacted to his fear..and so I must forgive myself.. I must forgive him for his own humanity..and she walked with me.. and she held my heart.. and she said to me ” Your heart is full of sweetness.. like the cherry it just wants to nurture someone with it’s abundance..and that is what an open heart exists to do.. someone will come along that sees all of the good and the bad in you..and they will love you anyway..just like you are able to do with others.”

I am a Goddess.. I am like her.. I want to be untamed..and wild.. I want to dance naked in the moon light..and swim naked in the dark.. My house is full of sacred things..bones, stones, feathers.. special things that keep me close to The Mother.. My name means Love, Flower and Farmer.. and it wasn’t given to me by accident..it was given to me by her energy..because it describes my soul.. I want to grow wild things..and I want to lay in wild flowers..and I want to love with abandon.. I don’t want to calculate love.. I don’t want to over think love.. I just want to be love.. to give love..and to be loved..

Like her my body is wonderland.. my body is abundant and decadent .. it is food..it is nurturing.. it is marked by birth and babies.. it is like fruit..sweet, tangy..and I love the scent of myself.. I smell wild.. I am crazy.. I am a gypsy .. I think with my soul.. I am intuition.. I feel so much.. I am so sensitive..my feelings and my body to the touch..

Like her.. my roots go deep..my sensuality is all of me..there isn’t any separation from my sexuality and my mentality..for I am present..as she is present.. in my heart, my soul, my mind, and my flesh..because the forbidden fruit is the one that feeds the soul..

And one day when my bones are made pure by the surf and the sun..I will be reborn through her sweet softness.. I will be in the womb..the womb within the womb..a sweet and sensual dance as ancient as the stars..

This stone represents the sacral chakra.. pleasure

And so my heart..it still runs with sweetness to overflowing .. like a July cherry burst open by tears that fall like summer rain.. but I wouldn’t want it any other way..tis the heart of a gypsy…crazy and untamed.

Putting the dream to bed

 

It actually depends on the distance of the star from earth..but you get the point. Sometimes you just have to face reality..and learn to let go. Sometimes holding onto something can cause un-needed pain.. vs letting go of toxic people and toxic situations. Since giving birth to my dream ( My book ) I have gotten nothing but shit and shame..and a ton of muther fucking head games from my community. I have given it a run for it’s money.. holy shit have I paid my dues through their ignorance, prejudice and abuse.. the last straw.. was the guy I thought I had fallen in love with.. until he showed me his true self with his last text message.. his arrogance.. his snottiness.. his ” I am better than you because I have a rich daddy and everyone in this community supports and loves me.. compared to you.. you manipulating, seducing bitch.” stuck up.. holier than thou .. I am fucking prick attitude.. selfish.. self absorbed .. etc.. etc.. attitude.. but he represents all of them.. I am generalizing..but ya that’s pretty much the attitude of all the snobs in Kelowna.. people a part of the arts and business community..those allowed in.. those that suck up.. suck dick.. women who will actually fuck the ugly rich dues for social acceptance and favors.. or the one’s like him born into money.. then there are the one’s like the last photographer I let take my images for my free the nipple post.. ya he didn’t even edit them..because he learned by me telling him about my struggles ( stupid fucking me..thinking I could confide in anyone..wtf was I thinking? ) well he learned I am unpopular.. so he sent me the images raw ( I edited them myself ).. because he didn’t give a fuck enough to do any good work for me.. like he does or did for all the snotty uppity bitches .. who he can gain some social climbing through.. so that was another ( fuck this shit ) blow.. then one of his photographer friends who is trying to do some social climbing as well starts posting bullshit about what to avoid in looking for Ms.Right while dating.. much of his writing describing a woman like me.. or how people in the networking groups have labeled me anyway.. but no .. no one is gossiping.. and like Matthew said..he never gossips..but his close friends are hitting like on the post from this guy.. I am just like ( Fuck this shit ) but this is the mental shit..this is the mental confusion .. this is the fucked up shit these people do.. nothing is said up front..it’s eluded to..it’s manipulation..and the funniest most ironic part is they label me as the manipulative one ..while they are manipulating .. fucking mental warfare.. I am like ( fuck this shit )

So after 3 years of being socially shut out .. I am fucking done. One thing they love to do when I meet them in person is rub my fucking nose in it.. Just like Matthew did when we had tea together.. reminding me by telling me that I need a platform for my book ..that I need a place to speak about it.. that I need a team..a community.. letting me know how much I don’t have..that he has..because he is popular and rich through family association.. ya well ( fuck this shit )

I have people that I don’t even know glare at me in the grocery store.. my little boys says to me while playing in the cart with the steering wheel ” Mommy why are those old people glaring at you..they are looking at you like they hate you mommy..do you know those people?” what I want to say to my little boy ” Those people are assholes son.. remember that look so you can spot them as you grow up.. I wish I knew that look sooner.. those people don’t have dreams and fucking lives of their own so they need to crush other people’s dreams because they are muther fuckers dear.”

I thought to myself ” I know that I am not promoted by Kelowna’s media because I don’t promote tourism by telling the truth of my story.. by telling it like it is.. by standing up for myself it’s impossible for the arts and professional community to accept me.. or welcome me in..” but then I remind myself.. they never intended to let me in..because of my nipples,in my book, in the photography.. because I write about women’s sexuality..because I am not rich..because I am not popular..and it’s a gigantic fucking High School here.. the adults are more socially immature ( retarded ) then their own kids!

So I gotta let this SHIT go..

I am not going to promote my book in Kelowna anymore..and I am not doing it online anymore at all. I will be writing on my blog here..about whatever the fuck I feel like writing about..but I am putting the dream to bed so I can be happy.. I can release myself from their toxic shit..from their discrimination and ignorance.. Matthew may feel that he has won.. he did..he won the biggest asshole award.. he can put it up in the local arts center for all his snotty and popular friends to see.. I don’t give a fuck.

I need to to concentrate on my kids..on the simple things that make us happy… because life is to short for this bullshit..and all their bullshit..as far as I am concerned they deserve each other.. maybe when I am dead my book might make an impact in the world..but I am not going to keep fighting a loosing battle with people who don’t fight fair…

I realize these jerks don’t deserve me or my book.. quite frankly I cannot stand these people and their selfish fake, plastic and childish society.. they really do deserve each other..

I deserve to be happy.. I deserve love and respect.. I will never get any of that from them..and I realize now what I did wrong.. I kept trying.. I cast my pearls upon swine.

Art 4 Love

Over the last several years I realize many of my paintings have been inspired by love; or the lack of it. I did some of my paintings in an attempt to stop my ex husband from leaving me.. trying to cast a magic spell of love and understanding. Of course it didn’t work..by the time we were done renovating or building our new bedroom that I created the art for; I ending up sleeping alone in it. I slept alone totally heartbroken and suicidal, hoping and praying with all my might that it was his truck I heard pull up in the driveway.. of course it never was… I was so cold sleeping alone for the first time in 14 years.. my heart was totally broken..

Then as I went on to date, after being celibate for the first year…to give myself time to heal.. I met many men who played with my heart and emotions.. I didn’t sleep with all of them..( but I did paintings in memory of them..) I just trusted them to be honest, open and caring..but all of them were incredibly selfish..so incredibly self absorbed.. while I was pining over them they were traveling .. hanging out with their friends..seeing other women..getting laid.. living it up in their selfish worlds.. while I was feeling too much.. caring too much.. thinking too much..blaming myself too much..

The guy that I recently fell for and that I am still getting over..same thing..same as it ever was.. they come into my life and pick me apart.. because they are so perfect and untouchable..more like so selfish.. and silly me.. silly dumb me.. I give them room in my heart..I make magic out of bullshit.. I make princes out of bullshitters..

Of course I am stupid. I cannot believe how stupid I am..as I am crying on my pillow..my heart ripped wide open and bleeding like a silly fool.. me painting pretty pictures of love that doesn’t exist ..but in my own head ( making love out of nothing at all ) he is out with his friends.. my heart on the tip of his sword as trophy… just like the rest of them..basking in the glory of my foolishness.. so I guess he was right I am a victim .. for who else would leave their heart open for a good solid kicking..but a silly little victim..

 

I am a silly stupid girl..to be vulnerable..and open to those who wish to steal what they don’t deserve and that is my heart and affections..

When will I ever learn?

Free The Nipple and Goddess Movement

To the point – Both of these movements are about sexual liberation and gender equality.

            

 

Free the Nipple is an equality movement focused upon the double standards regarding the censorship of female breasts started by activist and filmmaker Lina Esco.[1] The campaign is not a crusade that exclusively advocates for women to bare their chests at any and all given times; rather, it seeks to strip society of its tendencies toward the sexualization of the female upper body, addressing hypocrisies and inconsistencies in American culture and legal systems that enforce its taboos. Ultimately, the campaign resolves to decriminalize female toplessness in the US and empower women across western nations in a greater effort toward global gender equality.

 

Of course not every woman wants to go topless were men can go topless; like the beach.. but not every man wants to take off his shirt either.. and that’s called freedom of choice.

Many old school feminist bash the movement because they have been taken in by sexual shaming and so they unknowingly shame their own sex by believing if a woman is sexy or sexual she cannot be professional, moral, ethical or taken seriously; because she is using her sexuality to get male attention.. they believe feminist need to minimize their sexuality to take on the stereotype of what a feminist looks like.. to be taken seriously..but that is exactly why women’s equality has stalled out. The new feminine/feminist movement promotes that BEING SEXY IS NOT A CRIME. The double standards promote that the world’s morality rests on the control of the womb.. or women’s sex..the over sexualization of women and girls is brought on by repression and objectification..the fine balance of natural sexuality becoming unbalanced by the polar opposites.. natural sexuality is body positive.. not sexual shaming or making women into sex objects to be bought and sold by a male based society.. an example of the double standards are.. men who have many sex partners are studs.. women who do are sluts.. men are encouraged to loose their virginity while women are made to feel dirty, or to have fallen from grace when they become sexually active.

     

 

 

Chris was very professional and easy going; he made me quite comfortable. We wanted to tell a story with these images; a story of natural sexuality, innocence and sensuality. We took these images first thing in the morning of the Summer Solstice.. I felt very much like Mother Nature .. It was a spiritual and artistic experience. Chris and I are both passionate artists.. we really enjoyed every second of the shoot.. even when the parks keepers seemed to be worried about what we were doing; but like true artist we kept shooting anyway. The water was very cold, but there were few people to worry about.. we saw eagles, deer and hawks.. it was a beautiful country morning. The images were shot at Bertram Creek Regional Park Kelowna BC Canada.. of course I was in my legal rights to go topless..but most people in Kelowna are not ready for that..it’s a repressive, conservative community…but that is why we needed to do this.

I am the country girl that decides to challenge social taboos and go for a swim topless.. just like every man has a right to do. The images are meant to show natural sexuality..sensuality and playfulness.

I know I will get a lot of hate from my local community for doing this.. I always do. People are really afraid of change and evolution.. but religion is outgrowing it’s usefulness to society.. traditions are now prejudices that cause inequality..

I hope to enlighten my community..but .. ” The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off ” ~ Gloria Steinem

You can find my book at this link http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx

 

 

Celibate Sex

 

My sexy shopping spree was brought on by a bad dream I had last night.. I know this sounds funny but dreams are funny things..and the dreams that startle you awake rise directly from your subconscious. ( It’s a fact ) this dream did just that. In my dream I was with random no-name guy. Just some dumb, faceless guy in my life because I was sexually frustrated and lonely. I know a lot of women who make that mistake.. I hate that mistake and I have learned from that sorta mistake years back.. no-name, random guy is a waste of time and energy. In a spiritual sense giving your sexual energy away to someone who doesn’t vibrate at your level is spiritually damaging.. it leaves dark empty holes in your aura.. just like it leaves them in your heart..

With the moon being in Taurus and my Venus being in Taurus; even though I am an Aries. it was time to upgrade on my sex toys..and to treat myself to some sensuality..it was a sensual day ..because I was also reading tarot cards for women concerning questions about their sex lives and exploring their own sexuality..it was a day full of feminine sexuality. A nice break from all the male sexuality promoted all over social media.. feminine sexuality it so nurturing vs male sexuality that can be so aggressive.

The city I live in is very prudish… me writing about my own sexuality, spiritual sexuality or sacred sex..and women’s sexuality is taboo.. If I was ugly, unhappily married and had a PHD well that would be acceptable LOL..because I wouldn’t be sexually intimidating or threatening… silly I know..but this is a retirement community. I just found out today that Sears stopped carrying women’s thong panties because the seniors don’t like to see them in the store! Seriously! They don’t carry my favorite Jessica thong pantie anymore!

I knew the woman who was working at the Adult Store.. we got into a conversation about how and when Kelowna became so repressed, uptight and prudish. It was in the mid 1980s when they got rid of the Regatta, the Flinstone’s theme park and the roller rink.. they started to build condos for the seniors, or the rich that retired early.. everything became about wineries and golf.. The male employee called it ” The end of fun ” OMG he was so right.. Kelowna is so uptight. With attempting to network my book in a prejudiced networking community,  that acts like being prudish and sexually repressed is professional.. I have found the repression put on me to be stifling!  I have had to work very hard on my own internal dialog not to take on the sexual shaming that they put onto me by saying things like ” She is unprofessional and inappropriate ” because I write about sex..and I am topless in my book.. I have had to work really hard at maintaining my sexual energy through their projections..

The sexual energy is called SHAKTI ..it is the primal force that created and creates the UNIVERSE..basically it can be described as the essence of the GODDESS..so if a woman wants to keep this energy flowing..her creative juices..her life force.. her connection to the universe or her own Divinity..while she is without a partner she must self pleasure..often.. scientifically; through the lens of biology it keeps her healthy .. healthy mentally as well..as orgasms fight depression by flooding the body and brain with feel good hormones.

I also think that a woman who keeps her sexual spark alive while waiting for the right partner.. keeps bitterness at bay. A Goddess isn’t bitter or dried up.. she keeps her body and spirit connected through pleasure. My pleasure today was though chocolate, new toys, and shopping for new panties.. the erotic movie that I bought is erotica made for women by a woman.. it was pretty good..comparing it to porn made for male viewers.. the sex scenes were empowering vs degrading to women.. Goddess sexuality is empowering ..the Shakti energy is EMPOWERING…

Shakti (Sanskrit pronunciation: [ˈʃʌktɪ]) (Devanagariशक्ति; from Sanskrit shak, “to be able”), meaning “Power” or “empowerment,” is the primordial cosmic energy and represents the dynamic forces that are thought to move through the entire universe in Hinduism.[1] Shakti is the concept, or personification, of divine feminine creative power, sometimes referred to as ‘The Great Divine Mother’ in Hinduism. On the earthly plane, Shakti most actively manifests through female embodiment and creativity/fertility, though it is also present in males in its potential, unmanifest form.[2]

Not only is Shakti responsible for creation, it is also the agent of all change. Shakti is cosmic existence as well as liberation, its most significant form being the KundaliniShakti,[3] a mysterious psychospiritual force.[4] Shakti exists in a state of svātantrya, dependence on no one, being interdependent with the entire universe.

Kelowna’s networking

If you want to fly you have to give up the shit that weighs you down

 

In the Tibetan Book of the Dead.. the spirit goes through a series of test before it can be rebirthed.. the major tests are fear and temptation. I realize now through my latest experience with a person from Kelowna’s upper society..or networking groups ( clicks ) that this has been my test..it has been a diversion or temptation; fear keeping me from placing all of my energy towards my book.. towards my passions for women’s equality… their bullshit, their fake world hasn’t really held me back at all.. but I have let them by allowing their illusions of success and popularity..become my mental conflict. I have let their rejection of me rule my emotions and thoughts.. I have allowed the temptation of their circus to pull me in to their dramas.. their politics.. their sugar coated lies.

I  realize now that I don’t want anything to do with these people. I cannot talk out of both sides of my face.. I am not a bullshitting, ass kisser. I am too honest and too open to network with any of them..because to them networking means manipulating each other. So now I see why they don’t want me to show up to their events because I am the one without the mask on..and I will be the contrast that will cause them to have to give up the disguises. And I cannot be bothered. I really have gotten to the point were I don’t give a shit. I realize now I didn’t write my book for Kelowna..now that I have gotten to really know these people..to see their patterns of social behaviors of dripping in bullshit. I know my book and message are to real for them. I am too real for them..and they don’t deserve my presence at their events.. yup they are right I am too damn real to listen in the back to sugary shit and not say it’s sugary shit. I am going to point out the elephant in the room.. I am going to be me.. I am not what they want an will not pretend to be what other’s want;  like they do.

They will get as far as the Okanagan Valley.. or area.. that’s it..because their idea of networking and business ( bullshitting ) doesn’t speak to the entire world..my message does. I realize now what a waste of time they all have been. I realize now that I shouldn’t feel sad at all.. even when the art’s community rejected me..because it’s just the business community ..it’s just conservative bullshit..I don’t want anything to do with their gray cardboard art..fuck, I don’t want to compare my work to that shit.

I don’t want the flaky spirituality.. I think their ideals of being positive only are just more sugar coated shit. These people don’t want real, vulnerable or authentic..they just like the way those words sound.. they don’t walk their talk.. I do and that is why I am such a threat to them.. well good. I will not grace you with my presence or my pretty face and heart because you don’t deserve it..and I don’t deserve your backstabbing and gossiping, two faced crap.

What I need to do is let you be in your swill.. in your fancy swill.. it’s really just swill after all..as they say ” Don’t cast your pearls upon swine ” But thanks for the lesson..thanks for giving me the fuel to be reborn and transformed.. for making it perfectly clear to me that I don’t want to be anything like you people..

I am going to concentrate my energy on my life’s purpose now.. I will leave you to grovel among each other for bullshit social status in a small town that the rest of the world doesn’t really give a damn about..because ” Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.”

The Other Woman

 

She came to pick up my kids today.. as my ex was ” busy ” As she was buckling them up in the parking lot I was looking at them through the kitchen widow.. and getting my cold chicken out of the fridge.. I was thrust back in time..to 6 years ago.. when she came to our old farm house as an employee to drop off the landscape equipment at the end of the day.. he had just left me and the kids.. he had come to pick up the kids… I was alone crying..eating cold chicken when she drove into the drive way. Guess the chicken triggered the memory. I am sure she could hear my crying as she unloaded the equipment into the shed. We were in the country.. it was secluded and quiet .. I know she heard me crying..and she knew it was because of her and him..all though they were both lying to me about their affair.

When she came to work for us her marriage to an older man..who was an ignorant, in dept..wanna be rich bastard was ending. She was left in dept..she was in a desperate place working for us and a couple of other jobs.. The affair started when I lost a baby at 5 months into a pregnancy. He became emotionally withdraw and selfish.. I was too much work and she offered him solace I am sure. She had opportunity and motive. She was with another man; but he didn’t have any money.. but he had a handicapped child and he was fat. My husband was much better looking, fit and he was good with money. She knew of our struggles..and to her it was an easy in. I was very out of shape.. having had my 2 daughters that were still just toddlers..having lost a few babies.. I was in the ” in between phase ” She didn’t have pretty face, she was of average intelligence but she was very fit. I knew something was up when she wouldn’t wear a bra to work..and my ex said nothing to her.. even though he would of to other employees..he started to come home later.. he couldn’t account for large spaces of time..and he would talk about her to me.. I knew something was wrong. When I was expecting our son.. when it was confirmed that the pregnancy was viable.. he must of had some remorse or guilt..because she quit.. she started to work at the local grocery store. I ran into her once..as she was my cashier; I was very pregnant with my son..my daughters were with me.. they were both very little at the time..I asked her ” Why did you stop working for us?” Her face twisted into a snarl as she said ” Your husband is such womanizer, I just cannot stand how he treats women!” I actually stood up for my then husband at the time..but I realize years later her venom was because she couldn’t manipulate him into leaving me..so she was pouting ..her plan failed for the time being..of replacing me in the food chain. She was so selfish and self absorbed it didn’t matter to her that she would crush his children as well as me.

When our son was a month old.. we were out at the soccer field ..watching our little girls play when suddenly she just happened to show up? She walked over to us..and held our son all the while looking my husband in the eye with a pleading look..it was really quite sickening; that they both didn’t think that I could see what was going on.. all the while holding our little one month old miracle child between the two cheating lovers locked eyes. I was devastated..but when we got the kids into bed later that night.. when my then husband and I were alone.. he called me paranoid.. he denied it with a vengeance. Our son was born in April..she came back to work for us suddenly that spring.. with no bra..short shorts..and full makeup.

I saw them often through the widows of our farm house..as they unloaded or loaded equipment.. I saw their body language and flirting.. but of course he continued to deny it.. he came home hrs late one evening smelling like sex.. really .. he smelled so bad..because it was July and he drove home in the heat with her sex all over him.. even our little girls told him that he smelled yucky.. he said ” I was working in the ponds ” more like he was sleeping with a swamp monster. He changed his clothes..and woofed down his dinner still smelling.. he looked guilty as hell, but smug.

I know by Christmas they were planning .. they were making his great escape from the old ball and chain.. he paced around the house like an untamed jungle cat in a cage. You could tell he didn’t what to be with us.. he wanted his freedom..his hot piece of ass.. he stopped sleeping with me.. he would move downstairs to the couch.. he would pick fights by calling me names and accusing me of laziness.. I was called a bitch often for my anger at him and his undercover affair.. that was obvious..so obvious.

Money started to go missing..  the business files from the home computer were downloaded onto a laptop.. he stopped including me in the running of the business..but I was grieving the loss of my sister..who had just died from a brain tumor.. I was sick with undiagnosed celiac disease.. when some of the money showed up as an over payment to his old high school friends..and they informed me that they were going to take him on a trip to Mexico with it.. for his 40th birthday..a late gift.. ( A plan of escape ) but I was told I was paranoid..

He had been texting secretly outside on his phone all day in the cold of the winter.. because he was texting her.. I could see him smile and light up from time to time as a text came in.. She showed up at the house bringing Christmas gifts..one for me and the kids and one just for him.. of course he was across the property in the shop ( because they were texting the plan to each other ) when she came to the door to give me our ” Gifts” She was dressed in skin tight yoga pants.. stiletto high boots.. red lipstick and hoop earrings ( but nothing was going on right?) she asked me were my husband was { like she didn’t know } I told her he was in the shop.. I said ” You look amazing.. you are really fit ” She said ” I am in the best shape of my life!” and then off she walked to the shop.. a walk of victory to go and claim her man..right in front of his wife ..with our children around my ankles..

I know you are wondering ( Why didn’t you stop her..why didn’t you confront her?) There were many reasons. 1, I couldn’t make him stay 2, I couldn’t loose it front of the kids 3, my pride and dignity wouldn’t allow it.. I just couldn’t fall that low.. I just couldn’t let her or him do that to me..I just couldn’t.. So instead I stayed in the house with my children. With my toddlers and my baby boy.. I stayed strong and let fate just be fate.. but I was dying inside.. I died that year. The old me died.

Now in this present moment six years later.. yes she has all the money..she has the man.. she has financial stability ..she has a man that will walk away from his wife and kids when the going gets tough..she doesn’t have a man at all she has a coward. She has what she deserves..

Yes I struggle as a single mom..and yes this showed me how vengeful and manipulative other women can be..

But I am free of a man that didn’t ever really love me.. I don’t think he ever saw me.. I wonder if he even really sees how wonderful and beautiful our children are..as he is always looking over the other side of the fence to see the grass is greener..he will never be content… his heart is closed..so she got what she deserves..he got a cold hearted manipulative woman.. he got what he deserves. She is ugly on the inside.

But now I am in the best shape of my life..and I have a pretty face and a pretty heart..

I am ready to find a true and lasting love..

I got what I deserve..and so much better is on the way still..

Realistic Weight Loss and Fitness

me 9 months pregnant with my son.. I was toxic and very bloated. But after loosing 4 pregnancies I was victorious when he was born..a true miracle.. one of my greatest challenges..

 

In point form

1. It’s a mental game. It’s all mental. You have to decide to do it and then take the actions to do it.

2. Educate yourself on health and nutrition.

3. KISS keep it simple stupid. You don’t need to purchase expensive supplements or equipment.

4. Create realistic goals. Rome wasn’t built in day.

5. Love and accept yourself first so that you can love and accept yourself more.

6. Weight loss and fitness are a journey, so enjoy the journey and transformation process.

7. The most important.. do it for you; do it for yourself first and foremost. This will give you the power to follow through.

8. Create more fitness goals once you have reached a peak..keep spreading your wings.

Everyone is looking for a quick fix and instant gratification.. sorta like going to the fridge and getting your favorite treat.. real lasting weight loss takes time. Starvation diets don’t work because you can only starve yourself for so long. Not feeding your body slows down your metabolic rate..or the amount of calories you burn while resting. Your body is furnace; to keep it burning at a higher rate you need to eat 6 small high protein meals a day. You need to sweat to burn calories.. you need to sweat to cleanse your body. Scientifically speaking NOTHING works better at cleansing the body than a clean organic diet.. with lots of filtered water.. and a good solid half hour sweat at least 5x a week ( then you can work your way up ). Nothing else is needed to cleanse your body..to help your body burn calories and fight ageing. Nothing on the market can do for you what Mother Nature can do for you..or the natural nature of your own human biology. We were not meant to sit on our asses in front of screens all day and eat processed foods. It is just that simple.. stop eating garbage if you don’t want to feel like garbage..increase your energy by expending energy.. this creates more energy over all..

THE MENTAL GAME  - it’s about pinpointing and breaking bad habits. Like eating ice cream in the middle of the night; the mental game is about holding yourself accountable. The mental game is about taking responsibility for your choices. To get yourself prepared to do the actions of loosing weight and getting fit.. you have to change your mind set. For example; while I was pregnant and unable to work out due to my high risk pregnancy I would watch a show called X Weighted on Slice Networks. A Canadian show about trainers and nutritionists going into peoples homes to show them how to clean out their kitchens and minds of garbage. I was preparing to hit the ground running when my son was born..but I knew it was going to take years to reach my fitness goals of being ultra fit.. because it had taken 7 years of being pregnant 7x ( I lost 4 of the pregnancies due to complications and miscarriage ) but I knew from being super fit in my 20s it would take even longer to get it back in my 40s..so my goals were reasonable.

The most important thing about weight loss and fitness is that you keep eating.. you cut your portion sizes in half or into thirds if you were really over doing it..and you make 3 large meals into 6 small meals..or even 8 small meals. You don’t eat before bed.. you do not go to bed with a full tummy..this slows down your metabolism ..and causes your body to store those calories as fat over night.

The mental game comes into play when you fall off the wagon.. you don’t give yourself permission or EXCUSES to stay off the wagon..get back on that fucking wagon.. I don’t care if you binged for 3 days..get back on that wagon. The mental game; there are no perfect conditions, you will get colds, headaches, your kids will drive you nuts.. your husband.. wife.. boyfriend or girlfriend will piss you off.. but that just means you use it as fuel..as a challenge to continue..you remember why your doing it..because of point #5 and point #7

Start slowly if you are really out of shape.. start with walking, swimming, yoga..soft movements that help you shed the weight so that you can increase your level of fitness when you become more comfortable by removing the bulk. If you over do it and hurt yourself, you will not enjoy it.. you will quit. Allow yourself one cheat meal a week.. so that you don’t feel deprived..but remember you are a food addict.. so you must be honest .. keep a food diary to keep you honest with yourself. I know many people who say ” I don’t know why I don’t loose weight .. I eat so healthy..it’s just genetics?” but they have frozen cream puffs in their freezer..hidden away from friends and family… or sometimes they say that to me while eating a bag of processed potato chips.. be honest with yourself..take responsibility.. keep it real with you..to prove you love your spouse or family/friends .. you are honest.. love yourself and be honest.

As you begin to loose weight and you become more comfortable with your body in action you can increase your training.. you can become fit rather than just thin.. it’s about health..not the thigh gap.. you can go to #8.. get training.. push yourself over new peaks to greater levels.. you can feel like and look like a super hero.. you can become more youthful..

The #1 excuse that people use ” I don’t have time ” but they have time to watch TV every night and be on Facebook constantly..so yes you do have time.. you can organize your time to make the time. I am a single mother of three. I get up hrs before my kids to have my coffee and breakfast..pack my gym bag and go and do it. I don’t watch TV.. I took the Facebook app off my phone. I don’t bring my phone into the gym or to the track or trail..but I check my phone in the change room now and then to make sure my kids are fine. I have the energy to keep up with my kids, the house work, my part time job and my own big dream as a published author; of beginning a movement towards freeing women of sexual repression..because I give myself ..self love and care. I make the time for me. When my kids were smaller I put them in the gym daycare…bright and early.. brought their breakfast and sippy cups.. and took full advantage of my 2 hrs. You can do this if you WANT IT.. you can reprogram your mind to tell your body to do what it wants it to do.. you have the spirit to tap into if you choose it.. you can be healthy, fit and athletic if you really want it..

You have to organize your mind to organize your time..and to organize your life..

Sometimes you have to loose old friends to loose old habits.. because they will pull you back into those habits..but you will make new friends by joining a gym or fitness organization..

But remember.. the longest journey starts one step at a time.. a clean body starts one bite at a time..

For your body to be the temple it is meant to be.. treat it that way. Don’t wait for tomorrow start TODAY!

7 years later.. sweat; grunting, early mornings.. running. Don’t skip the cardio .. lifting things up and slamming them down.

7 years later.. no short cuts, no fancy diet.. just organic food, water, whey powder, going to bed early and working my ass off at the trail, track and gym

I wanted him not Isagenix

 

It’s like a English comedy.. it’s so sad it’s funny. He put up posts on his Facebook about health and fitness.. I didn’t agree with some of the things he posted so I asked him if he would like to meet in person to talk about health and fitness.. little did I know he was sizing me up to become a part of his team..to help him build up his team so he could make money selling a starvation weight loss product. It is much like Herbal life was in the 80s. My dad used to sell that shit. He had his head in the clouds; daydreaming constantly about the millions of dollars he was going to make. My dad yo yo dieted for years on that product.. he spent many hours of his life and energy working his ass off for nothing. Most of the money he made he spent on product. But he would have windfalls now and then..but that was just fuel to keep him going. It was such a waste of time.

But anyway.. I had no idea that was on his mind; I thought when he was critically checking out my body for any imperfections he was judging me because of my book or something? Because I had no idea? He was looking me over to see if I had fat to cut LOL.. it’s hilarious..but so sad. For one thing I am in the best shape of my life.. my body isn’t perfect.. I have had three kids.. I have a c-section scar.. I am not a bodybuilder so I don’t strip all the fat off my body, but I have great muscle tone. I am super fit! But the sad part is.. somewhere in between locking eyes with him and in between our conversation I felt myself very attracted to his soul and personality….he doesn’t look like a guy that goes to the gym.. but that didn’t matter to me.. but the sad thing is..and the funny thing; almost Mr. Bean type comedy .. is that he didn’t see a sexy, healthy woman, who could be a potential mate in front of him.. all he was thinking about was making money!.. It’s just so fucked up! I am not angry when I write this.. I am not mad.. just shocked at what I learned when I went back to his Facebook to find the Isagenix link.. I mean seriously!? I have the worst luck in dating! And it wasn’t a date.. it was a sales pitch! A SALES PITCH! OMG!!

And so I saw the Isagenix link on his Facebook..but I didn’t really research it much until tonight.. just to see if I really missed out on anything big or special..because I met with him again.. not fully realizing that it was all just a sales pitch.. ( I AM SO STUPID ) and I gave him 2 hrs of my time.. and I cut my workout at the gym short to meet up with him on his schedule.. to pour my heart out..open my heart and tell him my sorry about how bullied I have been in my local city promoting my book about women’s sexuality.. I told him in detail ( while trying not to cry ) how I was sexually harassed with my son present by a local business man.. me not knowing that he was just trying to create an emotional connection with me to sell his product to me.. ( I AM SO GULLIBLE )

Then after the meeting I told him by text message that I was attracted to him and that I had romantic feelings for him.. he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship ( no he wasn’t .. he was looking to sell me shit ) So who is the biggest blundering idiot? Him or me? Probably a million guys would think he was an idiot for passing up having a chance with me.. but I bet a million men and women are thinking “Gracie you are so naive!” but I did feel something was up…

But back tracking again.. in our last meeting I read his tarot cards for him ( for free.. I do make a living doing this..so he got my 2 hrs.. cut into my gym time and got a free reading that cost $100 ) but anyway the cards said he had met someone..when I told him he blushed  { so I thought it was me..and that was stupid because a reader cannot read themselves into a reading ..but I thought just maybe it was ) so that’s why I told him I liked him ..but anyway I went back and read my cards afterwards and the reading came up with deception… I confronted him..asking him if he was believing gossip about me from our local community.. he told me I was paranoid and had a victim mind set… { REALLY NOW } I was just wrong.. or maybe half wrong.. cause they probably are gossiping to him..but he was the deceiver; it was him not being upfront and honest with his intentions to begin with..and because of that he triggered my paranoid response..but seriously after all the shit I have been through that I openly and honestly told him about..It’s not paranoid it’s street smarts.. I was right to  be careful..

But the sad part is.. I really miss taking to him. I really liked him..in an honest and open way..I liked him when he was just being himself and not a cheesy sales man..

Not only would I never sell that product; because I don’t believe that starvation diets work. I don’t think they are healthy. I don’t believe in multilevel marketing businesses..only %5 are successful because they were the first %5 to found the top level ( duh ) but even if I wanted to sell the product ( I don’t ) I have the shittiest network in Kelowna.. they have back-balled me for my book..they are totally prejudiced against me..and he knew it! How selfish of him..or just being a blundering idiot..what was he thinking? Was he really that greedy and selfish to use a single mom for just a wrung in his ladder of success.. to play with a woman who is so emotionally raw and vulnerable..so he could manifest his abundance..his convertible?

It’s funny and it’s sad.. just like a comedy of errors..

Guy meets hot bikini clad woman on the beach but can’t see her past his daydream..

But at least my head is out of the clouds now.

Raising The Vibration

 

There are many false positives.. there is a false light. It can be compared to a fluorescent light.. it gives light and energy but it isn’t a natural or nurturing light..so it causes souls to grow in the darkness of ego projection; compared to the true light, the truth.. like sunlight it humbly touches everything under the sun. The real light doesn’t choose favorites; it doesn’t exclude any living thing from it’s warmth and nurturing. It gives life to all things.. the amount of growth is determined by how much one wants to reach for the light.. just like all living things.. if one pushes it’s self towards the light..it becomes aware of the SOURCE of the light.. becomes ONE with the light.. growth can be explosive!

But those under a false light… their growth is retarded..as the false light doesn’t nurture.. the false light inhibits.. it brings out inhibiting factors on the life it touches..as it’s lack of nurturing feeds what is sick within that life; it brings about disease .. metaphorically speaking the false light feeds the ego.. causing more ego projections and sicknesses to grow.. but the truth or the real light burns away all sicknesses within the soul.. the ego projections are purified with the natural light.

If you are one of those who carry within them the true light.. vs the self labeled Gurus that carry the false light..you are probably much like me.. you have been rejected. We are rejected by main society because they fear the burning away of the ego that the truth or real light; the natural light carries.. they fear true change. Were I live there are organizations that call themselves CHANGE.. there is a self labeled Guru that calls herself The Spirit of Kelowna.. yet they choose who will be fed or accepted by their false light or ego projections.. as I said the real light includes every living thing under the sun.. a false light excludes..it chooses only those who are willing to be blinded to the real light.. it includes through feeding the included by excluding some and including others.. you will know the false light by those who profess Guru status and who profess to be enlightened more that others.. they put themselves above others.. THE SOURCE knows in it’s infinite wisdom ..that all is one and equal to the same. The world is full of the synthetic light or energy.. you will know the real light because it shines through in the darkest places..it rises through the dark night of the soul.. it offers it’s self with humility to all.. the real light serves and includes.. it is equal to all. You don’t need to prove yourself to the true light as it is unconditional love.

The real light goes to what is natural.. as it is of nature and it is natural.. natural sexuality..natural expression.. it lives in reality, as it is of the Earth..the heart chakra.. the root chakra.. and of the intuition and spirit..the real light has deep roots ( it doesn’t deny the body or the flesh; it is the sacred alchemy of flesh and spirit ) those of the false light deny the flesh..as religious dogma has denied the flesh as evil..sexuality ( nature ) as evil.. the true light sees sex as sacred.. the alchemy bridge from flesh to spirit.

If you understand this.. if you understand the spiritual snobbery vs true spiritual service.. you are a light bringer.. you  and I carry the light of SOURCE for humility and service.. this isn’t about money or social status for us.. this is about raising the vibration of love ..through the truth the way and the light.. we are simply being the energy.. we are here to cause the combustion of the heart chakra..to burst open.. to flood the light of source across this reality or earthly stage.. we are the game changers.. we are the change..

Keep shining… we have been put into the darkest places.. as a contrasting force against the ignorance of they synthetic ego.. to burn away all the lies..to make way for the truth.

The false light tries to taint the real light as it is in a constant competition with the real light.. keep your light pure by forgiving them.. forgetting them and moving forward.. just keep growing and expanding out the light..go towards the light to be cleansed and re-energized .. stay empowered and positive.. purge.

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