Archive for May, 2015

The Goddess in the Little Girl

When I was a little girl I knew I was a Goddess; I knew it wasn’t evil to feel that way.

I just knew; and I don’t know how to explain it.

I felt that nature was magic; I just knew that all the ancient symbols of magic came from nature. I just knew that the Earth was a feminine force. As adults we like to label and place everything in neat tidy spaces within our minds..but as a child you walk with magic.. as a child the veil is thin..because you still have one foot in the infinite. As a child you haven’t yet been fully tainted and poisoned from dogma and by other’s beliefs ( fears ) the innocence is so sweet.

My earliest memories were of not belonging to my birth family; I was called a wise old soul by many. I was thoughtful and quiet.. often adults forgot I was in the room. But I was also high energy.. I had to move and go places.. I was always wandering off.. off with my horse..with the dog.. off to find wandering brooks.. rolling meadows..big sky..with big thunderheads .. and in the night I could be found looking up at the stars feeling homesick. I thought I was from the stars; I was sure of it.. that I was a star that had fallen in the wrong place.. at the wrong time.. to people who didn’t see the magic.. let alone stars.. if I would shine too brightly I would scare them.. if I spoke too deeply I would offend them.. when I asked meaningful questions that other’s wouldn’t dare even think to ponder.. I  would bother them.. so off I would wander.. sometimes I would find other children like me.. not often.. but when I did we would wander off together to be Gods and Goddesses..we would disappear into our magical land.. and our powers would save the world.. we were safe with each other in the place of Amazons and Knights.

There is nothing new under the sun.. all the magic was always with us..and always will be.. but when we grow up it usually starts to fade.

Many artist manage to not grow up all the way; actors still play make-believe. Artist still see the magic; we manage not to trip into the traps of dogma.

But it’s difficult.. so many fully grown up gown-ups want us to give up..and they label our art as demonic or selfish.. evil and profane.. we are called lazy and crazy.

And I am crazy because I still see myself as a Goddess.. born on a star from a distant galaxy .. I think I was a blue star.. like Sirius..

And when I walk through the wild roses.. when I hike to the beach in my bikini.. my bare feet dirty and dusty.. feeling the Earth Mother become one with me..

I am an Amazon Goddess..and the wild roses grow like magic before me.. just for me

 

For more about the Goddess follow this link to my book

http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx

The Whore of Babylon is illuminati manipulation

The Whore is myth projected by the illuminati to control women’s sexuality by condemning it as evil. The illuminati created or impregnated all world wide religions with sexual shame to control masses of people with shame and fear. Hell is also a made up myth. It doesn’t exist; but they need a place of torture and condemnation to use as leverage to manipulate the general population. The great slut or slut shaming was created by men who are the ones afraid of women’s empowerment. Because of the lens of greed and lust that they look through; they fear that with out legislation put on the womb.. that their power would be taken from them. This horribly unjust and unbalanced system of shame was created in Roman times.. it was put into action by dogma.. or by tainting holy scriptures .. all three of the world’s most popular religions have been poisoned by the patriarchy to create a battle like strategy of diversion..much like Roman Emperors did to unite their empires; and so we are still living in The Bronze Age..because the Golden Thread that held together The Golden Age was tampered with by savage people.

These ancient families capitalized on the ancient language of symbols.. making what was once sacred into what is now profane.. such as sacred sexuality turned into pornography ..and the other end of that spectrum being prudish slut shaming. By making sex a sin the can make sex an industry and a prison for women.. a freedom for men..thus we have the war of the sexes.. women who like sex are sluts and men who like sex are studs..and men control women through the entitlement of them through slut shaming and by owning women’s bodies through womb legislation and Government documented marriages.. women are traditionally passed from Father ( as in the ceremony ) to husband.. the passing of ownership.. these traditions are illuminati based dogma.. as is The Whore of Babylon that lives subjectively within the human subconsciousness through ancient perversions of the Goddess symbols or archetypes.

Quite frankly the church was put into place to divert humanity away from the previous Golden Age.. to cause some to fall so others could rise above them to rule of over them.. this is the ancient magic or key to your own salvation..it is the mingling of spirit and science..

“Firstly, let thine attention be directed to this planet, how the Aeon of Horus is made manifest by the Universal War. His Aeon would be marked by the collapse of humanitarianism. This also is compassion: an end to the sickness of earth. A rooting-out of the weeds: a watering of the flowers.” Aleister Crowley

“In plain language, the Aeon of Horus means that the Godhead is being passed down to the individual who needs to learn to activate and find the God-Within themselves. This latest Aeon sees the beginning of the end of Divine Power and authority being owned by kings, queens, religions, governments, big institutions and dictatorships, which will increasingly all begin to fail spectacularly. The individual will have the opportunity to become fully liberated, in charge of their own spiritual destiny.” Paul Dunne

 

The end goal of the illuminate is to keep you asleep by fear and dogma ( lies and manipulations by stealing and twisting the ancient wisdom and symbols .. using them to become more powerful through your ignorance ) so that they have total control of the world’s land and resources..the Matrix is real.. we are being fed back to ourselves. For the illuminati is both satanism and religion; they use both ends of the same spectrum as a play of strategic tactics to keep us off balance..by FEAR and IGNORANCE.. the only Satan and God that exists lives in each and every single one of us.. once we realize this we can come to tame the ego..by not feeding it.. just like the ancient native saying ” There are two wolves in each of us..one does evil and one does good.. it is up to you which one you want to feed ”

The Madonna/Whore complex brought to use by the illuminati rips women in two..it weakens us.. it dis-empowers us.. the Goddess wisdom empowers women.. by showing them the way to their empowerment is by shaking off the chains of shame tied to their wombs.. their sexuality.. that women are not one or the other.. they are whole and by becoming whole they become empowered..and by this understanding for both men and women.. that the divine spark is found within..that the temple is the body.. that the womb is holy but not dirty and profane.. that both men and women are sacred..that sex is the bridge towards inner Nirvana or Heaven.. we then cycle back towards the next Golden age of pure enlightenment..

When we become illuminated by taking back the ancient symbols and wisdom’s from the greedy thieves of our Freedom ..we stop them.

But you must unplug.. because they use their subliminal messages in all media.. or like me.. you must study the true origins of the symbols to see through the twisted illuminati manipulations..

The end days that the bible and many other illuminati scriptures predict..are actually the end of The Bronze Age.. it’s not the end of us it’s the end of them.. they know that if women rise.. they fall.


“The cosmic ages have been applied to the era of human existence, and also to the life of a race or an empire. In Hindu tradition, the Manvantara, also called Mahâ-Yuga (or the Great Cycle), comprises 4 yuga or secondary periods, which were said to be the same as the 4 ages in Greco- Roman antiquity. In classical times, the ages are associated with the symbolism of metals, giving the ‘golden age’, ‘silver age’, ‘bronze age’ and ‘iron age’. The same symbolic pattern—which in itself is an interpretation— is found in the famous dream of Nebuchadnezzar.” J.E. Cirlot

Paste this link to your browser to watch how silly the idea of The Whore of Babylon is..and how the Patriarchy created her..because they fear the true rise of women’s equality will ruin them.. how the men react in this video …is a mirror as to how they fear women’s true empowerment through their sexuality

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ97wzMOOS0

You can find my book at this link

 http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx 

On being a FAN

You can tell its a rainy stormy day because this is my second post today…

I am not a groupie fan.. even though I am a fan of some other artist and media personalities work. But I am too much of a free thinker and an artist myself, to follow someone with my head up my ass like many groupie type fans do. I don’t respect the groupie type fan because for the most part they are stupid; they live vicariously through their star of choice rather than just seeing them as a real and fallible person like the rest of us. It’s a big mistake; because the higher up you put someone and the higher up they allow themselves to be worshiped .. the harder the fall..for them and their fans.

I really have very little respect for celebs that turn their fans on to people who question their motives; I find it immature; irresponsible and cowardly.

I have come up against some celebs by questioning their motives or intentions.. to have them turn their fans onto me.. I guess it’s a lot easier than actually having to question themselves. I think the greatest fault is actually believing that your invincible or above humanity.. the universe always has away of giving a person like that sudden smack in the face.

I think the fans that question you hold the most valuable lessons for you..and that is why, when my followers question me.. I let them. It’s a very hard thing to do; because you have to weight the truth of the statement from other’s issues that they may or may not be projecting onto you… but listening and humility is the key to personal growth.

I don’t want to come off as a conceited jerk; or a shallow selfish person.. and so if anyone says to me that I am giving off that vibe I want to hear from them as to how and why. Many people have said to me ” Why don’t you block that jerk.” and I say ” Because it’s fascinating how people perceive me.. I could have something to learn here..but if they get down right abusive I will block them”

I never allow anyone to call down other people on my Facebook or on my other online profiles; I let them speak their truth and stand up for what they believe in.. but I don’t allow gay bashing, sexism or physical threats or if possible character bashing..because I am responsible for my profiles.

Of course I am not famous.. not by a long shot.. but if I was I wouldn’t have anything to hide..and I wouldn’t allow or use my fans to hide behind..

I think if your a celeb people have a right to question your motives; if you say you stand for something you damn well better stand for it.. or get off your high horse and off the red carpet.

Like Madonna says to her haters ” Bitch please your a fan.” and they are.. I feel that my haters..or what some people might call trolls; have taught me some very valuable lessons..

I think that questioning yourself; your integrity, your path, your message, your talents..and if your putting anything new or relevant out into the world is the key to true artistry ..

I am sure that’s just too fucking humble for some celebs.. but that is exactly what is going to keep them from breaking boundaries..from writing lyrics ..singing new songs or doing anything that will change society for the better.. if you keep your head up your popular ass and don’t listen to the public.. your just going to keep your same boring, plain Jane groupies.. sugar coating it for you.

But hey if that’s what you want.. keep it comfortable.

No Momma’s Boys

 

The typical Momma’s Boy is raised by a single mother ( I am a single mother; my son is 8 ) so I have to be very careful not to raise my son to be emotionally dependent on me. That’s the problem with this guy; his emotional house is filled by his unhealthy emotional dependency on his mother.

The Momma’s Boy has a boyish charm about him; he seems to love women and he has insider information about women because his mother didn’t set healthy emotional boundaries about her own internal emotional life.. she put her son in the emotional position that she would of a lover. It’s sad but true for both of them; that neither of them will have healthy relationships with the opposite sex unless they become awakened towards their unhealthy patterns of emotional dependency… When the son finds a mate; the relationship ends up being another flash in the pan.. it quickly dies because his girlfriend cannot make a deep intimate connection with him..because his mother has taken up that place in his heart.. but the same goes for the mother.. she is too involved emotionally in her son’s life..so when she finds a man; when he attempts to set the boundaries; she sees him as a threat to her son and so the relationship ends quickly.. sometimes with great negative intensity.

I was in a relationship with a Momma’s Boy when I was 18; he was 22.. his mother would say things like ” Does she have to know what we are talking about?” ” Why is she always here?”.. she would come to his house and clean..do his laundry.. fold it.. bring him his favorite food.. etc.. etc.. but she herself couldn’t hold onto a relationship with a grown man..as they got sick of her meddling shit. Over time he did detach somewhat from his mother..but his dependency of his mother soon moved him to his dependency on the bottle.. I watched him drink beer like he was sucking on a breast.. I left him..

How do you know he is a Momma’s Boy before you get too emotionally attached to him?

He usually hasn’t had any long term relationships.. a 2 year relationship is a long term relationship for him

He lives in his glory days.. he is always talking about when he was kid; what his momma taught him

His mom is always cleaning his house and cooking for him

He needs his mother’s advice all the time

His ex girlfriends warn you

He has secret ex girlfriends because he didn’t want his mother to know about the BAD girls

He is selfish, self absorbed and egotistical ( a little brat )

Is so irresponsible emotionally he can’t even take care of pet on his own

Doesn’t want to be a father because he likes his SON or boyishness status

He is in his 30 and 40s and still dresses like teenager and acts like one.. he is so cool ya know!

He is so hip and cool all the time.. even in his online communications..it’s all hip slang

 

What can you do about it? Nothing.. nope just move on..go and find yourself a gown ass man!

Momma has ruined her boy.. he will be in his 60s and she in her 80s.. and she will be at the grocery store buying his favorite jam..because he likes Smuckers ya know!

Love is all powerful

 

I met someone and I thought that we had clicked… but I was wrong again. I was wrong because it appears that he didn’t feel the same way. I was so sure; that when he didn’t respond like I thought he would.. I cried and I cried tonight. Of course when these things happen I feel so foolish and silly.. I feel so vulnerable and damaged..and I am really. My heart has a million scares and wounds.. I am a bleeding heart.. I am mush. It’s especially sad because it isn’t often that I feel that click with a guy..because I am so different and picky. But I opened up my already broken heart that never really seems to mend ( because I am a sensitive soul ) and once again I found myself in my own pool of tears on my pillow.

It’s a constant craving.. this craving for ” The One ” that I have apparently never met..and then it is a continual heartbreak when I dare hope that maybe this someone new could be him..and then my heart is dashed against the rocks like a ship lost at sea.. and all hope seems lost again..and I must grieve the loss of a love that never blossomed.. a light.. like a lighthouse that seems so faraway .. he is so far away from..so far that I just can’t see.. why is he so faraway from me?

And I say to The Angel of Love..” Why do you play with my heart like this? Why can’t you send me somebody to love? Send me someone to heal my broken heart.. to protect me from others who would see me suffer?”

It is such a dangerous thing to feel.. to open up your heart.. to be exposed to others.. to cry..even alone.. to truly allow yourself to be in sorrow..

Love is all powerful.. men and some women they want money and fame and they think that is powerful.. but you can have all of those things but to not have someone truly love you for all of your faults and strengths.. everything else means like nothing at all.. so love is all powerful.

Love is the muse for the artist.. it is the creative force.. without love the world would be gray and barren.. emotionless and pale.. love is everything..

But even though I feel him in my heart.. I cannot find him..

The craving will never leave.. the longing for his strength and touch.. the sound of his voice.. his scent .. his presence .. this will never leave me..

Until I find him I will be raw..

And the tears will fall..

Like rose petals on silk sheets..

My heart like crushed fruit.

 

Anti Abortion Protests in Kelowna BC Canada

This happened on Wednesday morning May 20th 2015.. it’s taken me a few days to calm down so that I can write this post as objectively as possible.

I was driving my kids to school; driving past Mission Park in Kelowna..down Springfield Rd.. we saw bright colors along the hillside. At first my kids and I thought they had turned the hillside into a huge garden bed of flowers; but upon approaching we saw the anti abortion signs and that the flowers were bright blue and pink landscape flags. I must say I was instantly livid!..and I can pinpoint exactly why now. Because pro choice gives women and men the choice to continue a pregnancy or not.. it gives choice and non judgement. Pro choice doesn’t attempt the owner ship of women’s bodies or both men and women’s lives. Pro Life attempts to take away the rights and freedoms of others by painting all abortions with the same brush of brightly colored shame. To me all of those flags were a guilt trip! All of those flags dipped in the manipulative poison of shame. Each of those flags represents the ownership of the womb; they tag women as incubators for the seed of the patriarchy.

What really pisses me off the most is that these anti abortionist; pro lifers .. were given a permit from the city to use a public park..along a very busy road .. using freedom of speech and freedom to protest to attempt to take freedom away from women and men who, for varied reason have chosen not to take a pregnancy to full term.. how is it that shaming people who practice their rights to choice isn’t considered hate speech? I think it is because the Government is steep in religious dogma..that it has been absorbed into the constitution if the constitution is even at all relevant at times like these.. and so my rage; my anger .. was the response of protecting freedom.. and such is the effect of passion.and my passion for women’s rights, equality and freedom.. yes this makes me an emotional girl.

I knew upon passing this display of self righteous hypocrisy that I would be taking a stand .. as I dropped my children off at school I was chomping at the bit to confront those who attempted through guilt and shame to take way the rights and freedoms of others.. and so I did.

Dressed for the gym.. I walked up the slope of the park to address a man sitting smugly in a lawn chair.. he was about 65. I asked him what the protest was about; he told me that each of the flags represented a boy or girl that was aborted. I asked him ” Were are the rainbow flags for all of the gay children then? You know they are born gay right?” He then asked me if I believed in hell.. my response was ” hell is here right now and you are creating it.” He told me they had a right to protest..and then I told him I have a right to protest your protest by picking up the garbage that you have all over this public park. I then began pulling out flags. I was yelled at of course. I was asked ” Don’t you believe in God?” I was told ” You are a baby killer !!” ( I myself haven’t had to have an abortion..but I just might need to one day ..if I am raped..or my daughters and your daughters might need to one day too) Then soon I found myself surrounded. I was preached at; my hair was pulled. They tried to untie my runners. They tried to pull the flags from my arms..but I kept pulling them up.. the posts were steel..they were getting heavy.. they said ” You have quite a few now..they must be getting heavy.. why don’t you just put them down..give them to us..they are our property.. you are taking our property ..we are calling the police now!!” I told them ” It is a good thing I lift heavy weights then.. I was just on my way to the gym..I go 5 days a week. I am not taking your property off this property so I am not stealing anything. When I am done cleaning up your guilt trip I will give them back to you. Call the police.. my name is Gracie Ackerman.” I was glad they were calling the cops. I wanted to get my point across, strong and clearly. The men were so arrogant and manipulative. They told me they were just trying to stop all the baby girl abortions in China.. they told me that was male control.. not what they were doing in the name of God.. then they told me this was non religious.. then in the next sentence they were condemning me and judging me a evil and a sinner. One woman who had an abortion.. who obviously regretted it; was sure I had, had one too.. she said ” She is obviously wounded from her abortion” I said ” Obviously you are..but you have no right to think that other women will share your feelings should they chose to abort.”

One man in his 50s droned on and on.. with his own personal dogma..saying the same thing over and over again..it was so ultra creepy.. He stood toe to toe with me as I bent over and kept picking up the flags.. saying ” That was another baby you just killed.. that flag was a boy..now you just killed a girl..” then he went on and on and on about the baby girls in China .. his eyes would glaze over as if he took comfort and got a high from his own internal dogma spewing out of his mouth..finally I just couldn’t take him anymore and I said ” Do I look like your subservient good Christian wife? Do I look like that stunned bitch over there that is in a constant guilt trip in her own head over her choice to abort? Do I look like I empower the patriarchy by giving you my submission and my mind? Fucking shut the fuck up! You fucking arrogant ignorant boy man! Go tell you wife this shit.. You represent women’s imprisonment! You fucking make me sick! You are the type of man in the church that would rape a young girl.. then blame her for dressing the wrong way inciting her own rape.. look at how these women dress here.. like sickening gray zombies.. no make up .. no skin showing.. they are servants to men.. do I look like the fucking type that is going to believe your manipulations and dogma bullshit.. shut the fuck up!” I was thinking ” Were the fuck are the cops! I want to make my stand..get the point across for all women who are to afraid to do this..because I am not afraid..but hurry up cops!”

So next the sang Amazing Grace..because they thought it funny and ironic that my name is Grace.. So I sang it will them.. my voice shaking in anger.. and I corrected them when they got the lyrics wrong..idiots! And that is right I am Amazing Grace.. because what I did was for the love of equality and freedom.. for everyone that is here on this planet with me and everyone who will walk after me..

Finally the cops showed up.. I motioned for him to walk up the slope.. He had to give me shit..that’s his job. I understood that. I had to drop the flags were I stood..because legally they were not my property. Yes they got a permit to protest from the parks board.. ( way to go Government and religion mixing ) .. that equals inequality..

But after the cop gave me shit.. I told him ” I am proud of myself and what I did. I write about women’s rights and equality…sexual repression through religion..I respect the fact that you are a cop.. your job is intense.. but I hope you can see that we both stand for the same thing and that is justice.. I didn’t just write about it..I just walked my talk.. I think I took a stand today for many people.” We then shook hands..and I got in my car.. and I went to the gym and worked it all out in sweat.. mission was accomplished.

I learned that they had a right to put their hands on me for pulling up there flags.. imaging that? Some thing is really wrong with that..

But imagine if this does set hard and fast into our Government.. and women become less than people because the potential life inside of them becomes more important than the proven viable life carrying the the potential.. if that happens humanity is damned to fall into ashes.

I am so lonely

 

I am so lonely because I am just not good with people; I am not good with people because I think to much. I am not good with people because I feel to deeply. You would think my curses could be blessings.. but it’s been out of balance. I am too different. People say ” Be unique ..shine ” But honestly people don’t like it when you do.. it makes people uncomfortable so when people are uncomfortable they get annoyed; when people get annoyed they lash out..and because I am very sensitive and I over think everything..I take it too hard I guess?

I have learned freedom is an ideal and that there is a price to pay for real freedom.. it means you will not be accepted; sometimes you will even be hated.

Artist are often not acceptable; unless they are creating works of art for mass market production.. like nice coffee table books, or singing already popular lyrics.. because people have already become comfortable with the ideal.

I don’t know.. maybe secretly I purposefully pushed people away from me.. writing the book that I have written; about women’s sexuality.. pissing people off using my own image in the photography.. taking apart religions?

But even if people don’t know me for my book.. maybe I give off ( Don’t touch me ) Don’t touch me because I don’t want you to hurt me. Don’t look at me that way… because it hurts me ” Wtf are you looking at?” ‘” Stop judging me with your glares and stares because I don’t look like you; move like you, think like you or talk like you” ” Just leave me the fuck alone if your going to be a fake asshole”

Of course I do the same thing to men.. I mean it’s not like I haven’t tried to let a few into my heart and bed.. but they lied and they hurt me… They say whatever you want to hear.. or they get insecure and the judge me.. because how dare I take such good care of myself.. it must be because I want lots of men..not just one good man. I must be a slut or fucked up somehow.. it’s like that.. I scare the good guys with my ambitions and attract the bad guys with my ambitions.. so now I don’t trust any of them.. the good guys say things to hurt be because they are being defensive and the bad guys tell me what I want to hear just to get laid.. so I am touch deprived.

It’s only human to want affection and attention.. it’s only human to want to be social and to socialize.. but I just don’t know how to do it. I can meet people and carry on conversations but I go too deep after a while.. I am too deep.. I am too much. I am too smart..and they say it most of the time like it’s a bad thing for a woman to be that smart.. for a woman to be intellectual and philosophical.. to be that into health and fitness.. I annoy people.. I make them uncomfortable..

But I get so lonely from time to time.. when my kids go to their dads..and I have time to realize how alone I am.. I see couples every where I go.. I see groups of people with tons of friends.. they are all so normal.. and they are happy that way..

I guess the only hope for me getting a man is to meet another weirdo like me.. another eccentric.. freaky, overly sensitive artist.. that needs to be alone sometimes.. and then needs love and affection sometimes..

Another gypsy perhaps..

Or maybe I am just being a delusional dreamer again.. that cannot spell..has horrible grammar.. who goes from highs and lows.. because artist are not too horribly stable sometimes..

Until then I will just keep myself from the desolation of horrible loneliness by writing and taking selfies. ( that will piss some people off I am sure )

Angel of Sex

 

Many will find the title of this post quite alarming. I am using it to open up my readers subconscious towards seeing sex as sacred not sinful or dirty. The concept of the Goddess or The Sacred Whore is to see sexuality as a medium towards spiritual bliss. Religions teach us through the dogma of sin to divorce the flesh from the spirit; by doing so we are lost from the magic of knowing the wisdom that the body is the temple and sex is the altar upon which we worship.. and so I am metaphorically being the Angel of Sex by bring enlightenment to the world by my work here on this site and in my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) available at this link http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx 

lately I have had a few hundred men join my Facebook in the last 48 hrs; it is a bit phenomenal. I am not sure why exactly; someone told me that Facebook may have put me up as a suggestion for men. Many of them have gotten the wrong impression of course; I am not shocked by that, as society labels women who are expressing their sexuality as just asking for attention or just asking for it. But I think the majority of them are learning that I am promoting a book about women’s sexuality.. about the repression of women’s sexuality and the shame put onto us all about sexuality.. I am not attempting to get male attentions simply to feed my ego, but I do want attention for the promotion of my book. I see sexuality as natural, and so I don’t see using all of my talents including my natural sexual nature to sell my intellect as shameful..and so I will not be made to feel that way as I will not allow it.

So that I many promote the movement of smashing the barriers put on women’s sexuality and on sexuality as a whole I must walk my talk ..so I must walk out of the shame myself by shamelessly expressing my own sexuality as I am..And to me that is through art and writing.. I see my own personal photography as art and expression.. I see sex as art. Creativity of all forms is metaphorically sex.. as it gives both pleasure and pain, and it creates metaphorical children of ideals.

For me the highest expression of the spirit is love and intellect.. it’s through wisdom and love that we are saved from ignorance.. the sin placed on sexuality is the sin that creates it’s self as it causes humanity to remain in darkness..it causes inequalities like the war of the sexist and homophobia.. the sin placed upon sex creates hate instead of love..and for me hate is the true sin.. but also sin is only lessons that we have yet to learn.. The Golden Age of Humanity will come into fruition when we accept our natural  sexual nature.. and it will be then that we become truly equal.

As for me.. I am a one man woman. I don’t need all the attention of the men in the world to feed a shallow ego..I need but one good man to love me and to love..

I am making myself beautiful for myself and I am working on myself for him.. I am becoming my best self to attract a great man.. he is all I will ever need or want.

Because I am Canadian

 

Because I am Canadian I was born free. In this post I am going to concentrate on all the wonderful things about being born a Canadian or being Canadian. I am very blessed that in this lifetime my stars brought me here, to this place and into this time. I believe we all originate as stardust and that we are the energy of the Universe concentrated into human life forms. I have a purpose in this lifetime and I have had a purpose in all my past lifetimes.. in this life time I was born a Canadian to practice the freedoms given to Canadians. I am an artist; and by being an artist it is my souls calling to help liberate humanity. I help to liberate other women by speaking out through my book, blog, and website.. through all my online profiles.. through all my creativity to help liberate other women in other countries that don’t have the freedoms of speech and artistic expression that I do as an artist living in Canada..and as a person or woman born onto Canadian soil.. and for that Canada.. I am eternally grateful for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a Canadian I feel my solidarity for my country deep within my soul; within the very fibers of my flesh..within every passionate beat of my heart… Canada I love you so much.. I love the land.. I love the majority of the peace-lovers of Canada.. I love the diversity within our country and the spirit of the Canadian people for wide open spaces.. for big sky.. big mountains..big lakes .. for the love of our fresh air experiences. The maples speak to me; they whisper of native lore and traditions ..of spirits that cannot be seen only felt and dreamed of. The sound of the rain on the spring maples.. the whisper of the leaves as they fall.. to the changing seasons of the romance and the brutality of Canadian winters… Canada you are in me..I love you.

I think it is the Canadian wilderness; that speaks of adventure.. it gives one the longing to be as the wind.. to be swept away by the rugged landscape.. to want to walk for miles and miles and miles.

Even when I was a little girl I would disappear into the land.. I would become one with the nature of Canada.. I would ride my horse bareback .. nothing but a backpack ..and just loose myself in the wind.. in the water of the lakes..in the reeds.. my horse and I would travel.. no destination .. no expectations, except to taken in by the sound of loons.. the sound of sweet sadness.. of lovers calling out while the crickets chirped their own melody.. and the frogs sang along.. the fish jumping.. making silver liquid ripples.. to dance an ancient dance.. my hair the color of wheat.. my horses mane entwined with my mane.. as I lay back on her back.. to smell her scent of sweet hay and oats, her warmth and strength and.. nothing but Canada.. because I am Canadian ..

And then I as rode back home my grandfather would meet me at the creek along the road.. he would be tickling trout ..and he would wave to me silently to dismount.. quietly I would wade in beside him.. and watch as the fish fell asleep in his hand as he stroked their underbellies in the sun kissed, pure water.. He would flip then out.. onto the banks ..it was my job to scramble and get them alive into the bucket, so we could take them home fresh for Nana to cook.. Then Gramps would play the spoons.. and in his Newfie accent he would demand ” Gracie give us a jig !” I would do my best..as he laughed and sang ” Barney Goggle.. with the gooo gooo googly eyes.. Barney Goggle with the goo gooo googly eyes.. now he is sleeping with his horse and his wife is suing for divorce.. Barney Goggle with the goo goo googly eyes! ”

He would talk about farming ..and the lighthouse he owned in his youth..and talk about his favorite horse and their adventures.. and my Nana would sass him.. and the loon’s sad melody would sing us all to sleep..and the wolves howled in reply so very bitter sweet…

Mother’s Day & The Single Mom Struggle

 

I used this image of myself because one of the first things I faced becoming a single mom.. by my exes midlife crisis choices ( that I obviously couldn’t control, nor am I responsible for ) well one of the first things I faced was family members, old friends and even society expecting me, to divorce my own sexuality away from my motherhood.. just like we divorced away the marriage .. [ I like how marriage sounds like mirage ] because it wasn’t real to him. But back to divorcing away my own sexuality. I think it’s because people view sexy mom’s as loose welfare bums; it’s a stigma. Many married women have said to me ” OMG if my ex died, left me or had an affair I wouldn’t ever date again, I wouldn’t ever have sex again. I couldn’t do that to my kids and I just couldn’t imagine dating again or having sex with anyone else.” Mind you I felt that way at first too; the first year I grieved hard, the second year I became curious and by the third year I was really horny. Nature is what nature is; and time may not heal intense heartache but it sure helps. Now when I hear women say that to me I could just scream. They don’t know what they don’t know.. and I find it to be an insensitive selfish statement..almost.. a ” Look at me I am married, I am having sex { it might not be great sex; stats show it’s not..but it’s not the nothing I am getting or the guilt trips I get for wanting it } and I have a man to fix the car, put lotion on my back and go on date nights with.” well fuck you too!

One of the most difficult things about being a sexy single mom.. is being seen as a perceived threat as a potential husband thief. I really hate that! My ex cheated on me, so why would I want to be with a cheater; and it’s not a complement it’s an insult. It’s saying I have no morals or ethics.. then I think ” Why did you marry him then?” and ” Stop putting your fucking marital problems onto me I have enough fucking problems of my own.”

I also think that I scare married women because they fear they could just as easily be me.. and they could. It’s a more intense struggle for me vs some single moms that have their parents and other family members to help them. I don’t have that luxury; I have to save every penny; I have to keep a little extra for emergencies. When my car breaks down I don’t have parents to call and help me. I think my situation scares the shit out of many married women. I think that is why they blame me for my predicament.. it gives them a sense of control; if they can exclude fate or the fact that they cannot control what their husbands may or many not do to them it makes them feel better. So it’s easy to resent single mothers; when you are a married woman fearing the same fate.

My fault was that I couldn’t turn myself into the imaginary perfect bitch my ex had in his head. I failed miserably at behaving myself; I talked back and gave him shit when he treated me like shit. I guess I wasn’t submissive enough. I am too much of a rebel, I am too smart, I am too energetic , I think for myself..and I just didn’t worship him like the god he thought himself to be.. yup it was totally my fault!

This single mom gig.. it’s tough. I do break down in tears from loneliness. I cannot have some jerk around my kids; or me for that matter. I cannot allow myself to be depleted by some arrogant know-it-all again. Casual sex is just heartbreaking; so it’s complicated. My body longs to be touched lovingly and I long for rough sex too.. it’s horrible sometimes..it’s torture sometimes. It’s very sad.

I wish I had someone to take care of me once-in-awhile ..and I wish I had someone to take care of..some times the longing feels like it will kill me. It’s been over 6 years now; I never thought it would be this long; I have had many guys interested in me; but there isn’t that spark ( I don’t want to make the same mistake I made last time, I don’t trust myself )

My ex is such a dick that he schedules all his weekends without consulting me; even though he was ordered to in court; but going back to court is horrible. There are so many sexist, dick head judges that talk to single moms as if we are criminals..anyway the ex scheduled his weekend to be with the kids on Mother’s Day again.. for the 6th year in a row. I told him I am keeping the kids. Now he has told me it might be weeks till he sees them again { because he thinks he can punish me by disobeying his mighty orders.. see I just cannot obey } But as a single mom; I am making us breakfast tomorrow. We are going to have ham, pancakes and scrambled eggs.. then we are going to be ultra lazy until noon..then go out and play in the sun..

I hope the car starts Monday :) Monday..back to the mechanics.. fuck

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