I think one of the hardest things about divorce and betrayal is keeping the good memories, but not dwelling on the bad..it’s pretty tough. I just went back into my old picture files to find images of my dog Bailey.. this post is about my memories of her..if you love dogs this post will probably make you emotional. Going through the old images I had to relive very painful memories of my marriage and divorce. It’s so hard looking at the dog I loved and my children, but seeing images of my ex husband brought back pain and intense anger.. ( I am thinking again.. maybe I am changing my mind about thinking I could re-marry again..it seems like such a romance and passion killer ).. but here I go ..sorting out the good from the bad.
When I met my husband we fell in love;… probably too fast. He asked me to move into his cabin on the outskirts of town, right away.. I loved him .. I was happy to be with him. I asked him if we could get a puppy. Bailey picked us. As I went through the back gate of the neighbors farm.. this fat little tan lab-shepard pup waddled up to us.. as I copped a squat she bounded into my lap; she demanded our love and affection. That was that. She was our fur baby.. she slept with us for the first couple of weeks because she missed her mommy and siblings. I remember when she lost her first teeth.. just like a child. I would see her little teeth dangling out of her mouth, and find them in her food dish. I saved them, just like I do with my children now. Looking back now I can see how the relationship was doomed with my ex because I spent more time with my dog then him. Bailey was my running companion and she loved to help me garden.. by digging up what I just planted. Bailey was the one to comfort me when I cried.. more than he ever could..and it turned out he was the reason for most of my tears. But I don’t want to go too deeply into that .. I just want to remember her.
Just before Bailey was due to be fixed.. her appointment scheduled for just after Christmas… well.. as we were packing the truck to go to his parents for Christmas the dog right next door dug under the fence and gave Bailey a very merry Christmas. We got Bailey a morning-after-pill…but a few months later I noticed that Bailey wasn’t keeping up running beside me..and sure enough she was having puppies. Her puppies were beautiful.. I was a grandma at 25. The puppies and Bailey slept in our room.. every couple of hours we would hear the sounds of hungry babies and a nursing mother. It was a sweet and happy time. As the puppies got bigger and the weather got warmer we moved her and her pups outside. We sold all but one..we named him Bandit. Bandit and Bailey were hilarious together; she schooled him well as she payed very hard with him; they were both excellent running partners with me.. they could go the distance; they even carried their own water bottles as I attached them to their harnesses.
It wasn’t long before I was having babies of my own; and because Bailey had her own babies she was very protective and attentive of mine; she even taught her own son Bandit, if he became to excited or rough around my babies; she would snap at him to get him to calm down. Bailey would sit right on my feet when I nursed my babies.. when I would nurse my children outside in the yard she would act as if she was guarding us.. when I stood up to walk around the yard she would stay right beside us.. she was always watching out for our kids as they got older.
One day something horrible and tragic happened.. my then husband left the gate open; and Bandit rushed out after another dog. I was inside the house baking cupcakes for out daughters 3rd birthday. Even in the house, all the doors closed I heard the screeching of truck tires..and my husband yell his name ” BANDIT!” My blood ran cold. I rushed outside as he placed Bandit on the lawn; Bailey was beside him.. my ex said to me ” Come and say goodbye ” I called Bandit’s name.. he tried to stand up for me..as if to say ” don’t be sad Mom, I am OK” but his hips were shattered. As I came to sit beside him on the frozen ground, I saw the swelling on his head; I saw his hips twisted. I cried and stroked his soft black ears..and Bailey licked him.. my ex said ” I just turned around and he was gone.. I saw him flying through the air.” He was in shock as he begged me not to cry so loud. I then saw Bandit’s pupils blow out.. they expanded so large and black..and then he was gone. We buried him on our property. I bought and Angel statue holding a puppy to place on his grave.. and Bailey laid on his grave for weeks..
Bailey and Bandit used to sleep outside together in the shed but after he died I brought her into the house to sleep with us.. it took about 6 months for Bailey to be able to sleep outside on her own. I really believe that Bailey never stopped looking for him.. just like people do. I think she thought she could hear his bark now and then..and so did I. The grief was horrible.
But it brought my dog closer to me and the kids, as we were home most of the time. Bailey still helped me garden..and she dug up mice and chased skunks ..and scared marmots to hide under the shop. We went on long walks and hikes..and one day on a walk up a trail..along the side of a farmer’s field, Bailey became really excited about some wonderful musky smell. She practically dragged me right up to a huge grizzly bear! Bailey found her lovely smell.. it was 5 ft away from us up the top of the hill, when she found it. We both never ran so fast in our life!
In spite of my marriage problems she had a great life; I am a wonderful cook, and I have three kids that didn’t eat everything; she cleaned off a lot of plates and ate a lot of hotdogs that feel out of buns onto the grass. She loved Thanksgiving..she ate a ton of turkey skin and more than 3 day old leftovers..she loved to hover when the turkey was cooking.
She was 14 when my husband decided he didn’t want to be my husband anymore.. when he thought I was too fat and ugly from having babies; and he had an affair with a women who worked for our landscaping business.. she had a great body but an ugly face.. friends called her ( But-her-Face ) meaning everything hot but the face. He didn’t just turn his back on me and the kids.. he turned his back on Bailey too.. proving dogs are family.. but when he left even in her old age she consoled me. She slept in my room, sometimes in the bed ..I cried into her fur..she was a witness to my grief..the real ugly, harsh grief that I couldn’t put onto my children.. Bailey grieved too..she missed him and she didn’t understand how or why he would go either.. A year passed..and he didn’t come back.. Bailey aged a lot.. She couldn’t see past 5 ft in front of her..she couldn’t hear well and she was getting lost on the property. Then her eating dropped off dramatically..she was almost eating nothing. I knew it was time.
I scheduled the appointment with the vet to have her put down. My ex showed up, our girls who were 6 and 8 were in school, but our one year old son was with us..but he was really too young to know what was going on. The female vet and her pretty young assistant prepared Bailey on the table.. they injected her with the first needle to relax her.. but my ex wouldn’t stop texting his girlfriend..his phone kept going off.. the vet actually had to ask him to turn off his phone. He then started to flirt with the pretty assistant..He eventually left the room, using our son as an excuse. They were flabbergasted and disgusted with him. After I explained how he was going through a midlife crisis; me and the other women comforted each other and Bailey.. The vet said ” Are you ready for me to give her the needle that will put her down.” I knew it was mercy as I said ” yes” The needle filled with some of Bailey’s blood as it back-washed some..but she drifted off..and way from me.. they then left me alone with her body. I stroked her ears..I inhaled her scent for one last time.. I stayed with her until her body stared to cool..and I felt her spirit comfort me as I cried and wept.. still talking out loud to her.
I left to get my son from my ex in the parking lot.. we went to the florist to purchase white daisies and babies breath.. I picked up my girls from school..we went home and we decorated Bailey’s dog house with flowers.. They froze in February.. we moved out of the marital home that month..
It was the end of innocence.
Want to get to the point directly; religion is a battle tactic or strategy. It was created by old world royalty and emperors to control the masses or surfs through fear. All three of the most popular world religions were created as a tool of diversion. It’s obviously genus as it has keep us; the people at each other for 1000s of years. It’s simple really; if you give a few people the false sense of superiority over a few other people, they will do the dirty work for you. And so men were given privilege over women as ( the head of the household ) by men becoming the head or the brain of the family they were given control over wealth, social status and sexual freedoms.. this has obviously kept men and women fighting ..and by keeping things unhappy in the home, the powerful become more powerful.. it’s like this.. a thief comes into a city to steal the livestock..but to divert the people away he sets a fire in the middle of the city.. while the people are busy putting out the fire.. he steals the livestock.. but even better yet, thief creates a rumor that the women took the livestock to gain power over men.. or it was the black people.. or the homosexuals.. do you get the picture?
We love the good in religion ( love everyone as you love yourself ) ( God is love ) but in order to get God’s love or favor to save us from hell’s fire.. we must condemn and murder those who may lead us astray from the morality of sexual deviation .. what we don’t understand is that our natural nature has been labeled as sinful because it was so easy to use it as a tactic .. it makes us fight with ourselves internally and with others externally.. the irrational nature of the fear of death and the consequences after death used against us by a group of people that made it up; by people 1000s of years ago that had access to education and reading that peasants didn’t have access to.. they actually commissioned writers to make up hell to scare the shit out of people so that they would behave and pay penance to the church..and follow the dogma or rules indoctrinated into them.. many people of all different religions couldn’t read or write..so even if scripture was made available they couldn’t of made sense of it themselves.
Some links http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constantine_the_Great ( proves that Constantine created Christianity to unite his empire..basically to manipulate people into doing what he wanted and needed them to do.. when the bible was compiled of multiple books.. he chose to burn many that included a feminine voice.. because he wanted to control women..and he wanted to use their husbands to help him to control women.. controlling women meant that more than 60% of his empire would be locked down to his ideals.)
“Canon 14. We prohibit also that the laity should be permitted to have the books of the Old or New Testament; unless anyone from motive of devotion should wish to have the Psalter or the Breviary for divine offices or the hours of the blessed Virgin; but we most strictly forbid their having any translation of these books.”
“Apparent immediately is the third of the work devoted toPurgatory, a doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church having no foundation in the Bible.’”
Dante imagines various levels of hell and heaven. He describes the Inferno in great detail, vividly describing the torments and agonies of hell; these descriptions, however, do not come from the Bible. Some come from Islamic tradition.”"
My point is this.. we are still living in the brutality of the Iron Ages.. or the Middle Ages, because we are allowing state and country to be run by the doctrine of these ages.. we are allowing sexual repression into our school systems.. into to the work place.. we are still condemning and damning each other to hell because we believe in it’s creation..due to the fear of what happens after death.. we still are giving room for Manifest Destiny.. and that is why racism and slavery are still being practiced today..just look at the Middle East.. people are being slaughtered because one country believes their God said they should and that they have a right to do so in the name of God.. today we have riots in Baltimore.. the women’s dollar is still at 77cents compared to the male wages.. we have the right to gay marriage on trial.. all in the name of religion..
So when are we going to evolve? It’s time we either get rid of religion or we take the human rights infringements out of religion to bring about true equality and justice..and it’s time we see that sex isn’t sinful.. it is a just our natural nature..it’s time to stop going against science and nature ..it’s time to embrace our wholeness..until then nothing will change.. but nature just might do what nature does..because what doesn’t evolve isn’t good for nature.. it will ..we will simply just die back.
It’s time to be spiritual and logical.
When I was a young girl; I was a tomboy, I loved playing street hockey with the boys. Left defense was my position of choice..but if right wasn’t doing it like they should; I would make up for the other player. I was very competitive, I could take hits and give them.. I earned the nick name ” Slasher ” it still makes me laugh. Now that I am all grown up; I am a very athletic and fit woman; even being in my 40s, having had three children; I could still slash and check now. I love training and sports. But I hate the macho bullshit that goes with sports. All the money that gets funneled into a game; a game that is primarily owned and made into a monopoly by rich greedy men. I know from experience that it promotes a sense of entitlement and sexism to men, that trickles into homes and marriages.. this is the experience I had with my now ex husband.
I found that hockey could be used as an excuse by my husband as the reason not to have to be present with his family; my ex also used work and golf for the exact same reasons. Using work as an excuse not to parent or spend time with me, was a way to take the high road for as master manipulation; after all, how do you fault a man for wanting to supply for his family? Hockey, and or other organized sports were his reward for all of his hard work outside of the home; you see I was being taught in a very sexist way, that he was entitled to his entitlement; that my work in the home or outside of the home wasn’t as important as his. I was being told by my husband and by society that if I was a good woman; I would be submissive, I should, we all should , just handle the kids, the home and our own feelings of loneliness.. to martyr our own happiness.. for the sake of his.
I wonder how many other women fake liking hockey to make their men happy? I wonder how many women fake being cool with it when they are seething inside because he puts a game ahead of his wife and kids..? I bet it’s like faking an orgasm; because she cannot reach those peaks of pleasure; because he is there only physically but not emotionally. How many women are listening to the hockey game playing in the background having their man right next to them..but feeling a total disconnect; lack of companionship.. being not alone but feeling totally alone?
I cannot count the number of dinners I made for him that he didn’t even taste; how many times our then young children did something cute, monumental or amazing.. when he was right there in the house, that he didn’t even see. How many women have cooked the dinner; put the kids to bed, washed the dishes.. and fell asleep while he tuned out watching hockey? How many women self pleasured.. because he was downstairs .. in an entire different dimension ( hockey land ) while he should of been making love to her?
How many hockey pools could she gamble on better then him; just by knowing the names of the top players because the hockey announcers voices playing in the back ground drilled the into her subconscious so completely, that she can recite them in her sleep?
I wonder how many women I am writing this for? How many women want to yell this into their man’s faces? How many women stuff this down every hockey season..or for every season his next favorite sport plays? How man women feel shut out; that are shut out for a stupid fucking game; a game that over pays players, and that promotes sexual inequality by the over pay and over promotion of male sports over female sports? How many fathers are teaching their sons to treat their wives like emotional baggage when the game comes on? How man fathers are teaching their daughters that a sport means more to them, then family ..then love? But at the same time ..it’s up to us as women to speak up; to not stuff it down, to tell him our true feelings.
But to cover all bases ( pun intended ) some women really do love the game as much as their husbands.. if so this post isn’t for you.. move on, carry on.
Now fast-forward to my life today; as a divorced, single mom.. the play-offs are playing at his place but not at mine. My weekend with the kids; we watched a movie, made old fashioned popcorn, on the stove, in a pot..and spent family time together.. there isn’t any hockey here..and I am so grateful now that the marriage is over.. I will never be put behind a game; work, or any other interest when I meet another. I will speak up right away..and if my needs are not met for equality.. I will walk away..
Tonight my ex is watching hockey with the woman he had an affair with.. and that’s just karma.. because now he is ignoring her.
I am going to get strait to the point as to why I think such a trashy show was put out by the Canadian media.. The real housewives are media whores. They are pimped by the media industry to sell product.. like duh!? Think about it.. how does that show make you feel as a woman watching it? It makes you want to go out and get a face-lift, nose job, check implants, a weave, Botox, facial, paws and claws and then it makes you want to go on a shopping spree. Not only that but it teaches women to be shallow. Can you get any shallower than making it your life’s goal to gold-dig? To gold dig you need to buy stuff! Yup that is it in a nutshell!
Look at these women from the inside out.. what is in the inside? Not much.. it’s all about appearances.. it’s all about becoming a selfish, self indulgent shallow as a puddle narcissistic bitch..and then the show teaches women to claw over each other and compete for male attention..because remember your main goal is to work as little as possible while professing to be working your ass off.
And so the sickening beast of the media machine is exposed for what it is.. disgusting greed over morals and integrity.. greed over character and true inner beauty.. selfishness over compassion and giving..because it is more important to collect shoes and cars than it is to feed the starving.
The show also is a tourist draw.. they show Vancouver in full sun ..show the best parts and places of Vancouver.. Vancouver is my place of birth.. this isn’t a true representation of the real Vancouver and these housewives are anything but real.. seriously when they die..well they have been mummified while still alive.. you will be able to dig them up a hundreds of years from now and they will look like the plastic, media, pornographic, puppet dolls the are.
And what a great role model for young girls.. eh? Canadians? Just be pretty, shallow, stupid, fake bimbos and make your life’s goal to meet a rich jerk..then go on TV and rub everyone else’s face in it to prove your worth.. but the truth is they are worthless.. No dreams, no goals, no intentions of truly helping humanity or making a difference for the human race.. using charities as forms of selfish, self promotion for more media popularity and fake fame..
I should be compensated for sitting through 2/3s of the first episode.. I was close to exercising my right to die.. my poor brain!.. But I did it for you.. to expose to you why this SHIT is placed under our noses like some golden carrot on a string.. it’s to make you pull out your credit cards.. get horribly in dept..and to make you feel like shit about your bottom line..
Trust me.. if you are living to make a difference, if you care about other people other than yourself.. your way better off then them..
Shit like this is why I wrote my book.. so that women don’t allow media to keep using other women to get other women to buy back their own beauty.. cause some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit!
I know this sounds crazy.. but I am so passionate about women’s rights and issues that every night I dream about it. In my dreams I contact a higher power, we sit in a class room, office setting. We go over how women’s bodies are dismantled into parts; that we are judged by each individual part of our bodies..and how we do this to ourselves.. how we therefore give into our own objectification. In my dreams this higher power tells me why I cannot access the press.. the media.. the reason is that they want to keep women chained down and trapped in this way of objectifying themselves because they make money.. industry makes money off the objectification of women.
In my dreams, I dream of Joan of Arc.. she tells me how even back in her day she was used by the patriarchy to win battles..favors for her King.. she followed their rules and stayed a virgin.. yet still by keeping her alive and giving her credit were it was due; they knew it would empower women.. they couldn’t allow that..because entire religions and Government platforms are built on the body parts of women. So she was murdered by her own people for wearing pants. I dream of Marilyn Monroe.. she tells me in my dreams how she was groomed to sell women’s sexuality back to them. How she was used by a male industry ..never paid her worth, never given credit for how brilliant she actually was. The fullness of Marilyn wasn’t ever honored..instead she was treated like a prostitute .. she was pimped by the industry and by the Government of her time.. the fullness of her beauty .. her inner beauty not allowed to shine.. least it should truly empower other women..
These are but a few women that I dream of.. But these women are seeped into my subconscious and into the subconsciousness of all women.. and other women like them.. we are taught this pattern. We are taught that the fullness of our beauty.. our hearts and souls are not as important as our body parts.. we are chopped and butchered by society into ( Lips, hips and tits ) we are taught that smart women intimidate men..and men are taught that smart women intimidate them.. we are taught to dumb ourselves down least we should be seen as less attractive, should she be just as ambitious as a man, least she should lead like a man .. Like Joan of Arc did.. then she was murdered for daring to do an even better job, that the men of her time could not do.. because she wore the archetype of the female warrior like she was born to do it..she owned her own soul! And we see that when Marilyn demanded her worth and spoke out with her own true voice about being denied her own rights to her worth.. that she supposedly committed suicide at the prime of her life?
Even to this day I am reading in the papers how women are vilified for asking their worth..to this day a woman’s sexual worth is based on her virginity or purity.. while a man’s worth isn’t ever based on his sexual history.. but by the lack of it.. the double standards hold us all prisoner.. we look at how the church has put chains around our sexual organs.. how guilt and shame turned into a magic money machine; yet this machine is also used by the media to pit women and men against each other.. teaching men through music and art that they are entitled to just take from women what they want..entitled to make more money.. to just go and grab at and for what they need..be it a woman or a raise.. be it opportunity or date rape..because he has been taught entitlement and she has been taught to shut up.. look pretty, to know her place is were the male power dictates it to be.. least she should be punished .. become unattractive from the inside out ” You have such a pretty face, it’s too bad your such bossy bitch ”
So will I ever be given a media voice or a platform to speak on this ..so that people can become educated to the dysfunctional patterns in our society? Not if the patriarchy can help it.. they want to keep women down..it’s the unpaid women’s work that is the needle and thread that secretly holds a male power based society together and makes them rich.. Men make the money..they invest the money were they see fit.. like in male sports, like hockey and soccer .. they don’t put male money into female sports..and they put their money into male power based adverts..that keep the patterns going..that keep opportunity and power in male hands.. but meanwhile a woman is cooking, sewing, sweating and toiling doing traditional manly chores, working in a traditional male based business or trade.. making less money.. not getting the promotion because she has a womb ..
They want to keep this message unheard and silent.. like they want to keep all women unheard .. silent in their ( Place )
There are always people who don’t want to see other’s dreams come true; especially the dreams of people that they think are beneath them. When people are born into privilege often times they lack in character and spirit.. so they hate to see someone with character and spirit come to access success or victory. They haven’t ever been hungry for it; they haven’t ever had to truly strive to make their mark or path, because it was already set before them. Often times they don’t really have a dream.. a real dream .. I dream that is a paradigm shifting, catalystic force. The privileged see fame as away to personally promote their own selfish means, rather than as tool to give birth to a message that brings wealth and success to all humanity.. so because they don’t have that drive, talent or even the ability to dream such a dream they will use their privilege to crush the magic before it ever reaches victory.
I am that dreamer. I am one of those; and maybe if your reading this.. if you searched up this topic; so are you.
We are the ones that come from the wrong side of the tracks; the ones born into poverty.. yet we still dare to change our stars.. dare to build our own worth.. to re-create ourselves into what we are told by the privileged we have no right to do.. But there are many who have succeeded us.. many paupers that became Kings.. many a maid that became Queen.. they are the ones that had heart..
It is that HEART..and that courage that those born to privilege will never understand.. it is what they are envious of.. It is that spirit that they wish to crush because they simply don’t walk within it themselves..and even though they walk on a gilded path.. they will never know the drive and the ambition of those that wish to change the stars they were born under..they will never understand true pride in the positive stance.. what it is like to be hit over and over again..but to keep getting up.. no matter what.
They are so jealous of the dreamers that think outside the box..that don’t color in the lines..that write their own music and the lyrics.. that dance to the beat of their own drum.. that pave and blaze their own trails..
The dreamers.. the rebels .. they think we are crazy, outcasts, weird and strange.. because our reality is a new reality.. we don’t live in their rules, we break them because they are stupid rules.. that tell us ” You will never be ready, don’t even try, you need to be certified and approved by the privileged few, before you can fly.”
But the dreamers, we don’t listen.. we take a huge leap of faith..and we build our wings while we fall..and we fail..and we fail..but by god we learn..
Some of us will not make it.. but what a beautiful, courageous story still.. making even failure into art.. but some of us.. will FLY