Archive for February, 2015

Core

 

I exposed my heart to you now what are you going to do..

I am vulnerable, soft and sweet a tender treat..

I shared my secrets; my deepest demons and my angels too..

but I have no regrets in telling you that I love you..

I now that you know that I am broken what will be my punishment..

will there be vengeance from you my darling nemesis?

I am torn in shreds and that I don’t regret, because I have spent all my rage..

my heart is out of it’s cage..

I am crushed like ripe grapes..

my heart is pulp, bloody red and raw..

but the ecstasy has transported me to deep euphoric harmony..

I am enraptured in the depths of ravishment that overpowers me..

how exquisite this emotion like a fine wine drizzled on my tongue..

I am undone; the art of ripping a heart apart..

to the core, to the essence of the center open and sore..

abraded, inflamed by a passion untamed,  that has bewitched me..

but my heart is free from rationality that imprisoned me..

I didn’t know I was ravenous and starving for lust..

so devastate me, plunder and dissenter to liberate me..

break me in pieces so beautifully to be enchanting and ravishing..

I surrender willingly..

Madonna/Bill Maher and 50 shades of WTF?

 

I am going to write this like I am addressing Bill.. just explaining myself cause some people are a step behind ( slow )

I was thinking about ageism today too Bill.. before I watched your vid on your Facebook page about your take on it.. and it’s true ..age is just a number when it comes to wisdom, looks, talent and most abilities.. Lets take Madonna’s performance at the Grammys.. she was incredible. But guess what? Lots of conservative 50 shades of beige thinkers say she is too old to pull off sexy and sassy anymore. I have been reading jerk-offs comments on many media feeds and their ageism reigns supreme.. because according to said douchbags she is an “Old hag; without class, with a saggy ass that is an embarrassment to herself and the music industry.. ” So yes Bill your right.. our western culture is very much at the maturity level of high school.. promoting youth and stupidity over talent and progressive art.

Now lets look at 50 shades of What the fuck did I just read and why the fuck did they make that crap into a movie? Why the fuck is everyone reading and watching that shit? How the fuck does that shit get promoted? What is the fucking angle by the media machine?

I really tried hard to read the first book.. but as a smart, well read person that actually understands what the fuck I am reading; that has studied sexuality, intimacy, sociology and other heavy similar topics; it became clear I was reading a brainwashing tool for stupid people. The most frightening fact is that many young girls will sneak this book out of their mother’s night stand; like my daughter did without anyone explaining the sexual and social implications perverted in the book..and it’s not a good perversion either.. because it puts puritan and porn together…and that’s just fucking lovely.. the worshiping of virginity with the degradation of pornography.. a female character that hasn’t explored her own body at the age of 22, had a drink or figured out how to self care.. but needs a man to teach her about her body.. her sex, and tell her when to basically take a crap..and young girls are reading that crap and thinking it romantic.. looking at how sick society is.. we have a mature woman like Madonna expressing her sexual freedom with artistic talent being called down by the masses as a nasty old whore.. but I bet most of the loosers read 50 shades of ” I am fucked up” but cannot handle the empowerment of women taking charge of their own sexuality.. so yes Bill your right.. America is fucked up.. how fucked up are they?

The movie..50 shades of dysfunctional sex .. ( this makes me laugh at just how fucked up this is) was premiered on Valentines Day.. a day of LOVE not Obsessive LUST.. how about that? How fucked up is that? If it was honestly promoted and written by; say a psychologist .. it would have the title of ( The Co-dependent and the Narsissist; everything wrong in relationships today) I mean fucking seriously.. or ( Fucking is more important than love) or ( Train the bitch to love the word whore cause she is a slut anyway).. ( beat the bitch she has it coming ) ( your orgasm matters more than hers) ( Virgins need to be trained by your dick ) ( Fuck love just fuck) ( if she doesn’t listen cut her off) ( don’t love her just fuck her) ( she doesn’t have a brain anyway.. so why love her) etc.. etc.. etc..

I know you know this Bill.. that if we take a intelligent look at society..we can see we are pretty much doomed to another 100 years of this shit! As a society we make stupid movies and books like this famous that promote patriarchal thinking with the glorification of virginity ( youth ) with the love/hate of the whore.. it’s so fucking unhealthy.. we are a culture addicted to LUST.. we want fame and riches, we want the fucking rush all the time.. but we haven’t anything substantial like meaningful relationships because western culture is so fucking immature we cannot commit to anything long term or truly intimate.. so forget brains or talent..fuck that? That isn’t entertaining..bullshit and quick sex, fast money and hot young ass that isn’t anything but dumb young hot ass; that is were it’s at in America.. and then we go to the other extreme..because we are so fucking immature..so lets be all conservative and repressive and try to pass laws that ban yoga pants.. it’s so fucked up. We are so out of touch with our natural nature.. with our bodies, with true relationships.. ( I just did a face palm with both hands) Lust isn’t bad.. but it needs to be balanced with love..and it’s not that all relationships will end up being loving relationships.. just that the majority should to help promote a healthy society.. lust is the beginning stage of a relationship.. that can lead to love; but the way our society is functioning we are loosing love and compassion in many aspects in many different types of relationships.. even in the work place. We are loosing our humanity in our pursuit of mostly lust and lusty behaviors.

We cannot be intimate in our arts and culture cause we cannot be intimate in our society..isn’t that the bottom line? It’s like in seeing Madonna being a beautiful, talented older woman owning it !!! We fear it.. we fear the intimacy in ageing and ultimately facing death.. that is western culture.. we repress reality like a bunch of fucking kids spending the rent money to go get drunk and get high on a Friday night.. Imagine if people actually got off their asses and educated themselves and questioned the shit they read..the movies they watched.. TV.. the media fucking feed of dribble ..it’s all just fucking sugary lust ( sugary lust ) it doesn’t feed the soul or challenge the mind.. it’s just instant gratification… people wanna believe their Government’s got their back.. and it’s all about young ass crack.. and meanwhile life is passing them bye.. the good stuff.. like a good conversation..a deep book or poem.. someone who is emotionally healthy and will be there for them when things turn shitty..

No western culture wants the unhealthy highs and lows of the sugar rush..

Done my rant now Bill..

I wrote a book about this ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine)

May Madonna rock on ,,they can kiss her talented ass!

The Single Mom Struggle

 

My rose colored glasses have fallen off my face once again. When you’r a single mom and an artist you don’t get to stay in the rosy glow long enough. So what happened today? Were do I start..?

I have this fucking car.. it has some fucking problems that I cannot seem to get a permanent fix for.. electrical problems that they cannot seem to nail down. This is what happens to the fucking car. The throttle starts to drop from highs to lows.. up and down ..and then I know something shitty is starting to happen.. then the wipers come on by themselves when I start the car, then the radio changes stations,, then it turns off an on by it’s self when I start the fucking car.. then a few days later a bulb that I have just had replaced again! ,,it fucking burns out.. then I know for sure the car is about to go through an electrical shit storm..so I take it in.. they hook up to the computer.. nothing.. just something reading on the throttle.. but I am told the electrical crackling sounds I am hearing from the steering wheel are just cracked plastics rubbing together when I turn the wheel.. so I am like ” OK” leave.. drive the fucking car around for a few weeks.. then the back light burns out that I just had replaced.. then it starts making the weird clicking sounds and the front lights flicker even though they are turned off.. So I am like ” Fucking car.” Then it did it today.. ( electrical shit storm from hell ) lucky for me my kids were with the ex still.. and I had just driven into town from being up in the mountains hiking.. cause the throttle went fucking nuts.. turned right up.. the lights were flashing and the dash was clicking and the steering wheel was crackling like a fucking gawd damn nightmare.. meanwhile I am trying to calmly pull into the grocery store parking lot.. while trying not to panic and have a fucking heart attack .. did that.. got the car in a fucking stall.. didn’t run anyone over with the throttle thrusting the car forward.. parked the fucking car.. left it in park but still running to get out to look at the lights flashing like a son-of-a-bitch.. so I went to the dash and turned the fucking head lights all the way on.. it stopped clicking for a few seconds..then it fucking died.. yup.. just fucking died,, the car had a fucking heart attack… fuck!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

So I went into the grocery store.. did the shopping.. sucked up my panic and tears.. didn’t cry.. got it done.. called a cab.. told one of my mom friends as I took the groceries out of the cab.. ” My car broke down again” paid the cabby and then went inside and cried and screamed..and cried and screamed and cried and cried and cried.. because I am so fucking mad and because it makes me feel so vulnerable because I don’t have family to help me and because I saved up some fucking money.. and now I have to spend the fucking money on what is or was suppose to be fixed the last 4x I took the fucking car into have them fix the fucking car.. FUCKING CAR!

On top of all that.. my ex wouldn’t keep the kids an extra day..even though he has the day off.. just to be a prick.. and he sent our son home from his house for the 3rd time with living lice in his hair.. each time I clean him up he comes home with living lice in his hair..and each time my ex doesn’t tell me he has it..but my 7 year old son brings it up over dinner.. all innocent to his dad’s conniving bullshit.. seems he likes the thought of sending his son to his ex wife infected with lice.. cause it’s funny to make me suffer..and it doesn’t seem to matter to him that he is making his little boy suffer to make his mother suffer.. so as you can imagine this time my text messages were not polite at all.. nope.. the went like this ” What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking insane? You don’t deserve your kids asshole.” now that is some hard cold single mom reality..

Then the memory of when I bought the fucking car.. you see he set out some dumb ass stipulation in the settlement of the assents that if I didn’t purchase a car with in the week of him giving me a part of the monies from the sale of the marital home that he wouldn’t give me the other monies from the other assets.. so I rushed out to buy the fucking car..not having a male friend or relative with me to help me get past the sleazy used car sales men that will sell a single mom a lemon with no remorse what so ever.. and that is the shit that happened..and so the anger in me burned to a rising crescendo.. so intense I thought I was going to blast off!

Thank gawd for other single mom friends..and single dad friends that helped to talk me off the ceiling .. cause holy fuck!

The prevailing thought had by us all..” We need a good drunk!”

I don’t drink often but when I do.. it’s because of.. the single mom struggle.

Fucking CAR!

It’s a man’s world

 

Oh will you look at that.. he has the world in his hat..modeling his Hugo Boss.. what man.. he can do whatever wants because he has a dick in his pants..

Look at that virility in a beard set up and out for all to see .. to resemble what lives between his knees.. it’s just so huge, big and pompous .. such a cocky .. cock..

You gotta love them.. it’s all about them.. their Hockey Night in Canada.. dudes just strutting their stuff.. a metaphor what lies between their thighs..

It’s a man’s world..

Just forget about equal pay and equal wage.. not when he has the stage and he can parade his dick in so many ways..but he will say he is about women’s rights..but in truth you can see by the way he lives his life..

It’s a man’s world..

He has got Play Boy on his mind.. he’s got he world at is feet and a babe by his side.. and he will not settle down because there so much to fuck.. and he can do what he wants to do because..

It’s man’s world..

Yes girls.. he will throw you a bone ( get it ) throw it from his table on high.. were he rules supreme for all to see how sexual and masculinity is worshiped and glorified; but women must hide their sexuality because..

It’s a man’s world..

Oh yes he is about helping females out.. when it comes to words and small gestures but really it amounts to just helping himself out .. to look like he cares about someone else but himself..

It’s a man’s world..

Lets just go have a beer..watch some strippers but pretend that we don’t support this sexist society ..but let’s watch male sports.. and support only what brings in money and it’s not the honey’s..

It’s a man’s world..

They pretend to give way.. they pretend to sway.. to listen to the girls and what they say..but only after they have had to fight their own way.. then they have to play..

It’s a man’s world..

You can see their full of shit.. and they just bullshit.. because when the chips are down.. and they are gambling.. there are no women at the table.. unless they are bringing them a beer..

It’s a man’s world..

Girls were  just thrown the odd bone.. and we lap it up ( get it ) and we suck up.. because it’s all that we are given.. crumbs and leftovers fallen from the bounty of man’s world.

It’s man’s world..

Don’t be fooled girls.. don’t be fooled as words are easy to say..and charities are games to play.. and all the world is a stage in.. A man’s world.

Sensitive

 

Love is so painful and raw; no matter how down-to-earth I try to be I cannot help but be swept off my feet..

sensitive

My heart is tender and compassionate and so my passions run free towards sentimentalities..

sensitive

This sensuousness in me stimulates me to deliciousness and it brings me to my knees..

sensitive

So much pleasure brings so much pain but I cannot help but love the sweet punishment that it brings..

sensitive

Exposed, open and bare, ravished by a a hunger that leaves me famished I am engorged for more..

sensitive

There is no rational, no lucid or logical for I am sensual, captivating, eager and willing for the taking..

I am sensitive

I am deep, and awaiting penetrating of his piercing, sharp gaze into my soul he breaks though my defenses..

sensitive

My fragrance is the essence; carnal surrender as I give the core, the thrust towards the sweetness within..

sensitive

I am overwhelmed and overwhelming by the breathtaking way  he plunges in with resolute desire  to enslave..

sensitive

He descends and submerges in his urges as I shiver with pure concentrated pain that becomes my pleasure..

sensitive

And as I quiet, as I sink into the bliss he begins again to take with earnestness what is oh so juicy and tender..

sensitive

I made it all up

 

I made you what I needed you to be..

But it was all my own make-believe..

I told myself that you were like a living daydream or a falling star..

So I could get through another day..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I made you into my Prince Charming; so disarming my fears..

So that I could have this Never,Never Land inside my head..

I needed to lie to myself so I could get bye..

I didn’t want cry and cry..so I..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I lived in fancy place inside my head..

I made you my saving grace to save face..

I didn’t want to face the truth..

That world is cruel full of cruel ones like you..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I needed to spend time in this magic place just for while..

I enjoyed the magic spells that cast even though they didn’t last..

I just needed a rest from the real world..

But eventually reality found you and me..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

Just go away

 

Just go away

I am not gonna play your stupid games..

Don’t pretend that you care just because you want to sleep with me..

Just go away

Find some other girl who wants to play..

Find some else who will believe your lies..

Just go away

I know you will never love me, you have no feelings for me..

I know you just want to get laid..

Just go away

I am not gonna see you through rose colored glasses..

I am not gonna make you out to be who I want you to be..

Just go away

I know you will say whatever it takes to get with me..

I know you want to break down my walls just to take..

Just go away

You will never give me your heart..

You will never be true..

Just go away

I have been down this road before..

I have had many play these games..

Just go away

I am lonely and my heart is tender..

I am dreamer and I am sensitive but not desperate..

Just go way

I am not going to play

I am so sorry

 

I am so sorry for the harsh words that I said in anger..

I am so sorry for the way I looked at you when I was mad..

It wasn’t even your fault but the words spit out like hot burning coals of fire..

I forgot myself and I fell into the deepest pit of my humanity.. so many mistakes I made, when I should of caught myself.. there is no excuse for hurting you..

And to see you crying because of the words I used with abandon and abuse..

I am so sorry..

I adore you .. and when I hurt you I hurt myself too.. you are the other half of my heart.. the reason that I breath.. please don’t leave..

The thought of loosing you because I lost my cool is more than I can bear.. I can’t spare one single day without you here..

Please ,, please forgive me… I am so sorry..

I humble myself.. I am on my knees.. begging you to please see I was just in pain and acting out that way was my release..

I am so sorry..

I hit the bottom now.. not knowing if you will forgive me baby..

I am so sorry..

How could I hurt such a warm and tender heart.. you’r so devoted and so caring.. I was hateful and so mean, please.. please forgive my brutality..

I am so sorry..

I am lucid now that the heat has cooled in me and I comprehend that I need to mend this rift between you and me..

I am so sorry..

I am so blessed to have you dear.. you are priceless and I cherish this love so much so that I can admit I was wrong..

I am so sorry..

Baby please forgive me

Until love finds away

 

I will do my very best; put on my pink dress until love finds away

I will love myself and everything all around until love finds away

I will make make beauty out of ugliness until love finds away

I will soar with the doves to heaven above until love finds away

I will be like a child and go outside and play until love finds away

I will adore all that I see with child like eyes until love finds way

I will be grateful for all that have until love finds away

I will seek health and happiness until love finds away

I am going to be just sweet little me until love finds away

I am putting on my make up and flowers in my hair until love finds away

I will be sweet, kind and gracious until love finds away

I will be all that love seeks so that love will find away

All I ever wanted..

 

All I ever wanted was your heart

The diamonds, the sapphires, rubies and sparkly things couldn’t fill my arms ..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Just sit and stay with me; talk with me and walk with me and hold me closely ..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I wasn’t like the rest; I really was looking out for your best..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I didn’t need the big parties; I didn’t want everyone to see the things you bought for me..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Sit with me by the hearth; in your arms I have everything I have ever wanted..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I know you worked so hard to show the world what a man you are..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I didn’t need the fancy gowns or a golden crown or the crowds..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I was the one that waited alone in our bed for you to finally come and rest your head..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Oh I how I cried and cried and cried when you just would walk on bye..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I would beg and I would plead “Baby please stay a while with me..”

All I ever wanted was your heart

Now time has gone bye and we are far apart..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Links