Archive for January, 2015

Just be yourself..

 

 

 

 

It’s so simplistic; something we are told to be from grade school and up .. yet so difficult to do.

People project their insecurities onto you; but also we learn through other’s, being our mirrors where our strengths and weaknesses are.. the difficult part is figuring out which is which.

The only way to be successful in life is to take responsibility for yourself; your issues and weaknesses. Taking responsibility leads us to possibilities; the possibilities lead us down the right path to success and discoveries. But unfortunately we  have to go through the trial and error process; or learning it the hard way. Learning the hard way is the best way, the most painful way seems to nail home the lessons.

My lesson has been that I have been attempting to promote a controversial book;  the controversy of educating the public about the sexual repression of women by religion, by stepping out of the paradigm by being sexually liberated and by expressing this feminine sexual liberation in my book and on this site, I have exposed the lack of it in society. Simply I have learned that I cannot function within the paradigm .. ( that is also within the media or business world ) since I am setting up or living within the new or more functional paradigm. My lesson is that it was silly to try. How could I have thought even for a second that I could be in that world when I am basically not of that world..but attempting to lead or show that world the way to the new society.. a world of true equality? Since women who are sexual or sensual are not to be taken seriously, seen as immoral or even evil in the old existing paradigm I am not justifiable. Until my book or message hit mainstream media or it is somehow excepted in mass it and I will remain on the fringes of society..

You see society says ” be yourself just not that way”

And so to stand my ground ..to just be myself.. I have to be by myself.. to see myself through my own eyes.. not to allow the old paradigm concepts of behaviors drag me down into the old and dysfunctional. To truly love myself and to have others in anyway accept me I have to totally accept and love me. So now I am flying solo.

This time of being just with myself is a time of great introspection .. a time to sort through the recent past.. to keep the lessons that were mine and to let go of the lessons that belong to others.. that were projected onto me by them.. it’s a unpacking..an organizing of the heart, mind and soul.. time to lighten the load.. let go of what has held me back.. find the doors that are locked shut.. to move onto open doors that maybe available now or in the near future..

When someone is being or doing something dramatically different they are usually pushed to the fringes of society out of fear and ignorance.. it is my responsibility to accept this for what it is..and to do my best to make the best of it.

My weakness has been to bash my head against doors that will not open.. my strength has been to dare to do so..

But now it is time to quietly gaze within.. to quiet my own fears.. to relax and wait upon the still voice that speaks in silent places..

I will just be myself now..

Just another bad date…

 

It started out well enough..

We met at a local coffee shoppe.. I liked his eyes.. his smile.. he was very intelligent.. intellectual actually.. clean.. presentable.. and he looked at me with appreciation .. like he was very attracted to me..

We stood in the line-up for a while talking.. It was great.. but then when he paid from my chai tea.. he complained to the girl about the cost.. then as we went to pic up or teas at the other end.. he asked exactly how much mine cost vs his.. then jokingly complained again about me being expensive..then he complained again! ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this you sound cheap..and it’s rude)

We then found a table of his choice.. as he wanted to sit at the table were he was closer to me.. I wanted the comfy arm chairs..

Then he told me about how much he liked my book.. but then he went on about how bad the photography was compared to what he could do.. ( even though when reading my book it was clearly stated that I kept the images imperfect so that every woman could relate as The Goddess) he stated he knew that but he wanted to see ” Better” images of me..and that clearly I could model for better pictures.. I suppose this could be taken as a complement yet it was not a complement, towards the work and meaning of my writing.. Then he showed me the models on his phone that he had taken images of.. then he told me which ones he had .. had sex with during the shoots ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this..as this is clearly in poor taste.. he may of being trying to impress me with the quality of women that he could get to sleep with him, but I found it rude and it grossed me out.. not mention very unprofessional) He told me he could do better images of me.. and would I pay him to do them or make some sort of trade for them..I told him I don’t sleep with men for favors… to make that quite clear…and put on the spot I told him I would think about it…

He then went in to his veganism.. he was very passionate about this.. and during the discussion ( there really wasn’t a discussion) he became very condescending .. he started to talk to me as if I was a small ignorant child when I questioned him about his facts.. when I asked him about soya protein and it’s health issues and then asked him were he got his protein he became very defensive and very annoyed with me.. even angry.. When I told him I believed that animals were being farmed unethically .. and that I agreed with hunting for food.. and clean ethical kills.. and free-range and organics.. he asked me would I think it was OK if someone raped and murdered me? That one shocked me!

He told me a deer isn’t food for a mountain lion.. that it wasn’t put on this earth to be hunted and killed by other animals..when I told him animals eat meat.. I asked him about the ecosystem ? The nature of life and cycles and such things.. I told him your asking nature to rearrange it’s self towards your theories.. asked him what he thought of that? He became more defensive and clung to his studies and theories. I told him I wasn’t dismissing what he was saying only attempting to discuss science, evolution, nutrition, nature, the animal kingdom, instincts.. etc.. and that I was open to what he was saying only that we should always look at things with objectification.. I asked to change the subject.. he wouldn’t change the subject.. I asked him if he did this with all of his dates.. if he was trying to convert them to veganism? He then became even more frustrated and decided he had other things to do… but prior he had planned to spend the entire afternoon with me.. but I was glad that he had other things to do now. I didn’t loose my temper once.. but I found myself counting to 10-30-60 at times.. I was so controlled..

So we ended the coffee date early ( thank GOD!) As I walked away from him I was like sooooooo glad to get away.. I thought to myself ” WTF was that?!?”

I walked away wide -eyed in disbelieve of my fucking luck on dating..

Then I went on a long drive down a country road..and stopped at my favorite place by the lake ..and looked at the deer poop and thought.. “if I was going to be eaten for meat.. just free range me like the deer ok..then one clean shot..and we are good..”

But nature is what nature is.. mankind just has a responsibility to treat animals with respect like other animals treat other animals with respect.. it’s like ” You go about your business.. like your life in your natural state..and then we will do what nature does..but respect the freedom of the life we have while we have it”

After that I went to the grocery store and got myself some free range organic steak.. and then the health food store to get my whey powder and protein bars..

So ya.. he may not be a Christian fundamentalist and claims to detest religion..

So he doesn’t want a good Christian Girl..but he needs a good Vegan Girl who will do as she is told..

And that isn’t me..

So glad I am home alone..

Entrepreneur .. what I learned about failure

 

 

 

I have failed in attempting to promote my book in my home town of Kelowna BC Canada..

The first thing I learned …what I am made of; I am very tenacious, resilient, and determined. I went through incredible hardships doing my best to bash through social prejudice, sexism and bigotry put upon women’s sexuality. I learned that I am pretty strong.

I don’t think my approach would of mattered. Given the subject matter of the book; given that I am topless in the photography and that I candidly wrote about women’s sexuality and used my own sexuality in the book as an example.. I don’t think I could of approached anyone differently in my community .. or by approaching them differently would I have seen other results. By what I have been through I can see by a couple of years experience that these prejudices and sexisms are very well established in our society.. and they are..

1. To be taken seriously as a professional don’t publish topless images of yourself. But it’s ok to publish them of other women if that is your profession

2. You must have a degree to be taken seriously

4. You must know someone or many people within the professional and arts community to be given any help or press releases

5. You must be a part of a networking click to be acceptable

6. To talk about, write about, be about your sexuality as a woman, you are asking for harassment, bullying and to be shut out.

I failed by not knowing my society. I failed because I was childish in my perspective of others. I failed because I underestimated how conservative and repressed my local society is.

Looking back at what I know now; I wouldn’t of even attempted to retain some ground or a speaking platform in my city. I wouldn’t of put myself through such grief, pain and suffering.

I would simply of kept my work online and kept myself away from all of the ignorance.

I was given a wonderful opportunity from Chapters in Kelowna to have my book put in the local authors section. But looking back now, now, that none of them sold since the book signing and so the contract has been cancelled..but looking back now I wouldn’t of even attempted that.. as Kelowna is clearly not my market.

I know that if I did become successful by chance by promoting my book online; Kelowna would fully accept me..but I will not be accepted by Kelowna in any other way..

So the biggest lesson was to know my market.. but I honestly couldn’t of foreseen the intense prejudice in Kelowna without having directly experienced it myself..and it truly does blow my mind.

I have learned how naive and unsophisticated I am .. I was like a child in creating my book and dream.. like a child in expecting that I had equal rights..that I actually had freedom of expression as an artist in the first world.. instead I found that I dredged up what was at the very undercurrents of western society..and that is we haven’t really come that far at all since the 1950s as far as equality and women’s rights ..or for the rights of minorities in general..

I have learned this is truly why my book is needed..and why a new organization or society needs to take up root..so that we can truly live in our supposed freedoms and equalities ..

Even though I am sad at my failure and that I haven’t experienced any form of success in Kelowna.. I am proud of myself for working as hard as I have worked at it over the last couple of years..

By God what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger..and you sure learn.

 

Purchase my book The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine off Amazon.ca

Follow me on Facebook and Youtube..and here on my blog.

My mind is full..and it runneth over

 

Have you ever tried to see yourself outside of yourself? Have you ever tried to solve a problem with the solution? How do you begin with the end? Have you ever attempted to soar so high above your own identity that you were able to see the great big, grand scheme of the Universal plan of intelligent order outside of the human perspective?

Does your brain hurt yet by these questions?

Do you really think that the life your living today will really matter 100 years from now..? How about 1000 years from now? And does it even really matter? What makes it matter? I think it is just changing things for the better.. like quality of life for all living things.. for future living things.. but to be able to make that ripple in the order of things one has to be aware of what causes the quality or over all functioning of life to be stunted, harmed or even plunging towards it’s own demise .. or am I digressing.. or is digressing the answer or the solution .. or is it even really a problem…because what if it is meant to be that life as we know it has to end so that a new life or way of being can be birthed.. or is this more thoughtful digression.. needless to say I have lost about 50% of my readers who cannot be bothered to go this deep.. so onto another topic that sorta links up to this topic.. just down grading a bit to common everyday life problems.. that is how to  change a society that is rowing merrily down it’s own stream of dysfunctional patterns ..

And so it is that I was having a cup of chia tea ..with almond milk at a local coffee shop with a local guy friend talking about our local society..and about my book and this website, through these writings.. me attempting to change society or put a positive ding in the Universe by educating people towards sexual equality.. women’s rights, sexual maturity, sexual repression though religion, arts, the science of psychology ( the study of how people think ) and the sociology ( the study of social behaviours and organizations ) We talked about how I wasn’t accepted or seen as acceptable by our local society because I dared to ” Put it out there” or to bring any of my new readers up to speed.. I published topless pictures of me in my book to show freedom of women’s sexuality or a mature sexuality by being a Goddess or Goddesses in my book through the writing and imagery. What I did was become what was considered to be unacceptable by society to prove the prejudices and social immaturities by society towards women’s natural sexuality…but by doing this I became un-networkable by organizations based upon outdated beliefs and patterns that no longer function to create a stable environment for all the members of society.. or more than %50 whom are women and their children. What is really an irony is that I have been told by these organizations including arts councils that they must protect children in our society from me and my book or the sexual content of the work.. when it is the children who will benefit the most from the change the work could promote for future generations.. sexual shaming or an immaturity towards sexuality is something that is socialized into children from birth into adulthood.. but the problem is if the adults are steeped into this dysfunctional perspective towards a natural and healthy sexuality ..then how can we break this cycle for future generations?

And so he asked me ” Will you show up to any of the networking and arts events to show them that they don’t own you?” my answer ” There isn’t any point in speaking to a def crowd. Putting myself in a positions to be further abused and bullied by those fearful and lacking in maturity towards me and my message would be self abuse. There wouldn’t be any ground to be made, and it would do the opposite towards me standing my ground as it would only depress me. ” Do not cast your pearls upon swine ” is a biblical saying that holds ancient wisdom.. or ” he who hath an ear let him hear.. he who hath an eye let him see” They have no ear to listen and no awareness to see.. to go to those meetings would be futile.”

So how does one change a society that is steeped in the trenches of deep dysfunction towards seeing women’s sexual freedom as dangerous, sinful and immoral? How does one break out of the cage of conformity?Were is the key? Who is the jailer? These questions are answered in my book… it will take many women to step up and out to break down the walls of conformity..but I haven’t found these women in my local community.. I have found the opposite.. those who are afraid of change or who are so unaware they are not even aware of their captivity through the shame imposed upon their sexuality,, they are ignorant..

Looking at the book in marketable terms.. it isn’t marketable in Canada as Canadian society is highly Christian conservative.. meaning that the book and the sexuality of the Goddess Movement is highly repressed and miss understood by the ignorance of sin placed upon the wombs of women.. or that a conservative society sees that the virtue of society balances upon the sexual morality of women..and that morality is based upon a society that is over 2000 years in the past..and so it is Canada hasn’t evolved past those patterns of thinking and behaving. The book is marketable in the United States .. in places like New York and California that are much more progressive; but I am unable to travel because my young children are in public school and I cannot afford it.. I have done my best to network online but this venue is saturated ..it’s like being in a crowed subway screaming over masses of people trying to be heard 200 ft away..

And so here we are down to earth again..swimming in the deepest depths of the problems and the issues.. so was the solution to the problem never to attempt such a feat of change in the first place? Were the components to the problem to varied and complex? Did we get lost in equating the equation? Because the unknown variable or X amounts to = ignorance..and so here were are again back to the beginning .. shall we wipe the board clean and try again.. or was the solution the problem?

I digress and my mind is full and it runneth over once again…

I Dream of Buddha

I have had a very difficult few days promoting my book online. I have been called many names, and I have learned of lies and gossip spread about me; and I have learned of those believing the lies instead of listening to the truth. I have been directly contacted and told by some how horrible I am. How I am pretty but it is a shame that I am so negative. I am negative for telling the truth about those who have discriminated against me. I have been told I am an unhappy person in denial by those in denial of the truth of their own behaviors, actions/in-actions towards me. Many allow the discrimination by turning a blind eye to it, because to admit that it is happening would mean they would have to do something about it. They don’t want to help me because it would disrupt their comfort and positions in society..

I experienced a huge range of emotions.. from hopelessness, sorrow, shock, anger and then my in my conscious defense ( humor ) humor to fight the ignorance and stupidity.

Last night before falling asleep I asked the Universe or the Divine for a dream to help guide me or to help me.. this is called lucid dreaming. I have been able to lucid dream since I was a child; but I am not always answered by the Divine or Universal Energy.. but I was last night.. I am finding as my struggle with society begins to become even more heated that I feel the presence of the I AM.. with me directly. The dream I had last night almost feels miraculous ….

” I sat still and motionless on the lily pad.. I was the small green fog. I was still within the pod.. I floated without effort..I was the lily pad. I quietly opened to the sun..as my petals peeled back one by one and my fragrance filled the air.. I was the lily. The light breathed through me.. I carried it with in me.. I was the air. I burned my warmth forth without effort.. I was the sun. I looked within.. I was in everything; I wasn’t trying, I just was.. the Buddha.” ~ The Dream

I hope you can see the beautiful humility in the words. Humility is the greatest force of The Divine.. it is only through humility that we find the God/Goddess within us. It is only through humility that we are able to see through or own egos and the egos of others..

The Buddha didn’t speak to me but spoke through me and through the peace of tranquility .. The Buddha carried both the masculine and the feminine in my dream… this represented balance again..or the still center. In my dream the Buddha was blue.. this is the color of truth.. and the Buddha was showing me it’s eye wide open.. it was the color of tropical waters or turquoise.. the spiritual meaning of turquoise is peace.. meditation, mediation, protection, comfort, calm, stillness, healing.. turquoise is the color of basic truth and deep wisdom.

The Buddha was telling me that I am dealing with ego’s that are steeped in illusions .. My society and all society is mesh of illusions projected by ego.. the emotions of these egos.. or their projected perceptions of how they see themselves and how they see the world is being projected onto me..as they attempt to label me to fit me into their illusions. I am provoking their response by not allowing myself or them to tangle me up in their illusions.. to be my truth or the truth is highly offensive to them..as their illusions give them great comfort, status, wealth or prestige in society..the only way for them to find Nirvana was for the Buddha to find Nirvana.. by seeking only the truth past illusion or ego..

If I were to accept their illusion.. I would be crushed by it.. as they seem to have to put me into the victim role for them to excuse themselves from their own dysfunctional attitudes and behavior… and that has been denial of their own egos..

And so it is that I find Nirvana.. by seeing the truth.. for truth ..by the stillness and humility of internal balance.. meditation.. by being the Buddha within all things..

And so it is that this dream brought me peace, protection, tranquility..and the power to keep being the truth.

{ 3 things cannot be hidden long;

The sun

The moon

The truth } ~~ Buddha

Dreaming of my God

This is an actual dream recall.. I had this dream a few nights ago but it hasn’t left me.. in understanding or symbols this dream speaks to my soul.. and that is why it stays with me in waking life;  it has risen from deep inside of my subconscious; or the parts of my mind that I am unaware of into my wakeful mind, this is why these dream stay with us.. they are parts of us that have become aware. This dream is about balance within me; as much as it is about the romance, love and type of relationship that I seek in my life.. this dream is a dream of beauty.. it starts as such..

 

“I was swimming nude in a crystal clear pool.. as I floated and stroked through the water blissfully, I noticed the Greek columns reaching into the blue sky above me.. a happy sky filled with white fully soft clouds. The sun was just rising and the moon was just setting…and so they created a picture of balance.. gold and silver.. night and day..the stars danced between them..they twinkled as if singing. The doves made soft music..the eagles swooped..and the peacocks spread their feathers for pure delight.. The white marble of the deep pool was veined with silver and gold.. everything was pure and crisp.. perfection and bliss. Apollo’s Temple was built into the mountain side.. earth and sky presented themselves in all their glory and splendor..

And then I felt him.. he had reached for me through liquid diamonds.. I felt his energy in the water like lightning, but it didn’t burn me.. but inflamed my passions. His touch brought me life as he pulled me to him.. His strength and protection, the feeling of his flesh mingled with mine brought me comfort and with that a deep love. But this was a love of minds meeting on equal measure; a passion met by both equally. I knew him past words, because not one was spoken but the knowing of each other was complete.. it was completion. There was no need for competition between us.. for my weaknesses were met by his strengths and my strengths met his weaknesses..we were one. We completed the other..but separate we were complete..

We floated effortlessly on the surface of the deep clear water.. as the clouds dropped the nectar of the gods upon us.. giving us wisdom through sacred love.. we held hands as we looked up at the stars and Apollo blessed us.. with hope..and the stars sang of heaven.. the scent of roses and spice filled our senses..and the doves and the eagles soared up to the heavens.” ~ The Dream

The imagery of the dream.. the pool represents cleansing and being crystal clear.. the gold, silver, sun, moon, doves and eagles represent the balance of the feminine and masculine in myself and outside of myself.. the peacock represents royalty and passion but also the all seeing eye or third eye,,or the dream it’s self..the inner vision.. the temple of Apollo represents reaching for your dreams or even the dream it’s self.. the magic in the dream is the representations of the divinity in the dream or the dream it’s self being of divine origin or being sacred..and so it is that I myself see through a sacred lens..

In a prophetic sense.. it could be that I have or that I am manifesting my soul mate..

Looking at it in a practical sense..I have found left and right brain balance.

I like to look at this dream on all of these levels of understanding.. knowledge and wisdom..

Men and women are different..but if they are non competitive they can create a bonding and strengthening relationship by respecting and upholding the differences of the sexes.

 

Longing for him…

I didn’t write the post below.. it’s a facebook post that I just copied and pasted. I just love it.. it speaks my heart and I am sure the heart of many women who have done their internal work.. it’s exactly how I feel. So many people shame women for wanting to have a relationship when they are single. And so many people who are in long term relationships or marriages have advice to give.. most of the time they don’t know what the fuck they are talking about.

I am happy to share this with you..I take no credit at all.. follow the links to find the page on facebook..

I hope I find him or he finds me..I hope you find the love that you desire too <3

 

So fucking beautiful

WANTING A MAN, BUT WILLING TO WAIT</p>
<p>I'm tired of feeling 'less than' because I desire a man in my life. I refuse to let someone tell me it's weak, needy, or pathetic to desire a partner.  </p>
<p>I don't want to raise my kids alone.  I don't want to sleep alone. I don't want to 'own' my orgasm or to be touched by my own hands more than I want to share the experience with a magnificent partner.</p>
<p>I want to crawl into bed after a long day and melt into my man. I want to breathe him in, feel his strong arms wrapped around me, touch his body and know I am safe. Not just physically safe because he's bigger and stronger then me, but emotionally safe too. </p>
<p>There is strength in a partnership. To feel supported, heard, acknowledged and valued. There is opportunity for growth when you are challenged and shown a different point of view. There's nothing wrong with wanting that. Why would admitting I want to share my experience of life make me any less of a woman?  If I'm guilty of anything, it's not feeling ok to acknowledge my truth for fear of appearing weak, needy or like I alone am not enough.</p>
<p>I've done my work. I've fallen in love with myself and I love myself first. I recognize my value and I think I'm pretty fantastic. I know my strengths and I'm working on my weaknesses. I don't feel like I need someone to complete me - because I'm already complete, but I DO want to share my life with someone. </p>
<p>Someone I can laugh with, cry with, dream with, create a beautiful life with, raise a family with, begin traditions that will last decades with, be physically and emotionally naked with. I want to feel excited in the morning when I roll over and see his face. I want to feel absolutely blessed each night when his lips meet mine in our goodnight kiss moments before we fall asleep.</p>
<p>I crave a man I trust completely. A man who's living his purpose and stands firm in his truth with intensity and courage.</p>
<p>I desire to love and be loved in a level I know exists but haven't experienced yet. I want to be desired, fucked, claimed, chosen, taken and experienced by a man who can't get enough of me. I want to fully surrender to a man I completely trust. I want to open all parts of me, specially those parts that have been damaged, hurt, closed off and hidden away for so long. </p>
<p>I don't want to have to protect my heart, I want to let go of my fear. I want to feel safe and find a man worthy of my heart. I want to be the woman who is worthy of his. </p>
<p>Am I willing to wait for a conscious man? Absolutely. Will I enjoy each day until he's in my life? Yes. But I'm going to allow myself to open up and say, ‘This is the kind of man I want and desire.'</p>
<p>Jenn ❤️</p>
<p>Join the conversation here:<br />
http://www.facebook.com/groups/1488651694707587

WANTING A MAN, BUT WILLING TO WAIT

I’m tired of feeling ‘less than’ because I desire a man in my life. I refuse to let someone tell me it’s weak, needy, or pathetic to desire a partner.

I don’t want to raise my kids alone. I don’t want to sleep alone. I don’t want to ‘own’ my orgasm or to be touched by my own hands more than I want to share the experience with a magnificent partner.

I want to crawl into bed after a long day and melt into my man. I want to breathe him in, feel his strong arms wrapped around me, touch his body and know I am safe. Not just physically safe because he’s bigger and stronger then me, but emotionally safe too.

There is strength in a partnership. To feel supported, heard, acknowledged and valued. There is opportunity for growth when you are challenged and shown a different point of view. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. Why would admitting I want to share my experience of life make me any less of a woman? If I’m guilty of anything, it’s not feeling ok to acknowledge my truth for fear of appearing weak, needy or like I alone am not enough.

I’ve done my work. I’ve fallen in love with myself and I love myself first. I recognize my value and I think I’m pretty fantastic. I know my strengths and I’m working on my weaknesses. I don’t feel like I need someone to complete me – because I’m already complete, but I DO want to share my life with someone.

Someone I can laugh with, cry with, dream with, create a beautiful life with, raise a family with, begin traditions that will last decades with, be physically and emotionally naked with. I want to feel excited in the morning when I roll over and see his face. I want to feel absolutely blessed each night when his lips meet mine in our goodnight kiss moments before we fall asleep.

I crave a man I trust completely. A man who’s living his purpose and stands firm in his truth with intensity and courage.

I desire to love and be loved in a level I know exists but haven’t experienced yet. I want to be desired, fucked, claimed, chosen, taken and experienced by a man who can’t get enough of me. I want to fully surrender to a man I completely trust. I want to open all parts of me, specially those parts that have been damaged, hurt, closed off and hidden away for so long.

I don’t want to have to protect my heart, I want to let go of my fear. I want to feel safe and find a man worthy of my heart. I want to be the woman who is worthy of his.

Am I willing to wait for a conscious man? Absolutely. Will I enjoy each day until he’s in my life? Yes. But I’m going to allow myself to open up and say, ‘This is the kind of man I want and desire.’

Jenn 

Join the conversation here:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/1488651694707587

Bridget Jones & Me

 

To tell you the truth of I am more of a nerdy writer.. ok I do have those wonderful moments when I do feel like a Goddess.. but the nerdy writer stays with me more frequently. My love life is much like Bridget’s was in the movie.. well actually much worse.. she got more action than I ever have. But those bad boys are everywhere and so I have learned to stay away from those charmers just the same as she learned the hard way. Just like her I feel much like a freak/geek in crowds.. I am not and never have been one of the cool kids.. I am one of those artsy weird kids. I am very innocent like her.. I expect people to be who they say they are because I am who I say I am.. but of course just like her I get screwed over for it..

It took a lot of courage from me to do my Youtube videos and it still does.. sometimes they are a bit of a rush.. but I hate. HATE. TOTALLY HATE watching myself .. and I have to..to play them back ..to make sure they are done properly.. when I sing or do erotic dance in my videos I cringe watching them. It’s not that I don’t love myself it’s just hard putting myself out there like that in a hard cruel world ..were you know people are going to pick you apart.. to pieces literally..feels like torture.. and don’t we as women do that to ourselves enough..like I or any other woman needs help with that.

I honestly don’t get men most of the time. I have male friends and I get them on a pure friendship level ( NO SEX ) but as soon as there is a hint of romance or sexual tension things get screwy.. I cannot tell if a guy I have a crush on likes me back.. unless he is very, very direct about it.. because I get all sensitive and stupid.. all screwed up.

Doing the photography for my book was easy because it was me and 2 female photographers.. it was like being in the gym change room naked around women.. big whoop..it felt natural and comfortable..but publishing the photography for my book was a mind-bending trip and it still is.. but I did it for good cause.. to help other women accept themselves,,, flaws and and all. Yes it is hard..it’s always going to be hard..because the person we are hardest on is ourselves..and other people can be such assholes.

The real me; is the little girl Bridget at the end of the movie.. the one that eats cake with her bare hands.. stuffs it right in her face and runs around naked and innocent swimming naked in the pool..

It takes a lot for me to ( put it out there ) it’s actually quite painful.. it really is.. but if I don’t do it other women will not do it..and then we will have a world promoting plastic beauty and inequality of the sexes forever..so someone had to do it..so I did it..

For those reading me for the first time my name is Gracie Ackerman.. you can google me to find me on Youtube and Facebook..and other online profiles.. my book is available on Amazon.ca

The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine

But this is me.. just like Bridget..sitting in my PJs with my fluffy pink slippers on ..picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth.. thinking ” Glad there isn’t a man that can see this now”

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