A touch of madness as he smiles slyly to the side.. looking over his shoulder and I don’t know why.. and then he cries.. as the blood paints the moon.. a ride, a tide of rawness, make vulnerable brute force.. a contradiction, paradox.. a question answered with a question only leading to more questions that have no answers.. a chest of mystery.. red washed in passion and shame.. unspoken broken dreams..shattered hearts..brought together,.. repelling ..and then compelling .. magnetic pleasure and pain.. his expression masked then it falls and I see what he hides… or do I …
When the blood hits the moon.. when the blood hits the moon..
He tells me nothing, while meaning everything.. nothing matters making everything so plain… as there isn’t a tomorrow, the night is day..and what was sane is really crazy or is there no definition to anything.. and then he touches me .. I listen to his heartbeat from the inside.. mighty but exposed, protected but defenseless because I know the unknown.. but yet the thickness of the walls uphold .. the ultra-sensitive genius .. the caul..the mark of the mad, or is it the wise old soul.. the heart trembles as the blood rushes home..
When the blood fever takes hold.. when the blood fever takes hold..
I try to speak but no words can I make as his nakedness presses against mine, and entwined we become nothing at all but seeing more than what we can comprehend .. we forget everything we have ever known..but blood and wine, pleasure and pain, beauty in the brutality of sweet things left alone.. unopened gifts, and mysteries, things yet to be discovered.. to not know them, but the taste is so sweet, and the heartache so bitter, so bitter to know the honey that dwells there in.. there in the nightmare, the hellish places lives a thrill that makes me cry out.. and the tears release the pressure of heart about to explode..
Blood on the moon.. Blood on the moon..
The intensity gravitates us to the emancipation of the soul.. blood and bone.. bruised fruit.. ripened with fear..the emotions exposed..the juice flows and drips.. gushes forth..laughter on his lips.. the potion the poison and the elixir..to drive out the demons.. lovely demons.. the voices that speak quietly when no one listens.. playing games and tickling the lips of words not spoken.. closing in ..a heart again.. mushy and raw..pulp and all.. sometimes the decay is so sweet as it creates the wine that we drink.. it down.. the poison that cures it all.. all but the madness of the blood red moon..
I wasn’t expecting him.. the tall dark man.. but when I saw him I knew him before I knew his name, before I heard his voice or saw the darkness in his eyes. I he was the watcher; watching other humans preform their mating dances, playing out their unconscious dynamics.. and I saw him amused and detached .. just watching and knowing .. like another self in a different form.. another watcher..
He was like the wolf ..the lone black wolf that I stumbled upon in the dark shady forest, in the fall, close to Halloween, the wolf and I …..we knew each other, watched each other, felt each other, knowing we were the same. We were the watchers, the wanderers ..to sensitive to follow the pack, to move in large social circles.. the heart so sweet and sensitive that it must be protected in the most brutal of ways.. seeking out a brutal path .. one of dark lonely nights, seeking a struggle to hide from the waves of over emotions.. to hide from the cruelties of others… it is better to brave it alone.. to howl at the sweet coldness of the moon.. to set up camp on the dark side.. where other’s dare not follow.. him and I …and the wolf..the watchers.
And when he came close.. standing next to me.. pressing his strong thighs against my strong thighs.. he talked in my ear and I knew what he said before he said it.. we hunted each other.. saw the same hunger him and I like the wolf and I … the beast in the beast hiding the beauty behind mange and claw… teeth bared in fangs.. to hide the sweetness of bleeding hearts.. I felt his breath and I knew he wanted to consume me and be consumed by me.. to consume each other’s pain..to dare to feel the surrender.. to bleed against each other.. wolf and wolf.. we watched the humans play their silly social games… the watchers watching..
Then he owned me.. and he marked me with his eyes on fire with a desire so potent if felt like a blade against my mind.. his mind so sharp, like fresh new steel.. like the strength in his thigh against mine.. he matched wit for my wit.. eye for an eye..tooth for a tooth and claw for claw.. me and the beast.. and the beast in me..
I wasn’t expecting him… walking along the same lonely path..seeking the journey, the moon..the darkness.. the shady places were no one would find us..the wild, the primitive.. untamed… bleeding hearts.. protected with the mask of brutality… until meeting one of the same kind…
Knowing we may wander together for but a little while..not knowing how far, or where or how.. to what place.. or to what end.. not even the moon knows ….the path it simply unfolds
I am really mad at myself.. because I fell into a mental and emotional trap .. the trap of slut shaming. When I first put up my website and published my book a couple of years ago.. well I was a freer spirit. It was like the fools leap, child’s play, art with absolute abandon.. much like I am in the bedroom, playful, passionate, affectionate and very physical. I am an intellectual, I am experimental and very open minded.. but silly little me I didn’t take into account how many people in my local community are exactly the opposite of me; and I hadn’t really socialized with anyone in my local professional community to know what a bunch of fake and repressed bunch they all are.. and so once I attempted to network within that community I was quickly give a BAD REP.. like they didn’t even know me personally but because I was topless on my blog and because I was talking candidly and openly about sexuality.. I was instant white trash, laughable slut material to them.. to make a long story short it all rubbed off on me.. like invisible blood spatter.. pretty soon I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually downing in this shame.. that wasn’t even mine.. and it began to sink in subconsciously .. after a sexual encounter with a local popular and wealthy business man..who afterwards sexually shamed me by telling me he couldn’t socialize with me but only have sex with me privately… I plunged into celibacy.. like it was over 2 years of being closed off physically and emotionally to men because of him..and the business community. And so I told myself, I was protecting my heart, and I was, but I was also making excuses for not facing my fears.. and my fear was them.. whoever they are.. there are so many of them.. putting their religious and flaky spiritual beliefs into my head and onto my body.. saying to me sex has to be within this or that context or you are nothing more than a slut.. like an animal to be dehumanized by us..and they did just that. And I suppose I must have believed them.. as I purified my blog, taking topless pictures of myself down, deleting blog post, and being sexless myself. It wasn’t me .. that isn’t me. I am not that person; they are, they feared me and so they imposed those fears onto me..becoming my jailers.. that is what happened..and I wasn’t strong enough to stand up until now.
A young man kissed me.. or I kissed him.. and he awakened me.. I was frozen so, cold .. I was deadened.. after he kissed me I verbally said ” Thank you” it was like my subconscious said it.. ” Thank you, thank you for freeing me, thank you for igniting my fire… thank you ”
And I came to realize that sex is pro choice.. that it is my body, it is my sexuality, even when I am sharing my body with another, it is mine. No one has a right to tell me my sexuality or me having sex with anyone else is bad.. even if I write about my sexual experiences in great detail,, if they don’t like it they can fucking move on, they can fuck off. How is it hurting them? Oh they think they can judge me or others as demoralizing society by owning my own body? Wtf? So they think they own the rights to my sexuality? They think that I have to wait for love and marriage or I am whore? Fuckem! I am a beautiful sexual woman, I am not going to stay in a frozen purified state, and shrivel up and die waiting for the right guy to come along.. and what is the right guy? And how the fuck does love start to begin with..but with a healthy dose of LUST..and who says I cannot just want lust for awhile..who says? Prudes that’s who says, people afraid of being free themselves who wish they were as free as I am .. or people with little to no sex drive who wish they has my appeal and stamina.. well that’s their fucking problem isn’t it.. ya it is!
It doesn’t make me shallow, or selfish to want to explore my sexuality with a younger man ( be a cougar ) can if I want to! And when I meet someone I want to be in a long term relationship regardless of his age…can if I want to.
And I know this for sure.. if I was a old lady out of her sexual prime… that had Dr.. in front of my name ( clinical and sterile ) no one in Canada would have an issue with me being about sexuality .. but because I am hot and sexy I am a threat to society.. that is fucking stupid..and I am not going to allow society to sexually sterilize me again.. I will do what I want with my sex, and with walking my talk I can more effectively teach sexual freedom.. cause I am free now.
It is interesting.. I say it is interesting because my mind works that way. Somehow I am able to rise above emotions and see things just in patterns or circumstance..so it is interesting that people have labeled me a victim due to my book and website that are about the freedom of women’s sexuality and about creating women’s equality through their sexual freedom.. it’s interesting because this is what makes all women victims of society and because I spoke out about it, I am about it; the victimizations have been placed on to me.. interesting yes?
I have been shunned by the professional community, I have been labeled as ” inappropriate ” for speaking out about those who sexually harassed me, who spread rumors about me, have outright told me not to show up at professional events, or who have ignored my request to join organizations or who have outright denied me the same rights as others, or equalities because I dared to show them what was unequal. I brought to their attention ( Rape culture thinking and attitudes ) to have them, then express them to me.. and then upon speaking out about these people and the inhuman things that they did to me I was then labeled as enraged, crazy, vengeful and revenging.. when simply I was pointing out the facts of the situations and behaviors. Interesting how blind people are to patterns and behaviors.. how blind we become to thinking something highly dysfunctional as normal and rational.. then calling the person who is being rational .. crazy.. but isn’t this the ” Crazy making behavior ” that is placed on to women by emotionally controlling and abusive men? To answer the question.. yes it is.. it is even a relevant term. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.
But it is a cruel and unforgiving world for most women who exist and express themselves outside of social norms and nice-ities .. niceness is treasured regarding women. Without male approval the world becomes a dangerous place and love and acceptance are held back from the woman who steps out of line; who miss behaves past the lens of male approval.. and so it is she becomes a victim by straying past her allotted boundaries .. how dare she. But isn’t that much like an abusive relationship? To answer the question.. yes it is. Because a man must control his woman by societies standards to be a real man ( bully ) because society bullies women, abuses women, we are not safe without male protection but then society makes sure we are not safe from him.. because he has more rights than she does..and so Grace is hard to find..
Love is hard to find if it doesn’t include equality..than and even then..is there love without equality?. How civilized are we that men do not truly protect women but instead use their physical strength as a brute force measure to keep women world wide in line? ” You have come along way baby.” is a farce.. women’s rights a joke.. smoke and mirrors as we are not truly free. Every woman; should she be like me is one small step away from victim blaming, slut shaming and rape culture thinking..that is ” your asking for sexual harassment, your asking for rape and at the least disrespect..”‘ because your skirt was to short, your make up to dark, you were out to late at night, you were having sex outside of marriage, you were raped on your date or beaten because you asked for it… ”
So the interesting thing is to look at my book and website, the photography the entire creation of expressing a woman’s sexuality; using myself as the control group..and you can see by the way I have been treated.. how I cannot be successful with this creation due to a male power based social system that will not allow it..because I am asking for it..for disrespect, to not be taken seriously..and then I am victim shamed for the victimiztions placed on women’s sexuality as an over all..
And so love is hard to find, as vulnerability and a soft heart are not protected by the male side of the human species .. but instead fed upon by inflated egos, lack of emotional intelligence and overall immaturity and ignorance.. yes Grace is hard to find
How does dogma control women’s sexuality..and what is dogma. I am defining dogma as other people’s rules and regulations placed on you or me; other’s perceptions of what is or isn’t acceptable social norms or behaviors. Perception; oh how perception is the key as to how we see and create our reality..and sexual dogma creates a reality full of entrapments for women. An example of this dogma, a dogma that has been created through religious rules and regulations placed upon women’s sexuality or the control of it, is seen today by how a man can choose without permission to make himself sterile through a vesectomy but a woman to this day has to ask for permission from her husband to choose to make herself sterile by similar means. If she isn’t married she must wait to be married to get her husband’s approval.. obviously it is true that her body is not seen as her own but that she is owned by a male based society until ownership of a future husband takes over.. were as a man has total control over his sexuality and body.. he is therefore free were she is entrapped in dogma. This case is true in Canada to this day. Also she must be physiologically evaluated by a male based power system; the medical system to see if she is of sound mind, enough, to choose to have an abortion; proving once again her body and mind are not her own but belong to a male based establishment that holds power over her due to dogma. Dogma also can be seen as tradition, as traditionally through the ages women have been seen as objects to be bought and traded for, this means that her purity or virginal state dictates her worth or worthiness.. this of course is not true for a man, as he is free to have as much sexual contact as he likes and to talk said contact with whom ever he likes. A man is encouraged to express himself and to explore himself sexually as much as possible as this is seen as his virility makes him more of a man. But the opposite is true of women, as the more sex she has the lesser her value, the less standing she has in society, the less love and respect she deserves, until she becomes dehumanized by society as a whole.
And as women we entrap each other by these old worn out, out dated standards inflicted on us by dogma. We tell are selfves things like ” I had sex with him, so even if he treats me like crap I have to stick this out with him because I cannot have sex with too many men or I will loose respect and value.” sometimes these thoughts and patterns or beliefs are so ingrained in us we are not aware of the patterns and so they be come subconscious. We loose respect for ourselves if we sleep with too many men..and what is too many.. well society has defined that for us through movies..telling us that more than 10 is the number that tips a woman in to the slut or whore zone.. and so it is that we are entrapped into thinking that it is somehow our fault if a man doesn’t stay or if he strays. We also tell ourselves that we must wait for the right guy to come along to have sex, that we cannot explore our sexuality for the pure sake of the adventure of exploring it..like a man…because dogma dictates to us that women hold the purity of the world between their legs and through their sexual actions and even thoughts.. while men are free, we are entrapped.
This entrapment of dogma causes us to stay in bad relationships, to stay for the sake of marriage, marriage it’s self is dogma as it shows owner ship of a woman to her husband as clearly the medical community that is male power based believes and shows us by the control a woman’s body..as we are still but objects to be traded and devalued by our so called purity or lack of it.
And so it is up to women to be come aware, to become awakened to the undercurrents of society, to not shame each other… by saying things like ” she is a little rough around the edges or act like a lady, be appropriate, be nice, be sweet, submit to your man, do your women’s work, know your place, stay celibate and pure,” it is women who have to break the chains by not shaming and attempting to re-capture free women who claim their own sexual freedoms, live within their own skin.. and who do not let others capture them in their ignorance by lack of seeing their own dogma, those perceptions that are purely just that. What we see as wrong, isn’t wrong if it hurts no one including ourselves..this is only a prison of the mind manifesting it’s self into our reality.
That reality has manifested it’s self as lack of equality and the very obvious slavery of women to men should they step out of line or miss behave.. meaning if she doesn’t accept dogma norms placed upon her, to keep her in the chains of conformity she and her children, should she have any may be cast into hardship and poverty, simply by the fact that she will not make equal pay, she will not have equal opportunity, she will not have proper and affordable daycare for her children, making it easier for her to work and provide outside of male control. While it will be much easier for him to walk away with very little if any financial and or emotional support as a parent. This dynamic obviously keeps women under the abuse, control and ownership of her husband and a male power based society.. and so her daughters will learn what happens if they do not behave and work within this dynamic. The most shameful and painful is that other women shame and shun other women who are faced to struggle within this frame work..simply because they fear their own place in society.. and this is dogma in action..
The only way to change this, isn’t through present structure of Government and society; it is to awaken women, from the ground up, one woman at a time and to create a sisterhood were women stop condemning and competing for male attention, or male social approval..but empower each other freeing each other one woman at a time.. and this will bring balance and justice into society..and we will stop enabling men by accepting the ownership of purity and shame placed onto us by them as this doesn’t really exist.it is simply a definition that can be redefined.. it is time.
I believe that we have forgotten how to truly pleasure ourselves, we have been duped into thinking that pleasure is expensive when it is the simple things that bring the most pleasure. Women have become manicured, well behaved and seeking male approval and by doing so they have not learned how to pleasure their own minds, bodies, spirits and hearts. To be tamed is to become dried and brittle.. to be wild is be wet and and playful.. but we are made to believe that is when a woman becomes a slut. . I am always redefining everything.. even words are but nothing without the meaning that we put on them by our perspectives or social conditioning. Social conditioning is what tames the wild out of every woman.. when in fact a pleasure seeking slut is what she needs to become to set herself free… free to explore her own body, her sexual fantasies .. to touch her own skin, caress her own heart.. to think her own juicy thoughts..to run down that path.. to let her spirit guide her..
What does this contentment look like? How is it found? It is found in giving yourself permission to explore the sensual..if it be a lazy day in the sun, sleeping naked, savoring melted chocolate on your tongue.. to move your body through sensual dance our pounding strength workouts.. it comes by saying no.. no to those who drain a woman of her essence, demanding that she give all of her energy and time away, no to the games people play, saying no to others to make room for the self. To care about you, so that you can be more present in taking care of others..but truly even more succulent is to secretly not give a shit.. to rebel against the social norms of the well behaved woman.. to go deep into your own world and sexual fantasies and not be sorry one damn bit..
To imagine what you will about whom you will..to imagine him fucking you just the way you want him too.. to take the time alone in your room to eat dark chocolate, read erotica, listen to your favorite mood music and touch between your own softness.. to gush, to wither, to moan and thrash.. to be dripping, moist, fleshy and juicy just for you… to explore your darkest, dirtiest fantasy and not regret it.. don’t be sorry.
Succumb and submit to the erotic self… love your erect nipples, the the catching of your breath, the sweet softness of your own feminine flesh.. no matter your age or size.. no matter .. for you are a Goddess..
The wild calls to us.. it calls us back to our primitive nature.. to fill ourselves once more with sunshine, playtime, this horny lust for life that women have forgotten competing for male attention, competing as to who can work the hardest; complete the most tasks, work the longest hours.. while she should be sleeping, soaking up the sweet beauty of the night when she can… moonlight on her voluptuousness..star dust on her breast..
This dirty sin that we label as slutty .. that we call bad..this badness is so good, so right and erotically it is the elixir that we need to cure us..to make us and keep us wet… the climax of life, the orgasm that never lets up.
Secretly I feel like deleting my online identity… just pulling the plug.. I am sick of myself and I am sick of all the online crap that I have to go through trying to promote my book on my own that I cannot seem to promote.. why?
Because the system is saturated with crap.. just pure crap.. meaningless dribble.. just clogging up true communication, or wit, or humor,, or any form of true deep expression. So what is the point? It feels like an energy drain. People like me that are trying to break through the main media market, find famous people online and comment on their threads hoping to get attention, hoping to be discovered by someone who has been discovered who will find you, your dream and your message to be ground breaking and important..but ya it’s been over 2 years of pure shit online for me an in my daily life.. promoting a book about women’s sexuality that has proved to be too controversial and racey for anyone to touch it.. and in my daily life my local arts and professional community see me as an individual as inappropriate, attention seeking white trash for showing my boobies in my book.. to show lack of shame for the female body and female sexuality.. but nope I am a bitch off an online now.. my social life has gone to shit just like most of the shit online.. just looking at how society is going down the toilet in general..what is the fucking point to any of it.. no one cares about anything but bullshit media shit, and following already famous people..and gawd damn it I am thinking life is just to gawd damn short for all this shit.. and being online with all the human stupid that spews forth on twitter is fucked.. it’s just fucked up sometimes. If it be twitter, facebook, whatever.. I am so sick of seeing human suffering, I am so sick of people arguing about fucking arguing about arguing..and never solving a damn thing cause no one is fucking really listening..NO ONE IS LISTENING! NO ONE IS REALLY LISTENING!
It is just fucking shock value bullshit threads, and stupid fucks not seeing that pattern of going in circles on a fucking online treadmill of threaded fucking energy traps.. sucking us all dry of anything useful or truly meaningful.. intimacy is taking it’s last breath..wisdom is going on the endangered list.. perfect is a fucking myth.. and people are their own disease.. because they follow fucking useless shit ass trends like the ALS icebucket challenge that gets fucking washed out in the end my no mind idiots looking for their 5 fucking seconds of bullshit fame that means nothing.. fucking nothing..
So things like my book that could actually make an impact on society, wisen people the fuck up get washed out with ice water, and clips of dumb fucks getting buckets accidentally dropped on their heads.. I am sure karma .. tying to show you how fucking mentally ill society in general has become.. Google Gracie Ackerman if you want to find out about me and my book or never mind..
I hope you get the ” never mind”