Archive for August, 2014

Robin Williams Death

I like to think in the terms of ” Necessary Evil” sometimes something tragic has to happen to bring our attention around. I think that Robin’s death opened up a world wide conversation on depression, suicide and suicide prevention..

First lets take on the social stigma of suicide, the social implications brought on by 100s of years of religious dogma.. the belief that suicides don’t go to heaven or even the spiritual belief that people who commit suicide will be punished after death.. I myself don’t believe it.. because the ancient Emperor type Governments that created religion to control mass population didn’t want their surfs taking and easy out.. be it they made life horrible,and masses poor as surfs or ( free slaves ) they didn’t want any of us taking the ( easy way out ) of paying taxes, being drafted, or out of their disposal.. we are to be disposed of.. in away suicide could be seen as the last act of freedom.. and so it was even after your loved one committed suicide you could pay the Church ( that was really and is really the Government in disguise ) penance to get your dead relative out of purgatory… therefore making up for lost taxation revenue .. yup for real!… so this has led us to our present day social stigma on suicide.. ( why people don’t talk about it, unless it is with shame, shunning and victim blaming ).. that is we blame the person who committed suicide as a self murdering weakling.. instead of having compassion and mercy or understanding.. yet  we all know most of us have had suicidal thoughts.. because life can be one hell of bitch.. and some people are born chemically unbalanced, and some people have a million things crash and burn in their lives all at the same time.. they are burden overloaded.

Many artist are prone to suicidal thoughts, attempts and suicide because their artistic nature.. or passion makes them more emotionally sensitive to highs and lows.. I am one of them. When one has a tender heart, the mind suffers, when one is prone to artistic  “””genius is a person who displays exceptional intellectual ability, creativity, or originality, typically to a degree that is associated with the achievement of an unprecedented leap ofinsight. This may refer to a particular aspect of an individual, or the individual in his or her entirety”””.. the mind may become unbalanced or weak in other ways.. my mind is prone to obsession .. many artist suffer in these ways.. we are 50% more likely to commit suicide then say an accountant or a lawyer.. because we are emotionally vulnerable..but it is our vulnerability that promotes our creativity and sometimes pure essence the pure of heart suffer greatly.


Second..Yes I have been suicidal.. my journey with my book has caused me to become socially ostracized, bullied, rejected. abused. This has been a lonely and dangerous journey.. I knew it would be, just not to this extent, I knew people would have problems understanding that I needed to break with social stigmas and taboos about women’s sexuality to break said stigmas and taboos.. and like women who have done all them ” Slut shaming, victim blaming, rape culture thinking, the double standards” I unearthed them, writing about them.. being about them.. topless in my book, candidly writing about women’s sexuality.. I flew in the face of it and it flew right back in my face..and of course the social stigma.. ” I asked for it” holds true.. what a victim!.. and so yes, it seems bleak and dark, hopeless from time to time.. I go to low dank, dark places and I think about suicide.. it’ not like I want to die.. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep on living like this..


Thirdly.. what stops me from committing suicide? The thought of leaving my children with the fallout.. I don’t actually want to die, I love myself.. it’s just other people that hate me ( but it is a biggie ) not having love or respect from others is a KILLER.. my coping skills.. like sweet, darling Robin Williams.. I use humor .. I laugh at the stupidity of society..of the stupidity of my bullies.. I write about it.. I hit the gym, the track, do yoga, eat well, sleep as well as I can.. I live in the moment with my kids, I drink in their sweetness. I get mad.. I get right pissed the fuck off.. I write about it..I am grateful for the small things.. I stay away from assholes. I write about it..


Fourthly.. my own mother committed suicide when I was was 13. My mother had schizophrenia.. she had to silence the voices in her head.. I have memories of stopping her from cutting her wrists and taking an overdose of pills.. I was very protective of my mother.. but I knew she was going to succeed one day..and I wanted her to.. I know that sounds horrible but really it was love and empathy.. I saw her suffering, I saw her in and out of hospitals, not able to be with her children.. I knew when she was relapsing.. I knew ..she just had to do it.. because her life was not a life at all.. it was a prison in her mind.. it was a torture was hell. I know she didn’t go from hell to another hell.. I know she is at peace..

I know Robin Williams is at peace too..

I just know it.