How much is she worth? If she isn’t young, if she has ” Been around” If she carries a few pounds, if she has had a few children? How much is she worth?
Sad and depressing for us women, sad and depressing for young girls.. we are fed this constantly, our virtue, our sexuality, our purity.. or worth based on what others judge as external beauty.. this amounts as to what we are worth.. those things are weighed and judged before intelligence, humor, empathy, talents or any other ability when a woman’s worth is calculated.. My teenage daughters are going through this right now as they reach the cusp, of the transformation of girlhood into womanhood.. and the insecurities mount.. even still I fight them..
I am in my 40s and ageing, I have had babies, I have a c-section scar.. I am into fitness but I have to stand my ground about how I want my body to look; as I don’t think body building is healthy for many reason..or the competing in beauty contest or body building contest.. I find them to be emotionally self defeating.. but people assume because I workout that I am looking to become this ideal..and I am just halfway there.. but I am not. I am competing with myself..
I not ” all that” I don’t think I am ” all that” I know I am very imperfect..but even with writing my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) and doing the photography in the book, being the model and showing my imperfections.. I still have body issues. I struggle with them. I struggle with the imperfections, and doing the self talk of ” I don’t have to be super skinny or super muscular to be beautiful and healthy, I can be my own version of me.” Yet going to the gym I am constantly shown women with this perfect fitness type of body… but many of them don’t seem too happy because it is a constant struggle.. I want to workout for the joy of moving my body and pushing my body to higher and higher limits.. I want to age gracefully.. I want to respect and honor were I am at this time in my life..not fight it or run from it..but honor my journey.. but also I know that age is just a number.. by doing this I am showing my daughters the way to self love and acceptance.. not body hate disguised as arrogance and false pride. I think being in this place of moderation but physical acceleration ( always pushing my limits with in my limits ) is truly healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy..
Like almost all women I have my body issues; of course I am shy about sharing my body with a lover for the first time, showing all my physical imperfections without perfect lighting or clothing to hide the parts of ourselves we all hide away. I have those days were I feel fat and bloated, wrinkled, and tired looking.. and I catch myself in negative self talk.. that is just being human.
The thing is this if women rate other women by looks we are keeping this insanity going; what does that mean ” Strong is the new beautiful or strong is the new skinny” ??? How about healthy is beautiful..being as healthy as you can be with what you are given is beautiful, smart is beautiful, being loving is beautiful, being caring is beautiful.. being talented is beautiful.. being your own unique self is REALLY BEAUTIFUL..
Ego lifting is lifting weights to impress other people in the room.. one way to tell and ego lifter is to watch how they preform when they don’t have an audience. If there are not as many people in the room they don’t perform.. and ego lifters have to out lift someone who is lifting heavier then them. Ego lifters don’t respect their own bodies, they don’t respect the iron nor do they respect the sport. I have seen this in both men and women; they lift to compete with the same sex and they lift to get attention from the opposite sex, if it be just their own girlfriend or boyfriend or every other opposite sex member in the gym. They brag constantly. Everyone has a right to be proud of their achievements in the gym.. and to tell others of their achievements, but with ego lifters it is relentless.. they lift to fill a hole, they don’t lift to love their bodies..secretly they hate something within themselves so they cover it up with muscle and bravado .. they are full of shit.. Ego lifters eventually hurt themselves while trying to impress others.. because THEIR FUCKING HEAD and HEART IS NOT IN THE LIFT!.. so they are going to fuck up..
Ego lifters cause gym drama due to their insecurities.. they posture, they threaten others with their body language..they make snide jokes, fuck everyone in the gym, and treat people like shit that don’t live up to their supposed level of fitness..they do not inspire others to work harder.. they discourage others by telling them they will never be able to reach their level of elite fitness.. they make fun of others body types, they group together in clicks.. I have seen trainer clicks like this.. working out together on their down time.. posturing.. swearing, showing off.. ego lifting the entire gym!.. But it’s just a matter of time until they fuck up and hurt themselves.. they don’t respect the steel.
Don’t be one of these fuckers.. lift for the sport, respect the metal.. respect your own body.. respect other members..
Go ahead and fucking grunt, lift heavy.. be proud of your accomplishments .. be proud, happy and satisfied..but be a good sport.. and remember someone started with little to no weight just like you.. everyone has their own story and injuries.. lift to become a better person from the inside out..
I think the word bitch was created to make women behave. I don’t just think so I know so. If a woman behaves like a man, tells it strait up, takes no shit, doesn’t ask for permission, goes and just gets what she wants..she is bitch..she is..as I have been called ” too assertive” .. my thoughts exactly.. ” Fuck you”
A bitchy woman..stands up for herself, stands her ground on her dreams.. oh hell..she has her own dreams..what a bitch! Women are taught to support men who have dreams… lets take a look at how wonderful it is to be a ” First Lady” ya fuck that!.. Fuck that! That’s right your supposed to be happy and honored to take second place as a figure head that wears the latest fashions and puts up with your husband jamming cigars up an interns vag.. that’s right BITCHES! Women don’t have real authority and those who strive for it.. yup..bunch a bitches!
A woman that has a presence .. you know..she takes up room when standing in a room.. she has a voice, she has thoughts of her own and shares them openly, she has sex appeal .. she has a walk, she has charisma.. yup what a bitch..
But the only way a woman is going to get anywhere in the world is to love her inner bitch.. it is so seriously a part of being a Goddess.. it is being an unapologetic bitch that makes her a super star..but first she has to have the inner strength to stand up to the boys.. those wimpy men, the ones that need a woman to kiss up, make nice and suck their metaphorical dicks.. she has to be able to get it across to them ( metaphorically speaking ) that she too has a dick and if they don’t like it they can suck it! She is a bitch, and she loves her inner bitch.. she ain’t making nice..and she will never be ready to make nice..cause like the boys..she is what she is and she says what she means and she means what she says… she going to be called a lot of names.. but eventually she just has to find a few truly good men, who will be her friends and supporters.. we just need more women willing to embrace their inner bitch.. more women to take a stand.. and love that they are who the fuck they are..
This good girl bad girl shit..it’s just shit to control women.. if women are always afraid of offending some poor guy and seeming too bitchy to get hitched up to some pathetic guy that digs this shit.. the world will be missing out on some GRAND BITCHES.. bitches that have that chip on their shoulder that they carry with pride..bitches that have been told ” your a piece of work” but they like that..those bitches are goddamn proud of the lessons they have learned in life that made them what they are..that made them broads that made them ballsy .. that’s right.. fuck em.. those are the GRAND BITCHES society needs to turn it around and make equal ground..to fuck the double standard HARD.. FUCK IT HARD and RIGHT PROPER!
Women need to fight for their dreams, fight for their voices..stop over eating to appear safe to fragile men, stop under eating to disappear ..to make yourself small and fragile for fragile men.. we need some women to TRAIN these fuckers up .. to toughen men up..to give them some tough love.. cause
Enough is Enough
ROCK ON BITCHES!
I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.
I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.
In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.
What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)
I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..
As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!
But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom
I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.
As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.
The persecution of women’s sexuality is exactly why I wrote my book…… so it shouldn’t be such a shock that I have faced intense persecution for writing said book. ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) you can find it on Amazon.ca
This madness has been going on since the dawn of the Christian age, or since the dawn of all male based organized religions.. do you really think the witch burnings were about witchcraft? No.. it was a way of controlling women’s sexuality and power. Usually the women that were burned were attractive, intelligent, natural doctors and healers, midwives, or just very independent women.. and by being so in charge of their own bodies and sexuality.. very powerful indeed.. as I have found out still very feared by society..and even by other women who have learned through social ( norms ) to work within this system..they find it a threat to have to face their own power past male approval.. and they find women in their sexual power to be a threat and so they compete with cruelty and social shunning of these women ( like me ) that they feel threaten their position with their men.. Yet it is women like me that will eventually free them from their sexual slavery in this male based ( still in the dark ages ) society..but some women have learned to love their captivity as it takes too much strength and courage to take a stand themselves..and to stand alone for themselves..and so instead they eat from the hand that metaphorically or actually beats them… because they fear the responsibility of being grown women striking out on their own.. doing it for themselves.. 99% of women cannot become successful without male money or approval..
Even if we look at the world of modeling and adult movies.. or Playboy.. these women are actually pimped..they earn a fraction of what the big male based, male run media structure makes off of them, their images, their sexuality..that is twisted into what they think men want to see.. not as to what, and who women actually are… so do you think they want to see my book succeed? How would that rock this industry if a woman, without male money, without male approval, backing of any sort..sold her own sexuality, her own image, in a raw and natural non pornographic form to teach other women how to own and stand in their own sexuality.. can’t say that revolution would go over to well.. and that is why women’s sex is either pornographic or puritan..because it takes power away from women..and puts their sexuality into the hands of men.. men who say that you are either a slut, whore, good girl or wife material.. that women can only be.. this or that..but not the full spectrum of who they are..because we can be wives, mothers, scientist, artist, and raw, sex and lustful when we want to be..when it suits us..not when it makes men comfortable…not when it makes us sellable, and objectified.. or weakened under control.. this is what many insecure men are afraid of.. being held accountable, being made to grow the fuck up and see women and accept them ( us ) for the fullness of who we are..
Why do you think we are made to feel dirty for menstruation? Why do you think women are made to feel dirty for liking sex and wanting lots of it? Why do you think women are made to feel like sluts for having multiple partners or for having sexual fantasies of sleeping with more than one man at a time? Why do you think these double standards exist? It is because men are insecure.. and other women who buy into this crap are afraid of being out-ed as bad girls, afraid of being ( ABANDONED) and so it is that the power holds sway..
I have had women say things to me like ” Stop pushing your body and sexuality onto everyone” meaning I am too afraid to do what you are doing so stop doing it because it shows me my fear..I don’t want to aware of this fear, my ignorance is bliss.. or men say to me ” How many men do you need?” meaning I am afraid of your sexuality because I am insecure that I am not enough for you..so I need to make you feel shameful because it makes me feel powerful, because when I am around a woman like you that knows her own body, knows what she wants, and what she likes.. I am afraid that I am not man enough to give it to you..so I am going to label you a bad girl and a slut..that way I don’t have to face this fear..instead I can be brutal and mean to you because you are putting it out there asking for it.. I am afraid you will laugh at me for not being able to satisfy you …
Of course all of these situations exist in every woman’s daily life to some degree or another.. when she goes to the beach and shows her body, when she get as a little drunk and a little loosened up.. when she is liking sex with him and suddenly he gets insecure about being enough for her..or who she was with before him.. ( was he better ) that is his worse fear..and that is why virginal good girls are wanted by these types of guys..
Yet there are men out there just waiting for our ( hell cat ) to become unleashed.. just yearning for a woman that can challenge him and get him burning hot.. those are the guys that are evolved and living in their true masculinity..they don’t feel the need to control a woman..actually they set her free..
I think I have nailed the root of the evil of religion..and that is the belief that ” Women were created for men” that idea or dogma creates instant inequality and makes women instant servants to men..
By practicing these fundamental beliefs, we still live in the dark ages, humanity has yet to evolve into it’s full potential and because of this women and children are brutalized world wide. Yes this does effect western culture, due to religion seeping into our Government we still do not have equal pay or opportunity, abortion is still up for debate, and made political instead of personal; therefore women’s bodies, women are owned by men, and men are able to keep power over women by holding world wide power positions and by this men over all are monetarily wealthier.. meaning that women are made to submit through need.. the need to cloth and feed themselves and their children. This is why I wrote my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) because once women begin to own their sexuality and bodies they come into their power.. this is why genital mutilation happens in many countries..it is to render women powerless..because the patriarchy knows this is our power source. This male based social structure is built upon the blood of women and children, built upon our suffering.. of course this doesn’t make all men bad.. many men want to see women raise into their power.. many of our sons, fathers and brothers.. who love and admire us, who respect us.. will be willing to support The Rise of the Divine Feminine.
Seriously it will be through awareness and education that we will make this change.. I keep writing the same things, I keep posting the same things. I hope this post is concentrated enough to pack a bigger punch. I am including some painful but truthful images..
The thing that the patriarchy really fears is the education of women, of women becoming ( unbrainwashed ) by their religious upbringing..that is why they called the new age “The Whore of Babylon” because the see The Divine Feminine or women in general as whores.. to them we are dirty and unclean. like animals that must be owned and mastered..it is time women awakened to this religious slavery..it is time ( at the very least ) that religions be amended to create true equality and to be truly about love..
‘But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (I Corinthians 11:3)
“For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” (I Corinthians 11:8-9)
“And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.” (Leviticus 21:9)
‘When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
“Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.” (Leviticus 12:2)
“But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.” (Leviticus 12:5)
“Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.” (Revelation 2:22-23)
“Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.” (Judges 19:24-25)
“Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.” (I Timothy 2:11-14)
“If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silvers, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.” (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (I Corinthians 14:34-35)
Lilith is a character who appears in passing in the Talmud and in rabbinical folklore. She is a figure of evil, a female demon who seduces men and threatens babies and women in childbirth. She is described as having long hair and wings (Erub. 100b; Nid. 24b). It is said that she seizes men who sleep in a house alone, like a succubus (Shab. 151b). She is also mentioned in midrashim and kabbalistic works, in which she is considered to be the mother of demons. Her name probably comes from the Hebrew word for night (laila). She is similar to and probably based on a pagan demon named Lulu or Lilu that appears in Gilgamesh and other Sumerian and Babylonian folklore.
In recent years, some women have tried to reinvent Lilith, turning her into a role model for women who do not accept male domination or a rival goddess to the traditions that they think are too male-biased. For example, a number of female musical artists participated a concert tour called “Lilith Fair” a few years ago, and the name “Lilith” was clearly chosen to represent female empowerment.
This revisionist view of Lilith is based primarily on a work called the Alphabet of Ben Sira, which portrays Lilith as Adam’s first wife who was rejected because she wanted to be on top during sexual intercourse. Lilith was replaced with Eve, a more submissive second wife. The complete story is presented here. Many modern commentators describe this as part of the Talmud or midrash, or at least a traditional Jewish source, and claim that this story reflects the traditional rabbinical understanding of the roles of men and women. Feminists reject the negative characterization of Lilith’s actions in this story. They claim Lilith was a hero who was demonized by male-chauvinist rabbis who did not want women to have any sexual power.
Actually, Ben Sira is a much later medieval work of questionable authorship. Ben Sira appears to be a satire or parody, possibly even an antisemitic one. It tells many stories about biblical characters envisioned in non-traditional, often unflattering ways, often with slapstick humor at the expense of traditional heroes. Frankly, to treat Ben Sira as a reflection of traditional Jewish thought is like treating Cervantes’ Don Quixote as a treatise on chivalry, or Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles as a documentary of the American West. See this scholarly critique of the use of Ben Sira to turn Lilith into a feminist hero.
I have found, through experience, Kelowna BC Canada is a loveless place…
Just seems that no matter how much I have reached out to people I just find I get nothing back. Nothing but empty promises of friendships or an echo of a promise of a potential lover.. So many say that they stand for this or that.. love, courage, bravery, equality, justice.. but it when it comes down to showing it through actions.. it never materializes into reality.. instead they don’t show up, or they remain silent when they should speak up..
Even now writing this I am washing things (memories) recent an old; around in my head thinking ” What is the point to even writing this” selfish people don’t care. I think the most fucked up thing is.. when I have the guts to write about what others don’t have the guts to even dare to think about.. these cowardly people are the the first to attempt to shut me up.. they are the ones who stood by and watched me get bullied out of my old gym.. they are the ones that shut me out of networking events and organizations.. making it impossible for me to promote my book on a local scale.. making it then even harder for me to promote my book on a global scale with out a local platform.. These are the ones that said they were my friends within the local arts community.. who never spoke up for me..when they had the power to make a difference.. because they didn’t want their own personal comfort put at risk with in Kelowna’s social network.. nope they sit and stuff their faces with wine and cheese, take in the local events, network with the organizations that I am not welcome to attend.. yet they know deep within that they are selfish cowards…
Even looking at the men that I cared about.. whom I thought were my friends, whom I thought could be my friends..and a very select few whom I had considered as lovers… they shrank back too.. professing to be about courage, masculinity, authenticity, truth, upholding what is right.. justice.. yet I had nothing to offer them.. no social connections, no money, and of course.. I suppose love and sex was not worth the risk .. of taking a stand for a woman who has been labeled and reputable .. a socially scorned woman..and worse yet a single mother..without family or social status.. why risk their own worth for someone whom society has labeled so worthless?
And yes I know I am not worthless..so don’t be stupid about this.. ( no messages telling me how negative this is.. no messages telling me..” But Gracie your not worthless” I fucking know I am priceless..)
I know that what I did for society was out of love..that my book was written out of love..and that I still write this out of love.. to help others see that they are not alone.. not alone in sending messages of love.. out in bottles.. out into the deep dark sea of unconsciousness.. the unconsciousness of a city… A city that is superficial .. full of people wearing thick masks.. to afraid to do what I am doing for fear of being treated how I have been treated.. using authenticity as buzz word for self promotion.. using spirituality as fucking TREND.. using religion as an excuse to be self righteous hypocrites.. conservative professionals using ” It’s just business” as an excuse to dehumanize. But yet somehow love has to win ..
And strength has to prevail.. through adversity..the dream cannot be abandoned and crushed by the cruelty of greed and cold hearts.. of assholes who only see people as worthy if they have something for them to use.. like social connections, money or some form of status…
Somehow the pureness of heart, the purity of dream has to survive the rough, tough seas of hatred and sorrow, of those who would do anything to stab an open loving heart just for the false power-trip..
Somehow..they say.. love floats.. on hope..
Love floats on the hope..that someone will have the courage to open up .. to actually hear the message, and to share it.. someone.. who has the connections, the heart, the courage.. to make those who chose to be unconscious.. conscious of facing their own inner demons.. so that they too.. can have the courage to send out..
A message in a bottle