I tried it..and it isn’t working for me.. I thought I was expressing my inner divine masculine.. trying to be one of the boys..but I am not one of the boys.. I have had to accept that and embrace my Femininity.. not expressing my emotions isn’t tough..it is weak.. a strong heart is brave enough to feel, to care..it doesn’t mean I am to sensitive or that I am taking things to personally..it means I am brave enough to FEEL.. a scary prospect for many people in an overtly masculine society.. as women think they need to man up to be taken seriously in a male based society and professional world..but then we are left with insensitivity, repression and denial of emotions..because women don’t want to be called dramatic and overly emotional in a professional world.. what is professionalism anyway..it was created by male based logical thinking.. it wasn’t created to encompass the female mind.. our minds are based on instinct of nurturing..women read body language more than we read words..we are highly sensitive to other’s moods because our feminine DNA created us to nurture ..to be highly sensitive to an infant’s body language and tone.. because babies cannot use language..and so to not allow the feminine qualities to be seen as valuable as masculine qualities stops humanity and society from the full expression of the human condition.. what do we loose when we deny emotions .. compassion and empathy, intimacy, unconditional love, nurturing, we loose softness, kindness and tenderness..
The rise of the Feminine brings balance back into our world…
I am not going to repress my womanhood anymore..to make others more comfortable.. I am not going to “suck it up” and I feel sorry for people who are to repressed to express their emotions..because if you cannot have compassion for the self, softness and kindness for the self.. you cannot express these things towards others..
Truly men are trapped in their tough guy social conditioning.. I have a son..and I know how much he loves his mother’s softness, tenderness and long hugs.. I think men crave women to be women.. I think he wants someone he can fall apart with ..someone he can fall into that isn’t going to expect him to ” suck it up and be a man”
This tender heart..the heart of compassion is missing in society.. strong women are the ones who are brave enough be fully women and express their emotions..and love their bodies.
To answer the question ” What if women manned up?” The world would become a hard cold place ..barren of all intimacy, love and affection..and we would grieve the mother in every woman.
To get to the point, I am going to stop trying to be likable and acceptable at my gym and everywhere else for that matter.. because I don’t fit into traditional patterns of anything.. including how the fitness world views fitness.. including women’s fitness.
How I don’t fit in, in general it is my book, breaking taboos by going topless in the photography and talking candidly and maturely about women’s sexuality and my own broke with tradition.. in my fitness, I don’t fit in to a role..of say just someone coming to the gym to loose weight and be moderately fit, nor am I just doing it for looks.. I actually train like a competitor and or a trainer without being either.. how confusing not to fit into a category ..for those who follow group fitness themes.. but off I go being me, learning and taking from each and every sort of fitness.. that suits me.. because I don’t follow.. I lead..and I lead by example. Many members in my gym have told me that they love what I do and that I inspire them and get them fired up.. but I think .. I know that I make others uncomfortable..
Having the meeting with the management.. were they told me that my book and website were a threat to the gym’s professional reputation and the reputation of the owner of the gym.. put a stigma on to me, as to how the trainers and competitors in my gym see me as a professional threat to them and their professional and athletic reputations. Having it said to me in the meeting that I was spreading rumors..and that they were told by inside information that I was trying to smuggle photography out of the gym by suggesting a fitness calendar be made up.. maybe with me in it with the other fit women and other members in the gym.. only added to making me not trust anyone at the gym.. because who would say such things about me behind my back..but the one female fitness trainer that I told in depth..who then after the meeting posted a post on her twitter..saying ” I feel sorry for myself watching you feel sorry for yourself” when I confronted her about it on social media she told me to ” Drop it like a squat”.. once again I was meet with condescension. And the female competitors that I asked to be in the photography with me.. stopped showing up at the gym at the time I go to the gym..and stopped answering any of my facebook messages.. and stopped making eye contact with me at they gym.. pure avoidance and subterfuge. This is typical behavior for women and girls .. avoidance and then exclusion.. and then to have the photographer that I wanted to do the pics with show up at the time I go to the gym..to take images of women who are competitors and trainers.. to further show me how unacceptable I am..that I do not fit in to what is deemed as acceptable by gym society..
Further more.. I realized that I was the one who sent a friend request to all of them on facebook..that I am the only one who has reached out to any of them.. including my gym management and owner..to just be further excluded. I realize that these people are not my true friends.. because I cannot ask them for anything..and they would be embarrassed if I mentioned them on facebook..if I tagged them..and they will not like anything on my facebook.. even my fitness post.. there was only two of them that wished me a Happy Birthday..or hit like on the rare occasion.. I realize that I am giving my power away..by attempting to reach out..and reach out..and be friends with people who really don’t care about me at all.. even though I have seen them looking at my facebook regularly ..as they are up on my most recents list..but it seems I am but a strange and fascinating thing.. or maybe I am just fuel for further gossip.. and so I took them off of my facebook.. my power is eroded by this constant guessing.. by wondering.. but rumors have a way of returning back to the person who is the reason for the rumor..and of course once that happens who is to say what the truth is.. and so this is what I did to get my power back from a battle that I simply cannot win..
I unplugged, I stopped following my gym’s page.. I stopped following any of them on social media.. even the ones that seemed to be nicer than others.. not to be vengeful or hateful..but to be neutral..and to accept that it is what it is..whatever it is..it isn’t my business..
My business is going to the gym to workout..not to fit in and to try to convince others that I am a good person.. if they don’t see that I am then they don’t..
I am just going to workout and find my power in flying solo..