This is the dream I had last night.. I am writing this while drinking my first cup of coffee at 6 am..while my kids are still sleeping.
In my dream I am with my ex husband.. he has a little black kitten.. he carelessly buts the little black kitten by a big hungry dog’s bowl while the dog is eating..the dog starts to growl in protest at the kitten being by his bowl.. I tell my ex to please pick up his kitten before the dog’s instincts kick in and the dog attacks the little kitten.. my ex says to me full of arrogance that the kitten is his and that it will be fine.. just then the dog pounces on the little baby kitten, grabs the little kitten by the scruff of the neck and violently shakes it nearly to death.. I scream and pick up the little kitten off the floor..the baby black kitten has a open wound in the back of her neck.. I can see teeth marks and blood..she is barely alive.. I show my ex what he has done out of his carelessness and arrogance.. he says the little kitten will be fine..and he wants the kitten back.. I run from him crying with the little black kitten in my arms.. I will not give the baby black kitten back to him.. I nurse the little baby kitten back to health.. I take her everywhere with me.. I feed her from a bottle..she sleeps with me at night.. I take her shopping with me in my purse.. she heals and gets stronger.. her fur gets thick and shiny..she purrs all the time..and she wants to play..to get down out of my warm loving arms and play..but I say to the little kitten… not yet little one.. soon though.. your getting stronger..
Then I wake up.. and I remember the dream as clear as this..then fall back to sleep and dream this as my little 6 year old boy sleeps beside me..because earlier in the night he has crawled into my bed to cuddle..
I dream of a little girl of about 5.. I hear her bare feet on the hard would floor..as she patters over to my bed.. just like my son did earlier.. but she is me..at 5.. she has come to cuddle..and I let her in with a big warm hug..
I dreamed these dreams..because last night an old high school girlfriend messaged me..she said she was worried that I was becoming hardened by attempting to promote my book.. from all the adversity that I have faced..all the names I have been called..all the rejection..all of the court cases with my ex.. having my brother and sister reject me..all of the social rejection..she noticed me purging negative people off my facebook..she noticed me fighting back..and she was worried that they were winning and hardening my heart..
Yes sometimes they do win.. sometimes I have to walk out of my house with a very thick skin..to protect my many wounds..because I am that little black kitten.. I am me taking care of me.. I am that little girl..that no one cuddles but me..and I am a single mother with no family..and I have to keep these pieces of me for my children..to be present for them.. I have not been able to date..because many men treat me like my ex husband..they are careless of my feelings..the will put me in harms way because they feel like I deserve it for my website and book..because I use my own sexuality with my topless Goddess photography to teach about sacred sexuality.. and so I take myself in my arms..and nurture myself..and protect myself from this adversity.. until I am strong enough to brave it and face it alone..again.
But I have learned many do not deserve me..
It wasn’t my initial intention to turn to celibacy .. like many places we find ourselves in; it is the journey of life that takes us there.
I am a very sexual and sensual woman; I am healthy, I have a high sex drive; I am in the prime of my sexuality..being in my forties; but I am a very sensitive, loving woman..and I found that I couldn’t get that back from others.
I have been celibate for over a year..well over a year. I found that the men I was with were very selfish in bed..and out of the bedroom. They objectified me, and expected me to fit into their lives while making no room in their own lives for me; accept for when it suited them. I found myself becoming emotionally depleted, I found them to clutter up my thoughts with their neediness and selfishness; I felt a lack of any spiritual connection ( soul to soul contact) and I was very physically sexually frustrated.
Simply put; sexually I can pleasure myself and satisfy myself without all immaturity and head games of men who really don’t know how to be men.
I would rather go on living my own life then waste my time on men that simply do not deserve me.
It has become a journey of self nurturing and learning how to channel my need for intimacy into being intimate with myself on every level..
But of course I still long for someone who is able to actually be present with me. Someone with similar interest, of health and who is as driven as I am. Someone who accepts me for me, someone to talk to, to cuddle, to share food with, I long for deep lasting eye contact, and passionate lovemaking .. sometimes it seems like it will never happen again..and I get very sad; but I am not willing to be with a selfish man, I am not willing to hurt myself even deeper by letting myself down..to let someone emotionally injure me just so I can meet a sexual need.
I am not judging others; and I am not saying this should ring true for anyone else..it is just were I am at in my life and were I have been for over the last year..
I pour myself into my workouts and my writing; into mothering my children.. into life.
Professionally I have been called many names because of my website; I have endured so much prejudice and outright hatred ..because I am seen as a whore; I am seen as a woman asking for it; as I put myself out there sexually; even in a professional way, I am not seen as professional because I am a woman using her own nudity to express sacred sexuality..and healthy sexuality and women’s freedom of expressing and living in their own sexuality.. I am seen as asking for abuse by others in my local community..
And so I have to self protect; I have to draw my energy and all my resources into me; to be there for me, because no one else has loved me and protected me..
And so it is I Plea Celibacy.
The first time I personally experienced death.. I was 13. It was my mother’s death at her own hand. She had been suffering from schizophrenia; the demons in her head had tortured her endlessly from the age of 14. As a child I wanted to protect my mother from this unseen force; that was very real to her. I would stay up with her in the middle of the night, to comfort her. When she took her own life; I understood why. She was having compassion for herself, it was not an act of self hatred ..but and act of relief.. it was then I was initiated into the underworld and caressed by death. I sat in the lap of death, in death’s embrace I found myself in desolateness in hopelessness and in a deep longing of intense loneliness. No one my age could possibly understand the gravity and the depth of death. Death held me with an authority of it’s intimacy between the two of us..
I learned how to free fall.. I learned that nothing stays the same, that nothing last forever but love..because love doesn’t die with the flesh.. my love for my mother lives on. I still dream of her, and miss her..but I know she in a better place..where ever that is.
There were other deaths later on..not to far behind the first..deaths of those to young to die..sudden unexpected deaths..
Down in the underworld of grief I learned.. death comes unexpectedly.
After having my first two daughters.. I found myself unexpectedly walking down a path of death..as I lost a my first pregnancy..and then another..and another.. As I lay in the hospital bed bleeding out; looking at my baby boy that didn’t get to take his first breath..death and I had a talk.. I said to death ” I will have my son; I will fight you.” Death said to me ” You will have to go through me first.” and so I did.. I sat in the lap of death as another unborn child died inside of me.. I walked right through death as the 5th pregnancy brought forth life..the life of my son..
But I learned about the contrast of life and death; I learned that death made life so precious, so fragile and so very meaningful..death gives life meaning.
Death came unexpectedly again; to me in a dream telling me that death was going to take my sister.. was it that my many journey’s into the underworld had given me the gift of deep intuition and forewarning? This death was my sister’s to own; as the intimacy of death is that it is your’s and your’s alone to face; to experience the letting go of all that you know. It was my gift to nurture her by giving her dignity in her dying. It was my gift to give deep compassion and empathy..and to learn how deeply and completely love goes..because I would of died for her; I would have suffered for her if I could of..
Death taught me the depths of love..so deep is love that even death will dare not go or be able to touch it’s depths..for love is all there is. In love there is no death, but death teaches us how to love..such is the intimacy of death.
How Society Views Women’s Sexuality
This is what I have learned since putting up my website and writing my bookwww.sexassacred.com
By my personal experiences in the last year and a half.
- A woman that shows her breast is not to be taken seriously.
- A woman who expresses sexuality that is still considered sexually viable is asking to be sexually harassed and deserves it.
- A woman who uses sexual images of herself is asking to be spoken to as a sexual object. She is objectifying herself so she deserves to be treated as an object.
- A woman who is sexy cannot be professional.
- A woman being sexual is attempting to seduce men and confuse men with her sexuality.
- A woman going topless in her pictures is a whore and a slut; she is damaged and craves attention..( attention whore )
- A woman who is still in her sexual years expressing sexuality is a threat to other women as she is using her sexuality to compete against other women for men’s attention.
- A woman that expresses and teaches sexuality, using her own sexuality as an example is stupid, a bimbo and should be avoided least others should see you the same way by association.
- A woman showing too much flesh is has no morals, is loose, is not to be considered relationship material, she is asking to be used sexually so she deserves no respect.
I have been shown by the way others have treated me, talked to me or have ignored me, that because I show my nudity and express my sexuality that I am not deserving of common respect.
And we wonder why women are afraid to be free to express their sexuality and be comfortable in their own skin?
This passion it consumes me; the flames of lust burn through me. I burned, I am the burn.. I am the fire.
I suffer ever so sweetly; and bitterly I am scorched, blackened to a singe ..but I long for more. I am the flames that I dance with, I am chaos in the creation.. I am imagination.. I have an insatiable hunger.
I am wanting,ravenous .. I am starving..
Inferno.. inferno..I am incinerated ..reduced to ashes..
Yet I rise again.. like the phoenix I rise..birthed again by PASSION
This passion ..this walk with one’s inner demon’s is not for the faint of heart.. for to suffer.. to embrace the suffering is only for those who are committed..
For the athlete ..for those who have heart.. to face the pain..to endure the lonely lifestyle.. to commit to the lift, to give and to give to the passion of the lifestyle.. they will go down with the ship..there is no “white flag” it is all or nothing.. victory or death..for this..
I will have a storm.. I will have a firestorm.. I will..will my will
I am hot.. I am horny for it.. I am crazed.. erotic and sensual.. I AM DRIVEN
Even Death will not stop me..for the fire still burns even without me..
I am the cause that is greater still than me..
Because I live a life of meaning..
I LIVE MY LIFE ON FIRE
I live through my heart.. I live to serve.. I live for the sport..for the race..for the sake of living fully..
My spirit is enraged in the fury of LOVE..
The spark shall never die..
You can see it behind their eyes
For those of you who live luke warm.. craving comforts
You can watch the Passionate BURN