Archive for August, 2013

Welcome to the Jungle ( Kelowna BC Canada)

( Gun’s and Roses.. Welcome to the Jungle)

This post stems from a midnight conversation I had with a friend of mine from my city; a friend that knows the inner workings or the underbelly of Kelowna society very well. My friend was concerned for my well being.. emotional and mental state after I had been banned off of facebook again by some unknown person or persons reporting me again for some unknown reason?? This being the 4th ban for me due to other’s in Kelowna’s society manipulating me by online bullying.. by attempting to censor me and quiet my voice, and my visual appearance online. Thank god I pay for my own website.

Our conversation swung on the fact that quite simply no one can be trusted in Kelowna’s society.. we talked about the childish ( this is my sandbox) attitude that prevails in this adult networking community of our city. There is a ( one up-man-ship ) chest like game being played continually here.. in multiple clicks.. in multiple social circles..and the game is switched constantly.. like musical chairs.. but with some being really horrible cheaters.. like lets take 2 chairs out instead of just one.. or lets add 3 extra chairs but play no music.. just to tease..and create more power and control. But then lets change who is in charge of the music.. CRAZINESS .. pure INSANITY.

Many people that I know; who have lived in other places around Canada and the world say that they have seen nothing like it.. that it exists to some extent in other places but not to this degree of cut-throat immaturity.. ( Trust no one).. not even your closest friends as they may be your worst enemies..but then keep your enemies close at hand .. so you have a head start..

At first I took it very personal.. until just recently.. something clicked in me. I began to see that part of the game was for me to question my own paranoid thoughts about the game. This is the catalyst the game swings upon; for if you question your very sanity about the insanity of others.. they have you.. tied up like puppet, pulling your strings.. it was that realization that helped me to rise above the game.. to rise above it and see the big not take it personally, because to those playing the game of ( I am the most important and the most popular one in the sandbox) I am able to forgive the players..and myself for being drawn into the insanity of the game..the game of musical chairs..were the rules change constantly..and truthfully there are no we accomplish nothing undermining each other..we just exhaust each other and loose the truth of who we all are.

So I have learned this.. my city is very dysfunctional..and so I am not able to network effectively there is nothing effective taking place in my city within the professional networking communities..the circles..circling into an endless mad dance of madness..

Yet many of these people I do care deeply about regardless of their transgressions towards I see you are caught up in the madness and that you are blinded by the insanity.. like the tale of the red shoes.. so wanting to be noticed for the sake of being notable ..that you have forgotten to simply dancing for the sake of JOY..

You have forgotten yourselves in the race. The pettiness and the selfishness..will not make the world a better place..

That my dear friends.. that will take sacrifice.

On The Bright Side: A wonderful review for my book



5.0 out of 5 stars Realising and releasing the power of sacred feminine sexuality., Aug 15 2013
This review is from: The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine (Kindle Edition)

The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine by Gracie Ackerman

The author speaks intimately and directly from her personal experience as an warm, sensitive, intellectual, sensual woman. As a daughter, a wife, a mother and a friend, she takes us through a journey of appreciating ancient sacred mythologies in a way that no academic (or man) could ever make accessible. She provides a first-hand account of her life through a sacred lens.

Gracie Ackerman delicately interweaves the highly practical and sometimes brutally pragmatic real world experiences of abuse, betrayal, self-awareness, struggle and liberation, with the poetic and divine insights into the practical application of ancient wisdom. The author weaves the ancient wisdom and her practical wisdom with such seamless ease that it is impossible to separate the two. Through the stories, questions, evocative poetry and sublime photographs, the ancient and modern are woven into one.

The combination of weaving the deeply personal with the sacred roots of mythology is in direct contrast to and challenges the plastic, commercialised, over-sensationalised, under-felt world of pornography and commercialisms that pervades every corner of our new world.

Not since I read the “The Female Eunuch” and “The Whole Woman” by Germain Greer, “The Secret Garden” by Frances Hodgson Burnett, “The Second Sex” by Simone de Beauvoir or “Revolution from Within” by Gloria Steinem have i been so deeply touched by such an authentic resonance and inspiration as Gracie Ackerman’s journey into the true liberation of female sexuality.

In a time of increasing polarities, where both the Christian extreme right and the extremist Islam fundamentalists try to assume control of the media and the minds of our young, this book could not have been better timed. It rises above the noise of religious politics and dogma to an sacred space where both men and women can rediscover their deepest divine power.

Gracie Ackerman introduces us to a trusted space where men can learn to love what is missing most in their lives. where mature women can learn how to access their rich inner power of sensuality without guilt or shame and where young girls who are coming of age, can learn how to see through the lies that could prevent them from being in touch with their sacred sexuality and power of the divine goddess within.

Thomas A Wolfe (San Jose)

Abused by Him: Abused by the Legal System


Citations taken from ( Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft

Pg 268

“” The treatment that protective mothers so often receive at the hands of family courts is among the most shameful secrets of modern jurisprudence. This is the only social institution that I am aware of that so frequently forbids mothers to protect their children from abuse.””

Pg 290

“” It often falls to the abused woman herself, unfortunately, to try to educate people around her whose help and support she needs, so that they will understand the dynamics of abuse and stop supporting the abusive man. Much of why an abuser is so able to recruit allies, besides his own manipulativeness and charm, is his skill in playing on people’s ignorance…””

Pg 313

“” Many abusers see the legal system as another opportunity for manipulation. Whether or not he succeeds in that approach will depend largely on how well trained the crucial public officials are on the subject of abuse..””

Pg 321

“” This legal history plays an important role in shaping today’s cultural views among males and females about the abuse of women. It is likely to take a number of generations to overcome the accumulated impact of hundreds of years of destructive social attitudes.””

Pg 322

“” Religious scriptures in the world today, including the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, and major Buddhist and Hindu writings, explicitly instruct women to submit to male domination. Genesis, for example includes the following passage ‘” Unto the women he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”..””

And so it is all of these examples that I have given you.. I as an abused woman ( emotionally and financially abused) educate you to this abuse. And so it is in order for some to hear me I must use a man’s writing, education, reputation and power to be heard as to what I have been living and writing all along.

Such is the prejudice.. so woven into our subconsciousness.

This is what my ex has done,, using the system to abuse me; by filing ( non compliance) because my car was in to poor of shape to drive the kids to him.

Pg 310

“‘ .. the man who repeatedly assaults his partner verbally or physically and then has the pleasure of handing her a court order… and of course the shock to the woman of discovering that the court has kicked her when she was already down can propel her several more yards in the direction of resignation and bitterness..””

The reason why I have not been able to use the justice system to create equality and fairness since the separation is that I cannot afford a lawyer; he was manipulative and controlling in the marriage; even though we worked towards the family assets together, he had all the assets and money put into his name when I was vulnerable and pregnant..  he used that I had multiple miscarrages to manipulate me into compliance.. because the stress of standing up to him could cause me to loose another baby..and it had in the past.

Pg 263

“”Taking Advantage of his financial position

Most men are in a better economic position than their ex-partners for at least the first few years following separation. This imbalance is greater for abusers because they may control and manipulate the finances while the couple is together and sometimes make dramatic attempts to destroy their partner economically as the relationship dissolves.””

My ex cut me out of all business accounts leaving the joint family account balance at 0.0 ..about 6 months into the separation saying I was making him broke.

The reason that he still believes that I have no right to see his financial information ( but he has a right to see mine, tell me how to live my life and how to budget) is this…

Pg 54

“”ENTITLEMENT is the abuser’s belief that he has special status and that it provides him with exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner. The attitudes that drive abuse can largely be summarized by this one word””

Pg 242

“” The selfishness and self-centeredness that his entitlement produces cause role reversal in his relationships with his children, in that he considers it their responsibility to meet his needs..””

For my ex.. he doesn’t want to pay the extra expense of putting the kids into sports or activities so that he can go to Mexico and experience other activities for himself.. he believes that his standard of living is more important than his children’s..and so they go without so he can have what he feels entitled to have.

He stated that our oldest daughter can babysit her younger siblings for long hours at a time.. so instead of a normal life of a teenage girl.. belonging to groups and activities, he would rather see her take on the expense of  the amount of daycare that he should pay as an expense.. therefore taking on her adult father’s responsibilities. He had her do this at his home to prove his point of knowing what is best for all concerned..exhibiting his patterns of control.

Pg 240

“” At the core of the abusive mind-set is the man’s view of his partner as his personal possession. And if he sees her as his fiefdom ((The estate or domain of a feudal lord.)) how likely is he to see the children as being subject to his ultimate reign? Quite.”

He has told the court that he wants to reverse the roles.. he wants the children to come and live with him 85% of the time

“”Children are a tempting weapon for an abuser to use against the mother. Nothing inflicts more pain to a caring parent .””

Pg 259

“”Why He Uses The Children as Weapons Postseparation

1. He wants her to fail

The last thing an abuser wants is for his partner to thrive after they split up, since that would prove that he was the problem. So he tries to make her parenting life as difficult as possible so that her life will stay stuck.

2. He is losing most of his other avenues for getting to her

Separation means that the abuser doesn’t get his daily opportunities to control the woman and cut her down. He may still be able to get at her through various financial dealings

4. He considers the children his personal possessions

5. His perceptions of his ex-partner are highly distorted

An abuser strives to prove that his ex-partner is a poor mother by pointing to symptoms that are actually the effects that his cruelty has had on her: her depression, emotional volatility, her difficulty managing the children’s respect of her. He feels that he needs to save them from her, a stark and disturbing distortion.””

Of course he has done all of these things… keeping $24,000 in the separation of the assets, causing me to drop out of college because he refuses to pay for daycare.. making it impossible for me to work outside of the home without the help of these extra expenses being met my him. Asking that the courts give him primary care of the children..etc..

I have taken how an ABUSER treats a woman ..only the role of the abuser from Pgs 370 to 372

As this is how he treated me in the council office in front of a judge ..the last time we spoke.

THE ABUSER Pressures her severly

THE ABUSER Talks down to her ( he spoke of me in third person like I wasn’t even in the room to the judge..calling me she and her)

THE ABUSER Thinks He knows what is good for her better than she does

THE ABUSER Dominates conversations

THE ABUSER Believes her has the right to control her life

THE ABUSER Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

THE ABUSER Thinks for her.


Please google Lundy Bancroft ..this book has been of great value.. It is my deepest hope that my life experiences and this post will help other’s to stand up and stand their ground who are being they system, by a partner or others..

I think I will use this as an affidavit..and send it to my ex 🙂

The Female Narcissist: The Clay Woman


Citation taken from ( The Mythology Bible by Sarah Bartlett) Bitiou and the clay bride… pg 320

“” The potter god felt sorry for him and made him an artificial bride out of clay. Bitiou fell in love with her and showed her where his heart was hidden.

The girl would wash her hair in the river near the tree and its magical perfume wafted downstream to the pharaoh’s place, casting a spell over all who lived there. The pharaoh wanted to find out who had bewitched him, he found the artificial girl and immediately asked her to marry him. She agreed because she wanted wealth, and told the pharaoh to cut down the acacia tree because she was bound to its power. The moment he chopped it down Bitiou died……..””

The quote above ..this mythology expresses the archetype of the female narcissist… she is empty .. so when a man shows her true love and real intimacy she is totally blind to the sweetness of him. She uses her beauty to manipulate and seduce not only the man with the money, but all of his friends and family as well..she is charming and cunning .. to her everyone is but a pawn..and she is the master mind behind the game. It doesn’t matter to her how many trees she cuts down to get to were she is going ( People) if they are in the way of her advancement then they must be cut away..she is aware of their suffering but sees it as being better that they suffer instead of her.

In the end of this mythological story she is brought to justice ..because her actions are made known and brought into light..she is exposed to the people of the the woman that only loves herself.. her karma catches up to her in the end.

In every day life she is the type of woman that collects male friends to do her bidding.. she has many a Bitiou who have shown her were their hearts are hidden..and so she uses their love for her against them to have them do the hard work of her life for her. It is her prime objective not to have to work.. to be adored above all other women..and to have the dirty work of everyday living done for her by her lovesick pawns.

She is prejudice, she puts people in categories of importance to her purposes. She is jealous of her main man..the man that does the most for her. She will demand his full attention; she will seclude him from friends and family..because she should be his main objective; her needs his primary concern. She will with hold love and affection to keep him on track.. her main weapon is drama.. the more she can keep him off balance guessing..the more he will not see the real game..and that is to bleed him dry.

Once she sees that she has weekend him.. once he needs any real intimacy or affection from her..she will move onto what she sees as a more powerful man.

If she has children they are ornamental to her..simply she uses her children for social status; for pity, as tools of manipulation.. to her everyone is a pawn in her game of drama and control.

The reason for this the fear of lack..and the fear of weakness..she sees emotion and intimacy as vulnerability .. to her this is to be avoided at all cost; because she doesn’t want to do the internal work ..that would take her on the painful journey of discovering the hole inside of her own heart..she doesn’t understand that she must go into the emptiness to fill the void within herself .. and so she will live a life full of addictions and distractions..the hole inside..the emptiness of The Clay Woman to be filled by the power of others..

You will spot her by her actions or lack of action in her own life.. how many people does she have lined up taking care of her..doing the dirty work of living for her? How many failed relationships that she blames on others? When you need her does she run and cut you loose? How many addictions does she have? How much drama does she create to distract you from the fact that she is using you?

Her opposite is The Wild Woman..the woman who lives on the fringes of the forests of life.. collecting her own fire wood.. hunting her own food..getting dirty in everyday life; the woman who struggles for the sake of pride and true dignity.. the one that fights the lonely battle; the woman who puts her children’s needs equal to or a head of her own when need be. The woman who loves and has compassion for the fallen and the imperfect.. this is her opposite ..the real woman compared to the artificial bride.



Deliver me the light that shines inside of me

Help me give birth to me

Set me free from adversity

My enemies wish to hold me here

In captivity of their ingnorace

Light inside, shine so bright

That all is made known

To them and me

Set us all free

The Hero on Heaven’s Mission

Walks alone,

The path unfolds

Faith made known

The journey walked by the Fool

Light inside shine bright

So all my let go of the fight

To do what is right

The star of hope

I call upon you

Break through

Light of Truth.

Sex, Submission and Control


Sex, submission and control the hottest, hot button words in the erotic publishing world.

Why do you suppose this is?

Do we seek out giving our control to other’s as a way of raising or senses to the risk of total domination.. if so why do we seek out a lover to dominate us..and why do lovers seek to dominate?

Does this act of domination and control start before the bedroom? Can we actually be having sex with others, and can we be being sexually dominated and dominate others without the actual physical act of sex?

Do we live in a world that sees women predominately as the submissive sex partner? And if so why?

As women why do we want to be dominated.. can it be sexually healthy..and if so when does it turn around to becoming an unhealthy addiction?

Are we all secretly co-dependents and  narcissists.. do we all move through both states of co-dependents to narcissists .. to the submissive and the one who dominates? What if both states are healthy within reason? Is this why we seek it play out the negative and positive polarities in the bedroom?

Why do we think drama is unhealthy when it makes life so interesting? Why do we think highs and lows amount to depression..when they could simply be our natural state of being?

We seek to be controlled to let go for the sake of the rush..for the drama.. to simply not know the outcome of the sexual adventure..and we seek to dominate to have the outcome within our control..therefore causing both states to bring about a high in the state of arousal.. why should this be considered wrong.. if it doesn’t hurt either party?

Some seek to only this brings them a pure state of erotic bliss..and for the submissive the same..other’s play both roles for the same reasons..

It simply becomes unhealthy when the trust is broken..when one hurts or demeans the other or the one being hurt has an acute victim complex..

Until then keep the play and drama going.. spank, whip, call names, nails and hot wax.. pretend others are watching.



I opened up my heart.

I made myself vulnerable to you,

it is the way of love.. the walls must come down.

It is the way of love to have to open up.. to make one’s heart known.

But with these open gates..  will arrows to come rushing through?

It is the way of love.

I am exposed to you.

What will you choose to do?

Will you see it as away to use me?

To abuse me?

Or will you love me 2?

It is the egos way to use the vulnerable to play cruel games.

But it is the way of the Angels to enter into Heaven’s Gates.

What will you be to me.. Angel or Ego?

It is a risk to take,

will I feel the blade?

Or will you rush through Heaven’s Gates?