Archive for May, 2013

My Inner Demons

 

I couldn’t sleep last night because my inner demons tormented me.. I crunched numbers in my head.. trying to figure out how on earth I was going to pay all the bills on time and have extra money to buy my kids the extra things that their dad refused to buy.. I cried and my heart raced with panic. My inner demons screamed at me ” They would be better off with their father, he has all the money, all the luck and people love him. No one will ever love you, you will never be successful.. people can’t stand you in this city.. you should give up. Give up everything, no one wants you or your message. Remember they told you that. They think you are a whore. They think your a looser, single mother, they think your crazy. GIVE UP!!!” I cried as all hope left me.. “What if I am a fool, what if it is all true.?” My demons screeched back to me ” Of course it’s true, your own brother and sister hate you. Your ex and all of his family deserted you. People will never understand you; you have never fit in and you never will, no one will every get you. Your not lovable, your detestable.. you are a social reject, no man in his right mind would want to waist his time with you and your bad luck.. GIVE UP!!”

I told my demons ” Shut up, stop jumping on my heart, stop trying to break my heart and my spirit.. I need to sleep.. I need my health.. I need my piece. I will ask at my gym for a job tomorrow.. I will find a part time job somehow.. I will get by… I will.”

I had nightmares all night.. of all the people in the professional community that despised me.. all the people that made cruel comments on my blog and facebook.. all my struggles.. nightmares of my ex and loosing my children.. nightmares of people breaking into my home to hurt me.. I woke up a lot.. in the morning I was sad.. so sad, tired and drained from stress and sorrow.

I did go to the gym.. I did ask for a job.. It is so hard for me to ask anyone for anything..even work..but there was no position available until maybe September.. then my demons started at me through my work out ” Your ex will not pay for school supplies and school clothing for the kids.. your fucked, the kids are better off with him, you can’t do it.. no one wants you to work for them.. ” I kept working out.. I kept at it.. I did my deadlifts .. increasing my weights up to 45 on each side of the barbell.. should be more than 100 I am lifting with the barbell.. My trainer told me I am pretty.. another lady at the gym told me I am looking good.. ” Hang on to that Gracie” I think to myself.. ” Hang on to the positive.” my demons say ” They are just being nice stupid.” ohh how they are tormenting me like never before..but I work through my entire workout..and no one knows the conversations within; as my nasty, rotten ego pounds the shit out of me.. I cry in the shower at the gym..were no one can hear me.. I give in and break under the torment.

” Hang on” I think.. ” You can do this, you can make it through this.. remember the facebook message..the guy who said he has a business opportunity for you.. maybe this will be the thing to get me through this.”

I got home and I called him.. but .. but.. but

He wanted me to help him promote his online escort service through my erotic writing.. ” It can make you a lot of money.. a LOT OF MONEY$$$$$$$$.. It’s not about pornography” he said.. I questioned him with ” Is it legal?’ ” Yes he said..and don’t over think it.. that’s your problem your making it too complicated.. you think to much.. this can make you a ton of money ..think about it with a business frame of mind.” “but” I said ” My website and book are about sacred sex..about sex for love..this will go against everything I stand for.”.. ” Just think about it .” he cautioned me..” Be wise and give it some thought.” So I did.

Driving to pick up my kids from school my demons said ” You need the money to support your kids.. just think about having more money than your ex.. just think about the exposure on a world wide market selling your writing and getting your name out into the world.. think about fame and money..think about supporting your kids properly.. sometimes you just have to give in and do what the devil does.”

It was raining..as my children ran out of the school doors..but they wanted to stay and play as usual.. I sat under my big green umbrella ..hiding myself even after the rain stopped.. because I didn’t want the children playing to see my sad face.. I thought to myself ” look at them all innocent, beautiful and sweet.. I don’t want them growing up in this world were integrity is sold out for money.. were sex is a commodity that is stripped of love.” I hope no one saw the odd tear that slipped down my face.. I was so ..so filled with sorrow..

I remembered the day that I took the pictures for my website.. I saw myself then.. filled with hope..filled with divine inspiration to unite love and sex.. to bring back the sacred..even when those dirty old men hid behind trees to see me naked.. I knew what they didn’t know.. I was swimming upstream.. like the little salmon.. swimming up to the future to deliver the next generation to hope..to dream .. to aspire.

And I knew I couldn’t sell out..

Just then my son came running up to me for a hug.. my little kindergartener.. his hood up to protect him from the rain.. his blond, scruffy bangs blowing in the wind.. his bright blue eyes filled with wonder.. his sweet little pink cheeks and lips.. and he put his cheek into my hand..and said ” Mommy I love you.”

The demons were silenced.

Censorship

 

 

 

I was reported by someone to facebook for this image of me as Isis. It was reported as pornography or nudity. I was informed by facebook that if I didn’t take this image down ( delete ) from my facebook .. my facebook account would be deleted.. so I guess they win that little battle.

But I feel sorry for them that they are caught up in such small pettiness that they can’t see the big picture. What makes me so different is that I am an artist using my own true to life image to create art. I am also a woman doing something so different it pushes people out of their comfort zone; you see women have had to have male permission or male money to promote their own beauty.. and then it has been turned into pornography and used to degrade them.. we live in a society based upon puritan or pornographic standards for women’s sexuality.. this dis-empowers women… A male based society actually pimps women’s sex and beauty to create industry.. this is exactly what my book is based upon. Religion degrades women my stating through scripture that men should rule over women..and so our society today still runs and lives by these standards.. and so a woman like me that is freed of societies prejudice and oppression is seen as loose and slutty. I was going to call my book The Dirty Goddess to get that point across. A woman that is comfortable in her body is seen as dirty and impure by puritan standards.. and pornographic .. to be disrespected by dirty minds.. in other words if you see this image as dirty.. than you have been brainwashed by society to see art, culture, and natural, healthy women’s sexuality as pornography.. pornography uses women’s sex to make money for men.. it degrades women by giving them a small fraction of what this male run industry makes.. it also pays her more money and gives her more fame if she is willing  to degrade herself and disrespect her own principles.. the more twisted and hurtful the image the more money it makes from the dirty minds that pay into the porn industry.

 

I am attempting to change this; to make women’s sexuality and bodies natural and beautiful… to help women express and live in their true sensual essence .. to some women this can be see as a threat as well because many have become comfortable being nice girls,, being princess, by having a man make all the decisions .. it makes them feel safe..but if he was to turn his back on her.. so would all the power be turned way from her as she is lead by his whims. A truly empowered woman is a Queen not a princess..she is able to make her own way, make up her own mind, make her own choices and own her own sex and body.

The fact that this picture was seen as pornography is indeed a sad fact. Isis represents The Holy Mother. I am topless as Isis because her breast represent abundance, health and healing.. as does a mother’s milk. She is the nurturer .. she was loyal to her husband and her people.. she is the Queen of all Queens.. how is it that society has lost it’s way so deeply that we see The Holy Mother as dirty?

How very sad for the person that reported this image.. that they cannot see the sacred in the feminine..

I am sorry for you lost soul.

Single Mother/Struggling Artist

 

At my gym today a friend of mine; who had read my blog and all the nasty comments on my blog..said to me ” Gracie your so brave just laying it all out on the line about everything why don’t you just tell them through a post why you can’t get work outside of your home and what your financial struggles are?” As I talked to her about it I became really sad.. I had to struggle with being even more vulnerable writing this..and actually even thinking about writing this makes me feel depressed.. then later today a friend of mine put a post up on her facebook about struggling artist.. and again I felt compelled to write this post.. even though I am really having to reach deep inside of myself to find the courage through my vulnerability to do this..

I am not able to work because of the way the separation agreement between my ex and I was set up by Fairway Divorce.. my ex has to agree to pay for daycare, he has to agree to pay for extra expenses and he will not set up a parenting plan with me as to when he will see the children.. he sets forth a schedule that he makes up without my input and he changes it at his will. I have filed papers without a lawyer to the court to change this but I have not been given a court date.. I attempted to go back to school about a year and half ago… My lawyer who was working with Fairway Divorce told me he was obligated to pay for the daycare..but she didn’t read the agreement properly.. she burned up $3000 of my money in 6 weeks going back and forth to his lawyer only to have me drop out of classes in the end as I had to pay for the daycare myself..and it broke me in my bank and my spirit at the time.. it was a very dark time for me.. My ex still ownes me $24000 in the spitting of the assets that I have to go after him in court without a lawyer because simply a lawyer’s fees would eat up the assets.. and I would be fighting and stressing for nothing.. I have not gone after the money as of yet as I truly fear him.. I have tried legal aid but I am not poor enough to qualify.. I have a girlfriend that is going through the same thing with a lawyer right now that is breaking her bank and spirit due to the fact that her ex is just as selfish, dangerous and self entitled as mine.. she has parents to help her with the money.. I have no family.

I have no family to help me to watch my kids.. if I were to go to work when they are in school I have no one to go and pick up my youngest from Kindergarten when he has an accident.. his teacher is on her final year ..she will soon retire and I think she is simply tired as she calls up parents to get their kids for every little sniffle..

I have no family..and that for some is hard to understand.. I simply have no one.. no one.

The summer is coming up and my kids will be home for school; if I was to pay for daycare cost myself.. I would simply be working outside of the home to pay for daycare cost.. it’s just that fricken simple.. Even if I did get the subsidy it would cover a fraction of the cost of daycare..and it takes 8 weeks for the subsidy to finally payout the childcare worker..there are few people willing to do that.. it’s is why my daycare quit on me while I was trying to go to college.

I tried to create my own work through the writing of my book and the creation of my website.. I am also trying to work at doing Passion Parties on the weekends I don’t have my kids.. I am doing all that I can to work around this.. but it is difficult..and I am finding the arts and culture in my city to be highly repressive and clicky.. Kelowna is clicky.. it’s not about talent it’s about social status ( connections ) and money.. if you don’t have them you are ignored, shunned and shut out.. I am finding Kelowna to be a total shut out.. I am working so hard by writing on my website as much as possible and doing my best at other online social networking outside of my city..

I am just scraping by financially..and it scares the shit out of me.. I worry and cry myself to sleep some nights.. I have no one to comfort me and tell me it’s going to be OK.. I have no emotional or financial support ( No I am not asking for money, by writing this post.. only sharing my story)

I am working as hard as I can to manifest my big break.. but as we all know sometimes it just doesn’t happen for artist..actually it doesn’t happen often.

I don’t want to be with a man just for money or social connections.. I don’t want to be used or use anyone.. I want love.

I wrote and created my book and website for the love of the arts..

I hope my message in the bottle returns.

Love should create more love.

What Scares Me About Love

 

When I fall in love.. I fall hard.. it scares me because I want to trust him completely. When I fall in love I am loyal to a fault. I will fight for him, I will let no one hurt him. When I fall in love, I love him; not his money, not his social status, not his things, his friends or his family..  When he falls I want to be the one to pick him up. I want to nurture him.. heal him .. I want to be the one he vents all of his fears and frustrations to..and then I will be the one to keep every one of his secrets.. I want him to know I am safe for him to be who he really is.. I will be his best friend.

The world is so broken to think it is all just about sex and money.. when it is the heart to heart connection that I crave ( it is why I am still alone.. I have not found a man brave enough to let me into his heart ) I have not found a man that can love with the vulnerability that I can.. I have not met my partner.

What I fear the most about love is simply that the world has forgotten about love. The world has made sex so dirty. The relationships between men and women so empty..

I fear being in a relationship just for money.. I fear the control and the coldness..the lack of self respect leading to no respect in a relationship based on finances and sex.. I fear being with the broken down cold hearted majority.. I can not live that way.. I would rather be alone.

The thought to being alone for the rest of my life also scares me..because the ghost of the man I long for would follow me..but like a dream..fade in the light of day.. leaving me longing for what might of been.. this also makes me sad.

But after years of being married to an empty man I can not allow coldness back in..as my heart is finally warming.. filled with passion and life again.

I would rather be alone and dream of the man that would make me feel loved and safe again.. I would rather struggle on my own with lack of money and the finer things.. then let someone else’s ice settle around my heart again..

I would rather be alone and dream of my dream of him than settle for anything less than true love again.

ASSHOLE

 

The word is mainly used as a vulgarity, generally to describe people who are viewed as stupid, incompetent, unpleasant, or detestable.

 

My girlfriend decided that she was going to bring a date with her to the white party ..at Okanagan Pride.. So I picked her up and then we went to pick him up.. I didn’t like him.. even before we picked him up because he couldn’t give me proper directions .. and we ended up driving in circles, wasting gas to pick up some asshole ( makes me laugh because it just keeps getting better )

So he seems nice enough  ( fake) as we are driving there buttering me up with his bullshit because he can tell I am not impressed. As we parked and made our way to my first gay party ( that I was really exited about) he let some stupid gay jokes out.. pissing me off and furthering my annoyance of him.

As soon as we got into the party I could leave them both together and I could go and meet all the wonderful Queens and their partners. It was so much fun! Everyone dressed up and strutting their stuff.. what I love the most.. is that I understood that they were showing their beauty from the inside out.. that gay people are some of the most authentic people in society..and the bravest..and the most heartfelt.. having to fight a society full of prejudice and sometimes outright hatred, but still living out loud wearing their hearts on their sleeves. I ran into my landlord who is gay and married to his partner.. he is such a sweet heart. I ran into a hairdresser that I know that is hottest boy man ever.. he is like naughty Peter Pan..very cool energy. I ran into a woman that I know from my favorite costume store.. she was dressed like a vampire-gypsy ..with black contacts.. so artistic and expressive. I was given the most wonder full hug by Glitter Man.. he had glitter all over his hair and bare chest. He said ” I am gonna glitter hug you..and make you sparkle.” He pressed his chest up against my cleavage and sparkled me all up.. he was so adorable. I loved his energy.. like a wild little child,  wiggly and dramatic.. he was so cute.. I just loved watching him dance. I loved seeing all the big tall Drag Queens.. it was just fabulous.. I saw the star of the night.. in his silver ball gown..and helped him get his dress out of his cream colored.. metal spiked high heels.. they were all Goddesses.. everyone of them.. I handed out some of my passion party business cards..and the reactions to me selling sex toys were priceless.. it was like had handed them the keys to heaven ( giggle) and of course that is exactly what good sex and sex toys are like  ;)

But then ASSHOLE wanted to leave.. fuck. I think I missed the last Drag Queen Show.. Here I was the one driving but the pushy little prick wanted to go. I was worried that stupid fuck face would say something homophobic so… ya know it was smart of me to get him and his negative energy out of such a higher and positive energy place.. honestly he wasn’t worthy of being there or with us..but anyway.

Turns out fuck face had a gambling problem.. as soon as we left he wanted us to go with him to the Casino to watch him waste his money. I said ” We came out to party and dance not sit around with old people in depends playing slots to watch you ignore us to loose yourself in your addiction.” can you tell I had enough right early on? I said ” If my girlfriend wants to go with you and if you both want to make it into a date night, I can leave, go do my own thing and you two can take a cab home. Just let me know what you want. I am not going to the fucking Casino.” Oh he tried to run it..but I put my foot down.. as the night progressed and we hit a few pubs and night clubs.. asshole got worse.

Every time my girlfriend even just turned her back on him.. he put his hands on me. And then he would be all over her (((((( ASSHOLE))))))….FUCK… *SIGH*.. {eyes rolling} OMG!.. once when my girlfriend went to the bathroom.. he got up really close to me and told me ” If I wasn’t with your girlfriend I would love to fuck you. Your so cute, classy, adorable, sweet ( blah blah blah blah)” and during all that bullshit talk he had his hands all over my bare back and neck.. I fucking had it. I said to him ” If my friend wasn’t here, you wouldn’t be here. I would tell you to fuck off.”.. I said ” OH you think your smooth….. don’t you? It’s all just bullshit. You really think you can get both of us? Do you really think so?” .. he backed off some then.. and I told her what happened ( I am honest.. I would want to know..and it is what good friends do)

 

So we went out to another pub..just before closing..and the faces he made looking down my dress.. OMG GROSS!

Finally the night was over..we dropped off ASSHOLE.

Guys …….don’t be him.. please!!

Motherhood is Messy

 

It’s funny that once a dog has puppies she is called a bitch.. It kinda works that way. Once you become a mother your less likely to take shit from people.. you go from maiden to mistress.. in that you learn to own it. You learn to own you body for the first time in your life.. you learn about morning sickness and leaky breast.. you are baptized in poop..those wonderful breast milk poops that come out of your babies bottom like hot squirting lava.. you learn about blood.. you learn that childbirth has been made romantic and dreamy by media bullshit.. in birth you learn it’s a blood bath.. it’s all blood and water..birthing water mixed with blood..shit yes you learn to own your body and you learn that you need to be a bitch to get shit done.. to get your message across to your partner when your so sleep deprived that words escape you.. just a grunt and a point .. ” just hand me the fucking bottle!”

 

My girlfriend and I are both now single mothers; contending with nasty pouting exes.. both of them keeping money and assets away..both of them abusive and controlling .. mine still owns me $24,000.00 My girlfriend is going broke paying lawyers  just to do simple things..  I know that I have to go after my ex without a lawyer because lawyers fees would eat up the entire amount in the attempt to get him to pay what he legally owes. Both of us are concerned for our safety as both of our exes seem to be capable of harming us.. I really am afraid to go after him for the money.. this also is the messy part of single parenting..Divorce and separation of assets..and of course to our exes we are bitches that deserve nothing.

 

Being a single mother on mother’s day sucks.. both of us didn’t want to take ourselves out for a mother’s day brunch or winery tour.. or buy ourselves flowers and chocolates.. knowing that other married mother’s were being spoiled by family was a real downer for us.. we took our kids to the park.. and when our kids were busy playing we got down to bitchen in a good way.

 

Both of us are highly sexed women.. meaning that sex means a lot to us..so guess what we talk about most of the time….?? The lack of good sex. How sex deprived we both were in our marriages .. and how on earth were we going to meet someone worth it? Seriously.. we both just want that guy we want to molest constantly..and the guy that takes pride in giving a woman pleasure… not just getting himself off.. no way! There are so many guys like that..

 

“No overly religious guys” I blurted ” I hate that fucking ..be a good girl and let me be the head of the house shit” My Friend says ” Oh my God.. when they start talking about how God has done this or that.. I run. There is a woman I know that married a guy that was a Muslim..he was so anal.. he made her cover her head and shit.” I laughed ..she said ” I don’t think they believe in divorce.. I would rebel and come home with cum in my hair..” I BURST OUT LAUGHING..the way she said it touching her hair like it had globs of cum in it.. I was rolling on our picnic blanket busting a gut…I said ” Like with cum on your breath?” OMG.. we laughed ” I am gonna pee!” we both said..

 

Then we talked about living with just enough while or exes had all the freedom to work and play at will..while our entire income went into raising the kids..while they traveled and bought new vehicles.. we talked about the endless cycle of housework, cooking and grocery shopping.. about all the responsibility and about how hard it was to find free time to work, to take care of ourselves, to have any free time..and then the mother guilt that the ex husbands didn’t have..

 

Than back to sex again.. and eating watermelon and mango..both sexy foods you know? “What kind of sex do your crave?” she asked me ” I want someone who is physical like me and has my energy..someone who isn’t afraid to explore..and who will like it when I tell him what I need him to do.”  ” What about you” I asked her. ” The same fucking thing!” She said.. I told her ” A man that makes  you feel marked by him.. you know he is so passionate that you couldn’t imagine being with any other guy but him.. like he owns your mind and body..because no one can make you as hot as him.” “FUCKING EXACTLY.. that’s fucking hot..do you think we can find it?” ..” I hope so.” I said depressed.

 

” I am so sexually frustrated..doing the passion parties and reading about great sex and even having someone to re-start a spark with.. you know I am so sick of taking care of my own business.. it has been so long since I have been with a man..and then the last couple of guys that I have been with in the last 3 1/2 years since my marriage ended..well they were a disappointment .. I have been deprived for fucking years!”.. I said with utter frustration..” I think I am just so fucking frustrated.. I am on match.com but it’s just ..like yuck..guys that don’t give a shit about their bodies..don’t have my level of energy..they all seem boring as hell.. my vibrator will do compared to these guys.. no fucking thanks!

 

” Me too Gracie… me too”

 

So what is the fucking point to this post.. the point is mommies are not all sunshine and cookies.. we are that as well but we are also real women.. with real issues and real bodies and real needs.. that’s the point.

 

 

Dreaming of Him

 

He was a small boy once.. he missed his mother when he was at school. He was different than many of the other children, from a different culture..his skin was dark. They were not used to him, the small little brown boy..who was sensitive but kind. They ignored him..because they just didn’t know what to do with him. He watched them play in groups..he watched as the birthday invitations were passed out..but most of the time he was not invited. He longed to belong.. being shunned was the worst part. He longed to be heard, to be seen to be loved by them. He would rush home to his mother, to his culture..he would burst through the door to throw himself into her arms ; to press his cheek against her warm skirts that smelled like her cooking. He would nestle himself into his mother’s lap to listen to the sound of her heartbeat.. like he did as a baby. How he longed to fit in… his mother’s love comforted him from the pain of social rejection.

 

It was deeply rooted in him to belong..he decided as a young child that he would learn about people.. he would find out about everyone of them..and he did. He learned about human nature. He learned about love and belonging..he learned how to manipulate them with sweetness.. but it was not to hurt them.. never to hurt them; it was so they would never hurt him again..because he would make them see the love that was in him ..and he did.. he was successful!

 

He grew into a man that glowed with power.. he told them all how to be the best they could be..he gave them advice about how to be successful..and they were..but somehow along the way he got lost.

 

He found that he had built walls around himself.. he couldn’t find away to drop the social mask. He had trapped himself in his own perfection..and slowly he lost the path to his heart. He had money, status, and some fame.. he had external power..but somehow his flame was being smothered..because he had forgotten to build a window in his glass house.

 

Today this day he is in intense pain.. he can no longer deny.. he can no longer lie to himself.. by searching outside of himself .. he had lost the key to his own heart; an now this day … his heart is empty..his mind is busy and heavy.. his flame burning so low.. but there is no one to turn to.. as he is surrounded by those who believe the story he told himself that he told to them .. that he knows all the answers..but now he eats his ego slowly alone.. a quiet long death.

 

He eats his pride, he eats his success, but he is not filled.. he hurts but he cannot cry out to them.. he cannot cry out. Now he sees he is still the small boy that was misunderstood, neglected and ignored..because he didn’t embrace that he was different..they still don’t see him.

 

But sweet man..with the tender, tender heart.. you will transform in your death and in your darkness.

 

As I write this you must know that I am the key to your heart..I love you, I have always loved you.. I always will.

I am waiting for you to come to me .. I will keep your secrets forevermore.

Maybe I will just take a lover

 

I don’t want to get married and I don’t want a traditional relationship.. I don’t want to clean up all his shit.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to be and to feel like I am smothered and most of all I don’t want to be his mother.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to wait at home for him to show up late for dinner and then bicker.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

 

I don’t want to dress the same and do the same things with him everyday; I would rather play with him, not like the old fashioned way.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to watch TV in bed with him; I want to make passionate love with him instead.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t need constant attention and I don’t want to use manipulation to get it from him.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I don’t want to be told what to do day in and day out; I don’t want to be told who I am and I don’t want to scream and shout.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

I like to be alone most of the time, I like to have my things to be mine.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

 

 

He can have his place and I can have mine; we don’t need to be attached at the hip all the time.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

All I need is one good man, a man that is free and in his own power and only wants to sleep with me.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

We can live our private lives out of other’s prying eyes; I will keep his secrets and he will keep mine.

Maybe I will just take a lover.

Competition

 

I had an breakthrough.. a self breakthrough that I wish to share with you..because I hope it helps you in someway..

I was having a very difficult time with attempting to get through to other professional groups and networking organizations with the message of my book. I found out about the business world this year. I had helped my ex husband start up and run a successful landscaping business..that we had built together from the ground up..but of course what I did with him is entirely different than attempting to set forth a brand new culture. I knew it would be difficult. I knew some women would see my photography and writing about sexuality as a form of competing for male attention and I knew that many men see any form of a woman’s sexuality as pornography. I knew that attempting to heal society of pornography and prudishness was going to take some doing. And I knew also that our culture needed and needs to evolve towards healthy sexuality..but I was not prepared for the lack of understanding and maturity towards this message in my own city. Taking a stand towards ignorance can be a huge fight.. we have been shown this throughout history..even just in the name ( History) we can see it as his-story.. her-story being left out of our culture. *sigh* and so with the old culture still holding true I have been seen as ill-reputable, as slutty and cheap. Wishing to show women and to lead women away from sexual shaming ..to show through my own nudity the beauty in the female form… hoping to educate women and men..about how our sexuality has been sold back to us.. leaving us as a loveless culture.. I was seen as an attention whore.. and so the competition begun..as I attempted to prove myself as an educator/spiritualist/author and artist..but I couldn’t compete..as I was shut out, shut down and made to shut up.

 

The truth is I am not a professional business person at all.. I had no idea what I was up against or how cut-throat competition could be. I thought ( in the spiritual sense) that networking was creating a web were people could share and communicate ideas freely..that it would be cooperation and communication. I had no idea that I had to fit in.. I thought that being different was a good thing..but I was shown I was wrong..

 

In the spiritual sense I had a dream of The Greatest man..and in this dream he showed me his struggles and the struggles of his people towards freedom.. he shared with me the struggle of the underdog.. the one that is told that they don’t have a chance ..they don’t stand a chance..and any chance they get they make that path for themselves..and they work hard..they get hit hard.. but they get up and they train harder..because one fight just helps you learn for the next fight.

 

 

He says ” I know were I am going and I know the truth, and I don’t have to be what you want me to be. I am free to be what I want” ~ Muhammad Ali

I remembered my days in Judo.. I remembered being told..”There is no competition..your opponent is you..they are a reflection of your strengths and weaknesses.. you will learn..if you win the fight you will learn.. if you don’t win you will learn..but there is no loosing only lessons.. you will evolve as a fighter.. you will master yourself through them..they are not your opponent they are your teacher.”

I was a yellow belt.. I was told I was going to fight a brown belt .. I was told ” Chances are very high you will not win..but you will learn.”

I when she creamed me and used me to dust the mats.. I was asked ” What did you learn?” I replied ” I learned how she used my force against me.. I saw how she flowed as if she was dancing..she moved right through me.”..and I was told ” You will do the same.. you will do the same in daily life to..if you learn to flow with the force that is set against you.”

I had forgotten..I had..my dream..my highermind re-(mined) me.. I was not flowing I was drowning..in anger and resentment..in frustration and painful emotion and so it was controlling my mind and my heart.. it was hurting.

The Greatest said ” What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming.” ~ Muhammad Ali

And so I was becoming bitter, angry and frustrated with the force of ignorance pressing down on me.

But my opponent is me..it is in my mind..it is me fighting me.. there is no fighting there is only flowing when you know there is no competition.. when you know you stand steady in your center of who you are..of who you know yourself to be..

When Muhammad Ali went into the ring..he thought ” I am the Greatest. I said that even before I knew I was”

You see he had already fought his demons in his head.. he had already fought the prejudice in his soul.. he knew there was no competition and so there wasn’t..

He walked right through them.

2 Women Taking Sex

 

 

 

My girlfriend and I have the most honest and amazing talks about sex.. this time we were trying to figure out what went wrong with our ex husbands..and of course it boiled down to the fact that we were poorly sexually matched with our exes.. anyone who tells you that sex is not a foundation of a relationship is deluded..

My friend married her ex because he offered her stability and safety.. even though she knew that she was not turned on my him..

It was the same for me too.. He turned me on but his sex drive wasn’t as high and he had no sense of adventure in the bedroom.. our energy was not compatible ..but he wanted to get married and have children.. and so I thought I could suck it up..

My girlfriend told me stories of her weeping in to her pillow as he made love to her..

My story was similar .. I would dress up as a french maid to meet him at the front door as he walked in..to be told he was not in the mood and that dressing up and role playing didn’t do anything for him.. I too would end up weeping in my pillow ..alone

It seemed I couldn’t initiate sex without being told by him there was something wrong with me.. but I was hot and young..fit and beautiful.. I only wanted to explore him.. I know now that we were not a FIT.. at all..but how it hurt to be shamed for being sexually healthy.

My friend entered into an affair.. but even in the affair she found that she was being manipulated by a man that needed to have control over the sex..he had to initiate or nothing.. it had to be on his terms..and so we nick-named him Broke-back-Dick..because sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn’t ..what the hell..?

My friend stated ” I just want to find a decent guy that turns me on that wants to have sex every fucking day.. even every second day.”

I said ” I know! I wish I could find a guy that would go all marathon sex on me once in while..I mean a day of sex.. why does it seem like guys talk about being all ready for this shit but you can’t find a guy that is?”

My Friend ” We should just go all COUGAR.. I mean fucking hell.. those young guys fricken crawl all over us..and they are hard everywhere!”

Then we started on the fantasies.. fantasy #1

The Job Interview..

He says ” show me how bad do you want this job” and you show him!

Or you could flip this fantasy around.. You could be the interviewer and he could show you how badly he wants the job..

Fantasy # 2

Sex in public on a pool table.. we both agreed this one is hot!

Fantasy # 3

Being the cougar and and doing some S&M on a young hot boy/man

Or you could flip that one around too..

Fantasy # 4

The cop.. enough said!

 

Anyway you get the picture..we have both been so deprived of hot sex.. love and affection we are starting to doubt the existence of it..

Then we both agreed I should sell sex toys  ;)

 

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