Archive for April, 2013

In Love With Loneliness

 

 

 

For the first time in my life my home feels like my own.. It is my place, with my stuff.. it is my refuge from the busy and sometimes cruel world.

For the first time my time is my time.. I don’t have to explain to someone why I am doing the things I am doing. I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying the things I am enjoying.

I don’t have much money. I can’t travel the world..but I am at home in my own soul.

Even though I have many struggles.. and I have run up against some intensity trying to promote my book.. I can say this is mine too  :)

In comparison ..when I was married over 3 years ago.. everything was his. We started out a business together..bought a home together but somehow in his mind when I became pregnant I became owned by him..along with the house, the business, the cars, the stuff in the house.. I was basically demoted to a domestic employee. He took over the bank accounts and started to erode myself worth by constant put downs.. nothing I did was enough..and if I spent my time and energy on myself I was selfish and childish..

I am so happy to be alone now..when I think back to those days.. I was so sad..so drained.. he was an empty heart..and because of his own emptiness there was absolutely nothing I could do to fill him.. it was something he had to do on his own..but he would reflect his emptiness onto me..blaming instead of taking responsibility.. my responsibility was not leaving him after the birth of our first child..when he started to flirt with female employees and take over my life..treating me as subordinate .. I should have left with our baby daughter then.. I should have gone to the woman’s shelter as I had no family ( that is why he thought he could get away with it) instead I gave into my fear and stayed to have 2 more children.. he was the one who left to have his affair..

But looking back..what a favor that women did for me.. stealing him away.. away from me helping me grow.. helping me through sorrow create as an artist and a writer..to her I say ” THANK YOU”

Now being alone.. I am not so quick to want to just let any man into my life..because I am free. I don’t want to owe a man anything again.. I don’t want his money to buy me. I don’t want to be entrapped by the constant game of trying to live up to someone’s impossible expectations.. I would rather struggle financially on my own. I am not so quick to give up my body..as I love myself now..more than I can express..

My time at the gym and my healthy diet an expression of myself love..

Yes I miss a man’s touch.. painfully so sometimes.. yes I miss conversations and dinner’s out on the town..sharing looks and tender moments..but at what price? When he has a wandering eye.. looking over the fence at the greener grass and expecting me to be super woman to impress him?

No.. I am not in a hurry

I am in love with loneliness

The Hornets Stung Me

 

 

 

I am head by a century ..and the disappointment is getting me down..

Anger is all around..

It swarms in an angry cloud..

And that’s when the hornets stung me..

Sending me into a feverish dream..

Making me question everything..

As they attack me

Because…

I am ahead by a century.. and the disappointment is getting me down..

Bitterness all around..

Words thrown down..

And that’s when the words stung me..

Sending me into a frenzy..

Making me question me..

Causing me to hurt me..

Because..

I am ahead by century .. and the disappointment is getting me down..

The venom all around..

And that’s when the reaction took me..

Sending me into flight or fight..

Making me my worst enemy..

Bringing me to the ground..

Because..

I am ahead by a century..and the disappointment is getting me down..

 

( Inspiration taken from The Tragically Hip – Ahead by a century)

 

Moving on


 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=L6Cel24FOEw

The neat thing about this is that I own the deck of cards that Doreen is reading off of..and she is reading in my city of birth Vancouver BC

She is reading the cards as an over all feeling of energy throughout the planet.. I went and pulled these cards out of my deck and put them on my dresser on display early this Monday morning..and I received this news in the mail late in the afternoon.

Below is my comment to Doreen’s video on facebook.

“”You were right Doreen.. I received bad news in the mail today ( Monday) I filed a claim with the BC Human Rights tribunal..due to the fact that I have been sexually discriminated against by 2 of my cities networking organizations and some of their members against my website and self published book based upon The Goddess Archetypes..dealing with women’s sexuality and sacred sexuality..they will not hear the claim due to what they see as lack of solid evidence. They told me I could try filing against one member if I could prove the sexual harassment .. but I can’t..so there is no point. I have also been bullied online by these people as they use fake or no identities on my blog to comment..so I cannot prove nothing.. only that I can not be successful in my own city due to the fact that I cannot use these organizations to network.. it is a major loss and grief for me..as I know they are all gossiping and gloating at my failure to bring justice ( yet I am somehow relieved as their energy has brought my energy down and drained me for sometime.. it will be good to let them go) .. I am hoping with bated breath..that fortune will turn my way..and somehow I will get some financial help promoting my book and the message of women’s empowerment and sex for the sake of love.. the erotic not the pornographic..because I use myself as a model for my book..I express the Goddess through sensual yet classical artistic type photography.. I have been labeled as a whore in my city..and in the professional community.. promoting and living in the sacred..and believing myself in sacred sexuality.. I am far from a being a whore. I am going to share this comment on the blog part of my website..and I can link up your video above I will share it with the post I am going to write tonight.. but a least with your reading I had some emotional for-warning.. when I picked up the mail..and saw that it was from the Human Rights Tribunal.. I just knew this was going to be # 13.. the death and purification card.. death of the idea that I could bring justice..but purification of old, negative energy .. of people who are nothing like their online profiles say they are.. Thank you Doreen.. many blessings .. if you would like to read my blog”"

As much as I am very sad that my claim will not be heard.. I know because of this reading it is for the greater good.. it simply is not the will of the Universe..for reasons I just can’t see yet.. at the very least this reading gives me hope that something better is just around the corner..and that I am learning a positive life lesson staying in my grief and sorrow.. and that I can let these people go..as this has done nothing but drain me of my positive energy.. now I can move on and look forward to summer..I really want to write another book..

I see now this is for the best.. I can not even attempt to network with these people.. I can not even attempt to attend any of their supposed public functions.. were everyone is supposed to be welcomed.. for I simply am not welcomed but shunned by these people..it is something that I will have to accept..because by God I tried to change it.. but I can not change other’s perspectives..but I can go on and live my life..and do what I love to do..and that is to create and do the will of the higher good.

 

Good Enough

 

Since the start of puberty.. one feeling that hasn’t entirely left me is that I never feel quite good enough.

It seems as women we are constantly scrutinized over.. over every visual detail.

When I was younger.. I had freckles and chubby cheeks .. I was told I was cute but not considered to be really pretty like some of the girls.. I was a tomboy and that was OK but not as OK as being the cheerleader type.. I was not that type.. not quite good enough.

As I grew into a woman I was told I was pretty in different way but my waist was a little to thick and my boobs were a too big and I was to short to ever be considered a model..and I had a bit of an over bite and it was cute..some guy might like it…but not good enough to be considered to be as beautiful as a model..

It continued into College.. I was different..I was too smart.. most men would be put off by that so I should try to be softer inside and out.. not so blunt and demanding so that I could get a husband.. It took me awhile too.. my grandmother was concerned that I wasn’t quite good enough ..

And then I wasn’t good enough to keep my husband.. I was too smart.. too driven.. I didn’t feed his ego enough by playing myself down to help him feel more like a man.. he had an affair as I worked on my writing and my art.. I didn’t make him the center of my life.. like his mistress did.. according to many people .. I wasn’t a good wife.. I wasn’t quite good enough..

Now as I try to network and promote my book.. I am too blunt.. I am not kind enough.. I am unacceptable and inappropriate if I speak out about being left out.. I am not socially connected enough.. I am not wealthy enough.. and if I had a husband I would be seen as a good enough woman.. but without one there must be something wrong with me..  I am not good enough on my own..

Attempting to date I found out again I am not enough.. they want a simple woman who will not make their life complicated.. they want a hot woman without flaws.. I am too flawed.. I am to difficult and complicated.. once again to smart and willful .. just not quite good enough..

Standing naked in front of the mirror looking at my C-section scar.. my stretch marks.. my ageing skin.. all my faults that fashion magazines tell me I must get rid of.. my real breast.. my real nails and my real hair should be replaced by implants and hair extensions and fake nails.. It seems no matter how much I work out.. and I love my body there is a little voice ..sometimes a very loud voice telling me.. ” your not ever going to be good enough for him” ” Your not ever going to be good enough for them ( the world)”

I know many other women feel this way..and it is a shame that many other women do things to other women to make them feel this way..

So I just decided I am not going to compete for male attention..I haven’t for awhile now.. why bother your not ever going to be good enough anyway..

Or so the world thinks and wants all women to think ” your not enough”

I am just going to go to the gym without my make up on and I am doing it for me..

 

I have had enough..

THE TRUTH IS NEUTRAL

 

These comments are copied from my facebook, youtube, and email..  I have tried to maintain journalistic integrity.. I am simply attempting to show the truth without prejudice ..

First off I was simply attempting to reach these women with my message of equality.. I was attempting to communicate with them .. to show them how they were promoting inequality by placing higher value on other people that have wealth and influence in society.. also I am attempting to communicate with them that I wish to network with them and that I need their help to promote my book and message through their connections .. networking and publishing connections. What I have learned is that there is an intense prejudice in Kelowna.. or in the Okanagan due to how I have been treated as an individual without wealth or social connections by the women below and by their networking organizations such as Kelowna Women in Business.

 

In the last comment by Melonie Dodaro..she says that she did not know who I was until I commented on her facebook .. yet she was one of my first followers on Twitter .. I found KWIB through her online social connections to them as she was a member of the board in June 2012..I also tweeted her..and she answered me.. KWIB’s lawyer emailed me with their address when I named them when I filed my claim against them and another networking organization .. to the BC Human Rights Tribunal..due to prejudice against the sexuality of my book and website.. since she networks very closely still with KWIB it is highly unlikely that she does not know me.

 

As you will…come to your own conclusions..

 

From me.. Gracie Ackerman to Okanagan Women’s Magazine

 

I picked up and read your magazine at the local walk-in clinic.. I think you have the wrong woman on the cover. The Postpartum Hotline saved my life a few years back when I had just had my son. My now ex husband was having an affair on me and my sister was passing way from brain cancer..I was on the phone with these ladies often..and when I didn’t check in they called me. I think a woman promoting selfless acts of kindness deserves the recognition you bestowed upon a woman that all ready has everything. I don’t see the woman on the cover as a truly empowered woman as she was, and still is given a huge hand up by the men in her family. She was given the land, the education and the opportunity..she didn’t have to work for these things herself..although she maybe working the family investments..and land she is not a woman waging war on her own..as she seems to be very much daddy’s little girl or even princess.. you wrote about her juggling work and family..but I am sure given her income level and opportunity that she has nannies and maids that help her with her domestic chores..

 

I am wondering if she paid you to be put on the front cover and to be made the cover story to help promote her winery? Or is that your magazine only promotes the most affluent in our society? I do not believe that this woman represents the average Okanagan Woman..this is the title of you magazine ..so why are you not promoting us? It seems that you have given us an unreasonable role model to live up to.. how many women are given big chunks of land to groom into successful wineries? I don’t believe that your magazine promotes woman’s empowerment..as it seems the title of one of your articles says ( handing over control) bad choice of wording I fear.. I would like to see you write about and promote empowered women.. women who have made it or who are attempting to make it..without daddy’s help.. or without being fully indorsed by male money..

 

I take up issue with most of the magazines in the Okanagan as they seem to promote affluence.. intense wealth and greed.. there seems to be little substance. intellectual thought or any depth included in most of the articles..and then when you do have a great cover story you past it by making it secondary to write an article that is shallow at best.

 

To conclude.. Okanagan Woman does not represent Okanagan Women

 

Okanagan’s Women’s Magazine reply to me

Hi Gracie

Sadly, I had no option but to remove your post. :-(   You are entitled to

your opinion, which I am happy to print, but your comments were a personal

attack on a woman who graciously consented to being featured in Okanagan

Woman magazine. Your language was aggressive and had a bullying tone. I will

not tolerate that.

 

I am very glad that you were able to receive the support you needed from The

Postpartum Hotline. We featured Tascheleia Marangoni, the founder of the

Postpartum Depression Awareness Project in our SheRoes section because of

her dedication to perinatal mood disorders.  We hope that story encourages

others suffering from post partum depression to seek out PPDAs services and

know they are not alone. I’m sure you will agree that this is not a shallow

or fluffy subject.

 

We published a story about a woman who lost her mentally ill son and her

crusade to find him and to help others in similar situations. I don’t think

her story is shallow or fluffy. Are Wendy Bosma and Tascheleia Marangoni

“real women” by your definition?

 

Okanagan Woman magazine celebrates ALL women, regardless of their financial

situation. The Okanagan is comprised of women from all walks of life and we

celebrate them all.

The cover model is chosen based on the merits of the photo. We believe a

beautiful woman in a beautiful dress and gumboots, walking in an orchard is

very symbolic of Okanagan women.  Jennifer Turton-Molgat was born and raised

in the Okanagan and has inherited the same strong work ethic of her

ancestors. She runs a successful winery and gives back to the community

through The View Cares: Red Shoe Program which raises funds and donates

thousands of bottles to charity and community events. Surely, that isn’t

frivolous.

 

There is no shortage of deserving, wonderful Okanagan women; but there is

only room for one of them  on the cover.  We believe we made an excellent

choice and we are thrilled that Jennifer Turton-Molgat allowed us to use her

photo.

 

I see that you have a lot of passion to change the world. You CAN effect the

change you want to see, however, you might be more effective by offering

kind, honest criticism, rather than hostile, vehement remarks. Our Facebook

page allows readers and fans to inform, inspire and celebrate women from the

Okanagan. It is not meant for individuals to make judgemental and cruel

comments about ANY woman. For that reason I removed your post.

 

Okanagan Woman is not trying to be perfect. We are simply a small business,

doing our best. Remember, be kind – you never know what other people are

going through.

 

Best regards

TJ Wallis

Publisher/Editor

 

My Posting on Melonie  Dodaro’s  face book

 

I am not one of your friends; you blocked me on twitter for simply saying that one of your tweets didn’t help small business; that it could only be meant for large corporations how was that comment worth blocking me over? It was not a personal attack on you; I simply stated that the information was not useful to me.. How is it that someone that uses her voice to make a living will not allow me to have a voice or an opinion? I have been treated very unfairly by you and the networking community that you call your friends and business associates.. as I have been labeled as ( inappropriate) I have been shut out of the networking community..and even on social networking you all block me. Your a hypocritical and going by your actions of socially shunning me due to the sexual nature of my work ( sacred sexuality and the Goddess archetype) you all seem to be very sexually immature and lacking in sexual education or understanding arts and culture as my book and photography are also considered to be such. I have simply wanted to learn how to market my book and to find a platform to speak about my work.. simply by your actions and by the actions of others that you network with you are in need of this new information. It is simply a new culture.. a new way to look at sexuality and women’s sexuality ..all issues pertaining to equality. You have all treated me with prejudice and with inequality by shutting me out.. I am like the colored woman be told to get to the back of the bus were I belong.. this is prejudice due to my artistic expression of sexuality and also it is religious prejudice ..as it seems you are all Christian owned and operated business that network together. To many fundamental Christians the Goddess may seem satanic..this is also a lack of understanding. I use Carl Jung`s archetypes to help take the sigma away from the Goddess.. You are all sorely misunderstanding the meaning behind my work. I am sure now you will take me off your facebook..but at least I have had my say and have not been silenced by you via social networking before I could.. Like I said ironic that you promote social networking and face to face networking while shutting me out..just because I don`t fit into your mold.

 

Melonie Dodaro’s reply to me on her Youtube Video.. I do not have an exact copy of my comment to her as she deleted it.. but it was something like

“ At least I am open minded enough to use your information to help me with my linkedin profile and not be prejudiced against your information by the way you treat me.”

Melonie Dodaro’s reply to me via youtube that I couldn’t reply to because she blocked me off of youtube, twitter and facebook.

Gracie I am glad you enjoyed my video. Yes I have blocked you from Twitter & now from Facebook due to inappropriate comments. Until today I had no idea who you were or what you do until your personal attack on my Facebook profile. I use social media to provide value and build positive relationships. Anyone who is negative, critical or just plain nasty I absolutely block. I wish you nothing but success with your business but will not allow my personal profiles to used for negativity of any kind!

 

If I Was Born With A Dick

 

 

This is an ode to Dick

All my life I have been envious of boys and men.. I have seen how much freer men are..and so this little parody that is and isn’t so funny.. goes like this..

 

If I was born with a dick I would be the Present..the Prime Minister .. I wouldn’t be his sweet little wife that you see pumping out his babies.. you would all be listening to me because I can stand up when I pee.

 

If I was born with dick I could bang every chick.. I could act like prick..and be known as the stud that likes to fuck.. not like girls and women who like it..you know them as sluts..

 

Ohh ya to be born with a dick!

 

If I was born with a dick I would have all the capital..because as they say capital is a gentle man.. even if men act like they are living playboy..even if I treated women as toys..

 

If I was born with a dick I wouldn’t have to worry about equal pay because the world would be my oyster and everything would swing my way.. ya swing..

 

If I was born with a dick I wouldn’t have to be concerned about traveling alone.. I could walk alone in the night and not think about not making it home..

 

If I had a dick I could walk in public topless and not be concerned about being arrested..or molested..

 

Ohh to have a dick!

 

If I had a dick I could leave the chick with all of my kids.. and get away with highway robbery if she came after me for alimony..I would lie during testimony..

 

If I was born with a dick if I didn’t want to have kids that would be my business..not so if I was a chick.. I’d be a selfish bitch.

 

If I was born with a dick.. you could all suck it

;)

Facing Fate

 

Blessings sometimes come disguised as troubles.. I have been sick off and on since the middle of March. Yesterday I woke up unable to see well, I was so sick I couldn’t drive my kids to school..anyway to make a long story short after taking a cab to the Walk-in Clinic I was sent promptly to the Emergency, because the doctor thought my sinus infection and eye infection may have progressed into meningitis ..they must of been very concerned because I was seen and tested within the space of about an hour..and thank the Fates that it was just a very bad sinus infection..but this is the blessing in the test.

 

The only thing I regretted was not saying good-bye to my children as I rushed out the door to catch the cab.

 

On my way to the hospital.. I thought of all the friends and some relatives that I had that died young and quite suddenly and so this made me question my own mortality seriously. My most important thoughts were of my children and how they would deal with my death..  {if I was indeed dying}  ( of course these were the thoughts traveling through my mind at lightning speed ..while in the cab driving to the Emergency) but I had no other regrets.. my biggest achievement is my children and the writing of my book and the creation of my website. I am so blessed to have my babies and to have given birth creatively.. I am so blessed to have the fearless spirit that has been bestowed upon me by The Fates..

 

I learned this about Fate.. there are things that you cannot control.. like what other people do or say.. like when your born..the family you are born into.. or when your life ends.. or when love will come and go from your life.

 

I thought of dying alone. I do not have a life partner and I thought to myself ” I don’t want my children to see me all gross and dying.. I don’t want them to remember me that way.. I don’t want to scare them”..these thoughts came to me so quickly! But even though, if I was going to die.. I would rather die alone than with people who didn’t really love me.. like my ex husband, sister and brother.. I would rather die alone with my dignity than surrounded by others just there with me because they felt a sense of duty…and so I had decided if I were dying .. I would do it bravely alone .. on my terms..

 

Most importantly.. I am so proud of myself and the way I have lived my life.. of course I have not been perfect and I will not be perfect..but I have loved fiercely .. I have been loyal to a fault.. I have been as honest as I can be.. and I have fought to be me in a world that worships conformity. I have lived my dreams.. I have created abundantly..and I have faced my fears.. I am proud of the way I have FACED FATE.. I have done my best..with what was given to me..and that is all I ever needed to do..it’s all any of us need to do!

 

I did feel sorrow at not having met the ONE.. ( you know what I mean.. the right person for me) but I am proud that I have not settled for the wrong one.. again FATE.. he just hasn’t arrived yet..and if he has he has not made himself known or FATE has not turned yet..but  it will when THE FATES allow ;)

 

Of course I thought ” I don’t want to die.. I have more books to write.. more love to give..and more things I want to do and experience.”

 

On my return home.. I held my children close.. I was in intense pain all that day..but the next morning I woke because I felt better! At 5 am all the antibiotics I have been taking for the last week must have kicked in.. the pressure in my head had subsided quite a bit..and I COULD SEE FULLY AGAIN..  ( I am not %100 yet but..) I laughed to myself as a line from the song Amazing Grace popped into my head ” I was blind but now I see”  ( these things amuse me greatly.. I am my best company) I turned on my BlackBerry next to my bed to hear it go off like a pinball machine.. and I thought ” WTF?” then I laughed again as I realized it’s my birthday today..and all my facebook friends were wishing me a Happy Birthday while I slept..

 

I woke up in more ways than one.. no matter who calls me down..be it in person, facebook, twitter or my blog and website.. I know who I am ..and I know were I am going and I know were I have been.. and I know I am right on target… and I know who my friends are!

 

Your can’t change Fate.. it’s all in how you Face it!

 

What I LOVE About ME

 

I have had so many names thrown my way; this is me reclaiming the positive. This is me taking back the night so to speak..this is me reclaiming myself, my soul and my energy from those who have tried to drain me of my life force.. I suggest you do the same .. do it privately if you need to.. or show your closest friends and loved ones..but join me..

What I LOVE about ME

 

I love that I want to change the world

I love that I am in love with love

I love that I create beauty

I love nature..and animals

I love my quick wit

I love my singing voice

I love that I am an excellent mother

I love that I love all children

I love my own cooking

I love my own artwork and writing

I love that I am loyal to all my friends and loved ones

I love my fighting spirit

I love that when I fall I get up right away..dust myself off and try again

I love my fitness and I love my body

I love my freckles

I love my humor

I love my love and lust for life

I love that I can make my life out of nothing at all

I love that I love you

I love that I can make negative postive

I love that I am a tomboy that can be a woman too

I love my open mind

I love my ability to learn quickly

I love that I set goals and nothing stops me

I love my tenacity

I love my strength

I love my divinity

I love finding my peace in the middle of the storms of life

I love.. I love.. I love

I love that I am different

I love that I am weird

I love

PRESSURE

 

There are many people and influences that work at taking a woman’s voice away.. it’s why I have not written on my blog for awhile.. I have felt very tired. You know it seems like a lot people want Hollywood..that want things perfect; they don’t want reality. I write about reality.. my writing is very journalistic and honest. Many people want to escape reality so they come down on my as a downer. Even those in spiritual circles don’t want to face their own humanity and imperfections..as they believe in pure manifestation of only good thoughts and energy.. while not realizing that to write about darkness brings it into the light of awareness.. it’s so easy to just want to read fluffy, beautiful, positive words.. instead of seeing reality..They think I am broken and negative..they don’t see I am paying my dues.. I am paying my dues.. I am. I am the battle hardened warrior.

 

Having my book accepted into The Erotic Art Show is my first success since self publishing the book in June last year.. I have met with so much resistance and even outright hatred. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be a battle..but to this extent..I had no idea. There have been many tear filled nights. I have had many moments of hopelessness and loneliness .. you know I am human. I am a woman and sometimes there is nothing more than I wanted then strong, masculine loving arms around me.. in the night..when all the names that others called me came to haunt me in my dreams..but the men that I did meet this year after starting my website..were cruel and or controlling..and so I have been alone since June..and I have not dated because I need my strength to continue to fight the battle of promoting my book in a society that shames women.. I cannot give my power away to men who only seek to use me.. but how  I do wish for a true partner to love and uphold me..and of course for me to do the same.. I am very much a woman and warm and human.

People don’t understand how difficult it is to rise up every morning and stand my ground and continue on.. to face people in the professional world that would love nothing more than my silence..I make them uncomfortable..I make them mad.. I make them think about what they don’t want to think about.. that they themselves cave to social pressure..and this why they want me to go away..to give up.. because by me standing up and making a difference or at least attempting to make a difference.. I am being their mirror..showing them that they are not..that they are weak because they fear standing out being shunned like me.. and so they shun me, shame me and call me down..so that they don’t have to be reminded of what courage is.

 

So the PRESSURE.. is to stop.. go way. Don’t be the voice of reason and truth. People don’t want to see reality! They don’t want to see the social class systems ..they don’t want to see the inequality for women.. many of us single women that don’t have a man and his money ..his protection to give us the seal of approval from society..I have no man ..and so it is I have no voice.

 

But I am still standing.. I am still here.. I am yelling into the wind

One day someone who will help me make a difference for all humanity will hear me..

At the very least my book and blog will stand as a testament .. of the battle

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