Archive for December, 2012



Compassion or sympathy for yourself is not being weak.. having compassion brings us to the understanding of our feelings.. or our emotions.. this is very important as our emotions are the internal compass that guides us and directs us down the correct path or paths of our lives.. when we turn off our emotions and deny our pain we loose direction in life.. so we must be honest and truthful as to our intentions, needs and wants.

My intention has been to become as free as possible.. it has been to help others experience this freedom with my intention to be as honest and as compassionate with myself as possible by honoring my feelings and my I am on a very human journey and our journeys mirror each other..there is much in my writing that many can relate too.. I hope to help other’s find their own compassion for themselves..

I have found it.. I have found self love.. I have found it down a very dark and sometimes scary path of intense loneliness.. but we all need to do it..we all need to have an amount of time in our lives to go into those dark places of the soul to mine our treasure.. to find meaning.. without other’s approval and with out material baggage..both of these things we can use to define us..but they truly do not.. for it is the heart and the intentions in the heart..that define the soul.. it is in the heart of compassion that the mind becomes clarified and cleansed of past experiences and traumas.. and so it has been this way for me.. I have found my treasure and it is my strength.. I have not failed.. I thought I had as I was defining myself through other’s eyes.. I was defining myself as the world would define success.. but on a spiritual definition I have found in myself so much more than I have ever thought possible.. I found compassion..and in that compassion for myself.. I have found compassion and the ability to forgive others.. I have learned that forgiving happens it steps and stages.. it takes one has to feel each emotion to follow the pathway to the destination of forgiveness; as it is also a journey along the heart..

I have learned there are many that are not capable of understanding deep wisdom.. the wisdom of the Goddess..and other Divine wisdoms.. and in that knowing I can begin to forgive them they simply do not know any better than what they are able to understand.. with this.. I can let them go and continue down this trail that I am forging.. that I am creating as I it is my Divine Purpose to do so… and with that I can love myself and others… I can love the journey.. I can love the experience..and when I come to those times of intense hopelessness.. ( as I will again) I can forgive again and come to compassion.. I can love regardless of how other’s treat me or how they affect me,, this is true unconditional love.

I have learned not to give myself away to those who do not deserve me.. but I have learned to let them go with love..

Even if my book is not worldly success.. my spiritual journey with The Goddess Energy.. has been my success

As love is the destination.

Tearing Down The Temple


Before there was Christianity the first holy couple were Isis and Osiris.. and their son Horus.. many of the mythical ways in which this holy family came into being are expressed in the Christian story of the Holy Family.. and isn’t amazing that the Jewish people were the slaves of the Egyptians and their savior’s story expressed in the biblical old testament are almost exactly the same?

Before I go into the birth and life of Jesus I would like to explain to you through a history lesson how the bible was constructed.. it was in 325 AD that the Council of Nicaea was held by the Roman Emperor Constantine.. you see the Roman Empire was in dire straits due to the fact that everyone was fighting over the sake of religion.. Pagans and the Christians and all the other sects could not get along.. this was causing Constantine much grief.. I mean who do you kill and punish when there are so many to kill and punish to get control..and of course the first order of any empire is to support it`s self off the surf.. it`s really hard to collect taxes when people are fighting and not working to create a taxable income..and so it was that they decided the majority of people in Rome were following Christianity so lets make it a legal religion so we can get some control here and make some money to buy more gold and create more trade..

They left some Paganism in to help smooth things over.. like holidays sounding similar and practicing some of the same traditions on those holidays..and so it is that we do this today..we are both pagan and christian in our western society..when most call themselves and think of themselves as only being christian..

They added the virgin birth..and paying out of purgatory to create and functional guilt machine..that produced lots of money!.. They made the society a patriarchal society..taking women out of spiritual roles..and there by giving men all of the making the Mother of God a virgin they induced shame towards women`s sexuality to further the control over the weaker sex.. shame and guilt were and still are the big humdingers that keep people in check..and keep them PAYING INTO THE CHURCH..

Even the bible it`s self was created in that many Gospels were kept out of the bible..many of them feminine books that included female prophets, the words at the end of the bible..saying that nothing more can be added or taken away or this would be seen as blasphemy ..was indeed away of putting owner ship on GOD..and making sure that no one would dare defy the power`s that be..and of course a MAN the POPE had the final say as to how the world at large could and would hear and understand GOD..and so it was we were taught intense separation and the ego took hold of the world..and the TEMPLE OF THE EGO .. ORGANIZED Religion.. they thought they had all the books..but later on in the 1800s what is known as the Gnostic Gospels survived through the passages of time The Gnostics predated Christianity..the Gospels of Mary of Magdalene, Thomas.. The Gospel of Truth, of Philip and even Judas..but of course these were not seen as biblical by the ROMAN Catholic church.. or the CHURCH as a whole..because Mary Of Magdalene can be understood as The True bride of Christ.. Imagine sex in the holy family.. there would be no SHAME AND NO CONTROL OF THE MASSES..

If we look at the story of Jesus`s mother Mary in a realistic way..we could easily see that at the time in history she was probably raped by a Roman save her from being stoned to death Joesph stepped up and married her.. I  really do not think they even had to tell anyone that she was a virgin carrying the son of God.. but they may of had to if word got out by rumor to save her life…even to this day in the middle east women are still stoned to death for this reason.. ( have we evolved people) I do not think so..we are still shaming women and holding them accountable for rape even in what we consider civilized society.. we say did she deserve it..was she was she dressed.. slut. This is what the virgin birth has done to society.

Jesus was a man that was a savior; if not just by the way he lived and that he saw through the ego.. this is the understanding of the ( Christ Consciousness) He wanted to TEAR THE TEMPLE DOWN..the EGO.. the was sent to cleanse the TEMPLE and he taught the TEMPLE WAS WITHIN.. he taught us that we are directly connected to God or the HIGHERMIND..and He was in direct connection to the HIGHERMIND or GOD..He had a wife.. Mary of Magdaline..that the CHURCH made into a whore to shame women..but their story was a love story..she washed his feet with her hair and tears..telling him that he was her lord that she loved him above all others.. when he told her to go and sin no more.. he was with no other but me..and of course this is what she other but her beloved lord.. his friends were a jealous they knew he wouldn`t come fishing as often..he would and did favor her above all others.. he would of shared more meals with the woman he loved..and in the Gnostic Gospels..her Gospel you can read that she was his equal in being a prophet and knowing the GODHEAD or HIGHERMIND..and this is why they belonged together.. when they murdered him for being a rebel against the organised Jewish religion the Pharisees ..she dressed his body with his mother.. only a wife and a woman in deep love would..and she was the one asleep at the entrance to his tomb..when she saw that his body was not there she wept at the thought of them taking her beloved`s body was she who spoke to the Angel that told her not to cry as he was risen.. it was she whom he came to first in spirit..and it was she he told not to touch him..not because she was dirty but because he was not of the world anymore..he was pure spirit..but she was his beloved and this is why he came to her..and he left for her the work of the spirit.. to make the world as one.. This was their love story.. hidden in shame.. hidden away the key to all of this ego density that we all suffer in..the hell that we have made for the sake of greed and control.

Jesus and Mary were humble.. the lived simply and the lived for LOVE.. we are told through them that the temple is within..that we are all one in the same..bother`s and sister`s in the Christ Consciousness.. we are the same as them..the key has been in true equality and the purity of letting go of greed and control..

The key is knowing that the Royal Couple has existed throughout time..that sex is sacred in the TEMPLE OF LOVE

She is the Goddess he is the God in every man and women.. it is time humanity that we evolve and grow up.. you see this Royal Couple exists in every spiritual understanding through out the ages.. we just hid them behind shame.. Every man and women in deep love..they are this couple.

It is time to turn to love again to be saved..

White Trash


I am the woman who came from the wrong side of the tracks.. I was the beaten, poor and starved child. My mother had a serious mental illness, she took her own life when I was 13. I put myself in foster homes ..and I was miserable in them..they were never home.. I was called “white trash” by my friend’s parents and by some kids my own age.. it has always haunted me.

I didn’t graduate with my class.. I was so mature, I just couldn’t relate to kids my age.. I had already been to war and back in my daily life.. I went to the local college to finish my grade 12. I stayed a virgin until I was finished school.. “god forbid I should be white trash and a slut too” I thought.. so was careful not to. I furthered my married a bit later .. we built up a business.. he had an affair while I was expecting our son..anyway through the divorce rip, job ..settlement ( I settled out because he was so nasty) I was able to start this website.. write my book..and so on.

I am not a trained or schooled artist.. so to many artist I am not really an artist.. I am white trash.

I am a single to many in my community I am white trash.

I am selling sexual content in my book and on my website.. so to many I am white trash and a slut.

I was at a local art show a few months ago..and a artist was doing a painting and letting everyone add something to the painting.. she asked me what I would put on it.. I said “white trash” she laughed..but I told her.. that’s how people see me, because that is how they have treated me..because I come from the wrong side of the tacks..

*sigh* stereotyping at it’s best.. the upper crust of society seeing me as white trash.. I am a good looking woman so it is assumed that I will use men to climb up the social latter..and so I am treated this way by wealthy if I am for sale..I am disrespected as an equal to them..and then to women, I am seen as that possible threat..white trash.

This is the truth as to whom I am.. I put my kids first.. 3 years I have been single.. yes I have dated but my kids never met any of them.. I don’t have strange men passing through my kid’s lives.. I don’t drink ( just on occasion but not to get drunk) I don’t smoke.. I live pure lifestyle..because I love my body and myself.. I am very organized and a bit of a creature of habit.. as I am a single mom with no help at all..but I like adventure..when my kids are at their dads I like doing fun stuff. If I wanted to use wealthy men for money… I would have..but I am self reliant.

The thing is people scare the shit out of me.. I have learned since starting my website and selling my book.. people can be real assholes.

Last year this time I had a real childlike trust.. I gave people my trust first.. I just assumed people would be honest, kind and trustworthy like me.. nope assuming that showed me how many assholes there are in my town.

I took my last two post down because I realized I was trying to impress and trying reach out to someone who hurt me online… then I saw that I was doing the same thing I had done with other people..that showed me they couldn’t be trusted.. and I stopped and took the post down..  I am so sick and tired of reaching out to people only to be bitten again.. I am just not doing it.. I feel this person should have been reaching out to me..since they hurt my feelings..but nope there I go again being an idiot.. as usual he will only see me as white trash as they all run in clicks in my town.. and I am from the wrong side of the track to them.. Ohhh they are so blind.

It’s going to be a very hard 2 1/2 weeks without my kids this Christmas.. 3 Christmases alone.. like I am totally alone..and I don’t feel that I can go to any events or reach out anymore to my town or community.. I am sick of being back bitten by snotty people looking down their noses at me..talking to me like I am a slow child when most of them don’t have half my common sense nor do they have my wisdom.. half of them don’t know what hell they are talking about..

As far as men.. I stopped trying.. no online dating, I really don’t want to go out..and when I do.. I know I am not meeting a good man at a club..forget that..and it seems that it  will be impossible to meet the guy for me in this spiritually constipated city!

So I am preparing myself to go it alone.


Playing Players


I am not playing anymore

I am walking away from the game

You can win that’s ok

You can call me names and label me

You can talk behind my back about me

I can be your amusement, that’s ok

I don’t care

I am done playing anyway


You can have your right or wrongs

You can have your control but not of me

Cause I am walking away

I refuse to play

I done today


You can wager all you want

You can be cunning and daring

You can trick and scheme

but I am done with this scene


It ain’t brave to play

Your all cheaters anyway

I have just been your pound of flesh

I have just been you prey

I am not gonna play