Archive for August, 2012

Boys & Girls

 

 

I had an interesting talk today with a couple of guys.. just harmless talk nothing sexual.

I will just get strait to the point like they did.. guys are like that… they were in a good mood after a couple of beers in the summer sun, so they were really open to just telling me the truth.

We were talking about my book and then of course my single still status came up and with that the topic of my last date. I told them why I thought it didn’t work out and then one of them asked me if I wanted to know what he thought.. so I said “Yup”.. He said he was just gonna give it to me how a guys sees it.. this is what he said and a couple of the other guys agreed with..

He said ” he got you to drive up to his house because he saw your website and wanted to tap your ass.. he talked to you for so long because he knew you were a writer and that you were smart.. so he did what he had to do to get you naked. His business reputation means more to him than dating a rebel like you. He called you crazy to get off the hook.”

Yup plain and fricken simple.. I was played according to these guys and they were damn sure of it.. I feel so stupid..but I still felt feelings of love for the guy so that is that.

So after the beach I went to get groceries for the kids.. and in my confusion bought this book ( Act like a Lady..think like a Man)

According to this book I should use my sexuality against men by withholding sex for 90 days..and because I dress sexy and because I am independent.. I am going to be one lonely woman for the rest of my life.. I am the bad girl because I don’t follow rules.. and I don’t want to get married again.. I don’t want a big diamond ring.. I don’t want a man  paying my way or kissing my princess ass.. he says the keepers don’t play games but his entire book is about using your pussy power to gain a man’s respect.. wtf??

He says men need to make more bacon than us to feel validated.. they need to feel they protect us and they need to let the world know they own us..and guess what we get all this by controlling him with sex..but we are not playing games..we are just making him earn his payment and his payment is the cookie.. THE VAGINA!!

See I am a big girl I can call it a VAGINA.. ohh and did you know that the women that are keepers all go to church on Sunday. They dress to be respectable.. they like his mommy..they cook.. their house is always clean .. fuck off.. I know I sound mad but I really am laughing my ass off  :)  :)  :)

Oh my God.. lets just all go back to the 1960s!

I am not hearing this from any of my male friends.. I hear that they are sick of being walking wallets.. and they are sick of women shopping obsessively..that they want women to work..and the women that I talk to say they want help when they go to work by their men.. with the house work and the kids.. it has to be 50/50 for everyone for there to be true equality..

And men are responsible for leading women on when they want sex and only sex but they make like they want a relationship just to get in her pants.. woman are not the only adults in the world..playing sexual power games is stupid and it leads humanity away from being authentic and real..

Women want independence and to express their sexuality with out this retarded attitude about being a good girl or a bad girl.. whore/virgin bullshit.

If we want real love. If we want love to win us all over.. we have to be grown ups, we have to be mature honest and open.

I don’t want to be his little girl and I don’t want a daddy to take care of me..

I want to be friends and lovers.. commitment without a contract that makes me owned.

Little Black Sheep

 

“Here’s To The Crazy Ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the
square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have
no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the
human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world - are the ones who DO !”
Apple advert..Steve Jobs

 

This is the story of The Little Black Sheep.

 

One spring morning.. lets say April 9th 1970.. A little black sheep was born amongst a corral full of white sheep. As the little black sheep grew she became aware of her difference by the way others treated her.. and by the way she saw the world so opposite from the white sheep. Of course she was always asked “Why are you so weird and strange.” The little black sheep was asked this question so often by the white sheep that she learned to simply reply ” I was born this way.”

The white sheep did everything the same way every single day. They would pace the corral in a circle each morning upon waking..they would pace waiting for the farmer to bring them food and water. The circle that they marched in had become a rutted path; and it was filled by their own shit. The corral was muddy and shitty, so ugly and stinky..but the white sheep did not seem to mind as it was all they ever knew.

But as the little black sheep became older she became wiser.. she looked through the slats in the corral fence to see a beautiful open meadow..it was lush and green..full of sweet tender, purple clover..she heard the bubble bees buzz and hum.. so bright and yellow as they danced to the song of creation. The little black sheep stood quietly..it was then she heard the creek .. the sound of fresh clean water running over stones..

The little black sheep said to the white sheep ” come and look through the fence..come and see how beautiful and free it is..there is so much to eat and drink..there is so much to explore!!!” She was so excited!! But the white sheep became very angry with her.. ” You stupid crazy little black sheep..there are wolves out there.. it is dangerous to want freedom.. your nuts.!!!” They called her names to scare her to make her submit to there way of being, and when that did not work they ignored her, and pretended like she didn’t exist.. but the little black sheep knew she was right..she knew they were nuts, as she would rather brave the wolves then spend her life walking in circles in shit.

One day the little black sheep had enough! She jumped up on the feed tray and then onto the top of the fence. The white sheep freaked out ” Get down!!! Get down!!! You crazy little bitch!!” But she did not listen.. and she jumped off to the other side of the fence!!!

The white sheep were glad she was gone; as now they need not be reminded of there captivity. Now they did not need to be reminded that they were weak and she was brave.. now they did not need to take responsibility for their freedom and their own lives… but little did they know.. the little black sheep had done something so completely off the wall different they didn’t even see it..as it was right in front of them.. THE LITTLE BLACK SHEEP HAD OPENED THE GATE!!!!

In time the younger white sheep..looked through the gate to see the little black sheep frolic and play in the clover that was so sweet..they saw her drink from the clean fresh creek..and they saw that she had made friends with other black sheep that had found their way..and then something wonderful happened..some of the younger more open minded sheep..turned coat..and came out to play…. The end

 

 

Yes I am the Little Black Sheep.. my birthday is April 9th 1970.. and ” Baby I was born this way!!!!”

I am the wild child that wants to expose shame.. I am the one that others in my family blame..as they have called me crazy and trouble; simply because I saw the rigidity and over morality of our lives as captivity..and it is.. Being a woman is not a sin. How stupid is that??? Because I have a vagina, religion teaches that I am dirty.. ahhh NO! What the fuck???

I love my vagina.. I love my femininity and I love the pleasure and power my sex gives me. I am a sexual being as it is in my core nature to be so, I will not be shamed for liking and wanting sex..that is shit.

I am here to leave the gate open..as are other artist..writers..and others who protest stupidity.. I see the wide open spaces and I will bring freedom to others by the way I live my life ..to show the white sheep how to be brave.

So I stick up my middle finger ..with both hands.. I rebel with a cause.. and I dance in the clover.

Lust and Love

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went to his house. He was very insistent. I think a man that was used to getting what he wanted and a man that was not afraid to ask for it.

He met me outside in the parking lot. By societies standards I suppose he would not be considered much to look at; middle aged, average weight and height.. totally bald..but his energy was strong, and he seemed like a very determined man. He walked me to his door.. just brushing my waist with his hand to gently guide me.. I felt electricity rush through me.

He poured us some yummy fruity wine and we sat outside to talk.. I saw a man, so sweet. He was gentle and refined but somehow he had retained a bit of an edge to him..and I admired him. I remember his eyes.. grayish blue..with brown outlining his pupils.. I remember his hands..and his lips…full and tender. He smelled like soap and clean laundry..and he wore his company shirt.. I thought that was so adorable!! I saw a lonely man, a man searching for meaning and hope.. he seemed somehow listless and tired of searching for what he knew not of. I was interesting to him; as he tried to figure me out. He was also making love to me in his mind as I was him. The attraction was instant.. minds meeting minds.. like energy or spirit meeting spirit..it felt as if we were on the same vibration.. connecting somehow.

This is the vulnerable part for me..because it seems totally crazy.. and it makes no sense..because you can not fall in love at first sight..can you? lust yes..but love?

How do you measure it.. love? It feels all warm and fuzzy right and you want to protect the ones you love. I felt this way.. right then and there. The meaning that he was searching the world over for..that he tried to find in faraway places..that he tried to find building things and driving fast ..and swimming in deep waters and all those manly things .. I wanted to give it to him. I wanted to take the emptiness away by filling his soul.. I wanted to nurture him..hold him tenderly and give him all the care that had been denied him by others. I wanted him to know that he was enough. To say ” you are enough as I see you before me..as you… you are enough” All the knives that had been placed into his heart I wanted to remove with tenderness and care..with thoughtfulness.. yes I wanted to love him.

It was not a thought of him loving me back at that time.. it was almost like a motherly feeling.. I just wanted his sorrow to go away.. so is this love..because I also wanted him inside of me..and the feeling of this was all powerful too??

We talked I guess.. he said for 45 min before we touched each other… I tried so hard to make sense while I talked to him..but I did not need to hear or to speak as I felt I knew him.. I knew his soul..such a mystery?

It was then we went inside..and we sat on his couch with our lovely fruity wine.. somewhere in there he had made himself something to eat but I was not hungery.. it is a blur..because the emotions and the primitive instincts ran so super charged! He then told me to stop pulling down my dress.. that he loved my legs.. it was then that I saw the primitive man emerge in him..as he pulled up my dress to expose my tanned toned legs..he told me how strong my legs were… how beautiful I was.. and then he leaned in for a kiss.. It was like liquid fire.. a kiss like I have never had before..and in this heat I straddled him as he tore of my dress with force exposing my breast..at the same time ripping down my thong panties.. I was still holding on to my wine! It was so fast and hot, I begged him to slow down.. I thought I was going to pass out from the passion..he tried to as I put down my wine.. but he could not slow down..and I wanted nothing more than to submit to him.

He kissed my breast as he freed me from my dress..and then.. he flipped me over..and then he did the most shocking erotic thing.. he took his belt out of his pants.. I was a little frightened but excited and thrilled as I did not know what he was going to do with it..and I like not knowing..because I am wild.. he took the belt and wrapped it around my waist using it like a harness he then entered me hard..but I was ready as he rode me.. or he tried..and he did.. I could not stop screaming ” FUCK ME” and he did well.. I bucked and a I wiggled and I pleaded for him not to stop.. We ended up in the bedroom..but I can’t remember how?? Or .. it was just so intense.

He walked me to his shower.. it was large shower.. very modern..it had a place to sit.. he turned it on.. I protested as I did not want to run my mascara and he laughed..and promised not to get my head wet.. he sat as he stood me in front of him..he soaped me..it was so sensual. He was gentle as he made me sudsy and slippery..the soap he used was so lovely.. it made my skin soft and slick.. he washed me so tenderly but with deep desire..he paid special attention to my nice firm hard ass.. he loved my ass. I let him play with me.. I wanted to please him and be his pleasure.. I wanted to play his sexy fantasy. We got out as it was getting too hot and we wanted to get into each other again..

I toweled him off.. every little bit of him.. I wanted to be tender.. I wanted to be sweet to him as he was to me.. I wanted to show him the love that suddenly had welled up inside of me that I could not speak.. how could I?

Instead I took him into my mouth and I licked him and sucked on him.. and he forgot everything..and anything that had hurt him..all he wanted was what I was doing to him..and he returned it to me.. I warned him that I squirt.. I told him I could drown him..nothing made him happier.. his fantasy was complete.. and when I did.. I will never forget his face..his expression was pure bliss..and almost humility.. it was a look that I will cherish forever.

Then he could not..not be inside of me… he was forceful and powerful in his lovemaking and I loved it.. I begged him to spank me..to spank me hard .. he pulled my leg up above my head and slapped me hard.. and I love it.. I begged him to call me names and tell me I was bad.. to spank me harder..it was so playful and naughty.. it was so bad ass  ;)

He was having trouble holding back..he needed to cum.. I told him to pin me to the bed missionary and dominate me.. I told him to release.. and he did.. pulling my arms above my head..and putting the fullness of his body down on me.. he had his way with me..

He is the first man that has been able to keep up with me.. but I did go to the gym for 2 hours that morning.. or I could of killed him ;) he slept like a dead man after.. I was a little worried..I watched for a pulse ( chuckle)

We talked after and he made me a wonderful dinner.. and I climbed into his lap after to gently kiss him.. to stroke his face and chest.. as I was feeling such deep emotion for him..so deep..that it has not left me..so deep..it frightened me as I was not prepared to have my walls come tumbling down.. I was not ready for such depth.. my heart and body exposed..so totally that when he barely communicated with me afterwards..and when he said I was not acceptable as date material due to my website, blog and up coming book.. I was crushed.. and my hurt became anger.. and I posted his emails on the blog..and now he says I am crazy..

But he did say if you are going to write anything about me.. make it sound like I am really good in bed..

Well I don’t have to make it sound that way ;)

Is he an asshole that used me for sex..am I crazy??

No

I will miss him.

Fatal Attraction

 

 

I chose this image for this post; because it is relative to being called crazy.. the last guy I was with Mr.B is calling me crazy..and saying that because I wrote about him and posted his emails to me on the blog..(without using his real name or identity) that I am in deed a fatal attraction. Of course this term is meant to cause me hurt, pain and confusion.. it also takes away my voice and credibility as a person. He claims that I am mentally ill and that I need to see a doctor; that he will come with me if I need him too. This picture is one from the book.. me as Hectate..I write in the book about how men call women crazy when she sees through bullshit, gets mad and holds him accountable. What is really sad about him calling me crazy is that I had confided in him about my marriage break up..about how I was suicidal, about how I got myself help until I could accept and get through the pain.. he then had told me that didn’t not mean I wanted to kill myself only to escape the pain..I told him he was right.

He is grasping as I have hurt him deeply; I have told him that I am sorry and I removed the post to prove to him that I am. I even sent him an email telling him that he has the right to sue me if I should make public any of his emails to me, even if I strip them of his identity. I have done this not because I am scared of him but because I can tell by his fear of me and his protective measures against me that he needs this to find peace.

It is a mess how it all happened. He was attracted to me and asked me to come see him at his home due to my online profile..after we slept together he told me by text message that I was not socially acceptable to date because of my profile.. I was so hurt, enraged and shocked that I was filled with my own ego and decided to teach him a lesson. And the very thing he rejected me on .. I included him on. It was a knee-jerk-reaction by me. I took 24 hours to think it through but my anger and hurt were so complete.. my thoughts were ” Oh no you did not say that to me or treat me this way.. how dare you.”

I suppose by societies standards a woman who is pissed off and scorned is a fatal attraction.. it seems to me movies like this were created to make labels readily available to slap on women like me who do not BEHAVE in social norms.. he told me I was not normal.. I told him normal is typical…so nope I am not normal at all.. wild yes.. YES I AM WILD!! Does that make me crazy.. yes to some .. to some the perception of a rule breaker is crazy.. when it comes to women.. I am nuts to many men.. I am down right scary. Because I am not predictable..when we watch the move Fatal Attraction.. he is left off the hook so to speak because of her insanity.. he is made a hero to the wife he fucked around on by killing the insane bitch.. I know it is all drama..and it is all hyped up..but is she not every man’s worst nightmare?? Fatal Attraction really hurt women, as it shows a woman being vulnerable but being over the top crazy..so is it not easy for men to connect this open vulnerability as nuts??

Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.. is a writer; she is a brilliant woman; beautiful and she knows the power of her pussy. The brilliant, beautiful and highly sexed woman is shown as as crazed heartless bitch that uses her sexuality and sexual aura to literally hunt men and kill them.. in other words..she is so fricken smart, cunning and alluring that no man stands a chance against her.. it is true when men are faced with pussy they go right down to their primitive nature.. no thinking involved..so it is very easy for her to fuck them up. Is it not then that every man can feel very frightened by a woman who knows the power between her legs..should she not then be controlled by names like..cold heartless slut or whore to control the power she has.. that is God given? As woman of course it is our responsibly to uphold our sex with dignity and sexuality, not to be ashamed but not to use it to hurt and manipulate men.. but men have to learn to control their own urges too.. I think that this movie has built up fear and hostility for women in the power of their sexuality..and in the power of their intellect.. in reality most women don’t hunt and kill men for thrills..and not many fuck and release.. LOL

Next in the movie Disclosure we see a very sexual woman in charge.. she is so sexual that she takes a man down or tries to..as it seems women in charge can not be trusted ( so funny and stupid) and hot women are the worse of course the will suck your cock and ruin your life LOL..God forbid a hot woman with a sex drive should be in charge..she could go crazy or something????? Like what the fuck???

We say we want equal rights? Men say the want women to bring home the bacon so the can have a fricken break.. well the powers that be should give us all a fricken break and stop producing this shit to fuel the war of the sexes.

Well as for the man.. Mr.B who says I am nuts.. he is right. Something really crazy happened when I slept with him..really nuts.. I will share in the next post..the next post will be very hot and steamy.. hmmm I maybe a fatal attraction for writing it??? BOO!

Beautiful Vulnerability

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My entire blog and my book are based on being vulnerable; my photography shows my vulnerability through my nudity..

I write to create connection; by being open and authentic, by being my true self I hope to help others have the courage to do the same.

It seems our society is based on the projection of perfection and of course this serves to feed the ego and it causes our consumption of goods and services. We buy into the hype so that we can keep up our false face; we need our false face as armor against what we understand as a cruel and judgmental world. It starts right away; as soon as we hit the playgrounds as young children and if we remain blinded by the ego we may spend our entire lives chasing a false hope.

Real hope is found by facing and expressing our imperfections so that we may uphold each other through the sharing of our experiences; this is why I can tell you with out shame.. what I have experienced in my life.

I grew up very poor; with a very mentally ill mother who took her own life when I was 13. My father beat us all relentlessly; he was a very angry cruel man. He believed women were beneath men and that they existed as objects for men to use at will. I ran away and spent my 16th birthday on the street, cold, hungry and scared. I went into the foster system and at 18 met and went to live with my first boyfriend who drank to much and beat me too. I was celibate for a year after I left him. When I left him I left with almost nothing as I had to run from him and hide for my safety. I was in student loan debt up to my eyeballs; but a least I still managed to put myself through business school and I was a stellar student. But I was poor and had nothing but my health, smarts and looks. After a year of being alone and working myself through the rest of college I met my ex husband.. now it is easy to see how I could get involved with an emotionally abusive man..as I simply didn’t know any better.

As you can see I am damaged..but the truth is we all are to some degree our another and the truth is none of us know what the future holds for us..this is why it is so important not to judge another’s journey as it is you own.. it is simply true..we are more the same then we are different.. we all will feel joy and pain..we will all loose and win.

One thing I do know for sure is this.. my past does not make my unlovable… it makes me beautiful, fragile and strong.. as life is a contradiction..as it is a miracle that it exist and that it keeps on existing..The heart and soul.. mind and body wonderful contradictions.. none of it really makes any sense as none of us do..we are constantly fluctuating and changing as we mirror energy..the energy of the universe.

I know that despite my past that I deserve love and to love another.. Even through the intense anger that I have felt of the unfairness of my past and sometimes my circumstances.. I know I can love and be loved.

I can admit that I am wrong..that I have been wrong and that I am wrong..there is no shame in being fallable.. I am.

I am imperfect..but in my willingness to show you my fragile heart.. I become strength.. and I am able to love fully.

The beauty is this.. my book was created out of pain.. how wonderful that I took all that pain..anger..frustration.. loneliness..sorrow..and I channeled it into a creative purposeful path..I took ugliness and recreated it into beauty.. I took anger..and hate…and I created love.

I am love.

Stress

 

My sister will not piss off.. she is such a relentless, hard ass bitch. She is so selfish and jealous and I think she is the one that needs drugs.

My ex did not pay the child support this month. I had to take my 5 year old little boy with me to Family Justice to get the proper authorities after his daddy, so that his daddy would pay for him and his sisters to have food, shelter and clothing.. it just makes me fricken sick..to watch my little son play blocks innocently while I scrabble because of his daddy.

How do I not hate his father???

Then the book has been delayed.. another 10 days.. the stress of that alone is killing me. I just want it out already.. it is all I have to look forward to.. it is my happiness and my spark!!!

Then the last guy .. Mr.B telling me I am a fatal attraction.. telling me I need to see a doctor..telling me that I could risk having my kids taken away from me if I write about him.. and I thought he cared about me..I slept with this man, who basically rejected me and it seems for the very book and work I live for.

Everything I write about I worry about..as Mr.B has told me I have to worry about my online profile..wtf? How am I supposed to be creative if people are constantly threatening me with having my kids taken from me.. like my own fucking sister.

I feel so bullied and used.

So many of these people in my head tonight.

Who the hell would not be stressed out if they were me.. just the book alone is enough stress.. but so many things.

I took a risk and looked for love; I was once again rejected for being me, but it was still ok for him to have sex with me.. I just don’t get this shit??

It is like he wants no one in the world to know he slept with the likes of me.. is that it?? Is it just his personal life or is it who I am that he is ashamed of???

I just don’t understand???

How can my ex do what he is doing???

How can my sister keep being such a bitch?? It is like she haunts the blog and as soon as she finds me writing about something that has hurt me she has to rub salt in it! GAWD SHE IS A BITCH!!

And then there is Mr. Ice at my gym.. he treats me like a freak because he is so frigid.. I want to go and work out tomorrow to run into.. we dated and I treated you like a dirty whore and didn’t touch you cause your pussy must be infected so now I am going to pretend like we never met.. WTF???

Has the world gone mad???

Why the fuck do these people call me crazy??? They are all fucking nuts!!

If you consider the stress that I am under.. the way that they have treated me and the way that I have treated them is quite awesome.

I am not perfect.. but I try so hard to be.. I try so hard to be even painfully honest with myself.

I want to know what my pure motivations are.. do I lie to myself?? I want to know if I do.. I don’t want to be like my ex and believe my own bullshit.

Thing is I am in a really dark place right now. I am treading water big time..

I just wish people could be kind.. why is that so hard?????

Lessons

 

 

 

What I learned about my sexual encounter with Mr.B.. what I really learned about myself is this..

I have been hurt very deeply by men. I was raped. It was with the first man I was with after my husband left me. I had been celibate for a year. I had not dated in over 14 years. I was very innocent, being hurt I was easy prey.

This experience along with the constant abuse from my ex husband and the constant abuse from my sister has caused me to be very hyperactive to hurt.

This pain has tainted my perceptions. Even if Mr.B did use me for sex I responded with intense over protection; this of course caused by my need for love, caused by constant rejection and by so much abandonment in my life.

I pushed the rape down deep inside of me. I tried hard to forget; I remember now that I did tell my sister but she responded by saying I deserved it by putting myself in a dangerous situation. I pushed the experience so deep down inside of me that when I am intimate with a man now.. I forget the details.. like I told Mr.B… I couldn’t let him in.

I was hurt so deeply at the time. I knew my ex had been cheating and he made their relationship public. In the small town were I lived at the time, it seemed many just didn’t know what to say to me. I could tell they were sad for me and I could tell some avoided me. Even in my church I felt so ignored; even the Minister would not accept his affair as being an affair. I was suicidal.. I had just gotten through those thoughts when I was raped by a man with no remorse or feeling. He had groomed me well to get me alone to do what he wanted to do to me; he had talked to me and coffee dated me before getting me alone to do what he had planned. It seems I put some of this on Mr.B.

It is funny how the mind works; how the heart hides from pain, how emotions can be buried to suddenly surface such force. I did not report the rape. I was in so much pain; physical pain for 3 days.. my ex had the kids thank God.. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was bruised and I had to fight feelings of suicide again.. alone in bed. Alone in a old 100 year old farm house in the middle of winter..acres between me and the world. It was more than anyone should have to bare. The world never seemed so cold.

It took me a few weeks to tell my sister; when she responded the way she did.. I pushed it down deep. I could not go to the police; I was too traumatized. I wanted no one to know.

This is my way of letting it go here.. letting the world know I am no longer ashamed of being innocent. I know it was not my fault.

I think to some extent I brought it with me to every date, with every man. Like an unseen arrow in my heart. Like a bullet lodged deep. It is now I see it.

I talked to Mr.B last night.. he helped me find the wound even if it was not his intention.. I told him about the rape..

Now I am freeing myself of the arrow.

This is why I trashed my first post.. I saw through myself.

And Mr.B.. helped by being my mirror.

And I do not want to hurt him as I do not want this pain to keep on existing by spreading bitterness.. the man who raped me did not win.

Gracie

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