Archive for August, 2012

BAD GIRL

 


 

Lets start with a joke to get the point across.

Two Southern Bells were having a visit after years of being separated..

The first Southern Bell says ” My man bought me this huge house.. it is so big I can’t find my way around in it.”

The second Southern Bell says ” That’s nice.”

The first Southern Bell says ” We have the best race horses in the County.”

The second Southern Bell says ” That’s nice.”

The first Southern Bell says ” My diamond ring is so big I can hardly hold my hand up.”

The second Southern Bell says ” That’s nice.”

The first Southern Bell says ” what did your husband get you?”

The second Southern Bell says ” He sent me to Finishing School so I say ” that’s nice” instead of FUCK OFF”

 

I myself would of just went to FUCK OFF.

Society teaches women that we need to be nice to be loved and to be tolerated.. I am not down with that.. even in nature..a real mother gives a smack down when it is needed. Nice women do finish last, they are humored at best and easily forgotten. We are programmed this way so that we can take on all the crap..kinda like ” Hold my beer..will ya” No a bad girl drinks his beer and she speaks her mind..a bad girl gets shit done because she doesn’t waist her time or energy coddling anyone.

People like to get away with shit..the Government likes to get away with shit..if you let yourself be used you will be.. there are many out there that look for nice people to take advantage of..this isn’t to say people shouldn’t be loving or caring .. it is to say you can be that and honestly speak your fricken mind. Truth is a pain in the ass; many don’t want to hear that they are being assholes and many want to blindly follow because it is comfortable to do the same old shit..even if it leads us to nothing but deeper shit.

I am not a lady.. to me ladies behave..they do what is expected of them..they don’t speak out..they do not get angry..they don’t dress sexy.. they coddle and spoil their men and kids..their house is perfect and they don’t like sex or the pretend not to.. I don’t want to behave.. I don’t want to KNOW MY PLACE.

When a man pisses me off he will know..damn strait!

If he is going to lie.. if I can get him to get off his email and off his phone..and stop text messaging me lies.. I will get the coward to lie to my face. I am not a nice girl.

I am not a nice girl because I get mad.. here is a good example of me not being nice.

Mr.B .. from the post ( sweet,sexy lies) ( Love and Lust) and ( And he thinks I am crazy).. wouldn’t lie to my face.. I wanted to confront him.. I wanted the confrontation because I knew he couldn’t lie to my face.. he really was pissing me off..

I text messaged him and told him I was in his parking lot ” I wasn’t” LOL.. so not nice at all!

I told him to call the cops..because I wanted to tell them how he asked me for sexy pics .. lying to me about wanting to be in a relationship to get me to send him pictures.. I did freak him out enough for him to call the cops..but of course he didn’t tell the female cop the entire story..

First it started out with the female cop asking me ” what kind of person tells someone they are outside waiting for them?” my response ” A pissed off person.” and then I told her why.. he had asked her to tell me to take him off the blog.. I told her he was not named and his identity was a secret.. she told me she couldn’t force me to take him off.. I explained to her that he had to stay on the blog because I think if I take him off he will make those pictures public.. I will have no recourse.. it keeps my ass covered ( pardon the pun lol)

I am not a nice girl.. I wanted to scare him to get him to face me..nice girls go quietly. Nice girls don’t fight back.. they play it safe. I never play it safe.

If I was a nice girl none of this would exist… women have got to stop being nice and start getting stuff done.. even in the business world nice girls never get equal pay..you don’t have to pretend you just have to stand up for yourself and stand your ground.

Sometimes you have to be a bitch to be heard. Your not really ever a bitch this is just the worlds perception of a woman being strong.

I can be sweet and loving.. I can forgive and be kind..but I will not be used.. I will not be ignored.. I will not be shamed.. I will not be blamed for other’s treating me like crap.. I am not here for that shit.

Tough love is needed just as much as soft love.. when the world is turning a blind eye.. when men use us.. when no one will listen we have to speak to be heard..

I swear because it is my protest against being a well behaved woman.. I swear because nice girls don’t do that.. I swear because it is my freedom.

I rock the boat.. I break out of the box.. I am a very bad girl.

Radioactive

One word…AUTOIMMUNE 

The Governments of the world were so concerned with competing against each other in the race for scientific discovery that they refused to take into consideration the FALLOUT.

Other words—- NUCLEAR—Nuclear bombs—nuclear energy–nuclear power–NUCLEAR REACTION—CHANGE IN STRUCTURE AND ENERGY CONTENT OF AN ATOMIC NUCLEUS BY INTERACTION WITH ANOTHER NUCLEUS OR PARTICLE –Nuclear reactor, device in which a nuclear reaction is maintained and CONTROLLED to produce nuclear energy.

Similar symptoms may appear months to years after exposure as chronic radiation syndrome when the dose rate is too low to cause the acute form.[6] Radiation exposure can also increase the probability of developing some other diseases, mainly different types of cancers. These diseases are sometimes referred to as radiation sickness, but they are never included in the term acute radiation syndrome. (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

When we go back and review our world history we can see that we have all become victims of fallout..most recently..it was the failure of Japans Nuclear Reactor that failed due to an earthquake..we are still living in this fallout..there will be much sickness.

If we look at our food supply.. it has become …….

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Plums genetically engineered for resistance to plum pox, a disease carried byaphids.

Genetically modified foods (GM foods, or biotech foods) are foods derived from genetically modified organisms. Genetically modified organisms have had specific changes introduced into their DNA by genetic engineering techniques. These techniques are much more precise[1] than mutagenesis (mutation breeding) where an organism is exposed to radiation or chemicals to create a non-specific but stable change. Other techniques by which humans modify food organisms include selective breeding; plant breeding, and animal breeding, and somaclonal variation.

The DNA has been exposed to RADIATION AND CHEMICALS… but  humans are not genetically designed by NATURE to digest and use this new genetically modified DNA .. it is making us sick.. WHY? It makes crops more productive so that world governments can pour money into war instead of into farming and feeding the world.. money used to build upon fear and death instead of HOPE AND LIFE!

What we are eating.. sourced from..

http://www.anotherway.org/2011/08/dangerous-food-preservatives-and-additives/

Sodium Nitrate (also known as Chile saltpeter or Peru saltpeter) and Sodium Nitrite: Used as a compound in production of gunpowder and other munitions in the past, nowadays Sodium Nitrate is a colorant, added to meats. It gives reddish color to meat. The Sodium Nitrite is a preservative and color fixative for fish and meat. It has the number E250Those two preservatives and  colorants  we commonly consume in bacon, ham, hot dogs, smoked fish, and corned beef  form nitrosamines (a human carcinogen), which accelerate the degradation of cells and DNA. Studies have linked eating it to various types of cancer and have shown a link between increased levels of nitrates and increased deaths from certain diseases including Alzheimer’s, diabetes mellitus and Parkinson’s.

Another carcinogenic preservative, used in many household foods is Butylated Hydroxy-anisole(E320) or BHA in short. It is found particularly in fat-containing foods and confectionery meats, chewing gums, potato chips, and vegetable oils. This anti-oxidant prevents rancidity in products. When combined with high concentrations of vitamin C and/or nitrites it produces free radicals, which damage body’s cells. Often used in conjunction with BHA,

Propyl Gallate (E310) is another anti-oxidant, found  in meat products, microwaveable popcorn, soup mixes, chewing gum, mayonnaise, and frozen meals. Some studies on rats have shown that it is cancerogenic. Other side effects of its consumption are stomach and skin irritability, allergic reactions that impact breathing, kidney and liver problems. Although the FDA considers Propyl Gallate safe, in many other countries its usage is banned or very limited.

Moving on,  Mono sodium Glutamate (MSG) or E621 is an amino acid used as a flavor enhancer in soups, salad dressings, snacks, frozen food, and restaurant food. The “MSG symptom” also known as the “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome” was coined by Robert Ho Man Kwok who reported symptoms of headaches and nausea in patients who consumed American-Chinese meals. Since then MSG has been associated with migraine headaches, food allergies, hyperactivity in children and obesity. There are also animal studies, which link E621 to damaged nerve cells in the brains of infant mice. According to Dr. Russell Blaylock, an author and neurosurgeon, there is a connection between sudden cardiac death and neuron damage caused by food additives like MSG and artificial sweeteners. He also reported that many patients experienced nausea chest pain and vomiting after eating MSG-foods.  Because of its infamy manufacturers tend to disguise it on food labels behind other ingredients, where the Monosodium glutamate exists only as a constituent.

Used to increase “fluffiness” of bread productsPotassium Bromate is another carcinogen that is banned throughout the world, except for in the United States and Japan. In California, a cancer warning would likely be required if it were used, which is why it is rarely used in that state. Studies on animals have shown that the bromate that does remain in our bodies.  Instead of banning it, the FDA tried to prevent bakeries from using it, but it remains in widespread use.

Also known by the brand names Nutrasweet and Equal, Aspartame is a sweetener found in so-called diet foods such as low-calorie desserts, gelatins, drink mixes, and soft drinks. E951 is 200 times sweeter than sugar. The safety of aspartame has been studied extensively since it was discovered. According to the UK Food Standards Agency, the European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) and Canada’s Health Canadaaspartame is safe for consumption at current levels, otherwise it may cause cancer or neurological problems, such as dizziness or hallucinations. The  acceptable daily intake (ADI) value for aspartame according to  Joint FAO/WHO Expert Committee on Food Additives(JECFA) and the European Commission‘s Scientific Committee on Food is 40 mg/kg of body weight. However, a more recent study in 2005 showed that even small doses increase the incidence of lymphomas and leukemia in rats, along with brain tumors.

Like Aspartame, Acesul fame-K is sweet, but dangerous. This relatively new artificial sweetener can be found in baked goods, soft drinks, protein shakes, pharmaceutical products and gelatin desserts. Stable under heat and acidic conditions it is perfect for baking and products that require a long shelf life. There is a general concern that testing on this product has been scant, and some studies show the additive may cause cancer in rats.

 

 

The question is this.. how do we change it? How do we make the WORLD GOVERNMENTS ACCOUNTABLE???

WE CAN NOT BREATH CLEAN AIR; WE CAN NOT EAT PURE FOOD, WE CAN NOT WALK THIS EARTH WITH OUT DISEASE…ALL FOR MONEY..AND POWER..WE ARE DYING.

It is time.. the people are awake.

The Threshold

 

 

The world is waking up.

We have finally had enough, enough of our own self created madness.

Many can see that we are the ones that wrote every holy book. We created religion out of fear, because we have feared death so much.

We have created a world wide industry on avoiding death.. we are to remain ageless.. every product that we buy and every activity that we pursue is to fly in the face of death…

But because of this we are dying.

We consume. We create garbage..we eat and drink our garbage.. plastic is in our food… it seeps into our water table.

In our search for perfect we are plastic ..and like cling wrap it smothers and consumes us to death.

Death is the sacred place.. it is the threshold to life.. when we face death ..and come to acceptance of this sacred place of rest.. we are brought back into balance.

We understand we have created all of this.. the Governments and all the war.. by hiding in fear we bring about death.

My facing death and facing fear we can finally live.

We can have a world based on equality, we can live in a world that is clean and free.. and we can stop treating each other like suspects.. it is this fear that puts us into survival mode constantly causing us to run and hide or attack each other.

We are on the threshold.

We have the technology to create clean energy.. if we stop paying into war and fear.. we can feed and we can can care.. we can heal the whole wide world.

If we create peace in the home by accepting both men and women as equals.. our children will be free.

Right now we are waking up..

The lights have been turned on.. we have awakened to our own shadow..but many turn the lights off..because they see that the monster that they have feared all along is them.

The world.. we.. us.. need to face the monster in the mirror…love the shadow self.. accept death.

So that we many finally begin to live.

BFWB..I want my cake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the most part she is unsuspecting at first to the Best Friends With Benefits Game.

First it starts with ” Lets have sex and be friends..and we will see” seems legit right?

He says ” It has to start with friendship babe” True??

In the beginning he may take her out to a local eatery, he may take her to a movie or they may go for walks..but as soon as the sex starts he suddenly becomes to busy for the  the friendship activities but not to busy for the sex.

He stops calling her to just talk; but he calls her for sex. He is to busy to spend the night or to cuddle much.. he has a cat at home.. his cat or his dog or his best friends cat or dog needs him home right after he finishes with her.

After each encounter she picks a part each moment in her mind and heart..she hangs on to hope..that she can make him love her with her body..that if she gives him the best sex he has ever had that he will see.. he will realize how wonderful and loving she is.. how special she is. He will love her.. he will!!

But after each encounter he feels satisfied that he is in control of the situation..he can keep getting his physical needs met through her if he just keeps dangling hope in front of her like a carrot before a jackass. He feels smug. He goes on with his daily life..and he pursues other women..because he wants the one he can chase.. one that puts value on herself by not giving her power away to him or others.. he has no respect or feelings for his Best Friend With Benefits.

She is left depleted .. empty, lonely and heartbroken. She is frustrated, angry and depressed. Her thoughts center around him, she becomes obsessed with proving the statistics wrong about them.. she is in basically his emotional prisoner.. and he likes the power.

Women.. this message is for you.. STOP GIVING HIM HIS CAKE AND LETTING HIM EAT IT TOO!!!!!

He can’t do this to you if you don’t let him. Your the CAKE.. Make him eat his meat and potatoes first.. even if you sleep with him don’t let him put you here don’t be his prisoner.. WALK!.. WALK FREE..this is the game.. he wants you to believe that because you slept with him you are helpless to his game.. WALK AWAY.

GET MAD POINT THE GAME OUT AND GET GONE!!!

This Best Friends With Benefits exists because women let it.. we have the power to make it stop.

We deserve love, respect and friendship..we deserve his time and affection.. if he can’t give it.. he doesn’t deserve you.

Life is to short to be anyone’s prisoner.

If your in it of the money girls.. money can’t by love.. your his whore and he will treat you like you are paid for.

He doesn’t love you, he will not.. walk away.

Should & Shouldn’t

I think it is fun to play mind games.. I like to play them with myself most of all.. this is a mind game.

Lets say I behaved myself and acted as society would dictate a good woman to be. What would that look like?

First of all I would have to stop pointing out the elephant in the room..right..I would have to stop pointing out injustice and unfairness. I would have to swallow my shame and help others ignore their shame; just doing that would make me an astoundingly acceptable normal woman.

Of course this blog and my writing would be very boring..ordinary and safe.. NOT FUN AT ALL!!

Here are the shouldn’t and shoulds that we deal with in society daily.

As a woman I shouldn’t love to have sex. I shouldn’t speak about sex. I shouldn’t make a statement, or business based on sex.

I shouldn’t dress sexy.

I shouldn’t want to see sexy movies or be attracted to sensual things.

I should do as men tell me. I should get him a beer, make him a sandwich with bacon. I should shut up when the game is on and pretend I like to watch the game.

I should expect to be treated like a cheap tramp for looking good, looking sexy and wearing make up. I should be insecure and dumb myself down around him to make him feel more like a man.

I should accept it when a man ignores me.. it is his right.. he is a man after all.

I should make everyone happy, and I should sacrifice my happiness to please my man, my family, friends and strangers..because that is what well behaved women do.

My interest should be what others think are acceptable. I shouldn’t become to independent because men find that unattractive. I should let him be the boss and have the final say.

I shouldn’t laugh to loud and I shouldn’t like attention.. I shouldn’t admit to being a drama queen and liking it.

I shouldn’t create drama just for fun..cause it amuses me.

I shouldn’t be so damn smart..it just keeps me single.

I shouldn’t be a smart ass.. like I shouldn’t tell a man I get off on telling him off.

I shouldn’t tell men off.

I shouldn’t be such mischief.

I shouldn’t use my intellect to poke the dragon.

I should keep the politics for the men..

I shouldn’t like to tease in every way possible.

I should bake…

I should do a cookie bake circle and shut the fuck up.

I should shut the fuck up.

 

*SIGH****************

It is a good thing I am crazy because doing this shit would drive me nuts..

Here is to FREEDOM WRITING..and FREEDOM.. my friends  :)

The Heart of a Woman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is one word that expresses a woman’s heart.. NURTURE

Women are the archetype of the Great Mother.. the EARTH..it is in our nature to protect life at all cost; but like Mother Nature we protect what will bring forth the most growth and abundance.. to women who have not been made bitter or hard by pain..this abundance is LOVE.

We will cut our losses as Nature does, we will not enable useless suffering..and those who refuse to release themselves from suffering or those that chose to create suffering will be loved from a distance..because a good woman with true wisdom knows to enable is to give into sickness and disease..as in nature that which stifles life will be let go to it’s own devices. A woman pure in heart will help those and ease the suffering of those who are truly the weakest, who need her help the most..and who one day .. will learn to help themselves.

A pure woman’s heart respects the dying ..she helps them on their journey with comfort and ease..she understands that life and death or not separate..in both we are vulnerable..in both states we are in need of comfort..compassion and love.

Her love is deep..so deep and pure.. some feel they are not worthy of the depth of her compassion..

When a woman is strong enough not to become hardened of heart.. resentful and made petty by vengefulness.. her light shines out to the world in stunning glory..

This is the heart of compassion.. the heart that we see in the woman who is not afraid to get down and dirty in the trenches of daily life..the woman that carries a hot heavy child through the burning summer streets despite her own pain. This is the woman that we see caring for her elderly parents..and her children..some while working outside the home. This is the woman who stands by her man, after he has lost his job.. his self-esteem, his health.. or all hope..she comforts him..as she loves him more than status or money.. this is the woman who forgives as she understands..we all sin..perfection does not exist..so she is practical and she forgives.

A woman’s heart can not stand to see others suffer..she can not stand injustice.. she fights for the under-dog.. she protects those who can not protect themselves.

When she grieves she grieves in the open..she grieves out loud..as she loves so deeply and completely the ones she has lost..

Her way of showing love..is to comfort, to nurture..to make you more of what you were before you met.

 

TABOO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lets get to the point right away; in writing this I am trying to show you how by placing social stigmas on sex society becomes toxic and sex becomes dangerous.

When sex goes underground it becomes the slithering underbelly of society. Guess what happens when people have two lives; their public and private lives can fracture into obsessions. We can use the Catholic Church as a perfect example; priest that are repressed and forced to live sexless lives turn to children and to raping nuns. The Catholic Church tells society that abortion is a sin; but the Church is built upon sex with children and the bones of aborted Nun’s babies.. the underbelly exposed.

Of course it is all a woman’s fault to begin with if that BITCH hadn’t of eaten the fucking apple, and tempted poor Adam with it none of us would even know we were naked and we all wouldn’t be wanting to fuck.. Of course this bullshit seeps into the unconscious of humanity and pussy becomes the main taboo. CUNT becomes the culprit.. women are held responsible for the entire moral integrity of humankind.. we must keep that pussy under wraps and lock and key least it should damn the entire world to hell. Men should not be tempted by hot cunt; men should not be tempted by soft round breast, like sweet cupcakes with candy nipples as the crowning glory of erotic bliss; a man can not control his lust least he should be exposed to her exposure..and so all the responsibility rest on her; she should not dress sexual, she should not dance like a slut least she should temp him into sin. Why do we have these taboos; there are some good reasons..

1. Sexually transmitted disease control

2. no adultery

3. no incest

4. no pedophilia

5. no necrophilia

6. no bestiality

Yup these are the good reasons to have morality and self control.. legitimate taboos

What should not be considered taboo but still is due to the unconscious stigma place on them by religion and even the government and just until very recently the medical professions.

7. Fornication

8. Homosexuality

Fornication is everyone’s right to sexual freedom as is homosexuality.. I sum it up this way.. if your not hurting anyone..if it is consensual, agreed upon and everyone is feeling pleasured.. this is your right as a human to express your sexuality as you see fit.. simple GOLDEN RULE ” ONE SHOULD TREAT OTHERS AS ONE WOULD TREAT ONES SELF”

Funny thing is that in many modern cultures MENSTRATION is still a taboo; women are thought of as dirty, the womb dirty and vile; yet semen is not to be wasted..both bodily fluids of reproduction. The point I am making is that there is still all this stupid shit in our unconscious society that inhibits us from expressing and living a healthy sexuality between men and women.

Morality is used to enforce social conformity.. conformity can be subtle and unconscious or direct overt social pressure. Unwillingness to conform carries the risk of social rejection.. rejection leads to intense emotional pain as we all feel the need to belong..so the fear of rejection is so strong it leads us to conform to the social and cultural norms. If we are to face ostracism are four basic needs are threatened.. to belong, to be in control of social situations, being accepted helps us to maintain our self-esteem, and being accepted gives us a sense of meaning.. to have these taken away brings intense pain and so many are forced back into the social illusion or game of the social face or living fractured lives.. this keeps us from being AUTHENTIC.

My true story is this.. the last guy I dated just had me up to his place for wine and dinner to simply have sex with me… but of course he couldn’t tell me that directly knowing that it was not socially acceptable.. knowing that it was what turned him on.. to play cat and mouse games. He knew of my work, my website and blog and book before having sex with me..and he told me after it was because of what I did that he couldn’t be with me in a relationship.. thus rejecting me and socially ostrasizing me.. the point is this.. if he had been open to me..I should have been a part of the decision making; as to have just as sexual relationship in secret away from society or not..

It became a dirty secret.. he told me he thought of abnormal things .. abnormal fantasies like me sleeping with other men in front of him.. him watching..he was upset with these thoughts. My response was ” that is normal, tell me about them, sexual fantasies are great.. lets play it out.. in role play .. we can pretend.”  Yet he trolls the dating sites looking for women that he can build this dirty relationship with..in secret.. no one knows.. yet this pulling sexuality into dark hidden places causes hurt and dysfunction more that if it was out in the open.. the mind games or trying to get just sex while saying other wise..

There are swingers..and groups that do the same thing in every city or town all over the world.. keeping up the socially acceptable face while having group sex and this causes blackmail and all sorts of other unseen crimes or crimes that do make it to the surface. What if your boss just came out of the closet and lived his fricken life.. he or she..what if they were proud of being as kinky as fuck.. so fucking what.. no games, no crime.

What if prostitution became legal.. what if a woman or man could just pay for a good fuck.. would there be less rape; would there be less incest, would children finally be let alone to be innocent?? Why can’t we just live our lives in the open?? We are all sexual..and if we follow the GOLDEN RULE.. why can’t women be sexual and sensual .. and not be judged as a slut or easy.. we all need and like sex..

As for the guy.. Mr.B text messaged me yesterday; playing games again. ” We can’t be in a relationship.” Ya

But I am not a dirty little secret.. just ask me his name.. I want you to.. I am not shamed.

PROFANE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What makes the pure profane?

It is simple.. when a man uses his penis as a weapon to hurt women and when women use their vagina’s as a trap to control men.

Lets break it down;

He needs to fuck as many women as he can in his life time to feed his ego, he has to belittle her into thinking that if she doesn’t meet his needs of perfection she can be replaced with someone else in a second. He needs her to fit into his fences, he needs to be on her mind constantly, he needs her to second guess constantly. He needs to control her mind, body, emotions and spirit to feel like a man.. he is using his sex as a weapon to win the war of the sexes.. he wants his cake and to eat it too.. and he will do whatever it takes to break her down.. he will show no mercy to the enemy.

She needs to have him at her beck and call; she needs to be worshiped by him, he needs to make her money, he needs to pay.. he has to pay for it.. he has to pay for breaking her down by buying her things and taking care of her financially.. he will pay. She will withhold sex. She will withhold support, she will call him names. She will pout and bitch and disrespect him in public places. She will tell him who he is and what he wants… she will make the bastard pay and if he doesn’t pay up she will show no mercy to the enemy..

And so love is made profane.. love is made profane through hate.

Pornography shows us the fight.. media powers the toxins.. what was once pure is profane.

What is pure is sex. Sex is the contradiction that powers the universe..sex is everything and everything is sex..it brings about existence and life. We cause it to be profane by the ego..by fear.. by power trips..by having to control the relationship..to be the puppet master..this is selfishness..

What makes the profane pure.. is love.. grace.. to love in truth.. to love for the sake of it.. lust and love tempered into gold.. the alchemy of the soul.

 

Stop the war and just exist to love.. make what was profane pure.

BREAKDOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 10 year old daughter woke up in the middle of the night crying; I couldn’t comfort her and within a few moments I was crying just as hard beside her. She said she didn’t know why she had a bad dream or even remember what it was about, just that she had a really bad feeling and it wouldn’t go way.. but I suspected why and I am sure she had the bad dream because of me.. She kept telling me throughout the day that she could tell I was worried and that I was thinking too much, and then on the way to the beach she said to me ” Mommy we are the only ones you have, us three kids aren’t we?? When daddy left us his family and friends stopped talking to you and because of your book and blog Auntie Chrissy will not talk to you and she will not let our cousins talk to you too, you don’t have a lot of friends like daddy does, daddy has lots of help, Christina helps daddy with lots of stuff and so do Grandma and Grandpa.. but you don’t have any help..do you mommy.”

Of course as all kids do, she was just telling the honest to god truth.. but of course the real truth is so painful. All the time I try to hide from it but the truth is the truth and it hurt me like a pain strait in the center of my heart. I told my daughter that she has a strong mommy..inside and out and that I can handle it..but of course I was lying because sometimes I fall apart..

Mr.B.. well he had been emailing me trying to get back together with me. First he was telling me he could not give me his body just sex and that he would be seeing other women while he had just sex with me.. he told me I was like shooting strait heroin, that I was the best he ever had and that he just couldn’t be with out me. I told him that I couldn’t sleep with him knowing he was sleeping with other women, knowing I was not the special person for him. Then it started to sound like a business deal. It turned out I may be the one after all, lets just have sex for a while to see what happens. We started sending each other erotic pictures over our phones and text messaging each other, talking on the phone and really communicating. But I knew the weekend was coming and that I had my kids, I was waiting for him to loose interest.. what he didn’t know was that I was watching him on the dating site that we were both on.. I knew that when he was not texting me or emailing me he was chatting with someone else. Sure enough the Friday came and of course he told me by text that he was out with some friends and couldn’t communicate with me.. I checked the dating site, and he was online as he was texting me. I left him a message on site..while he was chatting with someone..it simply said ” Have fun with your friends ;) “.. yup friends.. I then copied and pasted his emails and sent them back to him, that said he wanted to be with me and only me.. and that he wanted to stop fucking every vacant pussy.. ( his words) of course I have not heard from him all weekend..doesn’t  it just suck when someone shows you.. your lie???

On top of this guy trying to belittle me and treat me with no respect I have had such a stressful time promoting my book; it is so hard to go and do a cold sale let alone go into a book store with a book I wrote that has photography of me nude in it.. nothing can make a person feel more vulnerable.. nothing can take more guts than that! I have to take my kids with me, I can’t get a sitter. I am a single mother with no help.. just like my daughter stated. I have so much guilt over dragging my kids with me, and being so busy. After we hit several book stores I took them to the beach.. I was so stressed out my kids had to leave me alone for 15 min.. I had to just go stand in the water up to my waist and pray.. I felt so bad for my kids, but I was so stressed out I couldn’t even let them touch me until I had this 15 min to myself.

That night when my daughter woke up crying I had been crying and I had cried myself to sleep. I was crying because what she had said was true. I felt so alone. I have been so unsupported by anyone close to me as there isn’t anyone really close to me. Then with my ex fucking around with the child support..the stress of doing business and promoting my book dragging my kids with me and this guy fucking with my head and emotions.. I broke down. It has affected my stomach, I have been sick to my stomach since seeing this guy and because of my ex husband fucking with financial stuff too. I cried hard before my daughter woke me up..when she woke me up I ran into the bedroom to comfort her, but I couldn’t help her, I had nothing to give her as everyone seems to have emptied me..so we cried together.. two blue eyed blonds weeping holding each other.. I felt like a little girl too.

I told me kids ” I feel like such a bad mother, I have been working hard on the book, I can’t give you what your dad can, he has all the money..he can give you your own rooms, he has love in his life and friends and family..I feel like I can only meet your basic needs.. I don’t feel like I can give you enough..I feel guilty when I go to the gym but if I don’t work out I think I will get so sick from the stress.. I feel like I am a bad mother.” and I cried and my kids hugged me.

I told them ” it is not your job to fill me up, all you have to do is grow up to be the best you can be and help other people too.. this is not your fault that I feel this way and I am going to be better tomorrow.” Then my 5 year old son told me ” I am gonna punch em in the face Mom..all those people that hurt you I am gonna punch em in the face and punch the holy god out of em!!” Then he started punching pillows and the air..he was so cute and funny that the girls and I started to laugh and the more we laughed the more he beat up nothing.. so the more we laughed and our laughter turned into belly laughs.

I tucked them all in and as I turned out the light.. my son farted and promptly told us all it was him.. We all belly laughed and went to sleep.

I got up in the middle of the night to take Mr.B out of my email contacts, out of my phone contacts, deleted all the text messages..trashed the emails.. I went on the dating site and blocked him.. blocked him from contact and from my search and I deleted all the emails from the dating site.. I want to forget him.. forget his address and his phone #.

If anyone has to pull you down..disrespect you and treat you like you are less than what you are, it is because they believe you are to good for them and they are insecure and broken if they need to break you.. If he was a good man he would treat people with dignity and respect.. not use women for sex and ego games.. someone needs to man-up.

The next morning I cleaned my house, cooked yummy things for the kids..and found my strength again.. I found Gracie again.

Yes I fell flat on my face..but character is getting back up.

NOTHING

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do not touch the mountain tops,

I do not know of what is under my feet,

I am nothing and nothing touches me,

I am not my pain,

I am not my sex,

and I am not my intellect.

I am nothing.

 

I am the space between all things,

I am the wind that changes everything,

I am the morning light.

The light that dances across the snowy mountain tops,

I weightless,

Powerless and powerful,

I am space

I am nothing.

 

I rise above game,

I refuse to play,

I am free,

I am the light,

the waters,

the wind,

and the earth,

ashes to ashes,

dust to dust,

I am nothing

but love

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